Big Blog Theory

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 6, Rodeo Man And The Bloody Racists

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

First scene, everyone’s sitting down, Daniel is singing, nobody knows why}

Daniel} Ooo, the fields are gold, the grass is green. Horrr, I am the lord of the duraniams .

Charlie} Bloody duraniams .

Sam} Daniel, what are you bloody doing ?.

Daniel} I’m singing .

Timothy} Yeah, no shit sherlock .

Sam} I know but, why are you singing ?.

Daniel} I don’t know, I guess I’d just sing today. It’s a beautiful day here, it’s a beautiful day . The sun is shining, the birds are singing . { Then, he starts singing again} ” The sun on my shoulders make me happy ”. { Then, Charlie chucks a slipper at Daniel}

Charlie} Ow, fucking hell .

Sam} Oh bloody hell, can someone get this man a fucking fanta !!! .

Daniel} I don’t want a Fanta, I want to sing .

Sam} You can’t sing here, you’d bring the house down .

Daniel} oo, Ok, hello fun police. Where the fuck did you come from, Kowloon ?.

Sam} No, I came from Kwok Man .

Charlie} What the fuck is Kwok Man ?.

Daniel} What, you never heard of the triads ?, 1970s in China Town. That’s where all that shit went on .

Charlie} The Triads ?. What on earth ?. But wait, what’s that got to do with Sam ?.

Daniel} I didn’t say that Sam was a triad. I said that he was a fun police that possibly came from Kowloon. He was the one who came out with all that triad shit. I had nothing to do with it. Ask him .

Sam} I don’t even know what you’re on about. I didn’t say anything about triads .

Daniel} Oh yeah, no you didn’t, because everything is corrupted . No one knows what they’re on about. But one minute, the sky is blue, no it’s bloody not, it’s pink . House Of The Rising Sun isn’t about a rising sun, it’s about life in a working class village. Oh, wait, but no, you can’t say that, I’m gonna have to put you down . Shut up, you bloody racist !!!! .

Charlie} What the fuck just happened ?.

Timothy} See, all of that wouldn’t have happened if Daniel stopped singing .

Sam} No it’s not. He’s mad. Every once in a while, he has an outburst . The man’s a psycho, a real psycho .

Daniel} Don’t call me a psycho. I’ve seen all of you lot do the exact same thing. Probably even worse than anything I’ve just said and done .

Timothy} I agree to disagree with you on that one, if I’m being honest with you. None of us have said such a thing. We know our bounderies .

Sam} Right, well, you can start with your thing since you’re the one who started this whole thing .

Daniel} You fucking idiot . Hidious, hidious. Rodeo Man over there, these two Ancient fucks. The fucking crow boy . { Points at Timothy} . ” The bloody racists ”.

Charlie} Harrrrrrrrr. { He does it in a high pitched voice and he dances with his arms out to try and wind him up}

Timothy} You bloody twat of a man. How dare you frame me like that. You’re the one who had the outburst, you’re the one who said some offensive tripe .

Daniel} Oh my god, you don’t understand, do you ?. You think everything that comes out of my mouth is downright offensive. I didn’t do anything wrong .

Timothy} I know but Daniel, you’ve done some really stupid stuff in your time .

Daniel} Yeah right, says the man who shat in a swimming pool and said that it was god’s way of thanking us . Eximent !!!, bloody shite .

Timothy} Oh my god, that was one time. I look back at it now and I realize how stupid it was .

Charlie} Oh my god, can we just shut up. Timothy, Daniel, you’re both racist, alright ?, end of .

Timothy} Ahhhh, you bloody . { They both start fighting}

Sam} Aw shit. Fucking hell, bloody shit .

{ Then, Charlie starts singing whilst Timothy and Daniel are doing each other in}

Charlie} Ahhh, I am the lord of the sunken city. One of which, I got in and I sunk the ship, oh what a waste . { Then he stops} ” Hur, can someone call an ambulance, please ”.

End of script

 

 

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 5, The Mysterious Woman

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

Timothy} Oi Daniel. How many sugars did you put in my tea ?.

Daniel} I put one .

Timothy} Why did you put one ?, it’s got like no taste. It tastes like fucking salt water .

Daniel} What, do you want diabetes ?.

Timothy} Who are you, my dad ?. Why are you so concerned ?. What does it do to you if I wanna have two sugars in my tea ?. What’s it to you ?. What are you gonna do ?. When I put two sugars in my tea, are you gonna open the door and prance around like ” Granny Murray’s house is open for you today, Granny Murray’s house is home too ”. What, are you gonna do that ?. Piss off .

Daniel} Who the fuck is Granny Murray ?.

Timothy} I don’t bloody know .

Sam} I think she works in Tescos .

Charlie} Does she ?.

Sam} Yeah she does . I’ve seen her before. I went in there once and .

Charlie} You went in there once ?.

Sam} Shut up .

Charlie} Who goes inside a shop once ?.

Sam} Gajearus . { Pronounced in a Greek accent}

Charlie} Who’s Gajearus ?.

Sam} I don’t know .

Charlie} Who ever she is, she sounds nice. She might be my granny. She’d make us a lovely cup of tea. And she’ll add no sugars .

Sam} Sutah !!!!! . { In a Greek accent}

Charlie} Bloody hell . { Under his breath}

Sam} Ok carrying on. I was in Tescos and I and I .

Charlie} You went in there once . { Interrupts again}

Sam} Look, do you wanna go and stand outside ?. I’ve had enough of you. { Does a high pitched scream to mock Charlie} ” Ahhhh, ahhh, you fucking child ”

{ Daniel laughs}

Sam} God. You sometimes, who can put up with you ?. Great, now I feel like going for a shit. Cheers mate. Bloody Charlie .

Charlie} It’s not my fault your bladder flapped .

Sam} I’m going for a shit, not a piss .

Charlie} I know, but it’s the same thing .

{ Timothy makes a hand signal to say that Charlie is crazy}

Charlie} Don’t fucking tell me what shit is . You’re well off, mate .

Daniel} Oi Sam. I wanna know what happens with Granny Murray . She’s a very fascinating woman, you know ?. A burning desire. Destined for greatness . All the while you found her in Tescos .

Charlie} He finds everyone fascinating .

Daniel} That’s not true. I don’t find everyone fascinating . Most of the people I’ve met are really boring . Like, you Sam, for an example .

Sam} How dare you . How dare you call me boring . I’m not boring. I can be interesting when I need to . I’ll prove that time and time again .

Timothy} Which is never .

Sam} How do you know what I’m like ?. Have you seen me in action before ?.

Timothy} I live with you, Sam . I see you today, I see you tomorrow, I see you the day after tomorrow, I see you in the night, I see you in the morning . When do I not see you ?. I know everything. And another thing I know is that you’re not interesting. You’re not funny either. Let me tell me how funny you are, you’re about as funny as someone taking a massive shit .

Charlie} Shitting is really funny though. Because you don’t know where it comes from, you see . It just does and it’s fucking weird, man . I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in my life, hahh, I’ve got tears in my eyes .

Sam} Charlie, get out .

Charlie} Ok, that’s fine by me. I’m glad I don’t have to listen to that story anyway. Talking about this so called Granny Murray. You know ?, one day, you’re gonna meet her and she’s not gonna be exactly how you expected her to be. Turns out, she’s an axe murderer, she works in the Hackney Council, her name isn’t Granny Murray, it’s Gajearus and she appears to be your mother . That’ll be an interesting story to tell. I’ll be around for that one. Brings music to my ears. { He leaves the room} ” Bloody ”. { Under his breath}

Timothy} Right, so what were you gonna say ?.

Sam} That woman. Wandering around in the aisles. Appeared to be. You know what ?, forget it, this is shit . { He leaves}

{ A few minutes later, Daniel is making tea, then he adds two spoons of sugar, then suddenly, Timothy comes in and starts dancing around and singing to wind him up}

Timothy} Ayyyyyyyyy. Granny Murray’s house is home for you today, Granny Murray’s house is home too .

Daniel} Ughhhhhh . { He walks out}

End of script

Two Hours Of Guff, Script no 4, Bring On The Dancing Horses

{Warning, script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting down. Charlie is standing on the table, nobody knows why}

Timothy} Oh my god. What the hell are you doing ?.

{ Daniel starts laughing}

Timothy} What are you doing, Charlie ?.

Charlie} What do you mean ” What am I doing ?”, I’m doing the space man jet, that’s what .

Timothy} The space man jet ?.

Sam} Well no, you’re standing on a table, more like . You’re doing the bloody toilet .

Charlie} Ahh you bloody . { He says it in a Scottish accent}

Timothy} No, Charlie mate. Please get down from there. You’re gonna fall down and you’re gonna split your head open. Turn this into a bloody hazard. The last time you did this, I had to wheel you to the intensive care unit. I couldn’t even put you in the bloody car .

Charlie} Yeah, cause you can’t bloody drive . No wonder why I fell in the first place .

Sam} Charlie, please, I can’t see the TV screen .

Charlie} You can watch me instead .

Sam} No, but I don’t want to watch you. This Morning is gonna be on in a minute. Phillip Schofield is gonna do a Rick Flair impersonation. It’s fucking brilliant .

Charlie} Hahh, you bloody gits. You don’t understand anything, do you ?. You watch, you watch, One day, I’m gonna do something revolutionary and you’re gonna die from shock .

Timothy} I tell you what you could do. This is something that would be revolutionary. You can just get off the table and sit down. That sure is revolutionary .

Charlie} Hur, oh my god .

Sam} You never will be a revelation . You can be a wastless turd though .

Charlie} I can be a wasteless turd if I wanted to, but I’d rather be a revelation than a wastless turd .

Sam} Right well, get off the table then .

Charlie} Bloody hell, sometimes I wonder wether you are a human or a fucking fossil .

Sam} Yeah so ?. Everyone’s a fossil. This planet is like two % human, 99 % fossil . And yet we are told that dinosaurs don’t exist .

Daniel} You’re gonna be a fossil in a minute if you don’t shut up .

Sam} Charlie, get down, mate, come on.

Charlie} Make me .

Sam} You bloody terror !!! .

Charlie} No, don’t you dare, don’t touch me, otherwise I’m gonna piss in your tea .

Sam} I don’t drink tea .

Timothy} Yeah you do, you liar. What’s that then ?, that’s tea, isn’t it ?.

Sam} No, that’s Angel Delight .

Timothy} What the fuck is Angel Delight ?.

Sam} It’s that pink stuff, innit ?. It’s sort of like a pink puree. Reminds me of being three and getting the flu and being bedridden for like ten days .

Timothy} Come on Sam, stop trying it .

Sam} How has it come to this ?. How are you guys going after me and not Charlie ?. I’m pretty sure that Charlie has done some awful shit in his time . And yet you’re going after me because of fucking tea. Piss off .

Charlie} Haha, you can’t come after me, Sam. You get the shit end of the stick and I get the goblet of fire at the end of the rainbow .

Sam} Hurh, that git, I bloody hate you. { He says under his breath in a high pitched voice}

Timothy} Can both of you stop ?. You’re both just as annoying. Possibly, Sam is even worse .

Sam} What ?, did you just ?. Oh my bloody god. What did I do to deserve to you lot as my friends. I’d rather make friends with a bloody horse. They can’t do anything but breathe out of their mouth and shit .

Daniel} Say no more .

{ A few minutes later, he comes in with a horse}

Timothy} Oh look, it’s father bloody Christmas .

Daniel} Christmas has come early .

Sam} What the bloody hell is that ?.

Daniel} It’s a horse. You said you wanted one, so here it is .

Sam} I didn’t mean it. When I said that, I didn’t say I wanted an actual horse  . It was a metapor, Daniel . Ever heard of a metaphor ?.

Daniel} Ahhh you bloody. You’re gonna have it anyway .

Charlie} Where did you get it from ?.

Daniel} My uncle works at a farm. I told him you wanted one and he just gave it to me.

Timothy} See Sam, now you can talk to him instead of us .

Sam} Hur, you must be joking . What, that thing ?. I’d run a mile .

Daniel} I came here all the way from my uncle’s farm to give you this bloody horse and now you don’t want it ?. You selfish git. How could you ?.

Sam} We’re not having a horse running around the house, alright ?. Having you lot over here is enough chaos as it is. We’re gonna have a horse ?.

Charlie} Oh come on, Sammy, it’s that bad. If you think about it, it’s just like having a dog .

Timothy} Yeah, one that shits a lot .

Daniel} And oh yeah, you do wanna be careful because horses can kick too. They can boot you in the face and it will send you flying. If you really love it, then wow, that’s some committment . You’re willing to put yourself in danger for a bloody horse .

Sam} I didn’t even want a horse anyway, I don’t know what you’re even on about .

Daniel} Well, you have horse. You don’t want it but you have horse .

Sam} That’s like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard someone say .

Daniel} Look, you bloody thing, man, just take the horse. My uncle made an effort, so be grateful, yeah ?.

Timothy} Do you even have an Uncle ?, I don’t remember you ever having an uncle . { Daniel stares at him} ” Don’t talk about my bloody uncle, alright ?, sutahh ”, he snaps .

Sam} Look man, I know that he’s just trying to be nice and god gave us this beautiful creatre but there’s no space, man. Where am I gonna put it ?.

Daniel} You can put it on the balcony .

Sam} What, on the balcony, are you mad ?.

Daniel} It’s the most perfect place .

Sam} No it’s bloody not .

Charlie} What balcony ?, we don’t have a balcony here, this is a house .

Daniel} Shuttttttttt .

Timothy} Wait. You said your uncle has a farm. Does he really have a farm or are you just saying that to impress us ?.

Daniel} No no no, he has a farm. It’s a small farm but it’s still a farm .

Timothy} Get out of it, really ?.

Daniel} Yeah .

Charlie} Are you sure though ?. Does he really have a farm ?.

Daniel} No he doesn’t. My uncle doesn’t have a farm, he never did .

Charlie} Right, so where did you get it from then ?.

Daniel} I stole it from the London zoo .

Charlie} You what ?.

{ Then someone from the London zoo shouts out of the window}

Woman} You bloody theif. Give us back our horse, you bloody shister .

{ Timothy punches Daniel}

{ End of Act 2, straight onto act 3}

Timothy} Great. What are we gonna do now ?. This woman knows where we live. You know what she looks like ?, she looks like that psycho woman from Misery .

Charlie} Harh, that’s who she looks like .

Daniel} Oh my god, can you just shut up ?.

Sam} You just stole a horse, you bloody fraud . What are we gonna do now ?. If the police find out, you can go to prison .

Daniel} No I’m not going to prison. I’m gonna flee the country and then I’m gonna break free, then Charlie is going to prison instead .

Charlie} I’m going to prison ?. Oh my god, well, why am I going to prison instead of you ?.

Daniel} Cause you’re an nutcase .

Timothy} um guys. You do know that that woman is outside of our house ?. She is raging. You know what ?, I think she might be my mum.

Sam} Oh bloody hell, not this again .

Charlie} This is crazy, you’re crazy. Why did you even have the urge to steal a horse from the zoo ?.

Daniel} Because, I have the American dream. I’ve always wanted to live the American dream .

Timothy} Hur, American dream, you bloody .

Sam} Ok, we’re dead. All because you led a horse into our house .

Daniel} I didn’t steal it. It followed me into the bloody house. It’s not my fault. Bloody shout at the horse .

Sam} Horses can’t talk .

Daniel} Yeah right. Says the one who wanted to talk to a horse .

Charlie} Look guys, just shut it, yeah ?. I have to listen to your shit for five hours .

{ The woman shouting outside}

Woman} Oi, come outside and explain yourselves .

Daniel} No we’re bloody not, go away .

Charlie} Right well, this is bloody brilliant .

{Act 3}

Daniel} Look. Trust me. You lot, go wait outside. I’ll stay inside with the horse. { Then he starts talking to the horse}

Daniel} Looks like it’s just you and me, horsey . Hello my strange child. I shall call you Tesco .

Sam} Oh bloody hell. Come on guys, come with me . We’ll leave him to it . Daniel’s gonna do some serious shit with Tesco or whatever the bloody hell it’s called . Oi Daniel, do you know what you’re doing ?.

Daniel} Yes I know what I’m doing .

Sam} Daniel, you do realize that you’re hanging on a tight thread ?.

Daniel} Oh shit .

Sam} It’s like right there .

Daniel} I know I know. I’ve left the country before, I know how it feels .

{ They all go outside}

Timothy} Bloody hell. You know, sometimes I wonder if that man is alright . You bloody maniac. What do you think you’re doing ?. What’s the hold up ? !!! .

Daniel} Alright, hold your horses .

Timothy} Stop saying horses .

{ Then some random old lady walks past}

Old lady} Hello .

Daniel} Howdy stranger, it’s Howza . { Struggles to keep the horse grounded and the horse is getting restless}

Old lady} Oh dear . Oh what a palava .

{ Then Daniel rides the horse and goes down the street really fast, no one knows what on earth is going on, they all just stand there}

Daniel} Ahhhhh, yee hah. Giddy up horsey. Wooo, oh bloody hell .

Timothy} Oh my god, what the hell is he doing, that geezer ?. Can someone stop him ?. { Daniel starts singing}

Daniel} Naaaaa, don’t stop me now. Born free as free as the wind blows. Arrrr, I am the lord of the . { Switches song} ” I meet you, you meet me, in the fields of barley ”. ” I am the lineman for the countyyyy, and I drive the main road ”. { He carries on singing}

Charlie} Bloody hell. Why’s he gone down there ?. Don’t go down there, oh he’s gone down there, you pillock .

Sam} Do you have any idea where he’s going ?.

Timothy} No .

Sam} Is he gonna come back ?.

Timothy} No .

Sam} Aw shit .

Charlie} Do you think he’s gonna go for a life on the farm ?.

Timothy} Possibly .

Sam} Well. That’s it then, that’s the end of Daniel. I’m gonna miss him .

Charlie} Oop, no he’s not. He’s just down there, I can see him. He’s coming back .

{ Then, you can see Daniel on the floor, he got booted off a horse}

Timothy} Ohh shit, is he alright ?. Looks like he buckled there. See, that’s what happens when you horse around .

Sam} Enough with the puns .

Charlie} Oi Daniel. are you alright down there ?.

Daniel} Yeah, I’m ok. Oof, bloody hell. You might wanna take me to the hospital though. I think I might have fractured something .

Timothy} Yeah we’ll go later .

Sam} Oh thank goodness. I thought you were gonna leave home .

Daniel} Why on earth would I leave home ?. What makes you think I would leave home ?.

Sam} Well, you were going, I don’t know where but you were going .

Daniel} I wouldn’t leave home just to work on a farm. I don’t even like animals . I never liked horses and even more now since I just got booted by one .

Charlie} Ok. Let’s go home .

Timothy} Yeah, let’s go home .

{ They walk back}

Daniel} Hey Sam, you know that horse ?.

Everyone} Ughhh .

End of script

 

The Kids On The East Side Of Town, Chapter 14, I’m Still Here

{Warning, may contain strong language}

Things started to take a turn for the worse. It was all, you know, okay and then suddenly, it went down hill . My mental health starting deteoriating . I started having hilucinations, I could hardly get out of bed. I can’t sleep without turning the light on. I get hilucinations of terrible terrible things. The blood starts appearing on my hands, it’s happening all over again. Just when I thought I had gotten over it, it comes creeping back, and somehow, it’s even worse then before . I started devoloping more issues . I have a loss memory. I can’t even remember the simplest of things, the simple things. I couldn’t even remember what I ate, the night before. I can’t remember the name of the geezer who lives next door . I think his name was Michael .

I don’t even think I can move on from all this. No one’s here to look after me, I’m on my own, it seems. I just want to roll into a little ball and cry in the corner . I just don’t want to live anymore . It’s all happening too quickly . A few minutes later, my mate Leonard came over . Leonard is my mate from uni, he’s from campus. He’s just in town for a little while. While he’s still here, he’s offered to pop by and see me . He’s a nice geezer, that Leonard . I appreciate him taking his time to come and see me, I could definetely use some company right now. As I opened the door, I could see his face . That’s the facial expression of someone who has no clue what’s going to happen. He’s just so happy, I don’t want him to see me like this. One person’s mental state can effect someone a lot. I’m just gonna put a smile on my face and act like everything’s fine, which is pretty much what I do on a daily basis . Story of my life .

” Alright Liam ”, Leonard said, as I opened the door . Read More

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 3, The Conversation About Female TV Presenters

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

Sam} Oh bloody hell, this is bloody rubbish. Why is that old bat on the telly again ?.

Daniel} What do you mean, she’s always on the telly. It’s her show. She’s the presenter of her own show, that’s what it is .

Sam} What ?, it’s her show ?, she shouldn’t even be allowed to have her own show .

Daniel} Why isn’t she allowed to have her own show ?.

Sam} Well, didn’t you hear about what she did ?. When it happened, it was all over the news .

Daniel} What happened ?.

Sam} Well, first of all, she’s a parasite and second of all, she cheated on her ex husband and third of all, she leaked all this fake bullshit in the press .

Daniel} What ?, no no no no, I think you might be misunderstood .

Sam} Yeah I am misunderstood, cause you’re not bloody listening to me .

Daniel} No, I don’t think you really understand . Um, you see. The person you’re talking about is not Beatrice Lane, you’re talking about Camillia Bauman Ella. It’s not Beatrice Lane, she didn’t do shit, that woman . Camilla Bauman Ella is the shady one. It’s obvious, isn’t it ?. She’s proved it time and time again .

Sam} Nah, who the fuck is Camilla Bauman Ella ?, who’s that ?.

Daniel} That’s who you’re talking about, isn’t it ?.

Sam} No, I don’t know who Camilla Bat man Gellar is. I’m talking about Beatrice Lane. Camilla Bat Man Gellar, Beatrice Lane, big difference .

Timothy} No but it’s not though. Beatrice Lane didn’t get in a scrap with a dust bin man .

Charlie} Who says so ?. God, you guys are mad. Go and get a bloody job, instead of talking about Camilla Bat man Gellar, honestly, you’re driving me insane .

Sam} That doesn’t matter. All I know is that Beatrice Lane cheated on her ex husband, she tried to boot a local dust bin man up into space, but she failed. Instead of sending him to space, he flew up and hit a bird’s nest in a tree. Didn’t face charges . Above all that, she’s offensive, she’s a racist. I don’t care what you say, she’s silly . She talk so much shit, man .

Charlie} Oh my god, stop it with this bullshit. She didn’t do anything. Camilla, on the other hand, she did . She keeps exposing her terrible personality the more she’s on TV. Talking about bloody cheese .

Sam} It’s not Camilla, it’s Beatrice .

Daniel} Oh my bloody god . { He face palms}

{A few minutes later}

Sam} Yeah. You know what ?, I think she might be my auntie. There’s a chance, you know ?. Her eyes are very similiar to my auntie’s . But instead, they’re blue. My auntie’s eyes are hazel brown. Hah, who cares, honestly .

Sam} Hey Timothy, do you think she looks like my auntie ?.

Timothy} I dunno, I’ve never met her .

Sam} Oh come on, Tim, just tell me what you think. I’m not gonna punch you, I promise . Just tell me, does she look like my auntie, yes or no ?.

Timothy} Well, eternally, yeah she does .

Sam} How dare you say that about my auntie ?, you parasite . { He punches him}

End of script

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 2, The Sofa

{Warning, contains strong language and adult humor}

Charlie} Why is the sofa right down there ?.

Daniel} The sofa’s always there, what do you mean ?.

Charlie} No it’s not always there. Usually, it’s right in the middle, now it’s like right in the corner of the bloody room. Now, how on earth did that happen ?.

Timothy} I dunno, I guess it just moved.

Charlie} Hah right, hallelujah, it just moved. At least that’s one thing we know. I put it right there before I went to bed, then, this morning, I walk in the room, and it’s bloody all the way down there. Hah, it’s bloody magic. I thought I’ve seen it all. It’s like bloody witch craft .

Sam} What is this, Witch craft ?.

Timothy} No sam, it’s not witch craft, alright . It’s a bloody sofa. It’s got nothing to do with witch craft .

Sam} Well, yes it is, cause it moved all by itself. You can’t tell me it’s not witch craft, cause it is . There’s no doubt about it. Witch craft .

Timothy} Nah man, you’re well off. You probably just moved it, then you just forgot about it . It happens sometimes .

Charlie} Oh yeah, sure, sure, sure I did.

{A few minutes later}

Charlie} Yeah, it’s kind of mad though, isn’t it ?. You see, the thing is, yeah ?, is that it was there a while ago, right in the center of the sitting room and now it’s here, it’s here now. What ?, nah man, it can’t be real. I live in a three bed room house with three wizzards . Who knew ?. Yeah, I just cannot believe it. How did it get there though ?, that’s what I wanna know. It’s bloody mad .

Charlie} Oi Timothy, how do you think it got there ?.

Timothy} Uh, I dunno, really .

Charlie} Go on, Tim, give us an answer .

Timothy} I don’t know, Charlie, I don’t know how it got there . It moved, alright ?. I don’t know how it got there or why it’s there, it’s just there. Okay ?, does that answer your question ?.

Charlie} No it doesn’t . It doesn’t make any bloody sense. A sofa can’t move all by itself . It might as well have legs .

Daniel} Oh my god, can we just stop talking about sofas. You’re doing my head in. Just talk about something else .

Charlie} Daniel, why don’t you like sofas ?.

Daniel} I do not not like sofas, alright ?.

Charlie} Oh, is that so ?, because to me, it seems like you’ve got a serious problem with sofas .

Daniel} Look, you better shut up, otherwise you’re gonna be in that sofa .

Charlie} Ohh, well that’s nice, isn’t it ?. Bloody hell .

{A few minutes later}

Charlie} Wow, you know that sofa is something else, you know ?. How did it even get there in the first place ?.

Daniel} Okay, you know what ?, that’s it, I’m demolishing the sofa, where’s the axe ?. { He gets up} { Then he finds the axe}

Sam} Woah, where did the axe come from ?.

Timothy} He found it under the, the thing . { He points at the sofa}

Daniel} I swear to god, if you say sofa one more time, I’m gonna lose my shit .

Timothy} It is called sofa though, that’s what it is. You’re not gonna call it toilet, are you ?.

{Daniel demolishes the sofa}

Sam} What the bloody hell ?.

Daniel} There, that should do it .

Sam} Great, now you’ve demolished the sofa, you pillock .

Charlie} Where am I gonna sit now ?.

Daniel} You can sit on the floor. You’re welcome .

Charlie} Ah, bloody hell .

End of script

 

 

Two Hours Of Guff, My New Script, The Dancing Queen And Earth Wind And Fire

Hi guys, hope you’re all doing well. I have something very special in store for you guys today . I written a new script. I think I wrote it three days ago . It’s called Two Hours Of Guff. It’s a new series of scripts I have started. If you don’t know what it’s about, basically, it’s about these geezers who just talk crap for two hours. I think it’s very funny, I hope you enjoy it . Just letting you know, this script contains strong language and adult humor, so if you’re under 15 and 18, I suggest that you check in with a parent . Okay, that’s about it, I hope you enjoy.

Daniel} Where were you, last night ?, I heard music blasting from your house at 10 pm. You call that style ?, that’s not style, that’s just stupid. You’re supposed to be sleeping, not dancing .

Timothy} Oh my god, Daniel, I told you, I don’t go to bloody prom .

Charlie} You drove me nuts, man. All day and all night, twisting the night away like bloody Teresa May. What even was that, Abba ?.

Sam} I don’t know what it was .

Timothy} It wasn’t Abba, it was Earth, Wind And Fire. You could tell it wasn’t Abba, because it was a man’s voice .

Terry} That doesn’t make sense though, because they all sing in high pitched voices .

Sam} Yeah, for like one bit, then for the rest of the song, they go back to their normal voices . Normal, whatever that is .

Timothy} No they bloody don’t. They don’t go back to their normal voices. It escelates throughout the whole entire bloody song. It like repeats. It’s different at the beginning, then it’s same at the end. In reality, that’s what a song is like .

Daniel} Man, how do you know about music ?. You work in the indestury or something ?. You seem to be clued up, somehow . You listen to one song and suddenly you’re an expert, all of the sudden . Everyone’s an expert these days. Why can’t it just be like the good old days, why can’t everyone just be clueless. You don’t have to know shit about anything like you do now .

Sam} Yeah, and yet, you choose to live in that world. You go on about society every five minutes. You don’t like this world. If you don’t like this world so much, why not leave ?. You know where the door is, just walk through it, bye bye .

Daniel} Yeah, see, that’s the thing, really. You can’t . Whether you like it or not, this is the world we live in, this is how it is, if you don’t like it, then. There’s not much you really do .

{Silence}

Timothy} How did you even mix up Abba with Earth Wind And Fire ?. They’re like two different things in comparison. How you thought of that is beyond me. You’re mad, you are. How did you even confuse yourself with the two.

Charlie} I don’t know, man. I just felt like that when I was growing up. I didn’t know which one was Abba, didn’t know which one was Earth Wind And Fire. They both just sound the same to me. I know it sounds crazy .

Timothy} But how can you mix them up. It’s obvious, isn’t it ?. They’re different. I don’t know if this is true or not, but everyone in Abba is white, apparently. In Earth Wind And Fire is completely different . You’re thick, totally out of question, but why are you thick ?.

Charlie} I’m not thick, I swear. When I was 15, I got confused between the two.

Timothy} Right well, what about now then ?. Do you still believe that Abba and Earth Wind And Fire are the same ?.

Charlie} Yeah, I still believe that they are both the same. I mean, ok, think about it, yeah ?. They’re very similiar. Skin colour, no, but the music sounds the same. It’s mental if you think about it .

Timothy} I wonder about you sometimes, you know ?, . You’re really bloody concerning . If they ever saw you like this, they’d probably section you . There’s no escape from that one, I’m telling you .

Charlie} Right, well if they did capture me, then it’ll be fine, because then me and the doctors can listen to Abba and Earth Wind And Fire, it will be a right old laugh . { Then he starts singing Abba}

Charlie} Ohhhh, you can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. Ohh, see that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen.

Timothy} Ughh, my god, help me, please . { He face palms}

{A few minutes later, they’re still sitting there}

Charlie} Yeah, it’s kind of crazy, isn’t it ?. It’s kinda crazy how you can make music like that then someone can confuse themselves with other bands. I can get my head around it, it’s bloody mental . { Then he starts talking to Sam, Sam just wants nothing to do with it}

Charlie} Hey Sam, what’s your favourite band ?.

{ Sam is thinking to himself. His favourite band is Abba, but if he says Abba, then Charlie is gonna keep going on about it again, so he comes out with a different answer}

Sam} Uhhhh. The Smiths . { He says The Smiths, it was the first thing that came to his mind, he doesn’t even know The Smiths, but he just said it so that he wouldn’t talk about Abba}

Charlie} The Smiths ?, really ?, is The Smiths really your favourite band ?.

Sam} Yeah, I bloody love their music, it’s wicked .

Charlie} You know what ?. I thought your favourite band was Abba .

Sam} Did you, really ?. That’s mad .

Charlie} Yeah. So why isn’t it Abba ?.

Sam} Shut up !!! .

End of script