Two Hours Of Guff, Script 5, The Mysterious Woman

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

Timothy} Oi Daniel. How many sugars did you put in my tea ?.

Daniel} I put one .

Timothy} Why did you put one ?, it’s got like no taste. It tastes like fucking salt water .

Daniel} What, do you want diabetes ?.

Timothy} Who are you, my dad ?. Why are you so concerned ?. What does it do to you if I wanna have two sugars in my tea ?. What’s it to you ?. What are you gonna do ?. When I put two sugars in my tea, are you gonna open the door and prance around like ” Granny Murray’s house is open for you today, Granny Murray’s house is home too ”. What, are you gonna do that ?. Piss off .

Daniel} Who the fuck is Granny Murray ?.

Timothy} I don’t bloody know .

Sam} I think she works in Tescos .

Charlie} Does she ?.

Sam} Yeah she does . I’ve seen her before. I went in there once and .

Charlie} You went in there once ?.

Sam} Shut up .

Charlie} Who goes inside a shop once ?.

Sam} Gajearus . { Pronounced in a Greek accent}

Charlie} Who’s Gajearus ?.

Sam} I don’t know .

Charlie} Who ever she is, she sounds nice. She might be my granny. She’d make us a lovely cup of tea. And she’ll add no sugars .

Sam} Sutah !!!!! . { In a Greek accent}

Charlie} Bloody hell . { Under his breath}

Sam} Ok carrying on. I was in Tescos and I and I .

Charlie} You went in there once . { Interrupts again}

Sam} Look, do you wanna go and stand outside ?. I’ve had enough of you. { Does a high pitched scream to mock Charlie} ” Ahhhh, ahhh, you fucking child ”

{ Daniel laughs}

Sam} God. You sometimes, who can put up with you ?. Great, now I feel like going for a shit. Cheers mate. Bloody Charlie .

Charlie} It’s not my fault your bladder flapped .

Sam} I’m going for a shit, not a piss .

Charlie} I know, but it’s the same thing .

{ Timothy makes a hand signal to say that Charlie is crazy}

Charlie} Don’t fucking tell me what shit is . You’re well off, mate .

Daniel} Oi Sam. I wanna know what happens with Granny Murray . She’s a very fascinating woman, you know ?. A burning desire. Destined for greatness . All the while you found her in Tescos .

Charlie} He finds everyone fascinating .

Daniel} That’s not true. I don’t find everyone fascinating . Most of the people I’ve met are really boring . Like, you Sam, for an example .

Sam} How dare you . How dare you call me boring . I’m not boring. I can be interesting when I need to . I’ll prove that time and time again .

Timothy} Which is never .

Sam} How do you know what I’m like ?. Have you seen me in action before ?.

Timothy} I live with you, Sam . I see you today, I see you tomorrow, I see you the day after tomorrow, I see you in the night, I see you in the morning . When do I not see you ?. I know everything. And another thing I know is that you’re not interesting. You’re not funny either. Let me tell me how funny you are, you’re about as funny as someone taking a massive shit .

Charlie} Shitting is really funny though. Because you don’t know where it comes from, you see . It just does and it’s fucking weird, man . I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in my life, hahh, I’ve got tears in my eyes .

Sam} Charlie, get out .

Charlie} Ok, that’s fine by me. I’m glad I don’t have to listen to that story anyway. Talking about this so called Granny Murray. You know ?, one day, you’re gonna meet her and she’s not gonna be exactly how you expected her to be. Turns out, she’s an axe murderer, she works in the Hackney Council, her name isn’t Granny Murray, it’s Gajearus and she appears to be your mother . That’ll be an interesting story to tell. I’ll be around for that one. Brings music to my ears. { He leaves the room} ” Bloody ”. { Under his breath}

Timothy} Right, so what were you gonna say ?.

Sam} That woman. Wandering around in the aisles. Appeared to be. You know what ?, forget it, this is shit . { He leaves}

{ A few minutes later, Daniel is making tea, then he adds two spoons of sugar, then suddenly, Timothy comes in and starts dancing around and singing to wind him up}

Timothy} Ayyyyyyyyy. Granny Murray’s house is home for you today, Granny Murray’s house is home too .

Daniel} Ughhhhhh . { He walks out}

End of script