Big Blog Theory

God Bless The Band, Mocumentary Script, Pilot, The Boys Are Back In Town

Hi guys, what you’re about to read is a new script I wrote . Well, it’s not really new, I wrote it about a year ago, but I just dished it out for you guys . A long time ago, I was talking about writing these scripts. I mentioned it on the Sparks post . It’s like a mix of Sparks, Spinal Tap and Focus. I think you’re gonna really like it. I think it’s great and it’s really funny . Just to clarify, there is some strong language in this one, so if you’re under 18, I wouldn’t recommend reading this unless your parents are okay with you doing so . That’s pretty much it, I hope you enjoy reading this script .

It’s 1971, in the early 70s. Where new wave is just coming in, people are starting to be introduced to new kinds of music. It starts with all six of the band members sitting on the staircase in a block of flats . Christian Elliot Thompson Zaffa is singing some vocals, Maxton Kinky Diamond is mimicking a base guitar, Colton Indiana Ashdown Havers is mimicking a Yamaha keyboard and is just sitting there, looking quite demented, just staring at the camera . Santiago Jefferson is mimicking playing a saxaphone, Christofsky Hindmarsh is making a beat. { While that’s going on, everyone’s making noises to go with Christian’s singing}

Christian} Benie, neine, neine, nie, nobody nobody, nobody gonna get on top of me, they see me running down the street, and I can’t take it anymore. Oh won’t you, oh won’t you just walk out that door, is this real life, is this real life ?, is that so ?. Why don’t you just leave ?, just get up and go, cause you know . This is the beginning of the cataray show . { Christofsky makes a high pitched noise to end the song introduction}

Christian} Ah yeah, that was sick, that was . I think we absolutely hammered that .

Santiago} Yeah, that was bloody brilliant, that was .

Christian} Yeah it was sick . The cataray show has been going on for the past few years, it’s basically the new norm .

Maxton} Yeah, we sort of made it up ourselves, to be honest. No one knows what it is or what it might be .

Christian} Yeah it never actually existed, it only exists in our world .

Brie} I thought we named it the cataray show because it featured cats. Where did you get all that other shit from ?, I swear . You mix things up every single time .

Christian} No it didn’t have bloody cats in it, alright ?, there’s no fucking cats, are you mad ?.

Brie} Jesus, I wonder about you sometimes, you know ?, you’re fucking mad .

Christian} Well, if I wasn’t mad, then I wouldn’t be here, doing this, so be glad, yeah ?.

Brie} Come on, man .

{ Brie starts touching Christian by putting his arms around him}

Christian} Oi no, no don’t touch me, don’t touch me, I’m fine, I’m fine, don’t touch me . { Pushing him away} { Christian calms down}

Christian} You know what, Colton, a little bit more dread could have done us some good, I told you, didn’t I ?. I said ” Make more dread ”, but you just wouldn’t listen to me, you twat .

Colton} How much do you need ?, it’s too much dread, too much .

Christian} No that’s wrong. You can never have too much dread. There’s no such thing as too much dread . The lower the note, the more dread .

Colton} According to who ?, bloody .

Christian} According to me, that’s who . I’m so sick and tired of you using less dread. You’re supposed to be using more, more .

Colton} Alright well then, how about you learn how to play the Yamaha. Then, let’s see how many notes you can master on that bloody thing . You think you know, you think you know it all, you smart cunt .

Christian} Yeah nah, I ain’t ever gonna lay a finger on that keyboard, forget about it . I don’t see why I should, there’s no point, really . You see. When you mastered the magic of music composing, then you’re all set, like you can get the notes right and you’ll be fine. But as long as you don’t have a band mate who’s gonna muck it up, the first time, then that’s where you start. We are Smoke and Mirrors and we’re gonna make the Cat and Dog your new home, because our music is gonna go right through you, it’s gonna hit you so hard, you’ll shit yourself .

Colton} Yeah exactly, and we ain’t gonna clean that shit up. Smoke and Mirrors is gonna take over your life, for good . { Christian looks at Colton like he’s mad, including all the other band members}

{ Christian talking to the camera crew at the BBC}

Christian} Excuse me, lads, are you gonna carry on filming us ?, we’ve got some work to do, so if you don’t mind . { He gets up with the rest of the band}

{ Next scene, Christian is standing inside the studio, everyone’s doing their own thing, Christian is introducing each and everyone to the directors} { Christian walks in and spins around and does a tour of the studio that they have in Maxton’s nan’s flat}

Christian} Whooo, alright guys, so this is the main studio, this is where the magic happens. This used to be his nan’s flat but she passed away .

Maxton} No, She didn’t die, she’s just living somewhere else at the moment, she moved to Essex to live with her eldest grand child .

Christian} Yeah, it’s the same thing, really . She doesn’t live here anymore, so technically, she’s dead, she’s dead to us .

Maxton} It isn’t the same thing though, isn’t it ?.

Christian} Oh shut up, will you ?. Anyway, over here, at the recording station, we have Brie Varson, he plays the sax. I’m telling you, that man can really play sax. You wanna say anything to the BBC, Brie ?, they’re here to film us for a little while. You have any words of advice ?.

{ Brie looks straight at the camera}

Brie} Don’t take another man’s saxaphone, because he will haunt you in your sleep. Mother earth will take her course .

Christian} Wow, that’s nice, isn’t it ?. Bloody loose cannon . { Then he goes somewhere else} . ” And, over here, we have Maxton, he plays base ”.

Maxton} Hiya .

Christian} Oh my bloody lord, Maxton, did you piss yourself ?, what the bloody hell ?.

Maxton} No I didn’t piss myself, I just accidently splashed some water on my track suit bottoms when I was washing my hands, earlier this morning .

Christian} Oh is it, oh alright then, well, get up then, go get changed, you filthy git, fucking pissing everywhere, bloody tatters . { Then, Maxton got up and left the room} . ” That’s Maxton, by the way, he’s a legend, he is. Doesn’t muck about on the rock guitar . He and I go way back. { He walks around} . ” And then, over here, that’s Christofsky, he’s on drums, he makes some sick beats .

Christofsky} Hello .

Christian} Did you make sure it’s all tuned on properly, I don’t want it to sound like none of this techno shit. Like, Dum Dum, I don’t like that, it’s bloody terrible .

Christofsky} No it’s tuned, I made sure it’s tuned. Looks like I’m all sorted .

Christian} Are we ?, great, that’s great . { He leaves, way before Christofsky could even talk to him, then Christofsky just looks at him like ” Are you shitting me ?”.

Christian} Oh yeah, and over here, we have Colton, he plays the keyboard, minus he also writes half the songs . { Colton doesn’t say anything, he just stares at the camera, quite menacing because of his look} ” Oh forget this, talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. He does this all the time. He’s doing fucking hyjinks . And oh yeah, and last but not least, we have Santiago Jefferson, he plays the viola, or the violin, I don’t bloody know which one, he’s Viola man, that’s who he is .  Oi Santiago, give us a smile, would ya ?. { Santiago looks at the camera and smiles but his mouth is wide}

Christian} What are you bloody doing, Santiago ?, why are you looking at me like that ?, relax, for fuck sake. Haha, wicked .

{ Colton’s read}

” Yeah, to be honest, I think the one thing that binds us together as humans is the art of music. You can never go wrong with good music, you really can’t . The right kind of music can put you in the right state of mind, and if it’s shit, then oh boy, you have a long way to go, still . You’re down there, whilst I am up here, paragliding in the summersky surfing off the coat de sur, whilst you’re down there, working part time in a chicken farm, picking up chicken shit. If you have no idea how to play the synthisizer and if you’re not adding too much dread, then what’s the point ?. It’s just gonna be some souless nursery rhyme. It’s gonna sound like ” Hurrr, we have a dog named Esmerelda, her fur was white as a swan, like what the fuck ?, what the heck ?, do you know what I mean ?. I could never write something like that. That would be an absolute tragedy, honestly. If I ever did a song like that, my father would turn in his grave. He used to be in the music indestury as well, he dealt shit in the 60s. If he ever found out that I was a part of that, he would be like ” Oh shit, what are you doing, Cole, what are you doing, son ?”. Like that’s the bare minimum, that’s the bare minimum. If Hugo ever finds out about what we have been up to, he’s gonna lose his shit . And also another thing, where is he ?. Now, that’s where Hugo steps in. Where is he ?, I have no clue . He’s probably up to something really fucking weird. He’s fucking mad, he is . I don’t even know how we met him, he’s just there .

{ Next scene, it shows their manager, his name is Hugo Whyatt Saffa Morgan and he’s cleaning up and he’s moving stuff around in his office / workshop}

Hugo} Hiya, my name is Hugo, AKA, the go getter, AKA the mayor of Hackney, AKA, the white male version of, I don’t know, some famous business man of some sort . I do actually like working with the boys, I am their manager . After working with them for three years or so, they can be a bit hard to work with, to say the least. Um, it’s not like they get themselves in trouble, but it just really seems like they know their stuff, and it’s probably best if I stay clear of all this, like let’s just stand back and let it all happen . { Then, he starts walking around and he starts doing a tour of the office}

Hugo} So, what do you think of my office, it’s nice, isn’t it ?. This right here is my office / work space, a lot of important stuff happens here in this place. Um, I actually built it myself. I’m actually one with construction. If there’s anyone who needs a house or a student accomodation, I’m your man . Actually nah, you know what, I didn’t build this place, I’m shit at house and cabin construction. I know a geezer who deals in that kind of thing, he’s called Gav, he does it all for me, haha . But yeah nah, he’s a nice lad, he is. I think he’s from Romania . hor, what a waster . Parasite, he just sits there in the back and does nothing all day . { He picks up some box he has randomly lying around on his desk and he reads the small note that’s attached to it}

Hugo} Haha, check mate . ” No business is your business, mind your own business because it’s not your business ”, sick, I came up with that idea, I’m quite proud of that, actually. Don’t really know what any of that has got to do with being a manager, but hm . Haha, win win, win win win. { Accidently drops the box on the floor} ” Ah fuck. don’t film that part, don’t fucking, no. Haha, nothing to see here, nothing to see here. Just some man picking up box. Oh dear .

{ The director asking Hugo some questions}

Director} So, how are you getting on with managing the boys, are you doing good ?.

Hugo} Yeah, I think I’m doing pretty good. It’s a lot of hard work, but that’s the whole point . How are you gonna be a successful manager if you can’t even get yourself to do a lot of hard work. Like, you get to earn money. Well it’s not just money, it’s about managing and setting these boys up for life, but you can get the monnies and still be able to work with bands . You can guess which one I’m interested in doing . { smiles and winks}. ” But yeah no, it’s all good, all good, the boys are absolute nut jobs, but it’s all good .

{ Next scene, the boys are still in the studio in Maxton’s flat and Colton is teaching Christian a specific dance move and Colton is demonstrating it}

Colton} Oi Christian, you know what ?, if you really want the fans and the women to go bat shit crazy for you, you’ve gotta do the criss cross . I’m telling you, man .

Christian} What the heck is the criss cross ?.

Colton} The criss cross is a dance move where you spin around and you do like a tap dance, like you stand on your tippy toes and you just go from there, really .

Christian} Cos, I’m being serious, you’re teaching me this stupid dance move, what even is the criss cross ?, I’ve never seen it before . Is it like some thing where you go mad ?.

Colton} Have you been living under a rock your whole life ?, this started in the 1950s. Ray Charles was swinging out this dance move, started a whole trend, he was the trend setter of the generation. He really paved the way for many artists. You’re an absolute fucker if you don’t understand this .

Christian} Where are you getting this shit from ?, how do you know that Ray Charles was doing this dance move ?, they didn’t do that in the fucking 50s, are you mad ?. You’re off your rocker, you are .

Colton} They did, trust me, I went to a concert with my cousin and he started doing it and then my cousin, yeah ?, he was there, doing it as well. If you were there, you’d know what I’m talking about. How they dance, seriously, you wouldn’t believe a person could move that fast, I’m telling you, that drive they have, puh, fucking hell .

Christian} You’re mad .

Colton} Hey, I may be mad, but at least I know the power of the criss cross. { Starts demonstrating the criss cross} ” Here we go, and step, step, step, step to the rhythem and step, go with it, go with it, and da na na na, the criss cross, criss cross, criss cross to the rhythem of the beat.

Christian} What the bloody hell ?.

Maxton} Raa, what’s wrong with Colton, like ?.

Christian} You know what, I have no idea, I really just don’t know, I wish I did, honestly . I’m losing it over here. No one even knows what he’s bloody doing .

Maxton} Colton, what are you doing ?, are you alright ?, are you having an episode ?.

Colton} No, I’m doing the criss cross, don’t you believe me ?.

Brie} No we don’t, we thought you were having a stroke .

Colton} Oh bloody hell, why do you always treat me like so crap .

Colton’s read}

” My name is Colton Indiana Ashdown Havers and I’ve got something to say . ” Christian Elliot Thompson Zaffa and the fucked up drag ”, he is bashing me like nothing before, and if I could use the criss cross to smash him left right and center, I would go in and when I say in, I mean in, like smash him whilst he’s taking a shit or something, when he’s at his weakest, cause he bloomin well deserves it ”.

Colton} Why don’t you lot treat me like a performer, cause I am a performer and you all know that, clearly .

Maxton} No, but you play the keyboard, you’re a drip, do you understand ?, you don’t do all this theatrical shit, you’re in the back round and that it’s it, you leave Christian to do all that stuff . You’re a drip .

Colton} Yes, a bloody well good one, I am . ” I’m a drip that doesn’t stop dripping, a drip that doesn’t stop dripping, I’m a drip that doesn’t stop dripping .

Christofsky} Well no, you’re a drip that doesn’t stop dancing, more like .

Christian} You know what, I actually kinda like this, to be fair .

Brie} Oh come on, Christian, not you as well, I thought you were the most civilized one .

Christian} No way ho zay. What even is civilized nowadays, everyone’s off their fucking heads . { Colton carries on dancing, when all of the sudden, Hugo enters the room and stands there, he’s so confused}

Hugo} Hoh my god. aw shit, my eyes, my eyes, bloody hell. I’ll come back again later, yeah ?. { Stands there, covering his eyes, then he tries to walk away}

Maxton} No it’s alright, Hugo, just come back, he’s only doing the criss cross, that’s all .

Hugo} I don’t care if he’s doing the criss cross, it’s the way he’s doing it, that’s what it is .

Brie} Hugo, have you ever seen Colton do the criss cross before ?.

Hugo} Yeah, you’re damn straight I have, I’ve seen him doing that dance on The Old Grey Whistle Test, that’s enough for me .

Christian} Are you gonna get the music stuff done today ?.

Maxton} We can, yeah, it’s up to you, really .

Christian} What do you mean, it’s up to me ?, it’s your flat . You bloody live here .

Maxton} I know, but you’re the main singer, aren’t you ?.

Christian} Yeah, I’m the main singer, but Hugo is the manager, so really, it’s up to him at the end of the day .

Hugo} Yeah, I guess we can squeeze something in. Yeah .

Christian} Right cool, ok so, I think we should get started, what do you reckon ?.

Christofsky} Yeah alright !!!! .

Christofsky’s read}

” This is gonna be something else. This is gonna be our second song release, because the first one turned out to be a steaming pile of shit, and so, this is our second opportunity to create something that will really blow the music indestury into smitherines. Yeah, I think this will be good, just as long as Brie doesn’t get the wrong note on his saxaphone, then it’ll be A okay . Don’t want it to sound like some sort of village music, cause you know, that would be, that would be too much, wouldn’t it ?. You know what, I don’t even know why I’m asking you this, you’re just standing there with a camera, piss off ”.

{ Next scene, Christian is doing a tour of the studio. First he introduced all the band members, now it’s time he introduced everyone to the actual studio}

Christian} Ok so, I guess it’s time I introduced you lot to our studio, so ladies and gentlemen, this is our studio, this is where all the magic happens. That over there is Maxton’s guitar, he keeps it with him at all times, because apparently, he believes in the boogey man and he thinks that this big fuck off monster is gonna come out of nowhere and steal it from him. The man’s got some strong beliefs, let me tell you that . { Then he walks over to the next part of the studio} ” And then, over here, we have Colton’s keyboard, it’s a Yama Lama Ding Dong or something like that ”.

Colton} No, it’s a Yamaha, get your facts right, bloody hell .

Christofsky} Wow, I never knew that you could buy a Yama Lama Ding Dong, it’s remarkable .

Christian} Oh shut up, Yofsky. { He walks away}

Christofsky} I’m just saying, Jesus Christ . { Christian walks over and stands near Brie’s Saxaphone, which is on a stand}

Christian} Brie, would it be alright if I filmed your saxaphone on this camera ?.

Brie} Yeah sure, go ahead, it doesn’t have legs .

Christian} And, what has that got to do with taking a look at your saxaphone, exactly ?.

Brie} I don’t bloody know, just go ahead, it’s there . Go up close if it helps .

Christian} Wow, that wasn’t hard, was it ?. You mincing fucking cunt .

Brie} Whatever Christian, just take a glimpse of the fucking saxaphone and go, your shoes are taking up all of the space .

Christian} Excuse me, these shoes cost me lots, you know ?.

Brie} Yeah well, I guess shoes don’t cost you that much, unless you work in a circus .

Christian} Hey guys, what’s this rumor about me working in a circus ?.

Maxton} That rumor has been going around for two years .

Christian} Well, if it’s been going around for two years, then how have I not heard about it ?. What is this, The Hajerfield Redemption ?, bloody hell .

Brie} No, it’s probably because it’s a rumor about you, if it’s a rumor about you, then it’s probably best if you haven’t heard it .

Christian} Oh my god, you guys are a bunch of piss takers, you know that ?.

Colton’s read}

” Ok so, if any of you don’t know about this or if you’re not sure about it in any way shape or form, I can explain, ok so basically, when Brie said that Christian’s shoes were taking up half the space and then he was saying that his shoes looked like the shoes from the circus, he was refering to the time where Christian got a job at the circus. Now mind you, this was before he got into this band. It’s hilarious, you know. How can you not laugh at that ?, I mean, I probably shouldn’t, because Christian is my best mate, but . { He starts laughing} . ” Ah, Gordon Benett. If you don’t know what happened to Christian’s job at the circus, basically, his job was at an abrupt start. He got on with half of the paticipants, but then he got sacked because he got caught trying to hypnotize an elephant . Yeah I know, it even disturbs me . You’d think he would have gotten a job as a lion tamer, but I guess not . I don’t even know how I even found out about this, I think I had a personal friend of mine who was friends with him back in Christian’s old school. He told me and from then on, I just couldn’t stop laughing . I’m laughing now, even, I still haven’t stopped, not much has changed since then, except I look more underweight . But yeah, I couldn’t stop laughing. I had to put a halloween mask on, like the one with the flairs, like fucking leather face . I had to do that because I just couldn’t hide the pain, the pain of laughing too much . It just looks like Christian is getting too big for his boots . { Starts giggling even more}

” I really do hope that he’s not watching this, he’ll be hanging off my every word. Every breath I take, every move I make, every step I take, he’s fucking watching me. It better not be. If you haven’t heard from me in the next few days, I want you to call the police . There are too many big shoes to fill, I hope he knows that . Don’t let him fucking see this ” .

Next scene, Christian is having a go at Brie}

Christian} That was like ten years ago, I was like bloody 18 years old at the time. Why are you bringing this up now ?.

Brie} It’s because it’s funny, that’s why . Anyway, it did happen, you can’t erase the past . It’s not my fault you was in a circus . I mean, this is like a fever dream . What did you even do there anyway ?.

Christian} I juggled plastic balls and I pranced around, what else would you do in the circus ?, Loitering ?.

Colton} Well yeah, you get payed to torture animals, that’s not a dream job. That’s bloody awful . Fuck that. Do you know what I mean ?.

Christian} Yeah well, tell that to the people who failed me .

Maxton} Oh come on, you’re not gonna cry, are you ?.

Christian} No I’m not, okay .

Colton} Christian, it’s fine, we all have sob stories, it’s what makes us who we are, every one has some kind of a story, but you working in a circus is just not it .

Christian} I know, Colton, I know it isn’t, I never said it was .

Colton} Yeah I know, but it really isn’t though .

Christian} Thank you, Colton, you truly made it, well done . { Sarcastically}

Christofsky} What did you even do at the circus, that made your boss wanna sack you ?.

Christian} Well, I was kind of sick, that day, and um, I didn’t have much to do, so I uh, I hypnotized an elephant .

Maxton} An Elephant ?, why on earth would there be an elephant at a circus ?.

Colton} Well, it’s stunt animals, innit ?. They basically force the elephants to do tricks, all the while, humans do back flips and trapeze and other mad shit on high ropes. Yeah I know, I’m surprised it’s still going on, it should have been made illegal five years ago, but it’s not, so, here we are .

Maxton} Uh guys, are we just gonna sit around and moan and groan about being in a circus and getting a restraining order or are we gonna get down to some music composing ?.

Christian} You know what, good idea, come on lads, to the recording studio . { They walk up to the recording part of the studio} ” Maxton, don’t fucking step on my foot, otherwise I’d do you in . Shoes !!!!! .

{ Next scene, all the boys are standing in the studio, Christian is standing in the podcast and the recording part of the studio, all the other band members are sitting down on chairs}

Christian} Right ok, so I have had a few ideas, I was thinking, you know, for the song, I was thinking maybe, we could do like an evangelical effect .

Santiago} What exactly do you mean by Evangelical, Christian ?.

Christian} Well you know, maybe like a phycadelic track .

Colton} What, like church ?.

Christian} No not church, definetely not church .

Colton} By church, do you mean like gospel ?.

Christian} Nooooo .

Colton} Oh, that would be fantastic, that would . It would be all halos and angels singing their carols and jingles, like jingle jingle jingle . Yeah wicked .

Christian} No, not like that, wait a minute, carols ?, did you just say carols ?.

Colton} Yeah like carols, wicked, man . Like all floating around, going ” La la la la la, haaaaaah, holy holy holy ”. { In a high pitched voice}

Santiago} Holy shit .

Christian} Shut up, Colton, we’re not doing bloody gospel, alright ?. { Shouts}

{ Silence}

Colton} Ohh, oh my lord, I can’t believe it, Christian’s got a serious problem with gospel, bloody hell .

Christian} I don’t have a problem with gospel, alright, I’m allowed to not like something .

Maxton} You know what, actually, I’m glad that we’re not doing gospels and choirs, that would be bloody shit .

Christian} Thank you, Maxton, I’m glad you understand. Does anyone else have any ideas for songs ?.

Colton} Uh yeah, I’ve got an idea. How about we do a song about this man who keeps bashing gospels and choirs, and that man goes by the name of Christian Elliot Thompson Zaffa .

Christian} Excuse me ?, the fuck, Colton ?.

Colton} Yes, you like it, I already have all the lyrics written down here, I’m ready to give it a bloody well good shot .

Maxton} Go on, Cos Cos, show us what you got . { Colton pushes Christian out of the way and he stands in the recording area of the studio and clears his throat and starts singing} ” Ok now, where were we ?, oh yeah, here we go ”.

Brie} This is gonna be hilarious .

Maxton} This is gonna be bloody shit . { Colton starts singing}

Colton} Christian Elliot Thompson Zaffa is crud, he’s crud. yeah he’s crud. bloody dreg, he’s always late, he’s done, mate. I saw him yesterday at the chip shop, buying a haddock and a portion of chips, he wears a stupid fucking jacket and he used to be in a circus, and oh yeah, he hates gospel choirs and church. Yeahhhhhh, yeahhh .

Christian} Alright, that’s enough, Colton, go and sit down . { Colton goes to sit down and he talks to Maxton}

Colton} I was good, wasn’t I ?, I nailed it, nailed the song .

Christian} Ok, Colton’s idea was far from good, in fact, it was bloody terrible. Does anyone else have anything they’d like to share ?. Santiago, do you have any song ideas ?.

Santiago} Uh yeah, how about we do a song about delusion, about first dates, meeting that special someone at some museum, man’s lost in her eyes, you want her so badly, but then you find out that she’s a bloody deer statue .

Christian} And when does that ever happen in real life ?.

Santiago} All the time, all the time . It even happened to me, once, just happened out of nowhere, it wasn’t at a museum though. Coincidences, coincidences .

Christian} That’s actually a pretty good idea, actually. Do you have any idea how it’s gonna go, like note wise ?.

Santiago} Uh yeah, I was thinking maybe something like, C C D I D D D, so there’s that, and then the first verse is gonna go ” Haaaa, I’m in a trance, the colours are sprouting around me, like diamonds in the sky. Colours are red, pink and blue, then I see this girl, I think ” Who the hell are you ?”. { Then Christian starts singing in a high pitched voice}

Christian} I’m in a trance, like colours are strouting around me like diamonds in the sky, colours are red, pink and blue, then I see this girl, I think ” Who the hell are you ?”, it’s all an optical illusion, illusion, yeahhh, and I’m feeling fine .

Colton} Noooo, stop . { stands there With his hands on his head, absolutely horrified}

Christian} Nobody nobody !!!, nobody’s gonna bring me down, cause I met this girl in the street, yeah in the street .

Maxton} It’s not in the street, it’s in a bloody museum !!! .

Colton} Ok, enough enough, Christian, stop, turn it off, turn the bleeding thing off, just turn it off . { Christian stops singing and he takes his head phones off}

Christian} Whooo, that was great, wasn’t it ?.

{ Silence}

Colton} I have a question, all though maybe all of you might know it already, but I’ll say it anyway. ” What the fuck ?”.

Colton’s read}

” I don’t know what the hell happened, I thought that Christian would have been sensible about it, but turns out, no. All I know is that we are not gonna use that idea for the song, cause if we did, I’d run a mile, honestly, I would, and who would be responsible for that ?, Christian, bloody Christian ”.

{Next scene, they start dreaming up ideas and titles for one of their new albums}

Christian} Right so, three titles for an album, go .

Santiago} Right so, I’ve got an idea, you’re gonna love this. Antonio Graceffa’s Day Off .

Christian} Who the bloody hell is Antonio Graceffa’s Vah ?.

Santiago} He’s some man, some paticuliar man, don’t know who he is just yet, but he’s a mystery. He is the type of man who everyone doesn’t yet know but would like to know, he’s like the demolish man of the universe .

Christian} But I don’t even know who that is, who is he ?. Does he even exist ?.

Santiago} He doesn’t have to exist, it’s just a phase, it’s like a bloody shadow . Antonio Graceffa man is a shadow .

Christian} My god .

Colton} I don’t know about you, but this Antonio Graceffa geezer sounds cool .

Christian} Why would he be cool, how do you know he’s cool ?, how do you know, exactly ?. As far as I know, he could be, he could be an alchoholic pest .

Colton} So not true, you should never judge a person by his name. You never know, he might be alright . He could be a rockabilly hero or something .

Christian} Yeah, I’ve got the picture, it’s nice and clear, he’s definetely one of those . Cult favourite, rockabilly hero, alchoholic pest . Colton, you’re a fucking genius . Do you know that ?.

Brie} Hey guys, you know what ?, I’ve got a great idea .

Maxton} Ok, that’s absolutely fine, Brie, whatever it is, I’m quite invested in this, as long as it’s not nothing to do with Rockabilly hero or alchoholic pest, then that’s fine .

Brie} Right ok well, we all know how historical films are really successful in the film indestury, like do you remember The Good, The Bad And The Ugly ?.

Christian} Yeah, I remember that film, it was wicked . Set in the desert, innit ?.

Brie} Yeah exactly, it was a great film .

Maxton} Yeah, it was a great film, but what do your film preferences have to do with our music though ?.

Brie} Well you know, for the music video, we can do like a wild west theme .

Christian} You want to do a wild west theme ?.

Brie} Well yeah, it’s the only thing I can think of .

Christian} A song about the wild west ?. Are you sure ?.

Brie} Yeah, do you have a better idea ?.

Christian} Well yeah, actually, I was, I was thinking that maybe we can base a song on losing your insanity .

Maxtonb} How the bloody hell are we gonna write a song about losing your insanity ?.

Christian} Anything is possible, Maxton. Think about it, this song would be relevant and it would still hold up in the next ten years .

Maxton} But why would you wanna do a song about some mad man ?.

Christian} Because, some people can relate to it. Not everyone on this planet has their head screwed on. This would be a brilliant idea. Plus, if we create something like this, then the record label would be on our case. I could just see imagine it now. And also, Colton would be great for writing the song. He goes mad on a daily basis, so this is perfect for him .

Colton} No, leave me out of this, why would I want to get involved in something that’s a complete and utter injustice .

Christian} Well, I can’t write, that’s for sure, I can’t write for fucking shit. Someone has to do it. Maxton can’t do it, he’s too busy strumming a few strings on his guitar .

Maxton} Yes I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way . { He lifts his arms up}

Christian} There’s only one person who can do this. Colton Indiana Ashdown bloody Havers .

Colton} No I’m not doing it, Christian. This is a total tragedy. I’m not writing a song about a man getting admitted to a mental asylum . Get someone else to do it, alright ?.

Christian} Oh come on, Colton, we need to do this, I don’t wanna have to go with Optical Illusion, that song’s shit . The song about a man who’s falling in love with Athena or Aphrodite, like come on . People are gonna think we’re bloody deluded .

Christofsky} We’re not fucking deluded, not deluded. Don’t say that, it will ruin our image .

Santiago} Who cares about image anyway ?, it’s pretty much fucked up anyway, no one knows what it is anymore, it’s just a shit show .

Christian} Come on, do it for us, do it for them. Look at them, they’re bloody going mad over here . { Colton sighs}

Colton} Alright fine, I’ll do it, but only for today .

Christian} Yessss, thank you so much, Colton, you’re a real gem, you know that ?.

Colton} I know . When would you like me to get started on this thing then ?, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday ?.

Christian} Would it be okay if you can get it done, this following week ?, is that alright ?, sure it’s a bit of a time stretch, but .

Colton} Yeah nah cool, I’ll get this done as quick as possible.

Christian} Wicked, great . You see that, Maxton. I told you that Colton would agree to this in the end .

Maxton} Yeah, I’m still not happy with Colton, he took the piss out of the optical illusion track .

Christian} Yeah I know, but let’s be honest, that idea was quite shit. We thought of something better. Let’s just give Colton some time to put it into action .

Maxton} Okay . { They walk out of the room} ” This better be good ”.

{ A few minutes later, Colton is in a seperate room, writing and planning out a song and writing down a few ideas}

Christian’s read}

” Ok, so we have some good news. Colton is having a good start on the production of the new song, but the only thing is that we don’t know what he’ll come up with. Would it be a song about a geezer going mad or will it be about a man who befriended an alien in space ?. We’ll soon find out” .

{ Meanwhile, Christian goes to find Colton}

Christian} Oi Colton, we’re just gonna quickly pop out to the shops real quick, do you want anything ?.

Colton} Uh yeah, can you get a coke, please ?.

Christian} A coke ?, ok sure thing. Ok bye, man, we won’t be long .

Colton} See ya . { Christian walks out of the room and Colton carries on writing}

{ Next scene, Christian walks down the stairs with the rest of the band}

Christian} Nah man, we need to go to Desler. We need to get those little peanuts in that foiled packet. But then, you find a bite taken out of it. Fucking twunglers .

Maxton} Yes I know Chris, we’ll get there, it’s only a five minute walk from here .

Chrisofsky} Have you guys heard, have you heard ?, they charge you two pounds fifty for a packet of crisps. Absolutely rip off, shambles .

Brie} Did any of you see what Colton was up to ?.

Santiago} Yeah I did, Christian did as well. It just seems like he’s just lost in his writing . It’s just best to leave him to it, I think .

{ Meanwhile, while the boys are out, picking up a few bits and pieces at the nearest corner shop. Colton is still writing the lyrics for the song}

{ Colton mumbles to himself whilst thinking of how the song is gonna go, plus, he’s talking to himself}

Colton} Hm hm, losing your mind, until you’re whirling in a trance, just like everyone else. Just like everyone else ?, what rhymes with else ?. Shelf ?. No that’s just shit, um. What if I use, what if I, um, ughhh, this wasn’t as easy as I thought . Oh, this is horse shit . How am I supposed to write a song in this bloody facility ?. I mean, I usually write songs in my apartment, but not like this . Oh it’s no use. I can’t write a song whilst hearing these stupid radiator sounds going on in a loop . You know what this calls for ?, some music . It’s time to face the music . This will help me get it done, once and for all . { He finds a record and puts it on the record player} ” Joy To The World starts playing}

Colton} Nah, this is shit. It’s a totally different song, this isn’t mine, I think it might be Christian’s, he stays here sometimes, he might have just put it in here when I wasn’t looking . This isn’t it, hold on, just bare with me, bare with me, we all know this isn’t bloody Marc Bolan . { Then, he puts a different record in} { Hot Love by T Rex starts playing}

Colton} Yeahhhhh, there we go, tune . { He starts dancing, jumping around the room, dancing like an absolute maniac}

{ Meanwhile, the boys are in Desler, which is a corner shop they sometimes go in. They are walking around, looking at the stuff they have on sale. Christian is wondering what Colton is doing}

Christian} Oi Maxton, I wonder how Colton’s getting on, I hope he’s doing alright. The geezer’s up to all kinds of mad shit .

Maxton} Don’t worry about it, Christian, he’s absolutely fine . He’s just writing the song. What else would be doing in this moment in time ?. Just let him get on with it.

Christian} Yeah, I guess you’re right .

Brie} Hey Santiago, have you seen these beef burgers, they’re ginormous . { Shouts}

Santiago] Yeah, they’re the exact same size as normal burgers, except they’re stored in tin cans .

Brie} Good point .

Christian} Bloody hell, what’s he doing here ?.

Maxton] What do you mean, who, that geezer over there ?.

Christian} Yeah him, that geezer, why is he there ?.

Maxton} What do you mean, that’s the owner of the shop .

Christian} Oh is he ?, doesn’t look like one .

Maxton} What’s your idea of a shop owner ?. What do you think shop owners look like ?.

Christian} I don’t know, they usually wear like massive polo shirts and baggy trousers . They don’t wear flairs and spats, do they ?. { Maxton face palms}

Maxton} My god, bloody hell .

Christian} This geezer better be having a Turkish, I’ll make him shit himself, I swear to god . Fucking delveesh .

Maxton} Oh leave it out, Christian . You’re not gonna start a fight in a shop. What are you gonna fight the shop owner with, an aztec bar ?.

Christian} No, I’m gonna use words, and maybe, if it’s not enough, I’ll give him a ruddy good punch on the nose .

Maxton} You’re gonna punch him ?.

Christian} Yes yes, that’s right, yes .

Maxton} What did the shop owner do to you ?.

Christian} Nothing . I just don’t want him to look at me whilst I look into purchasing a tin of beef burgers .

Maxton} Oh my god, help me please, help me . { Face palms}

{ Meanwhile, Colton’s still dancing}

Colton} Ahh, that was fun, I should do it again tomorrow, maybe . I wanna do it again, but I think I’d better get started on the new song. { He sits back down} ” Ah, now, let’s see what you got. { He picks up the pen and starts writing} { A whole montage begins. { There’s like some editing, like the band members are running around, doing their thing and causing havvock. { Hot Love by T Rex plays in the backround}

{ Meanwhile, Christian is walking around the shop, just being an idiot}

Christian} Hey you ?. { Gets the attention of the shop owner}

Owner} What, me ?.

Christian} Yes you, who are you ?.

Owner} I am Yu .

Christian} Huh ?.

Owner} I am Yu .

Christian} No sir, I am me, you are you .

Owner} No but I am you .

Christian} What’s your name ?.

Owner} Hanz .

Christian} Ok listen, Hanz man, alright ?. Me and my mates are here to pick up a few bits and pieces, you’re not here to waste our time telling us that you’re me .

Owner} You’re gonna pay for that, sir ?.

Christian} Are you having a Turkish ?.

Owner} No I’m not Turkish, I’m Greek .

Christian} I never said that you were Turkish, you cultral appropriate git . Who the hell speaks French ?.

Owner} Look, do you want this Aztec bar or not ?.

Christian} Yes, of course I want the aztec bar, why am I here then ?. It’s fucking aztec bar, innit ?.

Owner} Alright, keep your hair on . { The owner scans the chocolate bar and puts it in the bag}

Christian} How much do you want for it then ?.

Owner} It’s two quid for the Aztec bar, you got two quid ?. { Christian puts on a high pitched voice accidently}

Christian} What ? !!!! . No fucking way, no fucking way, you skank . fuck off .

Owner} You need two quid for the Aztec bar, you got two quid ?. I can’t take any less then that, I’m afraid, it’s either two quid or nothing .

Christian} I haven’t got, man, I’m skint .

Owner} Right so, you come into my shop with nothing. How are you gonna buy this then ?, it’s not all magic, you know ?. If you need pocket money, you have to work for it .

Christian] Right well, me and my mates are both in the music indestury, so .

Owner} Oh yeah ?, and how’s that going for ya ?.

Christian} Well, it’s early days .

Owner} Look man, you got two quid or not ?.

Christian} For the last time, I haven’t got two quid, but actually, come to think of it, my mate might have something on him, I’ll go ask him . I won’t keep you waiting . { Then, he goes to find Brie, hoping that he might have some money on him}

{ Next scene, Brie is standing there}

Brie} You want two quid ?.

Christian} Yes, you have any ?.

Brie} No, I don’t have two quid, I only have one pound .

Christian} That should do, innit ?.

Brie} Well, it’s still not enough, we still need one pound more . Does anyone else have any change ?.

Christian} Santiago might, just give me a second . { Then, Santiago comes running out of a room in terror}

Santiago} Oh bloody hell, what room was that that ?. It was all dark and shit, and it smells .

Owner} Oh yeah, that’s where I take a shit. I did tell you not to go in there, did I ?.

Santiago} Yeah yeah yeah whatever, let’s just get out of this bloody place, it stinks .

Christian} Oi Santiago, I was just looking for ya, um, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you .

Santiago} What is it, Chris ?.

Christian} Do you have any spare change ?. The Aztec bar is like two quid and we are one pound short. Do you have anything to add onto it ?.

Santiago} Uh yeah, I think I might have. { Then, he checks his wallet and it’s just full of one pees} ” Ah shit, nah nothing, I’m sorry man, I just seem to have loads of one pees in my wallet .

Christian} Ok, do you know what, don’t worry about it. I don’t like Aztec bars anyway. The advert put me off, made me feel sick .

Brie} Hey guys, surely there’s another way to find money . Have you checked the streets ?.

Christian} If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, then no, we are not searching the streets for one pound coins. That’s just shit. You don’t find anything .

Brie} No, I’ve got an even better idea. Come on, follow me . { A few minutes later, Brie is chasing people on the street to try and mug them to see if they have any money. So, the boys are running down the street, causing mayhem}

Brie} Ahhhhh, give me your money, where’s my fucking money. I’m gonna go ape shit .

Christian} Brie, this is probably your worst idea yet. Why couldn’t you just ask if Christofsky had any. Would have saved half the faf .

Brie} You know what, good idea . { They move away from all the strangers}

Christian} Sorry, sorry everybody, triads, there was a man with a knife . { They go back in the shop} { Christofsky goes through his wallet and takes out two quid}

Christofsky} Here we are, one quid, two quid. See, it wasn’t that hard, was it ?. You guys just needed to ask . I would have given it to you .

Christian} Yeah cheers mate, thanks for stepping in, it was very much needed. Especially after what happened just now.

Maxton} Here you go, sir . Two quid . Sorry for the inconvenience, it’s just, they have never been here before, they are new .

Christian} Yeah that’s true, we are new here . I really like what you did with those cannopees. They really set the scene. It brings a bit of life . { Then, it focuses on the massive cannopees that are hanging down from the ceiling, they look ragedy and old, they have smudges all over them}

Maxton} Yeah, looks like some sort of disco rope, it’s really really cool .

{ Christian’s read}

” Haha, have you seen those cannopees ?, puh, they look old as shit. It looks like an emu took a massive dump all over them . It made me feel a bit sick, actually . I do hope that he gets rid of them, sooner or later, cause man’s not getting any customers in his shop ”.

Owner} Um excuse me, you lot, I have haggled the price down to three quid .

Christian} Why you do that ?.

Owner} I’m sorry but, I’m afraid it’s three quid now. It’s just store policy .

Maxton} Oh my god, what a skank. I told you, we should have went to the shop down Albion Road, not here, you donkey .

Christian} Yeah well, we had to do something, didn’t we ?, bloody hell. If Colton was here, he would have given you a damn good thrashing .

Owner} Who is Colton ?, is he the man on the telly, the one who holds a banana in his left hand ?.

Christian} What ?. no no no no, it’s someone else. Colton is a mate of mine, we do music together .  But he’s not here, you see, he’s at home. He had to take care of something .

Maxton} Yeah, he plays the uh, what’s it called again, the Yama something .

Brie} The Yamaha .

Maxton} Oh that’s it, yeah, the Yamaha .

Santiago} He’s a nut case, a real wild child .

Christian} That’s Colton, that’s my best mate. He plays a mean piece of music. The more dread, the better .

Christofsky} Yeah, even once, he broke one of his fingers whilst performing .

Santiago} Yeah, he’s on it, day and night. Doesn’t leave it alone . I’m like ” Colton, mate, just stop it, you’re gonna tire yoursef out ”. It’s bloody insane .

Owner} Wow, your friend must really know how to play the keyboard .

Christian} Hm, he does . Each and everyone of us, we really know our shit . We don’t stand fo any of that pop dance stuff .

Owner} How do you feel about Beethoven and Mozart ?, did they ever have an influence on you lot ?.

Christian} Oh, they are wonderful people .

Owner} Really ?.

Christian} Yes, they really turn us on .

Owner} Yes, I suppose they turn other people on .

Christian} That’s just theatre shit . { Mumbles}

Owner} What was that ?.

Christian} Nothing, a rude word. Next question .

Owner} No no, what was the rude word ?.

Christian} Shit .

Owner} Really ?, good heavens. Do mind your language. Potty mouth, that’s what you are .

Christian} Oh alright, old man, it comes off as a surprise to you .

Maxton} A bit like your dad, ain’t he, this geezer ?. { They all laugh}

Santiago} Not like my dad, he ain’t like that at all. He’d do you in, he would .

Christian} Look, whatever it is, yeah, we’re not here to muck about, we’re Smoke And Mirrors, shut your mouth and open your fucking ears, oh sorry, rude word . { He rolls his eyes and kisses his teeth}

{ Silence}

Maxton} But yeah, who knows, maybe, we could hire you to play in the band. At the moment, we’re looking for someone who can play the tamberine. Do you think you can do that ?.

Christian} Nah man, the tamberine ?, fucking hell .

Maxton} Christian, shush . What do you reckon ?.

Owner} Oh I’m not sure about that, are you joking ?. I can’t play the tamberine to save me life. I’m shit . I can completely muck it up, I’ll end up distributing you lot .

Christofsky} Oh well, try and see if you can have some lessons and when you’ve had a think about it, give us a call .

Owner} Haha, absolutely . { He and the boys start laughing. { Then he stops} ” Where’s the three quid ?.

Santiago} Oi, listen here, you plonker. We have two quid. We would like to pay it up front. We don’t have anything else. This is all we’ve got . Alright, Shut up .

Owner} But it’s not three quid though, it’s two .

Christian} Yeah that’s kinda the whole point. We’re not giving you three quid .

Owner} Yes but I need three quid .

Christian} There’s an English saying, yeah, money is money, money is money, brother .

Owner} Yes, I know that, money is money, it’s just not enough, that’s all .

Maxton} Yeah well, you can take it and you can shove it where the sun don’t shine .

Owner} Yeah well, you can shove it up your arse, I don’t want it after that . You can keep it .

Christian} Money is money . See, two pounds, two fucking pounds, it’s money. Money is money, rah . { He slams the money on the counter, aggressivly}

Owner} Get out of my shop, please, all of you. Oh, and don’t let the door kick your arse on the way out .

Christian} It’s my door .

Owner} Tell your mate that there’s no coke, alright ?.

Maxton} Yes I will, bloody plonker .

Owner} All of you are having a Turkish today .

Christian} Am I Turkish ?.

Christofsky} Christian, calm down, will you ?.

Christian} No, he just said I was fucking Turkish. Fucking Mundrah. { Some woman looks at him} ” Well, don’t fucking look at me, I don’t know ” { He runs off}

Christian} Bloody shop owner, bloody idiots, I’m gonna burn the shop, I’m gonna burn the shop, I’m gonna go and burn the bloody shop .

Maxton} Christian, calm down. It’s only an Aztec bar, don’t take it too seriously .

Christian} It’s not just a chocolate bar, I’ve heard that if you don’t eat them, then those things come to your house. They said it in the advert . Bloody mad, that thing .

Santiago} They don’t do that, are you mad ?.

Christian} Ah hahaha, very funny, Santiago .

Brie} I don’t even know why you like that thing so much, it’s terrible . It gives you really bad diarrea, it goes on for about four days straight . Disgusting .

Santiago}  How are we gonna get home from here ?.

Christian} I don’t know, we’ll probably get a cab or something .

Christofsky} I think we should get going. It’s getting late .

Maxton} Yeah good idea. { A few minutes later, they return back at Maxton’s place}

Christian} Hi Colton .

Colton} Oh hi, you lot, where have you been, you’ve been for ages .

Maxton} Yeah well, today was bloody mad .

Brie} Yeah, we went to the shop and there was a massive stitch up .

Christofsky} Yeah, it was crazy .

Colton} Oh wow, oh hey, did you get my drink ?.

Christian} Nah, they didn’t have any . We were so wrapped up in everything else, we totally forget to ask the geezer. Sorry, man . Next time .

Colton} It’s alright, don’t worry about it. Hey guys, I’ve got something that would cheer you up. I wrote the song . { Christian lacks up and he’s happy again}

Christian} You did it ?, no way, no fucking way .

Colton} Yes way, I got it right here. All from the help of good music. It seems that all we need now is a quick run through, just to check if there’s no spelling errors or typos .

Christian} Who needs a quick run through ?, why don’t we just do it now ?.

Santiago} Yeah, we’re on a roll, why don’t we do it, right here, right now. What are we waiting for, let’s do this bloody thing, whooo .

Colton} We finally got it over with, finally, after all this time .

Christian} Yeah, I knew you would do it .

Maxton} Yeah heh, the boys are back in town. { They all jump up and there’s a freeze frame}

Christian’s read}

” Wow, what a day . First of all, we got started on the music composing, then we all popped out to the shops, there was a lot of confusion. I almost got in a scrap with the shop owner and we left the shop, empty handed, so that was dreadful, but then, Colton managed to write a new song, it’s called Mr Mania. Looks like the boys are back in town . { Then he gets up}

{End of mocumentary script}

A Bunch Of Geezers Doing Band Practice Script No 2

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{ Everyone’s sitting down, ready to do band practice}

Derrick} Bloody hell, look at the weather, it’s miserable. I wouldn’t wanna walk in that shit, I’m telling you. It’s pissing out there. Should have carried a brollie with me, what are the chances of that happening, ay ?, another one bites the dust .

Mick} What is this place, man, looks like a bloody church, I can’t fathom the fact that this geezer lives here .

Eddie} Oh don’t worry about it, he won’t be here for long, something’s gonna set him off and then he’s gonna flip out and then he’s gonna get sectioned, he’ll be today but he won’t be here tomorrow, mark my words .

Rick} Hey, have any of you seen John, lately ?.

Terry} Nah, I haven’t seen him. He should be here by now, I don’t know where he is .

Derrick} I garantee you, yeah, he’s done to Soho and he’s had a few drinks and he’s fucked off with some woman and started a family in Trafalger Square. Or even worse, he’s drunk and he ain’t coming back . He’s probably retired by now. People like singing for five minutes then they have enough, they go into like retail and shit like that . I garantee you, he’s gonna turn up and walk through that door and he’s not gonna remember your name .

Mick} Nah, you’re letting your imagination run wild a little bit. My theory, he’s probably just late, he’s never in on time. Name a time where he came in early, I’ll wait . Oh wait a minute, oh that’s right, yeah, he’s never early, he’s always late, he’s a lazy bastard . { Then, John comes in, walking through the door and he seems to be acting rather strange}

Derrick} Oh, here he is, the banshee from the asylum verse . Why didn’t you come in on time ?, huh ?, you lazy git . This isn’t Five Nights At Fuck Off.

Eddie} Alright John, how’s it going ?, you alright, yeah ?.

John} Oh god, yeah I’m fine. Hor, bloody hell, when did the English learn how to start drinking like that, Jesus .

Mick} Where have you been ?. We had to keep an eye on your microphone while you were gone . That geezer who owns this place said ” Well, you can’t have a band without a vocalist, a band is not a band without a singer ”, he just kept talking a lot of shit. Is that what he’s like on a daily basis, cause if he is, then I pity his wife, por .

Terry} What were you even up to, last night ?, you look terrible, man . You’re like a fucking zombie .

John} I went pub, innit, my mrs was driving me nuts, last night, she was constantly banging on about how much Tescos charge you for a loaf of Hovis bread, she was like ” They pay you how much for a loaf of bread ?, 3 £ 50, Jesus Christ, I’m leaving the UK, I’m absolutely vexxed about this ”, that’s the only thing she was talking about all night long, I feel like I’m going mad sometimes, I’m telling ya. Drinking and going to the pub is a huge stress reliever for me, I can get away from my mrs, for free as well, 100 % garantee .

Rick} Ah well, that’s nice, isn’t it ?. Very healthy relationship, you’re in deep shit every day. I’m glad everything’s going well for you, you found yourself a woman and now she talks about bread .

John} Hm. So, how have you been getting on, writing any new songs ?.

Eddie} Well um, I’m glad you said that, because we were just discussing a new album. It took us quite a bit of time, obviously .

Derrick} Well yeah, because albums and songs take quite a bit of time to do, how the hell can you write a song in a space of about 10 minutes, it takes time, you know, I mean, I don’t write songs, I play the drums, I don’t write songs, Mick does, and he’s fucking shit .

Mick} Oi oi, I may be shit, alright ?, but at least I do it. I keep the business afloat. You don’t do anything but bang the drums, I’m honestly surprised that the man who lives here doesn’t go mad or anything, cause all you hear are drums, and maybe a bit of John’s hypnotic vocals, but mainly, you just hear drums, all night, every single day .

Terry} Alright, when are we actually gonna do band practice, cause at the moment, we’re just wasting time, talking about John’s Phychotic love life. Michael is gonna think that we’re fucking demented .

Rick} We are bloody demented .

John} What song are we gonna do anyway, there’s like bloody hundreds of them .

Eddie} John, this is music, we’re not doing a cover of Hey Jude by The Beatles, we’re not getting Yoko Ono to cover a Beatles song, we’re doing proper music here, you know, if you didn’t know how to do it, whatever, but when it comes to the fucking music indestury, you have to do it right, no fucking around. We have to show everyone that we’re not shitters, we have to show them that we can actually make music and play instruments .

Derrick} Amen to that then. I’m gonna fucking, I’m gonna shred the drums then, none of that soft gentle shit, I’m gonna smash the place up. Give me the axe, Mick, pass me the axe, please mate .

John} No no, we’re not smashing the place up, alright ?, don’t give him the axe, whatever you do, don’t give him the axe, he’s gonna wreck the sitting room and Michael’s gonne kill us, ok, don’t even think about picking up that axe. If you do, I’m gonna do you in, my son .

Eddie} Don’t bloody look at me, I’m nowhere near the axe, why are you acting like I’ve got hands. I’m like right down here and that thing is like right down there .

Terry} Why is there an axe in here, anyway ?. If it’s got something to do with house construction, then it’s fine, but if it’s for other reasons, then Jesus, this geezer must be demented .

Mick} It must be how he greets people. You know, when someone knocks on the door, he just stands there with an axe, like hello, Ahhhhhh, that’s exactly what he does, I do not wanna be behind that door, if that’s the case, if I ever met a geezer like Michael, I’d run a mile .

Derrick} Hey John, I just did a beat on the drums, it’s sick, man, look, just tell me what you think,, yeah ?.

John} Oh bloody hell. Right okay, show me then . { Derrick bangs the drums}

Mick} Ahhh, stop that bloody racket, man, you just bust my ear drums. { Then Derrick stops}

Eddie} What the bloody hell was that ?.

Derrick} Music, that’s what it is .

John} Oh that was brilliant, that is, that was music to my ears. You never fail to impress, Derrick .

Rick} Are you being sarcastic ?.

John} What do you think ?.

Rick} You know what, I think you generally hated it and you’re happy because you’re in pain . There was so reverb there, that’s just shite .

Derrick} Look mate, I’d smash your face in with this tin drum, then we’ll get some reverb and sound .

Rick} That’s not what drums are for though, drums are for music, not violence, why are you bloody threatening me with a drum ?.

Derrick} Because I can .

John} Jesus. Is this some sort of a dream ?. Am I dreaming ?, cause this does not feel like real life. I must be dreaming, Derrick’s about to whack Rick over the bonce with a tin drum .

Eddie} No, no, no one’s whacking anyone, alright ?, Derrick, sit down, mate. Rick, you as well .

Rick} Alright, sorry . { He sits down}

Mick} What are we bloody doing though, man, we’re supposed to be doing music, not a punch up. Now, Eddie, pick up your base, start playing, alright ?.

Eddie} Whatever man, I’m just looking forward to going home, I need my cup of tea, I’m starting to get a head ache. Alright lads, where are we ?.

John} Right ok, so we start with a D minor, so D, D, D D D, then we go for a A, C C C, D C, and that’s Mick’s part, then for Derrick, he just bang the drums, same as usual. Eddie, same goes for you, alright ?.

Eddie} Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it ?, same goes for me, how the hell am I supposed to know what my notes are ?.

Rick} And I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do, still .

John} Rick, mate, just do what we discussed earlier, alright, like I said, just wing it, just press any key, okay ?, okay, I think that’s pretty much it, I think we’re ready to start, what do you reckon ?.

Mick} Yeah I think so .

John} Okay. 1 2 3 4. { Everyone starts playing} { Creating a racket}

John} No no no no,  stop, everyone stop what you’re doing, right now, stop what you’re doing . Fucking hell .

Eddie} What, is there a problem, John ?, why have we stopped ?.

John} What were you bloody doing ?, what was that ?. Urgh, Mick, what was that sound coming out of that guitar, sounded like death, and Eddie, you as well, your guitar sounded like hell itself, and Rick, what keys were you pressing ?, it sounded like Techno bloody death respawn. And Derrick, you’re alright .

Rick} Wow, wow Derrick, wow. We’re all bleeding to death and you’re alright, wow, unbelievable . Bravo, fucking bravo .

John} That sounded terrible, man, how did you get like that ?, I swear, we were fine, yesterday . That was shit .

Mick} Why was it shit ?, John, why was it shit ?.

John} It was shit, it sounded like if you were to take a shit in a fucking alleyway. If the record label found out that we make this kind of music, they’re gonna kick us out, they’re gonna think that we’re shitters .

Mick} Right, first of all. If you think it’s that easy to put a song together, you’re out of your goddam mind, you are .

Derrick} Right well, shut up and we’ll make some proper noise, then innit . Oh bloody hell, this is shit, this is. Why am I here anyway ?, it’s like taking a piss. It’s like if you were to record yourself pissing .

Rick} I mean, if you want to, we can do that .

Derrick} Nah man, fuck that, bruv .

Mick} Why would you wanna see us pissing, you maniac ?.

Derrick} It’s a metaphor, Mick. Have you heard of a thing called sarcasm ?.

Mick} Well, I don’t bloody know. Just play your bloody drums, Derrick .

Derrick} Hey Rick, how does this sound ?. { He plays the drums}

Rick} That’s shit, what is that ?, it’s almost like your hands are broken, hold the drum sticks properly, with both hands. Nah man, I don’t like this, you know . I’m scared, help me .

John} It’s almost like you’re in destress, Derrick, what on earth ?.

Derrick} I’m fine, really. Stop mucking about, alright ?. Just carry on with band practice .

Mick} Alright lads, let’s spread our wings and fly . 1 2 3 4 . { They start playing, making a racket}

{ The geezer who lives there}

Michael} Ah bloody hell, bloody racket . And there’s Mick with his fucking guitar. I’m gonna kill him and strangle him with it. Okay, here I come . Lord help me . { He walks into the sitting room}

Michael} What the hell is going on ?.

John} Haha, hi, how’s it going, you alright Mikey ?. { John gets up from his chair}

Derrick} Heh, bloody maniac. John, sit down .

Mick} Hi, man. What brings you here ?, you coming in like fucking count yorga .

Michael} Turn the bloody racket down. I can hear it from all the way down there .

John} What, you can’t mind your own business. Are you a bloody speaker ?. Do you have to hear every sound ?. Bloody Michael, hello .

Michael} Wait, what did you say ?.

John} Are you deaf ?, I said you’re like a speaker. You can’t leave any sound, can you ?.

Michael} Fucking get out, get out, go on, get out . { He drags John by his shirt}

John} Ah Jesus. Help me, please, help me . { He sings} { He kicks them out}

Mick} Heh. You know what, I’m actually sick of doing musicd now, how about you ?.

John} Yeah man, music’s shit. Let’s go and do modelling instead .

Derrick} You can go and do that, I’m going . { He walks off}

Rick} Derrick, where are you going ?.

Derrick} Bloody . { he says it Under his breath}

Mick} Ah bloody, forget this. { He walks off as well}

Eddie} Ah shit . I’m not going back in there .

End of script .

Random Band Script, A Bunch Of Geezers Doing Band Practice

Hello everybody . What you’re about to read is a script about a band . It’s just a random script that I wrote, and it’s about these geezers trying to do band practice. It’s kind of like a demented version of Spinal Tap . I think it’s really funny, I hope you enjoy reading it . This contains strong language so if you’re under 18, don’t read this, unless you have some parental guidance . Anyway, enjoy .

Derrick} Bloody hell, how does this song go again ? .

Eddie} Wow, we’re already a few minutes in and you’ve already fucked up .

Derrick} Oh, easy for you to say. Haven’t played these drums for a while. I’ve been occupied with other shit in my life . My partner left me, my father ain’t paying the debt, I’ve been saving up to go to college, and now I’m here with you dim wits .

Rick} Riveting .

Mick} I can’t believe we have to do band practice in this place, I mean, look at it, it’s a shit hole, you’ll play a few notes on the guitar and you’ll go mad .

Terry} Oh, you think that’s bad. I had to do a meeting in a park once, if you think about it, it makes just as much noise as it does here .

Eddie} Yeah, especially if you’re talking to a client and your signal cuts off and you see a bird going ape shit in the back round, they’ll fire you within a week. Bye Bye .

Mick} Guys, we really should get on with this. There’s a geezer going mad in there, one of us will end up down the bloody stairs .

Derrick} I couldn’t give a monkees about that geezer, he can do the moon walk back and forth, like a drunk Michael Jackson and it doesn’t matter if he does, because this is his apartment, we can still do band practice, even if this geezer is driving us round the bend .

Eddie} Okay, well, it’s your funerals, shits, let me get myself together, so I can play this fucking tune. So, what song are we doing then ?.

Mick} I Wanna Shut You Up .

Derrick} Hahaha. { Plays the drum}

Mick} Ayyy, nice one .

Eddie} What the hell was that ?, you shredding the drums .

Derrick} It’s natural human habitat, you put a drum set in front of me, I’ll do that .

John} Oh bloody hell. This is gonna be a long day  . I’ve been holding this microphone for ages, my hands are sweating .

Mick} I shit you not . You think that’s bad, I’ve been holding my guitar for several hours. I’m always holding my guitar, there’s not been a time where I have left it on the side of the sofa. I’m telling you, I was born a guitar hero. They don’t make them like that anymore, I’m telling you .

Eddie} Oh my god. Can you shut up, can you shut up, I’ve had enough of your bullshitting, can you shut up ?. { Claps}

John} My hands are still sweating though .

Derrick} Well then, why don’t you get up and sing for us then, I thought you were a singer, what are you, a window cleaner ?.

John} Oh damn you, I am a singer, I am a way better one then you are, that’s for sure .

Derrick} Well alright then, what are you gonna sing for us then, I Like Frost On Window Panes, I like frost on window panes . { Sings}

John} Shuttttttttttt .

Derrick} And paper chains . { Sings}

John} Sobiee !!! .

Mick} Sit down, you pisser. You and your microphone, not you in all .

Eddie} Look mate, if you want to do your music and enter the gateways of heaven, you better pick up your drum sticks and start playing . Show must go on . { sings} . { They all start playing their instruments}

{The man who works in the studio who’s slowly going mad}

The man} Fucking typical bands, making racket as usual, I’m gonna go mad in a minute .

The other man} Oh leave it out, Ronnie. These are the geezers who are gonna make big names for themselves, so just let them do their thing .

The man} I know, but it’s fucking racket . { Whispers}

The other man} Then, shut the door then if you don’t like the noise .

The man} What’s that gonna do ?.

{ The man starts going off on one and everyone is just so confused}

Mick} Wait. Do you hear that ?, I’m telling you, this geezer’s a looney . Why the fuck did we come here for band practice, oh wait, because we can’t afford to go to a proper studio, bloody hell. God help us, help me, help you .

Terry} You know what, I can’t remember the last time I stayed in a proper house, with lights, a bathroom and a toilet, what is this place, fucking cabin, reminds me of Board stall .

Derrick} Yeah, I haven’t been home since last September, can’t remember the last time I changed my pants .

Mick} Well, that’s something, isn’t it ?. Man’s going mad in the passage and you’re talking about pants .

{ Meanwhile, Ronnie is still having an argument with George}

Thomas} Fucking maniac, you are. Can’t you see what you’re doing, you’re leaving a bad impression on all of us. If they see you, rolling around like this, do you reckon they’d wanna stay ?. This is a studio, it’s in your apartment, of course they’re gonna make a racket. What do you want them to do, keep quiet ?, piss off .

Ronnie} I don’t care what it is, they’re doing my head in. If they don’t stop, I’m telling you, I’d make Texas Chainsaw Massacre happen in this apartment. When I say There will be blood, there will be blood. But you see, the thing is, is that there wasn’t any blood, there was no blood in that film, no blood whatsoever .

George} But, what are you talking about ?. Of course there was blood in that film .

Ronnie} Oh there was hardly any fucking blood .

{Meanwhile, the band mates are practicing}

Derrick} Fucking naaaaaaa, naaaaaaaaaa, naaaaa, Arrrrrrrrr . { Singing}

Mick} Wowowowow . { In a guitar voice}

John} Shut it, shut it, shut it, ayyyyy, come fucking over here, we’re gonna fucking tear this place up. Fucking Turkish. Are you having a Turkish ?. Na na na, who the hell speaks French ?. { Then, Ronnie comes running in}

Ronnie} What the fuck is going on ?. { Shouts}

George} What the fuck is going on ?. { Calmly}

Mick} Well, I don’t fucking know, do I ?, this is my first time, I only came in yesterday .

Eddie} Oh, you know full well what’s going on, mate, this weird ass man / lunatic has come up to us in a waist coat that goes down to his fucking legs, he looks like a fat doctor Strange . Don’t know who this geezer is .

Ronnie} Well maybe, it’s time I introduced myself then, hi I’m Ronnie, this is my apartment by the way .

Terry} What, this is your apartement, are you taking the piss ?.

Ronnie} What, do you see me laughing ?.

Terry} A little bit .

Rick} Haha, get out, you disgusting tramp .

Ronnie} No, you get out, it’s my apartment, don’t get too cocky, you know, I’d break both of your legs if I had the chance .

Derrick} Hah haha, show down .

George} Look guys, can you just keep it down a bit, Ronnie’s trying to do some work in his office. You don’t need to stop or anything like that, but just to it more quietly .

Eddie} Wow, there’s an office in here, I honestly didn’t think there was an office in here .

George} So yeah, can you just pipe it down a little bit, yeah ?, if you don’t mind. There is a way to do it more quiet .

Derrick} Is there a way though, I don’t think there is, we can’t just do that .

George} Oh trust me, there is, you just do it more gentle .

Mick} No you can’t, that’s the power of music, there are no limits. You can’t just do it quietly, you might as well just not do it then, innit ?, what’s the point ?, what’s the point ?.

George} Hey let me tell you something, Ronnie is the master of music, he can teach you a few things. Oi, Ronnie, can you come here for a minute ?.

Derrick} Oh fuck no, you’re not gonna teach me how to play the drums, I already know how to, now this nut case is over here, makes it ten times worse, you’re just gonna take my drum sticks and you’re gonna drag me to hell .

Ronnie} Derrick, you twat, just sit still, I’m gonna show you how to do reverb .

Derrick} What, on the drums ?, are you out of your goddam mind ?.

Ronnie} Look Derrick, this is what happens when you tap the drum, is creates a reverb effect, you see . { He taps the drum with his finger, demonstrating a certain sound}

Derrick} Oh wow, this actually really cool, I like the sound it makes . It’s like, Doo Dung, wicked .

Eddie} You’re going mad .

Mick} This is exactly what hell is like, this is my idea of hell .

John} Hurrrr, I envy your mother, honestly .

Eddie} Wow, is that what it sounds like when a lump of shit lands in a toilet ?.

Ronnie} Get out, get out, Eddie, piss off, you don’t talk about Excement in my apartment, you keep it out, you understand ?.

Eddie} What, what else was I supposed to talk about, anyway, it sounds like toilet, that’s what it sounds like, it’s like shit music economics .

Ronnie} No piss off, get out, get out of here .

Mick} By him, do you mean all of us ?.

Ronnie} While we’re at it, yeah .

Rick} Oh geez, see, I knew this sort of thing would happen, it’s shit anyway, there’s no proper resources, you just hum your fucking tapes. All though, we have intruments, but then you complain that there’s too much noise, so I don’t know .

Ronnie} Right, get out, get out, don’t come back here .

Derrick} What, what did we do ?, what did we do to deserve this, we were only joking .

Ronnie} Oh don’t take the piss, never underestimate me, you stupid git, and you communist cunt .

Mick} What, when did I say I supported communism ?.

Ronnie} I know you did, you all worship the same old rubbish, and you, piss off, piss off .

{ Ronnie chased all of them out of the building}

Derrick{ Oh shit, I forgot my drum set, can I go back and get it ?.

Ronnie} No, get out . { He slammed the door right in their faces}

John} Wow, Ain’t I glad to be out of that place ?, who was that geezer ?.

Eddie} I have no clue. Absolute nut case. Well, at least we’re out of there, we don’t have to run into that geezer anymore .

Rick} Well, where are we gonna go, we still need to do our band practice .

Mick} Yeah, we’re not going back to that place, forget it, I’d run a mile . I’d stay well away from that place if I were you .

Rick} Well, there’s no where to go now, innit ?, where are we go now ?.

Derrick} We’ll think of something, bloody hell. How are we gonna get out of here ?.

Eddie} Oh, don’t tell me we’re gonna have to walk back .

John} Yeah, you know what, let’s just get the bus, the 73 is due any minute now .

Terry} Oh thank god. { A few minutes later, the bus still hasn’t turned up}

Mick} Yep, that bus isn’t coming any time soon .

Terry} Oh bloody hell .

End of script .