The Kids On The East Side Of Town, Chapter 14, I’m Still Here

{Warning, may contain strong language}

Things started to take a turn for the worse. It was all, you know, okay and then suddenly, it went down hill . My mental health starting deteoriating . I started having hilucinations, I could hardly get out of bed. I can’t sleep without turning the light on. I get hilucinations of terrible terrible things. The blood starts appearing on my hands, it’s happening all over again. Just when I thought I had gotten over it, it comes creeping back, and somehow, it’s even worse then before . I started devoloping more issues . I have a loss memory. I can’t even remember the simplest of things, the simple things. I couldn’t even remember what I ate, the night before. I can’t remember the name of the geezer who lives next door . I think his name was Michael .

I don’t even think I can move on from all this. No one’s here to look after me, I’m on my own, it seems. I just want to roll into a little ball and cry in the corner . I just don’t want to live anymore . It’s all happening too quickly . A few minutes later, my mate Leonard came over . Leonard is my mate from uni, he’s from campus. He’s just in town for a little while. While he’s still here, he’s offered to pop by and see me . He’s a nice geezer, that Leonard . I appreciate him taking his time to come and see me, I could definetely use some company right now. As I opened the door, I could see his face . That’s the facial expression of someone who has no clue what’s going to happen. He’s just so happy, I don’t want him to see me like this. One person’s mental state can effect someone a lot. I’m just gonna put a smile on my face and act like everything’s fine, which is pretty much what I do on a daily basis . Story of my life .

” Alright Liam ”, Leonard said, as I opened the door .

” Oh hi Leonard, thanks for coming, man ”, I said .

” No problem, man. Hey look, I got you some tea bags, thought you might need them ”, Leonard said .

” Oh lovely, cheers. Well, come inside then, it’s a blizzard out there, you don’t wanna get the flu, do ya ? ”, I said, and me and Leonard walked into the sitting room. He was quite fascinated by the stairs .

” Wow, is this where you live ?, it’s a nice place, not bad, not bad at all . Wait, wait a minute, is that a staircase ?”, Leonard asked .

” Yeah, that’s a staircase ”, I replied .

” It’s fucking massive, isn’t it ?”, Leonard said . ” You know what, my grandmum has this thing, yeah ?, where she sits on this chair and it takes her up the stairs, she can’t walk properly, she’s like 80, bloody mad, those things ”, Leonard added .

” Yeah. Oi Leonard, fancy a cuppa ?, I could make you one if you want ?, I wouldn’t mind one myself, actually, I got a bit of a head ache ”, I said .

” Ah cheers ”, Leonard replied .

” Cool, well, take a seat, make yourself at home. I’ll go and get the kettle on ”, I said .

” Alright, cheers mate ”, Leonard said, as he wandered around the sitting room and had a little snoop around . If he has a look through my stuff, I’m gonna kill him, that nosy son of a bitch. I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m not gonna kill him, that’s a bit too far fetched . He’s allowed to do whatever he wants, I couldn’t give a monkees .

Leonard’s read}

Whilst Liam was in the kitchen, getting the kettle on. I decided to have a little snoop around. As I wandered around the sitting room, I stumbled across some photos . I tried my very best not to get fingerprints on them, Liam would kill me if I did. I had no idea who was in the photo. Could it be someone who Liam knows ?, I don’t really know. Maybe now is not the right time to bring it up . I don’t really wanna bother Liam. In every one of those photos, it was like a whole other world. What a way to capture a memory ?.  I briefly picked them up and then I left them on the fire place with the rest of the photos. After a few minutes went by, Liam walked in with the tea .

” Hi Liam, you’re back ”, Leonard said.

” Yeah, here you go, a nice cup of tea ”, I said .

” Ah cheers, mate. I needed this . Oh, it’s a bit hot, still, I’m gonna let it cool down a bit first, but it’s nice though, cheers ”, Leonard said, as he took the cup of tea and put it back on the tray .

” We all need one. An evening’s not complete without a cup of tea, it’s the best drink of the day ”, I said.

” It is, yeah ”, Leonard said . ” Do you wanna turn on the telly ?”, Leonard asked .

” If you want to ”, I replied .

” Have you seen anything good, lately ?, any good programmes ?”, Leonard asked .

” Nah, not really, man, there’s all shit on the telly now . You know, before, they used to be all this great stuff, now, there’s nothing. You just get these middle class dregs, sitting on the sofa, boasting about how imperfect their lives are, it makes me sick ”, I said .

” Yeah, then there’s millions and millions of people on the other side of the world, who are struggling. They’re grommits, they are, their sad little lives ”, Leonard said . ” Oi Liam, you know the geezer who lives next door ?, I bumped in to him on my way down here, yeah, a bit mad, he is, he is not wearing any pants ”, Leonard added .

” Who, Richard ?”, I asked .

” Who the fuck is Richard ?”, Leonard said .

” He’s the geezer who lives next door, innit ?”, I asked .

” It’s Mick, you silly billy. His name is Mick, I don’t know where you get Richard from . Well anyway, we bumped into each other earlier, he says he wants to come and see you, he said, go to his house and have a cup of tea ”, Leonard replied . ” I didn’t even know who he was, at first, I just thought he was a loose cannon, I thought he just escaped the nut house, it’s like fucking chicken town down here, everyone’s bloody mad  ”, Leonard said . ” But you know, he does have a heart of gold, so I’ll give him that ”, he said . ” So, Liam, how have you been getting on, how’s things ?”, Leonard asked .

” Yeah I’ve been doing fine, so and so ”, I replied . ” Taking one step at a time, you know how things are, how about you, how are things going for you ?, you settle in ?”, I asked .

” Yeah, I’m doing alright, I’m thinking of going back to uni, I’m gonna go and do my masters, I’m gonna stay here for a bit, then I’m gonna go ”, Leonard replied .

” Oh really ?, ah nice one. ” What are you doing for your masters, like do you know yet ?”, I asked .

” Um yeah, I’m gonna do Literature ”, Leonard replied .

” Are you ?, that’s great . You know, I’ve always been fascinated in Literature, just never got to do it, that’s all . I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be able to write a story. There’s nothing more amazing then a good story. ” Now I, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I thought I had it all figured out for me, puh, I guess not . Jesus, it’s like, how can someone’s life be so meaningless ?”, I said .

” No one’s life is meaningless, Liam ”, Leonard said .

” No it is. I don’t even know what my purpose is. I’m waking up every morning, every day is the same. You sleep, you wake up, sleep, eat, shit, reproduce and die . I’m drifting along with a fucking tumbling tumbleweed. Don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to be doing ”, I said . ” I just wanna get out of here, go somewhere else. Start a new life, what do you reckon ?, do you think I could do that ?”, I asked .

” You can do anything, man ”, Leonard said .

”  Good luck with everything, man, you’re gonna do good out there ”, I said, as I patted Leonard’s back very gently . ” Hur, alright Leonard, I’m gonna head upstairs, get some sleep ”, I said, as I walked out of the room .

” Alright Liam, are you sure you’re okay, yeah ?”, Leonard asked .

” Yeah I’m okay ”, I replied .

” Ok well, just let me know if you need anything, alright ?. If you need a glass of water, just give me a quick nudge, ok ?”, Leonard said .

” Alright, will do, ok goodnight ”, I said .

” Goodnight, sleep well ”, Leonard said, and Liam went upstairs to his room . I slept in one of Liam’s spare rooms. I was lucky enough not to sleep on the sofa. I get a bad back .

At three AM in the morning, I woke up to a loud bang. I didn’t know what it was. It scared the shit out of me, it was so sudden, I almost banged my head on the bed frame . It could be anything, really, something could have dropped. It was so loud, but when you hear that kind of bang, you know that’s not a small thing that fell on the floor . I flew out of the bed. When I say I flew, I flew. I leapt right across the room, I almost fainted. I felt so light headed. I quickly got out of my bed and went to go and see what was going on . I went to go and check on Liam. I opened the door as fast as I could, and I walked in to see Liam just lying on the floor. This was when I started to realize that something was definetely up with Liam. I began to worry . But I had no time to think, I went to go and see if Liam was okay .

” Aw, look at you ”, I said and Liam just lied there, on his hands and he was facing the floor. I bent down on the floor and I turned the light on . We couldn’t see a damn thing .

” I’m okay, I just fell, I just fell. Sorry, I just feel a bit hot and I feel a bit dizzy ”, Liam said .

” Oh for fuck sake, I knew I shouldn’t have let you come up here on your own, I should have kept an eye on you. I knew that something like this would happen, come on, let’s get you up ”, I said, and I helped him up . A few minutes later, he was lying on the sofa and I was sitting beside him . Liam started to take a turn for the worst . He began panicking and forgetting things . I figured I was going to stay with Liam until he’s better . I looked into his eyes and I could see pure fear. I felt bad for the geezer. We hung out at uni quite a lot. We did stuff together, there wasn’t a time when we weren’t together . We were best mates . I just hate seeing him suffer like this, it’s dreadful . I’m just worried that he might forget about me . We’ve known each other for five years now, why should he forget me now, why now ?. I held his hand tightly and I just didn’t leave his bedside . He started panicking and shaking .

” Leonard, Leonard, what’s happening, what’s happening ?, where am I ?”, Liam panicked and he started shaking. I had to calm him down with every little I had .

” Liam, it’s alright, everything’s gonna be okay, it’s ok, you’re alright . There’s nothing to be scared of, I’m here ”, I assured him. He probably thought I was some mad demented therapist . Forget Literature, I should of done a masters in phychology . I seem to be good at it as well .

” Now, you just stay here and get some rest, I’ll take care of everything else, take it easy, alright ?, I’ll go and get the kettle on ”, I said, and I left Liam . ” If you need me, just give me a shout ”, I added and I left the room . As I walked into the kitchen, I just crouched down in the corner and I just started crying . I can’t bare seeing Liam like this. He can’t even look at me, it’s that bad . He probably won’t even remember half the things we’ve done together. He probably doesn’t even remember that I’m his mate, but I do, I’m fighting for my friend. I’m doing all I can to keep him grounded . I’ll do whatever it takes to get him back on his feet . Whatever that may result, I’ll do it .

As I looked into his eyes, I could see the sense of sheer vunerability . I looked right through the lense of a very broken man. I don’t know what made him go like that in the first place. I’m not the kind to properly ask tons and tons of questions, perhaps I’ll just let this one slide .

I was sitting in the corner of the room for so long that I forgot that I had put the kettle on. Bloody unpredictable, that is . I fucking can’t wait to set the house on fire, I’m a bloody health hazard, I am. I hope Liam doesn’t find out, otherwise, he’d give me a good hiding . I’m gonna set this bloody place on fire . Oh wait no, you can’t set the house on fire, because it’s in a bloody kettle, haha, I’m a silly billy, I am . I don’t know what I’m bloody doing, it’s bloody tatters . I’m not gonna make tea, I’m gonna make lard instead. Hm yeah, lovely, that should do it, fucking hell . After I was done in the kitchen, I came out and I made my way to the sitting room .

” Oi Leonard, are you done yet ?, you’re taking ages in there ”, Liam shouted .

” Um yeah, I’m coming, one minute ”, I said, and I carried on walking . ” Bloody hell, this is a bit of a treck, isn’t it ?, Gordan benett ”, I mumbled to myself . Liam’s house is fucking massive, it’s like a bloody church . Like seriously, it was such a treck for me to make my way from the kitchen to the sitting room. It’s insane. Bloody church. It’s not that big, bloody hell . I’m making it out as if some big massive thing, it’s not that big . I’ve just had a long day with studying and stuff like that, don’t listen to me .

As I walked into the sitting room, I put the tea tray down on the table . Liam was lying down on his bed . He just didn’t know where he was . I had to wave my hand in front of his face to try and grab his attention, it was almost as if someone knocked the light out of him. The lights are on but nobody’s at home . I never thought I’d be doing this, I always thought that Liam would do alright . It’s funny how life works sometimes . Life’s tough at the moment . I’ve been studying for my exams, I’m doing my masters in September, so I’m leaving home the year before so I just have some time to prepare and stuff like that . It’s really a handful at the moment . I have to look after Liam and do my masters at the same time . I really don’t know how I’m gonna do all this, I’ll have to figure something out . We’ll figure something out, we always do .

As I walked into the sitting room, I put the tea tray on the tea table and I waved my hand in front of Liam’s face, to try and grab his attention. It was almost as if he was sleeping, but also in a sense, he wasn’t . But whatever it was, it worried me massivly .

” Liam, hello, hello, Liam, wake up, Liam, it’s me, Leonard ”, I said, as I waved my hand very gently in front of Liam’s face . He looked at me for a second . Something awakened in him. All I could see was the expression of Vunerability . The look of someone who didn’t realize he was in a dark place . If I got to the bottom of this, things would be so much easier . But he just won’t tell me, why, why won’t he tell me ?, is it something I shouldn’t know ?. I don’t understand . Why doesn’t he want me to know ?. If it’s a private matter, that I can understand, but I just can’t bare seeing him like this . If you ask me, I think it’s bloody horrifying . I don’t know what’s gonna happen with my mate . I hope he gets better. Whatever it is, he’s probably gonna get worse before he gets better . Whatever that’s gonna entail, what do they mean by worse ?. This is scaring me .

Every night, I have to keep an eye on him . I have to watch him like a hawk, just in case he falls down the stairs or something . Touch wood, he doesn’t . I’m doing all I can to look after Liam . He’s giving me nothing but vunerability and fear . I’m trying my very best to create a safe space . He used to look out for me, so now, I’m gonna look out for him . That’s what friends are for .

As the morning passed . Liam started displaying more and more symptoms . He started getting disorientated . He kept asking me who I was and what I was doing here, I kept telling him that I was his best mate, he just got more and more disorientated . I saw him walking in and out of his room, he kept dazing into in the sky, not really knowing what he’s doing . One of these days, something’s gonna happen to him, like he’s gonna fall down the stairs and knock a few teeth out or something . And god forbid, I’m not there to help him get back up . Even I have had sleepless nights myself. Every night, every night, I sleep with one eye open, because I have to make sure that Liam’s alright . He’s just starting to worry me even more now . With the way he is now, something tells me that he’s gonna be gone by tomorrow night . It’s just so bad, I don’t think he’s gonna make it .

Sometimes, he even thinks that there’s two of him. He starts getting aggressive when I tell him there isn’t . He’ll start throwing things. Yesterday, he got the remote control and he chucked it at some woman who was walking in the street . I had to come out and apologize to her, she was horrified . It’s just things like that, it’s just been accumilating for the past few days . He’s getting more and more aggressive by the day . There are times where I let him go out and get some fresh air. Sometimes, he will go out, get some fresh air and then he’ll come back, simple as that, but then, there are times where he’ll end up pissing off some random driver and then he’ll chuck an onion at some random stranger . It’s like the lottery with that one .

I went up to my room and I had to check something . As I was doing that, I heard a very faint voice . It was coming from downstairs . I ran downstairs as fast as I could, trying not to trip over. I walked into the sitting room . To my surprise, it was Liam’s voice . He needed me . I was wondering ” What could it be, this time ?”. Turns out, Liam was asking me if he wanted to go to Mick’s house . It took me quite a while to figure out that his name was Mick, Liam told me his name was Richard . Liam’s not in the right frame of mind, as it happens . The next thing was whether I was going to let him do it . Knowing Liam, he doesn’t look too good and I don’t even know if he could walk across the street and come back in one piece . I had to make a decision . Was I going to let him ?.

” Leonard, Leonard, I was wondering, you know, um, can I go and visit Mick ?, I won’t be long, I’m only gonna see him and then I’ll come back ”, Liam told me .

” You wanna go and see Mick ?”, I asked .

” Well yeah, I promised him that I was gonna come over and have a cuppa, Mick’s lonely, you know, he’s got no one to talk to, he’s only got me, you see ?”, Liam said .

” Oh, I don’t know, Liam, I don’t think you’re well enough. Are you sure you can walk in the street all by yourself, how are your legs ?”, I asked .

” My legs ?, what’s wrong with my legs ?, my legs are fine, look, I can walk, I can stand, see, look, I don’t know what you’re on about, Leonard, I’m absolutely fine ”, he said .

” Are you sure ?, are you sure you wanna do this, Liam ?”, I asked .

” Yes, I’m sure . It’s only down there, it’s a bit of a walk but I can do it ” Liam replied .

” Liam, it’s not ideal. You can’t even walk up the stairs properly, your legs are weak, how are you gonna walk up to Mick’s house ?”, Leonard asked .

” Leonard, it’s really nothing, I do this all the time, every morning, I go and see Mick, first thing, I’ve been there, done that, there’s nothing to worry about, I’ll be fine ”, Liam replied .

” I know, but it’s different now, isn’t it ?”. You’re more weak, you need rest, you’re not supposed to be up down, going all over the place, you’re not used to it, you’re supposed to sit in one place, but knowing you, you don’t sit in one place, don’t you ?”, Leonard asked .

” Yeah well, what else am I supposed to do, sit down all day, I need to get up, innit ?”, Liam said .

” I know, but, it’s what’s best for you. When you take it easy, you’ll get better. You won’t get better if you keep getting up every few minutes ”, I told him .

” Ah, you bloody. What, are you gonna be a doctor now ?, did you go to medical school or something ?, you smart cunt ”, Liam said .

” Well yeah, I am, actually, I’m looking after you, no one else is ” I said .

” You’re not my doctor ”, Liam said .

” Right ok, fine, you can go, but just for five minutes, alright ?. When you’re done, come straight back, don’t go pub or anything, alright ?, you come back, first thing, yeah ?”, I told him .

” Yeah yeah okay. ” Alright bye Leonard ”, Liam said and he put on his coat and he headed out .

” See ya ”, I said, as I waved. In about a few minutes, he was off . He was that adament to see Mick . Bloody hell .

I’ve met Mick. I saw him on my way to Liam’s house . Yeah, he’s a nice geezer. A bit of a nut case but he’s alright . I think he did time once . Got sentenced five years for fraud . What was funny though, was that when he was telling me this story, he started laughing . Geezer’s an absolute lunatic . I don’t know whether he was actually joking or if he was serious . I’d like to think that it’s fake . I would have run a mile . There was another thing that I found quite odd . The whole time he was talking to me, he just stood in the passage . He didn’t move, he didn’t stand in any other part of the house, just the passage . I think he’s just paranoid . A little part of me was wondering why he stood in the passage the whole time . Did he just not like the sitting room ?, was he scared of the sofa or something ?, it’s weird . It made me think ” Right, I think I should just go home and leave him to it ”. I think, other then the fact that he shook my hand and introduced himself to me, made me think that he actually liked me, but him standing in the passage the whole time, made me think otherwise . There wasn’t even that much space in the passage . How on earth did he stand there ?. Honestly, this is a weird neighborhood . I should have gone back to Shepards Bush or wherever the fuck I just came back from . Mick is a lovely geezer, I could see why Liam likes talking to him, he’s just got that charm, you know . How could you not go to his house and have tea and a nice long chat ?.

Meanwhile, Liam was at Mick’s house. They were having a cup of tea and a nice long chat . They were mainly just catching up and going over a few things .

” Oh, I don’t know, Mick, I think I’m just losing it, to be honest with you. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I’m stuck in a pile of crap. I’m lost. I’ve tried to get myself out of it but I just can’t ”, Liam said as he was crying . ” I hear a voice in my head, it keeps telling me ” You’re not gonna make it, you’re never gonna get better ”, I just can’t shake it off. I feel like I’ve truly betrayed everyone ”, Liam added .

” Oh Liam, I hate seeing you like this . Is this why you didn’t wanna come and see me, yesterday ?, is that why ?. You poor thing . What happened to you ?, I haven’t heard from you in months, what’s happening ?, is everything okay ?”, Mick asked . He generally tried to help him. He hasn’t heard from Liam in months, he thought something was up, and perhaps there is .

” Life happened . Life came crashing down on me like ton of bricks, it gave me a reason to feel like this . I had friends, they made me feel better about life, and then suddenly, pkkk, they disappeared . I don’t know where they’ve gone. One night, they were here, and then, they were gone, the next . Oh, I don’t know, Mick, it’s all just been a bit confusing to me, as well, to be honest . I’m trying to understand ”, Liam replied . ” Can’t quite get my head around it, it’s a bit too much ”, he added .

” What do you mean by lost ?, by lost, do you mean gone or missing ?, what do you mean by lost ?”, Mick asked .

” No, they’re gone, they’re dead . Johnny, Travis, Emmett, Dominick, Jamie and Kevin, they’re all gone, man, they’re all gone, every single one of them, gone ”, Liam replied .

” Who’s Johnny ?”, Mick asked .

” He’s my mate, he’s my best mate ”, Liam replied .

” Where is he now ?”, Mick asked .

” He left us a while ago. He was a good kid, he was. A heart of gold ”, Liam replied . ” I wish he was still here, he’s missing out on so much. The world’s beautiful out there, you know, and he’s not here to see it ”, Liam added .

” Oh dear. Well, I’m incredibly sorry. I didn’t know . That must have been hard . I know what it’s like to lose someone, believe it or not . My dad passed away when I was only five . So many complications, so many complications. He was in and out of the hospital. They found a lump, in the back of his spine . He always told me, every night, he told me ” If only they stopped giving me my medication, I would have gotten better ”. Turns out, he was wrong . His medication was the only thing keeping him alive . You know ?, we always knew he would go one day. It got so bad, that it rushed all the way to his lungs . He lost so much weight . He looked like a skeleton. My mum knew that we’d get the phone call, next morning . I could just feel it. If I heard the phone ringing at three in the morning, I would know why ”, Mick said . ” But yeah, he was a good man, he always bought me chocolate, he cared for me . I just didn’t understand it. Why is he not here ?, why isn’t he at home ?. I was only five at the time, I couldn’t understand shit if I tried ”, I added . ” But, at least I know, he’s up there, looking down at us, he ain’t suffering anymore ”, he said .

” Was he scared when he died ?”, Liam asked him .

” Who ?”, Mick asked .

” Your dad, was he scared when he died ? ”, Liam asked .

” Yeah. He just lied there, on the sofa, with his arm sticking out . I already knew he was gone. My mum was having none of it, she told me to go upstairs to my room, she didn’t want me to feel the pain . But I knew, I knew . It’s funny, actually, because I knew he would die one day . It was too obvious . I knew that one day, I’d come back home and my dad wouldn’t be there . And I wouldn’t understand if he wasn’t . A few years later, I went back to school and I tried to be normal. I tried to live normal, I tried to act normal, but the pain still hides deep within ”, Mick said .

” See, that’s the thing, isn’t it ?, things happen years and years ago but it still hurts . That’s exactly the same thing with me . My mates were here, and they were leading me into the right direction. I felt so much happier with them. Now they’re gone, I, I just feel lost . I’ve tried to carry on, I try to get out of bed every morning, but I just can’t, it seems . I don’t know who I am anymore, I just don’t want to be here anymore ” Liam said as he was weeping with tears .

” Hang in there, Liam, it’s gonna be alright. You’re gonna come away from all this, one day. You’re gonna be healthier and you’re gonna be happier, you’re not gonna suffer anymore ”, Mick told him .

” Oh, I don’t know, man, I’m stuck. I can’t go in, I can’t go out . It just feels like there’s a barrier, it’s coming over me. I don’t think I can survive one more day ”, Liam said .

” Please stay, Liam . Think about all the people who will miss you when you’re gone, how do you think they’ll feel ?”, Mick asked him .

Suddenly, Liam had a flash back. Of all of his mates, who are no longer with us, sadly . Liam was deep into his thoughts .

” Who, everyone’s gone, man, no one’s around, man. And if there was, no one would give a monkees about me, they couldn’t give a toss . I’m a monster. They’re just standing around on the  back sides of their clouds, just waiting for my day to come. They’re taking everyone else, they’re taking all the innocent individuals, why can’t they take me instead ?, that would be something, wouldn’t it ?. I’m so sick of being relevant, I just wanna disappear ”, Liam replied .

” Hey, liam, look me, look at me. It’s gonna be okay. Things will get better, I promise. It may seem tough now, but later, all those problems will disappear . Life’s what you make of it. We only have one life, Liam, enjoy it, because when we’re gone, that’s it, there’s no coming back ”, Mick said .

” I’m scared, Mick. I’m scared ” Liam said, as he started shivering .

” Why are you scared, Liam ?”, Mick asked .

” I don’t wanna go out there, man. I’ve seen enough darkness, I don’t wanna live another day . I just wanna disappear. I don’t even know who I am, I don’t know what my purpose is. My best mate is out there, doing his masters, he’s planning on doing literature, rolling around the fucking campus. And I’m here, doing nothing . I’ve been here for too long. I don’t wanna imagine what’s gonna happen in the future . I’ll probably be a drug addict or an alchoholic ”, Liam replied .

” No, you’re not gonna be either of those things . The damage it does to your body, Liam, it’s not worth it . Trust me, I’ve seen it with my own two eyes . My mate, Terry, yeah ?, he was an drug addict . Took charlie and shit like that. Kept going and going, until eventually, it took over . Died of an overdose . Poor Terry, ay ?. He was a lovely geezer as well. I did tell him to stop, but he just wouldn’t listen to me. That’s what that shit does to people, Liam, they wish they never took it in the first place . Don’t do what he did, don’t make the same mistake . Once you do it, you’d wish you’d get your life back . Don’t do it, don’t contemplate it, ever, alright ?. I don’t wanna lose another friend ”, Mick said . Liam could see several tears rolling down his face, Mick looked like he was gonna lose it .

” Well. You’re gonna lose me anyway . I’ve made my decision, I’m gonna be gone by tomorrow afternoon . And at three oclock, that’s the last you’re ever gonna see of me. I’ve lived my life, now it’s time to go ”, Liam said . ” Where’s the knife ?, where’s the knife, give me the fucking knife  ”, Liam shouted and he was looking for the knife .

” No, no, don’t say that, don’t say that . You’re gonna stay . Listen to me. We’re gonna get you some help and we’re gonna make you all better, alright ?. We’re gonna get you out of this malaky . Um, that mate of yours, the one who’s studying literature, um, what’s his name ?”, Mick asked .

” Argh, god, I can’t remember things properly, um, I think his name was Leonard, yeah, that’s it, his name is Leonard ”,  Liam replied .

” Oh that’s it, alright cool. Um, so this mate of yours, Leonard, you say, um, does he know about this ?, where is he ?, is he with you ?”, Mick asked .

” Um yeah, he’s staying over at my place, he’s there to look after me, he’s gonna be there for a few weeks and then he’s gonna leave to go back to uni to go and do his masters. He knows about me, he knows about everything . I told him I was gonna come here, you see ? ”, Liam replied .

” Right ok. Um, is he alright with you going out for a bit of fresh air ?”, Mick asked .

” Yeah I think he’s alright with that, he doesn’t seem that bothered, really . He allows me to go out for fresh air. Other then that, I can do whatever. He’s not my bloody babysitter . I’m older then him for Christ sake, I should be the one who’s looking after him, not the other way around .

” Yeah, but he’s not the one who’s sick, you are, do you understand ?”, Mick said .

” Yeah, he’s gonna be the one who’s sick in a few weeks, who can keep up ?”, Liam said as he started laughing .

” You’re mad, you are  . Even if you’re not well, you still have that spark in you, don’t ya ?. That’s good, at least . It’s a sign that you’re on the mend ”, Mick added .

” I bloody hope so, otherwise I’m gonna lose my head ”, Liam said .

” Come on then, go outside, I’ll be inside if you decide to come back . You’re more then welcome ”, Mick said as he tried to get Liam out of his house  .

” Alright see ya ”, Liam said. ” Ha, daft twat ”, he said under his breath and he walked away . He went on a little walk. On his way out, he stumbled across the neighbor Cliff. He was up to something mad, probably having a run in with a passer by . No one really knows who he’s talking to, to be honest . If anyone knows Cliff, you know that he’s mad.

” Ahhh, you fucking cunt, come over here, I’ll fucking do you one, you look at me like that, bloody parasite, running out with your fucking pants, put some clothes on, you knob ”, Cliff shouted .

” Cliff, you can’t say that to him, he’s Canadian ”, Liam said .

” I don’t care if he’s fucking Canadian ”, Cliff shouted .

” Cliff, it’s me Liam ”, Liam told him . He probably thought he was someone else .

” Oh hello Liam ”, Cliff replied . Trying to appear like he’s normal, not like he didn’t just flip out . Honestly, stranger things are happening every day .

Then he crossed over and went to the pub and stopped for a pint . He’s not supposed to be drinking, don’t know what he’s doing in a bloody pub . Can’t wait to get even more sick .

After a little while, I was at home, waiting for Liam to come back . He’s been gone for quite a long time . After he was done at Mick’s house, he said he would come straight back home, but there’s no sign of him. I don’t where he’s bloody gone, I can go out and look for him, but I probably shouldn’t . I’ll wait for him to come back when he’s ready, which is kind of a very unhealthy situation, because knowing Liam, he’d probably sleep walk into some violent stupid situation without me even knowing .

After a few hours, Liam returned back home . As he slammed the door behind him, I could tell that something was up . He was acting kinda strange . He was in good spirits . I don’t know why, maybe he saw an aeroplane . Considering how he was a few hours ago, he had no energy, he didn’t wanna talk to me, but he was focused on going to Mick’s house . I don’t know where he went, but whatever it is, he seems strange .

” Hi Leonard, you alright, yeah ?”, Liam said as he came in and closed the door.

” Where have you been ?, you’ve been gone for hours ”, I asked .

” Nothing, I just went over to Mick’s house for a cuppa, we had a little talk. It’s such a lovely day. ” It’s a lovely day, it’s a lovely day ”, Liam started singing .

” What’s wrong with you ?, you seem to be cheery ”, I said .

” No it’s nothing, that’s just what happens when you go outside, it’s nice, isn’t it, you know, the sunshine, the birds, it’s lovely ”, Liam said. He sounded drunk .

” Hang on. Have you been drinking ?, you’ve been drinking, haven’t you ?, I asked him .

” What do you mean, have I been drinking ?, of course I haven’t been drinking, walking takes it out of you, doesn’t it ?”, Liam replied .

” I think you have been drinking, what have you been up to ?”, I asked him .

” Oh yeah, well, I went pub and I had a pint, I had a chat with all the geezers there, everyone’s doing great, this is brilliant ”, Liam replied .

” Liam, what the fuck ?, what are you doing at the pub, you’re not supposed to be drinking, I did tell you, didn’t I, I told you not to drink, it’s not good for you, your body is weak, you see ?, it can’t handle alchohol and other fluids ”, I told him .

” Well, a glass of beer won’t do any harm ”, Liam said .

” Pathetic, bloody hell. Does Mick know that you’ve been drinking ?”, I asked .

” He doesn’t know bloody anything . I tell you, you were right about him standing in the passage though. Geezer was so focused on standing in the passage, that he just didn’t want me to fucking leave. Huh, anyway, he told me to say hello, he wishes you luck on your masters ”, Liam said .

” Oh did he ?, oh alright then, tell him I said thanks ”, I said . ” Oi Liam, do you want tea ?”, I asked .

” Yeah lovely, cheers ”, Liam said and he went to sit down .

I told him not to go to the pub. I don’t know what he’s doing, going to the pub and drinking. He should have just gone to Mick’s house and come home straight away . Now he’s just stumbling around, drifting along with a tumbling tumbleweed . I told him not to drink, I bloody told him not to drink, bloody cheeky .

A few minutes later,  Liam was lying on the sofa, I was tidying up around the sitting room, just getting some cleaning done, so that Liam doesn’t have to do it.

” Here we are, your sitting room is almost done, spick and span, it was an absolute tip . Now, not one bit of dust in sight, I’m gonna go and clean the bathroom sink in a minute, I’ll have that done as soon as possible ”, I said, as I was cleaning the sitting room.

” Aw, cheers Leonard, what a lovely angel you turned out to be, in the end ”, Liam said .

” In the end ?, so I wasn’t always an angel ?, what are you on about, sometimes, seriously ”, I said, as I started laughing a little bit .

” Well, you know, I was always the one who I was looking after you, so it’s the other way around, you didn’t do shit ”, Liam said .

” Right, now that’s going a bit too far now, you’re getting ahead of yourself now ”, I said . We were both laughing .

” Hey Leonard ?”, Liam asked .

” Yeah ?”, I said .

” Do you remember the time when we hung around at campus ?, do you remember that ?”, Liam asked .

” Yeah, what, do you mean the time where we ran around campus and scared the shit out of everyone ?”, I asked .

” Yeah. That was one of my best memories of being at uni . We were just clueless, were we ?. We didn’t know better, we just let loose and we were crazy  ”, Liam replied .

” Yeah, we were nuts. I just remember running around like headless chickens, scaring the shit out of all the tutors and all the students. The looks on their faces, puh . I said .

” We just ran, we just ran, didn’t we ?. I honestly just didn’t know where I was at the time. I was running somewhere but I just didn’t know where I was going . Our tutor had the hump, he didn’t look too happy . He was like ” What do you think you’re doing, Liam, If I see you running like that again, you’ll be sent home ”, and I was like ” Hah, kiss my arse, I don’t need your education anyway, I’ve got a big future ahead of me, I’ve got stuff to look forward to ”, but you know, turns out I was wrong ”, but still, you know, that was hilarious, it really pissed him off, that’s the most I’ve laughed in a very long time ”, Liam said .

” Yeah. Those were the good old days . We’re not getting them back, by the looks of things . The world’s changed in so many ways, London has changed. I don’t even recognize it anymore .  When I was about 15, there were skin heads and dick heads out on the streets, there was a lot of poverty. Yeah it was quite rough . But that’s where I grew up, that was my home. I lived there and I breathed there. I knew what the area was like. Now, all these ponsies are moving into the area, it’s just not the same anymore . It’s not how I remember it at all . You used to see these geezers around here, you know these big geezers with leather jackets, like proper rough necks, man, if you see them, you would know . They’d chase people down the fucking street, they’d shit you up, like proper . My mate got roughed up by one of them, once. Yeah, It was not pretty . I don’t know where he is now, I don’t think I’ve heard from him, but one of those geezers found him and they fucking done him in. You’d see his shadow, you would know if he’s there, you’d notice it miles away. Ever since, he just doesn’t go down there anymore . He thinks they’ll still be there . That was years ago, so I still don’t know, maybe they’ve moved, maybe they’re not around anymore, maybe they have died out . It was fucking mad in those days . Yeah, nothing like now . They’re changing up the area, it’s more gentrified ”, Leonard explained .

” Yeah, I miss the old days . I know I’m supposed to look forward but I just can’t. I can only look back, do you know what I mean ?. Nothing’s happening now, well, nothing good’s happening  anyway. There’s no miracle. I don’t have a future to look forward to. Back in 65, I thought I did. I thought I had it all planned out for me, I thought there was gonna be a road map, thought I was gonna have some direction . But I was told by my teacher back in my old school, she said to me, she goes ” Liam, you’ve got a big future ahead of you, you’re a very special boy, you just have to keep going, keep doing your thing, keep doing what you love ”, but I just didn’t listen to her, because you know, 11 year old me wouldn’t listen to anyone, no matter who they were, you can run it pass me any way you like, I just didn’t listen . She looked me in the eye and she said that I was gonna have a bright future ahead of me, she said I had so much to look forward to, but I’m still waiting ”. Liam said . ”I just don’t have a purpose, you know, what am I, what am I supposed to do ?, what am I living for ?. Am I supposed to be sweeping dirt of the streets, am I supposed to be painting fucking buses, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do . I’m just living for nothing. ” I’m living for nothing, Leonard, can you believe that ?, I’m just an old boot, waiting to get cast aside the bloody river Thames. Nothing can save me, nothing can help me, nothing can drag me out of this mess ”, Liam said .

The way Liam started talking really hurt me . The geezer’s just given up on himself. I’ve never heard someone talk like that before, this is really bad . I don’t know if I can talk him out of this, but I’m trying . I’m gonna need to do a lot more then consoling him . I need to really up my game here . Help Liam before it’s too late, stop him from going down that path . I already know what he’s gonna do next, and if I’m being honest, it’s really scaring me . He’s gotten really bad since the first day I saw him. He’s already talking about the end of his life when in reality, he’s just starting it . He’s just broken . If you looked him in the eye, you could see a very vunerable person. You can see a man who has truly given up . There’s so sparkle in his eyes anymore, he’s just utterly, completely empty .

” I just can’t do this anymore, Leonard,  I don’t think I can stay for one more day, I’ve just had enough ”, Liam said as he just lost it. He had floods of tears rolling down his face.

” Aw, Liam Liam, come here, it’s gonna be okay, everything’s gonna be okay.  We’re gonna be fine, alright ?.  Just give it a bit of time, things will get better ”, I told him as I put his arm around him .

” I just, I just don’t wanna live anymore, I’ve seen enough ”, Liam said .

” I don’t want you to go, Liam, I don’t want you to die, I need you here with me, you’re like the best mate I’ve ever had. Without you, I’m completely useless.  We need to go through this together. You and me. I’m here for you, Liam. If you need me for anything, just tell me ”, I told him .

” Oh, I can’t do this, I’m going upstairs ”, Liam said, and he just stormed off and he headed upstairs to rest .

” Liam, come back, Liam, where are you going ?, come back . Oh, he’s gone, isn’t he ?, he’s gone. Aw, poor geezer ”, I said as I started crying . I’m trying to tell him, I’m trying to tell him that everything’s gonna be okay . The only thing he’s interested in is dying . He just doesn’t wanna wake up . He wants the world to swallow him up like a black hole .

As the night went on, he got more weak . He spends half of his day just sitting in the corner of the room, just dazing into space. And he’ll do this for hours . It makes me feel concerned . He’s not getting up and he’s not going on walks. He only sits in silence for the rest of his day . He’s looking through the glass stained window but he doesn’t see any sun . It’s as dark as a grey cloud on a rainy day . He doesn’t look at the bright side, he looks on the dark side . I have told him countless amount of times, I said to him, I go ” Liam, take a look on the bright side, where the sun is shining bright ”, but he just continues to look on the side where it’s dark and gloomy . I have yet to find out what’s really going on .

For days and days, I have tried to help him, I have booked appointments for him to go and see the doctor . Quite a few of them I have managed to book, considering how busy the NHS is at the moment . I have tried to bring him in to see a professional . There was this one consultant, I think her name was Cheryl . She was absolutely lovely . She was quite thorough . She didn’t quite understand what was going on with Liam . I’ve told her quite a few times, but it was a tough situation . At this point, Liam’s mental state started deteorating even more . You couldn’t even look at him, you could just see the pain the poor geezer had to go through . And what’s worse is that no one even knows what happened . Even I don’t know, but I would like to . He’s my mate and I wanna help him, in order to do that, I need to know, otherwise, no one can help him .

” You ok, Liam ?. Is there anything you wanna tell me ?”, The nurse asked him .

” No I’m alright ”, Liam replied as he was looking down at the ground . The nurse sighed .

” Look. You know you can talk to me. I’m here to help. Is there anything on your mind ?. Hm ?”, The nurse asked .

” I don’t know, nurse. It’s all a bit confusing myself here, if I’m honest. I’m still trying to understand ”, Liam replied .

” Look. I know that you’re confused, I’m confused, you’re confused, we’re all confused. We’re all trying to navigate our way through life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just tell me what’s wrong, you never know, I might be able to help you ”, the nurse told him .

” Well you know, it’s just. I’ve been feeling bad lately. I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see a little lense ”, Liam said .

” A lense ?”, the nurse asked .

” Yeah, and it, it covers my sight. It’s almost like I’m blind, like I can’t see anything but that ”, Liam replied .

” And this lense ?, what did it look like ?”, the nurse asked .

” It’s like a mirage of red, like a big dark cloud ”, Liam replied .  Then, a flash back suddenly came fludding in, of every time he was awaken from his sleep by a hilucination . A very gnarly one. One he couldn’t shake off .

” And, I’ve, I’ve tried to get rid of it, but I just can’t. It just won’t go away ” Liam said and he started crying .

” Oh no, you poor thing. Come here ”, the nurse said and she went to hug him to try and comfort him about the whole thing .

” I just don’t know what to do, nurse. I don’t wanna live anymore, I’ve had enough. My whole life is in shambles ”, Liam said .

” Hey, it’s gonna be okay. I know it’s hard right now, but whatever it is, it’s gonna get better. It always does. Do you have any family, any friends ?”, the nurse asked him .

” No. They’re all gone, man. All of them, Jamie, Dominick, Kevin, Travis, Johnny and Emmett, they’re all gone . I always knew they’d never come home, I knew . With a flip of a coin, just like that, gone ”, Liam replied . At this point, he was just in a lot of pain, he was struggling to keep it together . His face was like a waterfall. It was so bad that even a box of tissues wouldn’t cover it . It was incurable . ” I’ve just been feeling useless, miss . ” I’ve been thinking about it all night, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve just betrayed everyone. The voices in my head, they all just cry out for help. They all just look down at me and they say ” Liam’s just left me out here to die ”, Liam added .

” Oh liam, you should have told me about this, earlier ”, The nurse said .

” I didn’t tell you because I thought you would be busy with work, you know, you’re always dealing with patients, they’re in need of help more then me, so I just thought that I would try and brush it under the carpet and not tell anyone ”, Liam said .

” Oh that’s so unnessary, of course not. If anything, my patients are more important then anything else in the world. If you say it earlier, done, sorted. Don’t have to worry about it anymore . It’s not good, you know, stress . You just come and see me in my office. Look, I’m afraid I have something to take care of, I need to go. But look, I tell you what ?. you can go and see Debbs ”, the nurse said .

” Who is that ?. that nurse ?, what does she specialize in ?”, Liam asked her .

” Who, Debbs ?. She specializes in mental health, she works in the psychiactric ward, she’s absolutely lovely, that Debbs. She might have something for you. you can go and see her, I’ll just go and let her know, shall I ?”, the nurse said .

” Um yeah ok, do you what room she’s in. I don’t wanna get lost, you see ?. This hospital’s quite big . It’s easy to get lost in a place like this . What door number is it ?”, Liam asked .

” She’s in room 35. She’s probably busy seeing someone at the moment but you can just knock on the door and see if she’s in. Alright Liam ?”, the nurse asked .

” Ok miss, well thank you for taking your time to come and speak to me. Really appreciate it, cheers . See, it’s really hard to see someone at this time of day, it’s chock a block ”, Liam replied .

” Yeah, I’m glad you came in and spoke to me, you did the right thing, Liam ”, the nurse said .

” Yeah, again thank you ”, Liam said .

” It’s ok, I enjoyed it. Nice little chat. Well alright then, I better get on with my shift.  Alright, take care, love, bye bye darling ”, the nurse told Liam .

” Bye ”. Liam said as he waved at the nurse, and he was off . The next day, he came back, hoping to get something out of it . However, the nurse had something else in mind .

 

” Liam, I really do think you’re over exaggerating ”, the nurse said .

” Oh am I ?. How do you know that I’m over exaggerating ?. How do you know if this is real ?. Do you know what it’s like to live my life ?. Do you know how it feels to live your whole life in a prison ?. Do you know how it feels to get shat on, every single day, whilst you’re still trying to figure out what’s going on yourself ?. Do you know what it feels like to have friends and family taken away from you in front of your own eyes ?. Do you know how that feels ?. Oh, I suppose you don’t. You have it easy, do you ?. Yeah, of course you do. You don’t give a fuck. You couldn’t give a shit about anyone ”, Liam shouted, as he suddenly switched .

” But, I do care, of course I care . You know what my job is ?. What do you think I’m doing now ?. What do you think I’m doing, dancing ?. You know how much of my time is devoted to doing this job and working here. You don’t know, you don’t know what happens behind closed doors . You’re an outsider . You spend most of your time outside of this hospital, you don’t know, you have no right to question my job like that ?. All I care about is making sure that everyone is alive and well. I couldn’t care less about everything else, I couldn’t care less ”, the nurse shouted . ” If the patient is okay, cool, fine, I’m happy . I don’t do this for no reason, you know ?. People are not always doing their best. It’s even worse now that the world’s changing. I’m always here working day and night in this ward .  Day in day out, working my fingers to the bone, I don’t have days off because my boss doesn’t let me, he’s like that, I don’t know why . Life’s just so crazy nowadays, we’re all moving at this fast pace. We’re all tired and we’re all exausted but we get up in the morning and come in to work. So don’t assume that I don’t care about my patients, alright ?. I won’t have it ”, the nurse continued .

” Right, so when your patients slowly disappear, do you blame it on yourself ?”, Liam asked .

” I’m sorry ?”, the nurse said .

” When your patients are not around anymore, and they’ve disappeared off the face of the earth, do you look at yourself and say ” God, I have truly fucked up here, haven’t I ?, If I put my foot down and took that extra step, he or she would be here ”, do you ever think that ?”, Liam asked .

” No I don’t, cause I looked after every single one of my patients. I never looked back, not once I have felt like that, not even once . I always take care of my patients. You know, Derrick on ward nine, oh he was terrible when he came in. Just lost his wife two years ago, he’s been struggling ever since. He’s been crying himself to sleep every night, he’s been wishing death upon himself for many more times than I can remember. Tried to talk him out of it. Ever since his wife died, he hit rock bottom. But look at him now, he’s fit, he’s healthy, he’s got a job in a corner shop in Dalston. He got all his pains and his past struggles and he’s managed to take them and switch it around. I gave him another chance at life . If I didn’t look after him, he would be down there. I always look after my patients. Always, I don’t care who they are, I don’t care what they’ve done in their lives. I’m gonna look after them, arn’t I ?. Get them back on their feet. They deserve another chance at life . No one likes an early death. We all have our own daily duties ”, the nurse replied .

” Bullshit, bullshit . You don’t care for your patients. You couldn’t give a monkees . And that Derrick you speak of, yeah, he’s probably already dead, he’s not here. I garantee you that he’s not doing well, you’re coming out with all this bullshit about him having a new life and he’s working in this shop in Dalston. I know that isn’t true, he probably died and you’re just keeping it as a secret . You couldn’t give a shit . ” Oh no, she’s dead, he’s dead, that’s terrible, what a shame. ” But what’s worse is that I’ve lost my job, I couldn’t give a shit about the patient and how sick he or she might be or how long they have left, don’t care about all the pain and the grief and the loss their family has to deal with in his passing. But that’s alright, cause at least I still have my job. At least I’m still able to put food on the table. Oh but one minute, people are sick and they’re dying, their loss . Like they’re ok. No one’s gonna care anyway. As long as you’re alright, innit ?. You selfish, fuck off. Don’t, don’t give me your bullshit, ain’t happening. You’re not gonna trip me up ”, Liam shouted . ” I know what you’re like, you pretentious, selfish, good for nothing slag. You don’t care for any of these people. You just care about keeping your job. I bet you haven’t even seen someone die in front of you. I like your position, Debbie, are you really that successful ?. Did you work hard for that position, or did your dad just hand it to you on a silver platter ?”, Liam asked .

” Stop, stop ”, she said as she was trying to make him stop before he would go too far . Then it will be a problem .

” Hm, I bet your dad doesn’t even care about you ”, Liam said as he stared at her with his piercing stare .

” Shut up, shut up ”, she said, she looked absolutely horrified and devestated . He couldn’t go any further .

” I bet he can’t wait for you to move out. Hm ?, he’s been longing for this moment all his life, now the time has come ”, Liam told her . The confrontation became even more agressive and threatening as it went on .

” Shut Up !!!! ”, the nurse screamed .

” Don’t ever underestimate me like that again, you understand ?. Don’t say that I’m over exaggerating, cause I’m not. This is real. What you’re seeing here, is real. All these tears, all this fear, all this fustration is all real. And guess what ?, this is also real. And you know what else is real ?, what I’m about to do now ”, Liam said and he walked up to a wall and he started punching it. He took all his rage out on the wall. He just completely lost it .

” Uhhh, you fucking bitch, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Just give me the help I deserve and no one gets hurt. You hear me, I said no one gets hurt ”, Liam shouted . The nurse felt threatened and scared, so she locked the door so that Liam couldn’t bolt the door open and come in. She felt like it was the right thing to do .

” Ahh, let me in, let me in. Open the fucking door. Arghh, oh. How could you do this to me, you bitch ”, Liam shouted as he was in pain . He leaned against the door, he was in tears. He started to get really agressive .

” Somebody help me, there’s a man with a knife, get him out of here. Please ”, the nurse shouted. She was standing behind the door, keeping it locked .

” Oh god. Uhhh. I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry. I’ll be a good boy. Just let me in, help ”, Liam cried out, then suddenly these security guards came out and took him out of the hospital. They just dragged him across the floor .

” You fucking cunts, man. Let go of me. Where do you think you’re taking me. Put me down, you fucking mugs ”, Liam shouted . Once he was taken out, Leonard walked in .

” What are you bloody doing ?, you bastards. Where do you think you’re taking him ?”, Leonard shouted .

” They’re taking him to a place where he’s better off and where he’s safe ”, the nurse replied .

” What, prison ?”, Leonard asked .

” No, nothing like that. Somewhere where they’ll keep him for a little while, until he calms down a bit ”, the nurse replied .

” Hey listen. This is my mate we’re talking about here. What if something happens to him ?”, Leonard asked .

” Nothing’s gonna happen to him, he’ll be fine ”, the nurse replied .

” You see how bad he is getting. You can’t just leave him like that. You have to do something ”, Leonard demanded her .

” I’m sorry, love, we can’t do anything, I’m afraid . We did all we could. We’ve tried everything. He just seems to have gotten worse. He’s just sucking everyone’s blood like an energy vampire, I wouldn’t wanna imagine what’s gonna happen to him in the future. He’s heading down a dangerous path. I fear it may cost him everything. Right, I’m gonna head off ”, the nurse said and she walked out .

” Bye miss ”, Leonard said .

” Be careful, Leonard ”, the nurse said as she looked in him in the eye .

She’s already turned her back against him. She’s the nurse, for goodness sake . The doctors can’t help him. We’ve tried everything. Worst comes to the worst, he’s gonna become even more agressive to the point where it becomes dangerous . There was this time where he were on the bus and we were heading down Haringay . I honestly thought that a fight was gonna break out. The geezer just wouldn’t shut up. Everyone on the bus just stared at me, out of all the people they could have looked at, they stared at me . It’s not my bloody fault he’s deranged . I’m just trying to live my life, and unfortunatly, he’s trying to live his life as well. Whatever that is . I didn’t really know what he was on about, to be honest. I had to try and pretend like I knew what he was on about . He kept going on about London and summer in the city, but I couldn’t bloody do it. I just wanted to get off the bus as quick as possible .

” Listen to the city and feel it as it really is, what is really being said. It’s saying many different things. Sometimes like now they, they’re saying ” There is no other way, there, there is no other way  !!! ”, Liam said .

It broke my heart. He became more and more unprectable. You don’t know what he’s gonna do next, you don’t know what’s gonna be his next move. From then on, he started getting more unwell. He began drinking heavily, and he turned to awful dreadful things like drugs and alchohol. He wouldn’t go to bed without his anti depressiciants . He has to have two or three tablets on his bed side table right next to his bed. I keep telling him, I go ” You don’t need them, Liam ”, but he just gets agressive and he’ll throw things, I just thought I’d stay out of it. If it’s gonna result in violence . I’ve tried to help him but I can’t . He’s a tough cookie to crack .  I’ve just given up. Don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow or the day after. The rest is history .

I think he’s gonna have a tough time, if I’m honest. He walks the streets like nothing happens. Something’s gonna happen to him and I have a feeling it’s not gonna be nice. I just wish that someone would help him. I just wish that someone could pull him aside, look him in the eye and say ” Hey, it’s going to be okay ”, but I don’t think so. With the way it’s going now, I don’t think anyone’s gonna be up for helping him.

{Liam’s prologue on his mate Jamie’s tape recorder}

Dear unkown reader. If you’re reading this. You’re probably not, but if you are, it’s possible that you’ve stumbled across this message . Things have been tough lately. I’ve just lost my will to live. I’ve done everything I could to keep my head above water, but it seems that nothing has helped . Everything is gone, everything has disappeared. Everything that gave me hope to live in the first place is gone. I just don’t know what to do. I just want the world to swallow me up. As life goes on, I just realize that life’s not worth living. Every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I just want to disappear .

I don’t think life is worth living. I don’t think anything is worth anymore. It just seems like all the things I’m no good at are the things that people used to hurt me with and all the things I am good at don’t really matter . But I guess that most of my time, I’ve just been trying to catch up, but every time I look up, I can’t help but notice that everything’s changed. I am slowly fading away into the unknown. My body feels like it’s shutting down. It feels like I’m already dead, it’s such a weird feeling . Why does everyone want to hurt me ?, why does life want to hurt me ?. Please, be my friend, please help me .

Yours sincerily, Liam Neeson xxxx

As he was done, filming a tape recording on his tape recorder that his old mate used to have before he died. Liam made his way into the sitting room. Leonard was there, speaking to him. He was just dazing through the window .

” Hey, Liam, wake up Liam, it’s Leonard ”, he said, as he waved his hand to try and grab his attention . He suddenly came alive again .

” Sorry, I’m sorry. Just drifted off there ”, Liam mumbled .

” You’re miles away ”, Leonard said as he went to turn the light on . ” You shouldn’t take those, I don’t think they agree with you ”, he added .

” They help me think ”, Liam said .

” And the other ones ?”, Leonard asked .

” They stop me from thinking ”, Liam replied, as he smiled .

” You really should tell Dr Bench about those hilucinations ”, Leonard told him .

” Yeah, next thing I need to know is the doctor’s bill ”, Liam said .

” They don’t do those anymore, silly. They stopped doing them in the late 60s ” Leonard said . ” I found a bit of lamb in the freezer, I figured you might want it . Yeah, it would be lovely . I thought I’d throw in a couple of spuds, make some tea ”, he added .

” You’re so very kind ”, Liam said. Leonard was about to leave the room.

” Oi Leonard, leave it ”, Liam said as he shook his head . Liam started shivering and he just sat there in silence .

” I don’t wanna go out there. I don’t wanna go out in the dark, I’m scared of the dark ”, Liam muttered .

” Oi Liam. What’s going on ?. I think it’s about time you finally told me what on earth is going on. I’m worried sick about you. Every night, I have to hide your shooter, every night. Ever since I came here, you’ve been keeping this as a secret. Now will you please tell me what the fuck is going on ?”, Leonard asked .

” No no, I don’t wanna talk about it ”, Liam replied .

” No come on, Liam, you know you can talk to me. We don’t keep stuff to ourselves round here, we tell each other everything . I won’t tell anyone, I promise ”, Leonard told him .

” I don’t know what to tell you. Everything’s just been all over the place. I can’t think. Every time I try and think, my head feels funny ”, Liam said .

” Liam, I understand . I know how you feel. We all feel like that sometimes, but you can’t be doing this to yourself. It’s not good, you know ?, stress. You get sick like that ”, Leonard told him .

” I know, but I can’t help it, Leonard. My life is wortless. Maybe if I do die, then it’ll be good, innit ?, I can just disappear, no one will notice ”, Liam said .

” That’s just nonsense. Of course people will notice. What about your family and friends. How do you think they will feel ?. When you’re gone, how do you think they will feel ?”, Leonard asked .

” I don’t have family, man. My mum moved. My dad died long time ago ”, Liam replied .

” I’m sorry ”, Leonard said . ” Well, what about your mates ?”, he asked .

” No, they’re all gone, man. Every single one of them, they’re all gone ”, Liam replied .

” What happened to them ?”, Leonard asked .

” There were so many complications, so many complications. I’d rather not say. Just gonna make the whole thing ten times worse. But, they were my best mates, we were so very close, you wouldn’t understand, we were like one big happy family . When I started, I had everything, now I’m left with nothing. You hear me ?, I have nothing ”, Liam said and he breaks down}

” Hey, you still have me. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m gonna stay here right until the end, I’m not going anywhere, don’t you worry about that ”, Leonard said .

” Thank you for being there, Leonard, cheers ”, Liam told him .

” That’s alright. I’ve got my masters and everything in September but all of that can wait, I’m just making sure that you’re okay, alright ?, all that other stuff, I couldn’t care less ”, Leonard told him . ” Say. Your mates sound cool, I bet you had a right laugh ”, Leonard said .

” We did, we did. There were times when I laughed so much that I felt sick afterwards ”, Liam said as he started giggling .

” Oh wow, shit. You were rudeboys, you know ?”, Leonard said .

” Yeah we were. We’d always chase each other through the neighborhood and all the neighbors would often lose their shit. So funny, man, fucking hell, We were proper mad bastards. Those were heavy days ” Liam said .

” Yeah ”, Leonard said .

” You know, I’m so angry about what happened to them. They didn’t deserve shit. Those bastards just couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. If I could, I would go down there and I would do them in. They’re my mates I lost. Poor Travis, man, he was probably scared. And Kevin as well ”, Liam shouted .

Then it shows the flash back of the night where the rest of the gang died. It shows the part where Kevin got ran over by a car .

” Oh no, oh my god, oh my god, Kevin, what happened to you, man ?. ” You bastards, you just knocked over my mate ”, Dominick shouted .

” Dominick, I can’t see anything, I can’t feel anything, I feel so numb ”, Kevin said as he was shivering in pain, his face was all bunged up, looked like his both of his eyes popped out .

” Kevin, it’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna get you some help, just stay with me, Kevin ”, Dominick was shouting and he was crying and he was freaking out . ” Jamie, quick, call an ambulance, Kevin’s hurt, Jamie !!!!!! ”, Dominick cried, but Jamie was no where to be seen, he already jumped off a cliff and died}

” Kevin, stay with me, it’s gonna be ok, just hold on ”, Dominick told him ,

” I don’t wanna die yet, I’m not ready ”, Kevin said .

” I know, Kev, you’re not gonna die. We’re gonna go and find help ”, Dominick said . Then he started rocking him back and forth in his arms and he started singing very gently .

” Don’t fall asleep, my child, stay with me, stay with me. ” Hmmmmm ”, he sang very gently . { But Kevin closed his eyes and he fell unconcious}

” Oh my god, Kevin, Kevin, wake up, man, come on, wake up. You’re gonna be alright, just hold on. ” Jamie help !!! ”, Dominick screamed, he sat there, holding Kevin in his arms, he rested his head on his lap, he was crying in pain.

” Shit ”, Leonard muttered .

” Why did they have to go ?, why couldn’t they just stay here ?, why ?”. Liam started crying. ” I don’t wanna live anymore, I’ve had enough, ohh. ” These should help ”, Liam said and he found these pills and starts taking them.

” No no, give them to me, give them to me. Put them down, put them down, don’t take them, I swear to god, just let go of them ”, Leonard said and he tried to snatch the pills off of him. Then Liam breaks down.

” I’m not gonna let you have an overdose. God knows how many of them you already took today. That’s enough, two’s enough ”, Leonard shouted .

” I’m stuck, Leonard, I’m stuck ”, Liam muttered .

” Look, I tell you what. It’s about time you started taking better care of yourself. You can’t carry on like this, it’s not good. It’s not good for your mind, it’s not good for your health. It’s about time you had a new life. You should go and work at The Warner Brothers headquarters. They’d love you there. You’re always going on about how you wanna study film ”, Leonard told him .

” Nah come off it . They all see me as a recloose. Some are even afraid of me, sure, I can snap every once in a while, but that doesn’t make me all bad ”, Liam said .

” I know, Liam, but you need to fix yourself up. You’ve had enough bad luck in this place, you’ve proved your point, you should move on ”, Leonard told him . Liam just sat there in a daze .

” My real name was Richard, Richard Jonathon Neeson. My mum named me Liam because there was a mix up in the hospital, but not only that, she named me after my great grandfather who died in the second world war. He was wandering around the war grounds when suddenly he was shot, the soldier pulled the trigger and he shot him in the exact place where he said he would shoot him and he was indeed shot . Right through the face. My mum never told me about what happened to grand dad, only now I realize. Then, another soldier came along and that man was indeed my father. You would have thought that he would fight for him, and he did it, oh he faught like mad. Luckily he survived, he was lucky he was able to walk away from that . He had a bullet lodged in his skull. That thing was there for years, but it was a shot, you see ?, the shot, the shot did the damage . Then he met my mum. All our lives, he could never work for anyone else. He could never do someone else a favor, it would drive him mad. The the the bullet in his skull and he would smash up the village, shout at people and just spend the entire night screaming . So he had to be his own boss, you see, he had to be . But people took him for granted. He just felt like he couldn’t do his thing. He was a bystander . He just couldn’t wait to disappear. ” Anyway, that’s why I’m called Liam. I could never work for anyone else. It would drive me mad. Everything I tried to do is here. I tried to create a family like atmosphere here in this house, I tried my very best to welcome my mates, I ensured their safety. My mates are gone, I’m gone. I just can’t see how I’m gonna move on from all this ”, Liam said .

” I’ll make tea ”, Leonard said and he walked out. Liam continues to stare through the window . He has a memory of when he was a little boy, when he was accompanied by his father. It really struck him because of the fact that it’s been so long since he passed away and he finds it hard to not think about him . His father really had a big impact on his life . He was the one who cared for him when everyone else just turned a blind eye . He will never forget his father’s death, it will always stay with him .

” You Liam, are a very special little boy. You have that little sparkle in you. I have a feeling you’re gonna go on to do great things, I just know it ” , His father told him . Just the thought of it would make him cry, because of what his father said to him. He believed in him, but looking at where he is now, he’s really struggling with life. A few minutes later, he was sitting down on the sofa and Leonard was with him.

” You’re gonna be alright now. Everything is sorted, just sit down and relax. You don’t even have to think about paying the rent. I’ve got it all sorted .

” Cheers ”, Liam said . Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The person was banging the door quite agressivly . Knock !, Knock !, Knock ! .

” Hello, hello, Oi, Liam, are you there ?, it’s Mick, I just wanna have a little chat. I’m gonna hurt you, can I come in ?”, Mick shouted .

” Oh fuck, it’s Mick. I said I’d go back to his place but I didn’t, I went to the pub. He’s probably waiting for me . Aw shit ”, Liam mumbled quitely .

” He’s your mate, isn’t he ?. He lives a few doors down from where you live, you said he was nice. I’m sure he won’t bite ”, Leonard said and he went to go and see who was there .

” Yeah, the geezer who stands in the fucking passage all day. Bloody hell ”, Liam said . A few minutes later, Leonard and Mick are having a chat .

” Yeah don’t worry about him, Mick, he’s got the hump, you know?. What can you do ?.

” Hi Liam, you alright, yeah ? ”, Mick said .

” What’s all this then ?”, Liam asked .

” Nothing, just thought I’d come and see you like, you know ?. I’m not interrupting anything, am I ?”, Mick asked .

” What, you think you could just come here whenever you want ?. Scuffling around like you always do ”, Liam shouted .

” Liam, what the fuck ?”, Leonard said as he looked at him .

” And the fact that you thought that you were helping me, puh. You’re just like the rest of them. You’re always belting around like a fucking parasite. The last time I saw you, you tried to kill me . You tried to take my life ”, Liam shouted .

” No, I was trying to take the knife away from you. I was trying to prevent you from taking your own life. If I wasn’t there, you would have done it as well. You wouldn’t have come home to your mate, he was worried sick about you, wouldn’t stop asking about you every five minutes ”, Mick said .

” Yeah sure, sure you did. You’re just another time waster. You think you’re helping me but you’re not. So why are you here then ?, you wanna waste my time, hm ?”, Liam carried on .

” No, I just wanted to come and see you. You looked quite bad the last time I saw you. Wanted to see how you were getting on ”, Mick said .

” I’m doing fine, I’m doing absolutely fine. A bit tired, but that’s it really. What’s new ?, I get it all the time, I’ve been there, done that, it’s nothing new ”, Liam said .

” Right then ”, Mick said .

” You bloody twat, of course I’m not doing okay. I’m always not doing okay. What is normal ?. It’s definetely not how I’ve been feeling . It’s everything except for normal. I’m stuck in the bloody house, I can’t come out ”, Liam said .

” You can get out of the house. Knowing you, you can. You can probably fly as well. You can do anything, man. Come on, Liam. We don’t want this to end on a bad note, do we ?. Knowing you, we get along so well, we don’t want it to end like this ”, Mick told him .

” No we don’t. I’m sorry Mick, I apologize, I apologize ”, Liam said as he calmed down a bit .

” It’s ok, don’t worry about it ” Mick said . ” Well I’m um, I’m just gonna head off, It’s getting late. Oh well, thanks for having me ”, he said .

” No it’s ok, stay a bit longer ”, Liam said .

” Nah Liam, I really need to get back. I need to feed and walk the dog, he’s probably waiting for me, I need to go ”, Mick said .

” No Mick, it’s ok, just stay a bit longer. Come and sit down, my mate Leonard will make you some tea. ” Oi Leonard, make Mick some tea, will ya ?”, Liam shouted.

” No thanks, Liam I don’t want tea, I need to go ”, Mick said and he tried to walk away but Liam just kept badgering him to stay .

” No I’m being serious, just sit down for a bit. I’m not gonna keep you for long. I just wanna ”,Liam said but before he could finish his sentence, his gun accidently went off and it got Mick.  The gunshot bounced off the wall and it damaged it as well.

Mick went tumbling down the stairs. Liam was shocked. He didn’t mean to. It went off by accident. Liam would never do such a thing. He displayed signs of guilt. Leonard was beyond shocked. He was downstairs when it happened, and he caught Mick and he landed on top of him. Leonard could see smoke coming from Mick’s back .

” I think he’s dead, Liam. I think he’s dead. Uhhh, what have you done ?. What have you done ?. Oh my fucking god ”, Leonard shouted, he was in tears, he couldn’t handle it .

Luckily he was able to catch him from his fall, not like it changed anything. Mick was pronounced dead at the scene . Liam was in the other room, his hands were shaking . He picked up the shooter again. He suddenly pointed the gun at Leonard. Leonard was pleading on his knees .

” No please no, no no no no no ”, Leonard cried, as he put his arms up. His hands were covered in blood . Liam walked up to Leonard and he tried to comfort him because he was scared .

” Shhh, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright . What’s the date ?”, Liam asked .

” Pardon ?”, Leonard asked .

” What’s the date ?”, Liam asked .

” It’s July the fourth, it’s July the fourth ”, Leonard cried . Liam held Leonard’s hand for a second ensuring him that he’s still there .

” Goodbye Leonard ”, Liam said. And he went to sit on the stairs. He pointed the gun in his mouth. He poked his head through the banister . You could see him on the other side . He closed his eyes . Suddenly, in his dream. He was sitting on the floor outside . He just looked up and there was a really beatiful sunset. Then suddenly, he looked down and he saw a strange little boy. That boy was indeed Travis . He looked at Liam and he smiled . Then he took Liam by the hand and they both soared through the sky . His life was flashing before his very eyes .

He pulled the trigger on the gun. The gun went off. Blood splattered everywhere. His body shrivveled into a cloud of pink dust. Leonard had to witness that, the poor geezer . He’s gonna have a tough time with that .

I was absolutely horrified. I turn around and I see his body lying on the floor with blood all over him. It was almost as if Liam wasn’t there anymore. Instead, there was a headless body. That was a geezer I once knew . I was friends with him . He could have easily gotten better. People who have lost loved ones, they live with grief and loss, but they get better . Liam could have switched his life around. He could have gotten a job, he could have been happy and healthy . He’s not here anymore . Feels like yesterday . I feel so glad to have known him in my life, everyone needs a mate like Liam in their lives . He died early, he was only twenty one. But I guess you burn bright .

I just lied there in the corner, crying and crying and crying . Liam’s gone and that’s it. The show’s over .

” Noooooo, Liam, no nooooooo, nooooo ”, Leonard cried .

What Liam’s life would have been like if he didn’t kill himself

Liam would have got a job in theatre. He would be happy, he would be healthy . He would still live with grief but he would honor his mates every once in a while . Leonard and Liam would still be seeing each other. He would be content with his life . He would have reunited with his mum for the first time in years . He would be enjoying his life . If only he didn’t kill himself . Rip Richard Jonathon Liam Neeson.

Character updates

Leonard Lewis} Faced charges after the police believed that he was the reason for his friend’s death . A few days later, they dropped the charges. Leonard finished his masters at Uni. Now he’s one of the most successful authors of today. You can find his books and he’s poetry and more of his work in libraries . He’s more then just an author, he’s one of the best .

” Eagles come and go like people in a resteraunt. They may be gone but they’ll always be around ”.

” Be more like an Eagle, shine bright, fly high ”

{ Then it shows a photo of all the gang members jumping up in the air to end the film}

End of story

{Then it ends with a recording of Liam that he recorded when he was still alive}

Liam} Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me. It’s been a wild ride . Love you all so so much, Goodbye .

Hi guys, thank you so much for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed reading the last chapter of my story . I hope you’re all having a good night. Or morning if you’re in a different country . There’s lots more to come here on Big Blog Theory. More scripts, more stories, more posts. There’s so much to look forward to . Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my story, Love you guys, bye, and stay gold .