Big Blog Theory

New Script, 4 Demented Sad Sacks Who Are Stuck In One Room Together

Hi everyone, welcome back to Big Blog Theory, hope you’re all doing well. I’ve got something very special in store for you guys today . I have written a new script, it’s called 4 Demented Sad Sacks Who Are Stuck In One Room Together, as you can see by the title on this post .  It’s about these four idiots are stuck in this room together and they all hate each other but they have to interact with each other whether or not they like it . I think it’s really funny . It’s just character studies at the end of the day . I hope you like it.

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s just sitting around, trying not to go mad}

Jeremy} Oh piss off, Gerry. No, don’t do that. I’ll fucking do you one .

Gerry} What ?, I didn’t do anything .

Jeremy} Yes you did. Just because we share the same birth name, it doesn’t mean you have the right to piss me off .

Gerry} Yeah well, it’s not my fault I’m called that. My parents called me Gerry. The nurse handed over the paperwork and the certificate to my parents and that was it. Little old Gerry was born .

Samsung} Yeah, and you didn’t choose to exist either .

Gerry} Oh get out. Yeah, says the man who’s name is bloody Samsung .

Samsung} Hey, we’re not the ones in charge, we have no input with the names. You could be called Orange, you could be called apple, you could be Nectarine . Honestly, life’s bloody weird, man. If you think about it, yeah, we’re like a tiny dot on the horizon .

Trevor} This is nice, you know ?. We’re like one big happy family, us lot .

Jeremy} No, we’re not family, we never will be .

Trevor} Oh come on, Jeremy, lighten up. We’re all stuck in this room together, we’re probably gonna die soon, we might as well get on .

Gerry} Not on my watch .

Jeffery} You never had a bloody watch, you donkey !.

Gerry} It’s a metaphor, Jeffery !!! . You don’t have any idea. It’s a fucking joke !!!. You need to exchange lives, mate, you need a fucking, you need a fucking day in the slums. Sit there and be real, you fucking fake !!!! .

{ Trevor starts laughing}

Gerry} No, I don’t find it funny, he’s pissing me off .

Jay} Gerry, why are you so worked up ?.

Gerry} Because it’s life. It’s what we have and it’s shit .

Trevor} Oh, stop over compensating. You’re only gonna lead us on .

Samsung} God, I’m so fed up with you lot. I’ve only met you yesterday. You don’t do anything but stare at the ceiling and talk shit .

Jeremy} What else are we gonna do in a place like this ?. It’s not Butlins, for peets sake .

Jay} Why would we need Butlins when we have our own entertainment ?.

Jeremy} What entertainment do we have ?.

Jayu} Talk shit and possibly a fist fight . And then, that’s transcended into a boot to the teeth. You’re all gonna be toothless wonders, the lot of you .

Jeremy} Who on earth called for a bloody fist fight ?.

Jay} Well, it’s you lot. That’s what you’re enabeling . You just can’t wait to kill someone .

Samsung} Bullshit, we’re happy. Isn’t that right, Gerry ?.

Gerry} Yeah yeah, we’re happy, we’re happy . We don’t wanna kill anyone. What a load of rubbish .

Jay} Right well, if someone does end up getting killed tonight, I’m not gonna be the one to blame .

Samsung} How are you gonna kill someone anyway ?.

Jay} You’ve got a knife .

Samsung} What knife ?. This is a pencil, you bloody dumbo .

Jay} Yeah well, some pencils are really sharp, it may cause injury of some sort .

Samsung} I don’t know what world you’re living in, mate. No one’s ever been killed via pencil.

Jay} There was this kid at my old school who was threatening this other kid with a pencil .

Samsung} Oh yeah ?, and what happened to him ?.

Jay} Well he was murdered. Now listen to thism this is even worse. The kid who murdered the kid with a pencil now works at a pencil factory in Swansea .

Samsung} Bloody hell.

{Jeremy starts laughing, they all look at him}

Jay} Jeremy, why are you laughing for ?. It’s not funny, a kid just died . This is not a laughing matter .

Jeremy} What, you honestly believe in that story ?. Jay talks so much shit, man. You can’t murder someone with a pencil, you just can’t, it’s impossible . And if you can, then it would have to be really really hard .

Jay} Wanna take it to the streets to see who’s right ?.

Jeremy} Honestly, I’d love to, man, but we’re locked in.

Jay} We could still do it in here though. There’s more space, there’s more resources. Inside the room it is .

Samsung} No it’s bloody not. You ain’t do anything. You bloody bumble of shit .

Jeremy} Oh I’m a bumble of shit ?, what are you then ?.

Samsung} I’m nothing. I don’t think I’m anything, I’m far from that .

Jeremy} Samsung, you’re exactly what you say you are. What, you think I’m a fairy ?.

Gerry} You fairy !!! .

Jeremy} What ?. Would you wanna get your teeth knocked out by a fairy ?. Not on your nellie .

Gerry} Yes I would, actually. Just as long as the fairy has a face of an actual fairy and not the face of a man named Jeremy Shitter .

Jeremy} No that’s not my name .

Jay} Oo. I think we should all have a friend like Jeremy Shitter, I love Jeremy shitter .

Jeremy} Oh, don’t take the piss. You’re lucky I’m just human. You’re lucky I don’t transform into some roller blade wonder pig. I’d wreck the house until you get to the bloody fire exit door .

Jay} Where are you gonna find a fire exit door ?.

Jeremy} They’re everywhere, Jay .

Jay} Where does the fire exit door lead you anyway ?.

Jeremy} It leads you through the gateways of hell.

Jay} That sounds lovely, doesn’t it ?. Bloody hell . { He says it under his breath with sarcasm}

Jeremy} It sure does feel like we’re in hell though. I never realized how easy it is to go to hell. You just need to slag someone off, then you need to go inside the wrong room and bam, you’re in hell. I don’t even know how that’s possible but it is .

Samsung} Well, I sure do hope that you don’t think of us when you think of hell, Jeremy .

Jeremy turns around}

Jeremy} Of course I think of you lot when I think of hell. You’ve got hell written all over you. Man named Samsung, a man who calls me Jeremy Shitter. You’re bloody fustrating . It takes one to go mad. No, that’s not true, it’s just not true. It doesn’t take one person to go mad, it starts with one, then the rest of you follow. How did we even meet anyway ?. How did we end up in this room together ?.

Gerry} I think there was a man who led us into this room, then he locked us in by accident .

Samsung} What the fuck ?. Why would he just do that ?. Fucking hell,  Man’s already gone senile at the age of thirty. Is he taking the piss ?. Bloody Jovanka !!! .

Silence}

Jay} There was no need for that outburst, Samsung .

Samsung} I’m sorry but, it had to be said .

Gerry} Wait, but why would someone just lock you inside a room though ?. They can sense that someone might still be in the room .

Jay} No, because people are mad, that’s why. They need their heads examined. I thought we were evolving as a society. We seem to be going bloody backwards. That git, man. If I had the chance, I would lock him in the bloody room instead. I would wack him on the head and then I’d pull down his pants .

Jeremy} Woah ok, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself a bit there .

Jay} What ?, we bloody deserves it. God, does he deserve it ?.

{A few minutes later, they’re still lying there}

Jay} That geezer, man, por. I don’t know who he is but he needs a bloody, he needs a bloody spiral towards the river, mate, absolute parasite .

Everyone} Ughhhhhhhh .

End of script}

 

 

 

New Script, A bunch of School Boys Having A Chat On A Camping Trip

Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing well. What you’re about to read is a new script I wrote a few weeks ago. It’s about these school boys who are on a camping trip and they’re just chatting the night away whilst the others are in their tents sleeping . It was quite an easy one for me to write because I have heard those kinds of conversations before, I’ve never been on a camping trip with my school but I have heard conversations between kids at school. I hope you like it.

{ First scene, Max and his friends are in a tent and they’re having a chat}

Max} Woo, it’s spooky spooky. I’m loving this, Carter. I might look terrified but I’m loving it . Oh god, I feel like I’m about to fall over .

John} Why is it dark ?. Is it just me or is it dark ?.

Carter} Well, it’s camping, what do you expect ?. You wanna camp in South America ?.

John} Haha, yes, haha. You know what ?, this is my first ever camping trip, it’s my first time camping. I have to admit before I came, I was so scared and so nervous .

Jim} Yeah, you should be. We’re in the middle of nowhere, in a small tent. If we get ambushed by a tiger or any other wild animal, we’re dead .

Carter} No no, alright ?, no. I wanna get good sleep tonight. I don’t wanna spend the whole night, worrying about my safety .

John} If our tent did get ambushed by a lion or a bear, what would you do ?.

Carter} I would run .

John} Hah, lame. Of course you wouldn’t run, you would fight it, wouldn’t you ?.

Carter} Hell no. What, I don’t wanna get thrashed by a wilder beast . Are you mad ?. Would you really wanna get attacked by a wilder beast ?.

John} Yes I would, actually. That would be the most interesting thing that’s ever happened in my life.

Carter} That’s not true. What about the football match you were a part of, last week. That was interesting .

John} Yeah but that was quick. After that was done and out of the way, I had nothing to show case. I had nothing to look forward to. At least I could do this cause then I’d be giving in. I could go home happy for once .

Jim} Well no, you wouldn’t really go home, would you ?. You just got killed by a bear, how on earth would you go home in one piece ?. You wouldn’t have legs, you wouldn’t even be alive. You would stop moving, you wouldn’t even be in the right state to pick yourself up from the floor. You would be two pieces of toast .

John} Well no, cos, I can make friends with the bear .

Carter} Anything to keep you from going home .

John} Yep, that’s my life. I would rather live in a forest than live in my real home.

Max} Wow, that got deep fast .

Carter} Yep, that’s what happens when you bring John on a camping trip with you. He’s like a white sick Oprah. You would hate you right now .

John laughs}

John} It is what it is .

Max} Yeah. This is nice though .

Jim} Yeah. I’m still really creeped out by that tent though. All the girls have a nice tent, the teachers gave us like the worst tent .

John} Yeah well, I hope they sleep in a tent made out of leaves .

Max} How would you sleep in a tent made out of leaves ?. Is that even possible ?. You’d die from hyperthermia.

John} Honestly, I have no clue ,

Max} Looks like the teachers are having a good long chat. What do you think they’re talking about ?.

Jim} I really don’t know, man .

Carter} I know what they’re talking about. They’re talking about how they’re gone camping before, then that’s followed by a conversation about meeting up for a drink. Honestly, I give up sometimes . You’d be surprised how I manage to keep sane through it all. They bore us to death hundreds of times a day, lecturing us on algebra and chemistry. I don’t know what the point is, what’s the point ?.

John} Oh yeah no, they’re like ” Algebra, chemistry, all the lessons you’ll need for your future ”. Like yeah, when I open up my own bank account at the age of 15, and when I’m running for prime minister, I’ll see if those lessons become useful .

Max} What, you, prime minister ?. Haha, are you being serious ?, John. You don’t know a flat from a house . How are you gonna run the country ?.

John} Yeah of course, I’ll be a great one. I’ll keep everyone in check, I’ll show them how it’s really done .

Jim} Yeah of course you will. You won’t even know what to do with a stick. If someone gave you a stick, you’d wave it in the air. Like, what’s that, exactly ?, I have no idea .

John} But what’s that got to do with being a prime minister ?. Waving a stick ?, do you mean a conductor ?. Like in an orchestra ?.

Jim} No, I mean prime minister .

Carter} Well, I don’t know what prime minister you’re thinking of. Must be on the ends of the earth, under a bridge .

Jim} Prime ministers, you see ?. They can’t prove a point without waving a stick in the air . But sometimes it’s considered as assault, that’s why most of them resign. Total lack of leadership . All because of a stick .

John} Oh shut up, Jimmy .

Jim} I’m not Jimmy. Who the hell is Jimmy ?.

Max} Your dad .

Jim} Oh get out. You talk about my dad one more time, I’ll kill you .

{ Silence}

Carter} Oh come on, Jim. You won’t really kill Max, will you ?.

Jim} I might do. If the bear doesn’t eat you up, then I’m gonna have to .

Max} No, the bear’s gonna eat your arse .

John} Okay okay, everybody. Let’s all settle down. From now on, we need to shut up. If the teachers find out what we’ve been up to in the last three hours, they will kill us . I mean, what have we been talking about for the last three hours ?. Talking about prime ministers waving sticks, we’re driving ourselves mad and we’re in the middle of nowhere, this tent smells like wee, we have no food because we didn’t bring any, surprise surprise . So I don’t know, I think I might eat some bark. Hm, it’s crunchy, hm, it’s really nice. God help us, god help me, help you .

Carter} Hey John, calm down and have some beaver .

John} No I’m alright .

Carter} Have some, have some .

John} No I don’t want bloody beaver !!!! .

Max} Wait a minute, where did you find beaver ?.

Carter} I skinned a beaver earlier this morning. It’s really nice though .

Max} Oh my god, Carter, you can’t do that .

Carter} What, I’m hungry . Anyway, what are we supposed to do, starve ?. You need to eat .

Jim} Hm. Look at John, he’s eating beaver. How adorable .

Max} No it’s not adorable. He’s eating it like it’s a beef burger. God help him .

John} No, god help you, you’re intimidating .

Carter} Guys. You ever realize how beautiful the stars are tonight ?. They’re quite far away but you can still see them if you look carefully enough .

John} I can’t see anything. What stars ?, I can only see darkness .

Carter} Johnny, you need to get an imagination .

John} Do I though ?. I think I’m better off without it. I’ve seen some really crazy stuff. The last thing I need is an imagination. It’s terrifying. It’s even worse when it’s in the dark .

Carter} It’s really cool though. It kind of reminds me of my birth .

John} Hey Carter, do you remember the time when you were born ?.

Carter} No, I don’t remember my birth, but I do remember my death .

Max} What are you on about ?. You’re not dead .

Carter} Yes I am .

Max} No you’re not. Right well, tell me then. If you’re dead then who am I talking to ?.

Carter} Wooo, I’m a spooky ghost. Say hello to the ghost, ooo, I love you, Maxxy . { Tries to wind him up}

Max} Shut up !!!.

Jim} Oh he’s no ghost. He’s more like a zombie, he’s a dead man walking .

Max} Oh, I can’t deal with this crap. I’m going to bed, I’m tired .

Carter} What, already ?. That was quick. I thought you’d stay up a bit longer. Look around, the night’s still young. Tonight, we live like kings .

John} Yeah, the night’s still young and I feel great, { Starts singing} ” I’m feeling good ”. ” Argh, I should probably go to bed though, I feel like crap .

Max} You look like crap .

John} Thank you, Max. You don’t look too bad yourself .

Carter} That’s really the whole point though. You’re supposed to feel like crap whenever you go camping .

Jim} Right well, if that’s the case, then I don’t know what camping trip I’m on . It’s like Chameleon channeling with Bear Grylls . You just hide behind a rock the entire time . This is what it feels like .

Max} Right, I’m going to bed, goodnight boys. See you in the morning .

Jim} Or not .

John} Oh come on, Jim, stop it with this bear ambush rubbish. We’re not gonna get attacked by a bear .

Jim} Oh he’s coming, he’s coming. It’s Vishka the dancing bear. He’s gonna eat you alive. Chomp chomp . He’s gonna be a big mac. John Big mac .

John} Shut up !!!! .

{ A few minutes later, they’re fast asleep in their tent}

{ Carter can hear rustling coming from inside the tent. At first, he thinks it’s Jim winding him up but then, he wakes up and sees a bear}

Carter} Ahhhhhhh, oh hello no, man, what the hell is that ?.

Max} What’s what, Carter ?. There’s nothing there, man .

Carter} Nah man, I’ve just seen something really scary outside the tent. { He sits on the floor and is really paranoid} ” Oh my god, nope nope, forget that, get that zip, I’m off ”. { He gets up and just runs out of the tent} { Everyone’s just wondering what on earth is going on}

John} What the hell is going on ?.

Carter} Nope nope, you’re not fooling me today, bloody man child. { He gets out of the tent and he runs}

Max} Where’s he off to ?.

Jim} He’s running in the bloomin forest, that idiot . What’s he doing ?.

John} This is his first time camping .

Carter} Ahhhh, what the hell is that ?. It’s got more than two legs .

Max} Where’s he gone ?.

{Jim starts laughing}

End of script}

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Whole New Script, Shop Assistant Gets Badgered By Customer Who Is Not Content With His Life

Hi guys, hope you’re all doing well. I’ve got something very special in store for you guys today. I just wrote a new script . It’s about this guy, his name is Jack and he’s working in this shop and he keeps getting badgered by this disgruntled, fed up man, his name is Simon and he is someone who is unsatisfied with his life after a very disappointing day at work . I think it’s really funny. You can just see Jack slowly going mad .I think we all know a Simon in our lives . I wrote this yesterday, It’s quite short but it’s really affective and funny . I hope you enjoy it .

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

Simon} Oh for goodness sake, this is bloody rubbish !!!. Look, I apologize, I’ve just had a very rough day today .

Jack} Oh really ?, oh alright then . We’ve all been there .

Simon} Yeah no, it’s my boss, you see ?. He’s a tight git. He just wouldn’t give me my pay check. I’ve been working day and night, working my fingers to the bone and he still won’t give me my money. Hah, that tight git. I’ll show him, I’m gonna show him what’s worth .

Jack} Uh sorry. I’m just a bit busy at the moment. Would it be alright if we could catch up later ?.

Simon} Yeah no, not at all, do continue. After all, someone needs to run this shop. Oh well, I’m off, see you later, alright ?.

Jack} Right see ya . { Simon walks off}

{ A few minutes later, he walks up to Jack and starts talking again}

Simon} Hah, that tight git. I can’t believe he did that. Why can’t he just give me my money up front ?. I have to run the bloody extra mile for that shit. I mean, who does he think he is, Vincent Pugwash ?. The game is on. Nah, you know what, the game isn’t on. There was never a game in the first place. Man’s lost the plot. ” The game is on ”, yeah, I’ll show you bloody game .

Jack} Ughhhhh .

{ End of act 1}

{ Act 2} { Jack is having a discussion with Simon before he loses his mind}

Jack} Look, man, you’ve really gotta stop interrupting me at work. Can you see that I’m doing some serious shit right now ?.

Simon} Did I know that you were doing some serious shit ?, no I didn’t know, of course I didn’t bloody know. What was I doing anyway ?, I can’t really remember . It’s all been a blur, if I’m honest with you .

Jack} Oh come on, Simon, you should know this .

Simon} I know but what was it though ?.

Jack} You were having a rant. You were going on about how your boss wouldn’t pay you .

Simon} Oh yeah, that’s it, yeah, he really pissed me off .

Jack} Yeah and you’ve been going on about it for hours .

Simon} Yeah. And rightly so .

Jack} You’ve been driving me up the wall .

Simon} Yeah well, it’s not my fault my boss is a parasite .

Jack} Look, is he really that bad ?. I have a feeling that you’re over exaggerating. He can’t be that bad .

Simon} Oh, you don’t know the half of it. I see my boss on a daily basis, I know what he’s like.

Jack} Why won’t he pay you though ?. I don’t get it .

Simon} It’s because he’s tight git !!!! .

{ Then suddenly, Jack’s boss calls him}

The boss} Oi Jack, you have to give me a hand, some crack head has made a mess in aisle five. I’m gonna need you to get here as quick as possible, please .

Jack} Oh alright, I’ll be there in a second. { He turns around and looks at Simon} ” Look man, I need to get a move on. We’ll talk some other time .

Simon} Ok. See you .

{ A few minutes later, he suddenly appears once again}

Simon} Why hello there, Jack. I’ve got some news. I had a chat with my boss. Unfortunatly, he’s still a tight git .

Jack} Ughhhh .

{End of act 2, straight onto act 3}

Jack} Simon, you bloody. Can’t you see that I’m working ?. You’re still going on about your boss. It’s driving me mad. We need to do something about this .

Simon} You can do something about it, I’m doing nothing.

Jack} What do you mean, ” I’m doing nothing ”, you’re the one who did this to yourself. I’m just trying to work like a normal human being. Yeah, like work isn’t stressful enough already.

Simon} Well. At least you get paid. I get payed shit . Absolutely nothing .

Jack} That’s an underestimation .

Simon} Well go on then, how much do you get paid for doing your job ?.

Jack} Oh come on, Simon, don’t do this to yourself. Talking about money isn’t gonna solve anything. It’s just gonna make the whole thing even worse .

Simon} Oh it’s fine, don’t worry about it, I’ve already been through the worst of it, How much does your boss pay you ?.

Jack} About 40 quid, I’d say. Something like that.

Simon} 40 quid ?. I was expecting more from a job like this .

Jack} Well no not really, you get two pounds an hour .

Simon} Oh ok .

Jack} There you go, We’re both underpaid. Do you feel better now ?. Do you feel better to know that you’re not the only one who is underpaid ?.

Simon} Yeah I do .

Jack} Well ok cool. Let’s just pretend that we didn’t even have this conversation .

Simon} Yeah, that tight git .

Jack} Ughhhhh .

End of script}

 

A Struggling Writer Who Has A Mental Breakdown Script 2

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{ Richard is called back into the councillor’s office due to another one of his mental breakdowns}

The councillor} Richard, what are you doing here ?. I thought we had discussed this yesterday .

Richard} You know what, mate, I couldn’t give a shit, I’m so sick of trying .

The councillor} Did you submit your work ?.

Richard} Yes I did .

The councillor} What did they say ?.

Richard} They said that it was too long, it should be less than thirty five words .

The councillor} That’s it ?. I thought they would of critiqued your whole scripts. You know what they’re like, rejection is a pain in the arse . As long as they didn’t say that your script was crap, then that’s alright .

Richard} Yeah no, they also said it was shit, they said it was boring, slow and that it was poor and lazy writing .

The councillor} That’s absolute nonsense. That was one of the most ingaging scripts I have ever heard. It was entriguing .

Richard} Hah, I’ll let you be the judge of that .

The councillor} No really. You’ve got a knack for it, you should keep doing it .

Richard} I don’t have the patience, you bloody . The stories are shit, man. Even I feel like I’m going into a fucking gulag just by typing in the first bloody draft .

The councillor} You shouldn’t feel like that though, you should be entrigued. Anyway, you can’t impress everyone .

Richard} You’re bloody well right, you are. I had to show this geezer one of my plays .

The councillor} What play is it ?.

Richard} It was the one about the man who lives in a tunnel. He said ” What the bloody hell is that ?”, I said that he was hiding from his wife. He goes why ?, and I said ” Because he’s been driven mad by her ”. At this point, she doesn’t even know she has a husband. He’s spent his whole life living in a tunnel .

The councillor} Hm interesting, interesting. So um, do you have any other ideas for stories ?.

Richard} Yeah, I have these other ideas, they came to me yesterday . Um, there’s this one about this man who thinks that his wife is a lighthouse, saying that she’s his bright lights, but that doesn’t really mean that she’s a lighthouse, and then there’s this other one about this boy who believes that his dad is Rick Flair. There’s another one about this girl who forms an unlikely bond with a sailer. Tells her the stories about what it’s like being on rough seas. Um, everyone thinks that the sailer is her dad, at least that’s what they think anyway, no one really knows the full story .

The councillor} Oh alright, cool .

Richard} Do you wanna know what the sailer said to the girl ?.

The councillor} Um no, I don’t think I’d want to .

Richard} He said ” Sheeeeeee, oh I do love to sail amongst the rough seas, come sail away !!!! ”. { He sings}

The councillor} Alright, Richard, I got it, I got it .

Richard} Sheeeeee, Shibidubidu, olmi lassi. Row row row your boat, in the navy .

The councillor} Ok, that’s it, Richard. you can stop singing now.

Richard} That one is my specialty. It’s my comfort story whenever I’m having a really bad day, which is pretty much most of the time . Yeah it’s brilliant though. I don’t like the bit where the boat sinks though. It’s all fine up until then. Bloody boat, you know what I mean ?.

The councillor} That’s just nuts. I don’t know, I don’t think I’d read it though .

Richard} Yeah no don’t worry, I wouldn’t read it either .

The councillor} Do you have any other story ideas ?, because knowing you, you must have a massive backlog .

Richard} Yeah. There’s another one about a man who is obsessed with the sky. He just looks up at the sky and he thinks . ” Why is the sky blue, why are the clouds so big ?”. Oh shut up, you bloody stupid man, stupid bloody fantasist man. { He stands up and dazes into the sky}

The councillor} Richard, hello, hello, are you there ?. Richard, talk to me . { Tries to grab his attention}

Richard} Oi no, stop it. I’m trying to connect to the man who is in love with the sky. Man, why must you be so obsessed with the sky ?, you’re going mad over here . ” Hey Yolanza. your wife is worried sick about you. She said she made brownies and flap jacks. She bloody burnt them in the oven cos you were too busy making love to the sky . You fucking git, come home, you bloody git .

The councillor} Richard, I’m still here, you know ?.

Richard} Yeah, I can see that .

The councillor} Wow, sounds like you’re really invested in this man .

Richard} Yeah. That’s obviously because it was my brother. Every day, he looks up at the sky and he drives himself mad .

The councillor} Oh dear .

Richard} He’s completely lost touch with reality. He thinks that the sky is a sign of world domination. I keep telling him but he’s like ” No man, brother mine, world domination is real and it’s in the sky, brother ”, I’m like ” No, man, are you mad ?, you call me brother, I’m not your brother ”. I don’t know what’s going on, man. I think the altitude made him deranged. Is that a thing, sir ?. Does the altitude make you deranged ?, because from my own experiences with my brother, I know it’s real .

The councillor} No, not that I know of .

Richard} I think it’s real. I know what happened. He’s been doing it flat out for about five weeks, this is absolutely mental. He doesn’t even know what a pineapple is anymore, he thinks it’s a bloomin space ship . The fucking man has lost the plot .

The councillor} Wait, but where are you gonna find bloody altitude in London ?.

Richard} Oh it’s there, it’s there. Go outside if you don’t believe me .

The councillor} I don’t want to believe you, I think it’s complete and utter nonsense .

Richard} It may be nonsense, but I’ll tell you something, sir. It’s not nonsense until you see it happening .

The councillor} Yeah, but it’s not even something I’d want to see, it sounds absolutely rank .

Richard} Welcome to my world. Unfortunatly, you’re gonna see a lot more of it .

The councillor} Ugh, no thank you. Right ok, so, you’re doing your plays ?.

Richard} Yes .

The councillor} And you’re enjoying it ?.

Richard} Oh shut up .

The councillor} You what ?.

Richard} Get out, you absolute piss take .

The councillor} Oh come on, Richard, don’t start this off again . I thought we discussed this last week .

Richard} We didn’t discuss anything. You started talking about Shirley Bassey, I don’t bloody know .

The councillor} I was motorvating you .

Richard} No mate, listen, the only thing you motorvated me to do was to take a massive shit in a toilet .

The councillor} Nonsense. You got something out of it.

Richard} Look mate, do you really believe in this so called motorvation you speak of ?. There is so such thing .

The councillor} It does exist though. Most artists use motorvation to keep doing their work even when they don’t feel like it. That’s motorvation .

Richard} Yeah, then they wake up the next day and they’re miserable again. They’re like, ” Yes, I’ve got this, I can do this, I’ve got the whole world in my hands ”, then here comes tomorrow, then the next day, they feel like shit again. They can’t even get themselves out of bed in the morning. Back to square one again. Motorvation is shit, man, I don’t even know why I do it .

The councillor} It’s because you’re one of a kind, Richard .

Richard} Am I though, am I ?.

The councillor} Of course you are .

Richard} No I’m bloody not. I’m not even sure if I am a kind. ” One of a kind ”, Puh, what a lot of bloody rubbish the whole thing . The kind is gonna be shit scared of me when they get to know me, forget that .

The councillor} Of course the kind won’t be scared of you. If the kind found out that you write plays, it would be thrilled .

Richard} No but they’re shit though. I’d rather watch a dead plastic bag float off of cars. They’re really entertaining, sir . Have you ever seen a dead plastic bag float into the street ?. Knowing you, you’ve probably seen a shit load in your day .

The councillor} No I’ve never seen that, I wouldn’t call it entertaining. Is it good ?.

Richard} Oh it’s to die for. Every time I come into work, there’s always one floating around. Makes my day .

The councillor} Right well, if that’s the case, then I’m really scared for you .

Richard} No I’m really happy about myself, actually. It’s way better than going to a knitting class or something . Talking shite whilst handling needles, no thanks. I’m happy about where I am right now. Don’t really have a proper job, but jesus, does anyone ?.

The councillor} That’s a bit depressing .

Richard} A bit ?, it’s very depressing. But it is what it is .

The councillor} Ok so. Do you feel like you’re getting anything out of this writing program ?. Is it helping you in any way ?.

Richard} Well, first of all, it is but it’s also not. I feel like I’m going into some sort of over drive every time I write a draft. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Um, my neighbors have no idea what’s going on. I’m so sick and tired of pretending like I’m writing Monty Python or something . If I write a shite piece, it’s a shite piece . What am I writing at the end of the day, monkey shit ?. It’s bullshit, man .

The councillor} Ok well, I read your story, the other day and I thought it was great. It’s different, but it was great .

Richard} Oh really ?. Well, I’m glad you even had time to read the story .

The councillor} I always have time, especially if it’s got something to do with my patients . I loved the story .

Richard} Nah. You didn’t like it. See, with you I can tell. You like all that serial dramas with people sitting in a dark room. One’s scared shitless, there’s this Colonel who gets pissed off every episode and feels the need to murder someone. Then there’s this woman who’s hiding under the bed, fuck knows why she’s there, then there’s this other woman who has a laundry basket on her head. That’s your idea of quality entertainment, you love that shit . It’s all that stuff that’s set in a village .

The councillor} A village ?. I’m not sure about that .

Richard} Yeah, your taste in television is really warped and twisted .

The councillor} Well, I like this, so .

Richard} Right well, that says a lot .

The councillor} What ?.

Richard} Shut up !!!!! .

End of script}

 

 

 

New Script, A Struggling Writer Who Has Had A Breakdown

Hi guys, hope you’re all doing well. I have something very special in store for you lot today. I’ve got a new script to share with you guys . It’s about a struggling writer, his name is Richard and he has had a mental breakdown and he has been sent to this councillor’s office and he tries to find piece and a reason to carry on with his writing . I wrote this script a few days ago. I’m always trying out new things with scripts and characters . I hope you like it, it’s really funny . So here it is, enjoy .

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

The councillor} Richard, Richard. Why are you causing a commotion ?. You had a breakdown and you scared my colleagues . Why are you doing this to yourself ?. Are you alright ?.

Richard} No I’m not, I’m not alright . Everything’s fucked at the moment . Don’t even know where to start .

The councillor} What’s the matter with you ?. What was all the shouting about ?. I was holding a very important meeting with a bunch of other councillors and the major shareholders of this company, meanwhile, you’re rolling about the place like a maniac, screaming about bloody Hamlet. What’s all that about ?, hm ?. This has been going on for a few good weeks now, it’s about time I finally put an end to this .

Richard} Ok well, first of all, why would I be screaming about Hamlet, I hate Hamlet. I don’t know what’s going on in that little head of yours, you’re re writing history, mate, you need to un clog it straight away .

The councillor} Look ok, I called you into my office to have an honorable discussion and you’re treating this place like a playground .

Richard} Honorable discussion, what honorable discussion ?. This isn’t honorable. It’s like saying ” Oh yeah, get the family over for dinner, we’re gonna have an honorable discussion ”. Nothing here is honorable .

The councillor} Hey, you have no right to bring my family into this. It’s hard, it’s hard working six jobs a day. Imagine being in my shoes. It’s easy for you to say, you don’t have to do shit. You can just sit down and write a script or two, you don’t have to worry about anything .

Richard} Oh yeah ?, and why do you think that, sir ?. Why do you think that my job is easy ?. Why don’t you try and write something ?. You know how long it takes me to write one paragraph ?. It takes me five weeks to write one draft. Then for the rest of my day, I’m thinking about what goes next . Then for the next two hours, I’m thinking about fucking geese .

The councillor} Richard, language, language.

Richard} I’m sorry but you will never be a writer. You think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it ?. I’m so done with this shit, man .

The councillor} What have you written so far ?.

Richard} Hm, a story about a dancing tree who was planted in the Bronx, a story about a girl who forms an unlikely bond with a sumo wrestler in Korea. Man lives in a tunnel where he hides from his wife .

The councillor} My god .

Richard} The list goes on forever. And oh yeah, there’s another one about a man who falls in love with a China doll .

The councillor} Ok, that’s enough. Thank you, Richard, I see that you have lots of material.

Richard} Well, if it’s good material, then that’s another thing. I couldn’t give a shit, really .

The councillor} Well, of course it’s good. They are very interesting story ideas .

Richard} How do you know ?. How do you know if it’s good  ?. You know shit, old man .

The councillor} Well really, I don’t know because I haven’t heard it yet .

Richard} Well, would you like to ?.

The councillor} No, I’m sorry, I’m quite busy at the moment, but maybe later .

Richard} Ok. The story starts in a small village in Japan. Little girl called Irisu was walking in a forest, aroused by the outside world, experiencing everything for the very first time since she was seperated since birth. ” Oh, I do like the green green leaves in the forest, it reminds me of home ”. The pine trees stare at her like ” What the fuck ?”. Little girl Irisu says .

The councillor} Right ok, that’s enough for today.

Richard} What do you think ?, it was good, wasn’t it ?.

The councillor} Yeah it was good. It’s just being creative and artistic, you’re experimenting with different writing styles. What do you think of the story ?.

Richard} I don’t know, I think it would have been better if she didn’t go into the forest .

The councillor} Right okay okay. So Richard, what do you think of this whole writing thing ?. Do you enjoy it ?.

Richard} I don’t know, man, that’s a very nerve wrecking question. You have no right put me on the spot like that ?.

The councillor} What, what did I do ?.

Richard} You just asked me if I enjoyed writing ?. What the hell am I supposed to say ?. It’s just like saying ” Oh yeah, do you like sailing the seven seas ?”, I have a boat, doesn’t mean I sail though . It’s bloody rubbish .

The councillor} What are you on about ?. I didn’t say anything about sailing. I just said ” Do you enjoy writing ?”, that’s all I said . What’s that got to do with sailing ?.

Richard} Well, you don’t read a script on a boat, do you ?.

The councillor} Richard, don’t go into that now.

Richard} You asked me whether or not I enjoy writing, what do you think is the answer ?. Am I sitting here, thinking about seeing name on the hall of fame, being known as the new Scorsese, or am I thinking about picking up my bags and leaving your office ?.

The councillor} How am I supposed to know ?, I can’t read minds, I wish I could. I think that you’re thinking of the first option. I think that you’re thinking about being a successful, famous film director .

Richard} Well, you’re wrong. But wouldn’t that be nice ?. For once in my life, I am being known for something and not just die as this unknown individual who writes theatre plays for bloody prisons. It’s like ” Yeah, there’s Tarantino, there’s Spielberg, there’s Scorsese, then there’s Richard Goulding, who the fuck is he ?”. That’s really what it is .

The councillor} Well, how do you know ?. Something might happen later on. It’s early days still, but if you keep at it, that might be you one day . Never say never .

Richard} Will it though, will it ?. Cause I think this is absolutely pointless, everyone keeps saying that I’ve got something special in me, I don’t see anything. I will never be as good as those geezers. Those geezers are the real deal. They’ve been doing it for years, they know how it goes .

The councillor} Well, they’ve been doing it for a long time, You don’t get it straight away. How do you think they all did it then ?. When they were all newbies, do you think they were like ” Oh forget this, this is rubbish, I’m never gonna do this again, it’s pointless ”, no they didn’t, they stuck with it and now look. They are the most successful film directors out there today. The key is to never give up, even if you think it’s not going well, stick with it because you never know. I think you’ll find it gets better with time and practise. The more you work on something, the more hard work and effort you put into your work, the more you make progress .

Richard} Right well, I wish I could believe that. I don’t have any brain cells left. I have one brain cell, the rest have washed away back to bloody secret land of brain cells.

The councillor} Richard, what I’ve been meaning to tell you is that you’ve gotta stop doubting yourself. You’ve been doing this for ages now and I don’t like it. All this wasted talent, all this wasted potential. Where’s it all gone ?. And now you’re saying that you can’t do it .

Richard} Well yeah, that’s right, I can’t . I can’t do shit. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t act. I’m shit at everything. Where’s the talent ?, I can’t see any talent .

The councillor} Yeah, but you can write though. And that’s just as good as everything else. Writers are talented too. Singers and actors are not the only ones who are talented. Hey, let me tell you something. The ones who go into acting, singing and dancing, they don’t start off amazing and perfect, it takes training, years and years of training . What about Shirley Bassey ?. She can sing, boy can she sing ?. But when she began her career, she wasn’t perfect. It takes hard work and courage .

Richard} Well no it’s not. Shirley Bassey had range. She was perfect from start to finish, she was born a star, she had everything . Me ?, not so much, I’m hardly James Taylor, I’m more like Roberto Blanco. I’m like the guy in the back of the bar who gets mistaken for some other famous guitar player . Why go up to Mr no good for nothing Asshole when you have Niel Diamond in front of you .

The councillor} Richard, you’ve gotta stop comparing yourself to other people, that’s a mistake that everyone keeps making. You have to focus on yourself .

Richard} Oh shut up. Focus on myself ?. I can’t hold a bloody tune. You ask me to sing uptone and accapella, I’ll sing bloody gospel instead. Working on myself is not gonna do shit . It’s somewhat easier if you have all these resources, things that you can turn to, but with me, I don’t have much. I’m nothing, I don’t have a purpose. Yeah, I can write scripts but I can’t knock anyone’s socks off, not yet anyway. It’s bloody pointless. What’s the point of that, what’s the point of this, what’s the point of anything. You’re not gonna go and stop this stranger in the street to listen to your bloody screenplay . All they’re interested in is going home. And you’re not gonna chase them and make a scene, make everything and everyone think you are mad. I don’t see a point in that .

The councillor} But Richard, what if people are interested in you ?.

Richard} Oh yeah right, dream on, dream on. You’d wanna be interested in me ?. What, a unqualified man writes screenplays and reads them to bloody lamposts, yeah, why would they be interested ?.

The councillor} You know what ?. I think the problem here is that you’re not confident in yourself. You seem to doubt yourself .

Richard} Well yeah I do, because I can’t do anything right. There’s no point in being confident, I’m not proud of any of this. Why would I be proud of it ?. What, the man on the moon in a far far far away land. Who is fascinated in other moons. The man can’t get off of the moon because he is known as the man on the moon. Probably one of the worst stories I have ever wrote in my entire life. Would you wanna know the man who lives on the moon ?. I am so tired of this shit, man, I’m exausted, I am pissed off. I don’t wanna do this anymore. Where am I gonna go with this ?. It’s just like saying that I write stories and scripts and all is well now but in a few years time, I’m gonna be sweeping the bloody streets. There’s no point in being confident, I have nothing to begin with .

The councillor} Look ok. You have to stop being hard on yourself. God knows where you will be in a few years time. You might be doing something really exciting .

Richard} No, I’m probably gonna be a toilet cleaner or something. I’m gonna be picking up massive pieces of shit, ohh, this one is crunchier, I’ll save that one for later, I’ll get someone else to clean it for me. Bloody crap, man .

The councillor} Richard, don’t start this off again. I thought I told you to be positive .

Richard} What’s the point ?, what’s the point of being positive ?.

The councillor} When you’re positive, good things happen.

Richard} Well no, nothing good happens anyway. Every day I try to be positive and bad shit happens to me, so really, I just give up. The whole thing is a fantasy. You’ve been brainwashed by other people. Positivity and spirituality are created by middle class women. They’re the ones who had money growing up, their parents are rich, they had no problems, they have a stress free life. Ok, they’re fine, but what about us ?, we’re bloody dying over here. To the lord and Jesus Christ, You’re taking that shit on board ?. Positivity . What a fucking liberty . What a load of old shit .

The councillor} Look. I know that things are hard for you, but when the going gets tough, the tough gets going .

Richard} What ?. What are you on about, sir ?.

The councillor} I’m just saying, I’m saying .

Richard} No no, you’re coming up me saying that when the tough gets going, da da da da, I don’t know what you’re bloody on about .

The councillor} It’s a saying, it’s an old saying .

Richard} What, is that made up by middle class women as well ?.

The councillor} What ?. No of course not, what’s all this hatred against the upper middle class ?.

Richard} I don’t bloody know . They are the ones who are making everyone’s lives utter miserable, they have everything served to them on a silver platter, whilst we out here eating shit .

The councillor} Look ok. I’m trying to say that whatever it is, it’s gonna be tough, because life is tough, but if you really believe in something, go for it. It’s all gonna be over in a flash, so enjoy it while it’s still here. What do you wanna do, Richard ?.

Richard} I wanna be a film director !!! .

The councillor} What do you wanna do ?. I can’t hear you. Say it loud and clear .

Richard} I wanna be a film director !!! .

The councillor} Yes Richard, you tell em. And what else are you gonna do ?.

Richard} I’m gonna be big and I’m gonna blow everyone’s minds with my work even if it’s shit .

The councillor} Fantastic, and that’s what you gotta do, you have to dive head first into the fire. You have to sacrifice .

Richard} Right well, I feel a lot better now, cheers .

The councillor} Great. Oh and just one more thing. If you wanna be an artist of any kind, you have to be passionate, you have to really believe in yourself. It’s art and not everyone’s gonna get it,  but if you like it, then that’s all what matters. So, if you really believe in this, Richard, finish it. Put it out in the world and you can have bloody posters if you want. Anything to let people know that you can create art. So Richard, go out there and kill it. I believe in you, Richard, I know that you can do this .

Richard} Ok, I’ll give it a go .

The councillor} Brilliant, fantastic. Now, off you go, and show the world what art really is . { Richard walks out and cheers in the hallway}

The councillor} Hah, silly boy . { He says to himself}

End of script

Two Hours Of Guff, Script No 10, Leather Face !!!!

{Warning, script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room, There, in Daniel’s hands is a very peculiar looking thing and Sam is paranoid}

Sam} Oh my bloody god, what is that ?, what is that ?. Daniel, what is that ?.

Daniel} What, this ?, oh, it’s a Sensanarium Valhalla mask .

Sam} What the fuck is that ?, what on earth is a Sensanumvita Valhalla mask ?.

Daniel} It’s a new arrival. It’s kinda like my new friend. I include this new object as a part of the family .

Sam} No no no, what, that thing ?. Are you taking the piss, Daniel ?. You can’t own a thing like that in a place like this .

Daniel} What, I like it though . I find it relatable, I can really resonate with this mask .

Charlie} Yeah, I can see the simularities between the two .

Daniel} Oh shut up, you bloody racist !!!! .

Sam} Danny, why are you so obsessed with that mask ?.

Daniel} I love it, I breathe it, it’s my pride and joy .

Timothy} Right well in that case, I’m glad you have found something that’s right for you, Daniel . Good for you .

Charlie} Why are you acting as if this is normal ?. It’s not normal .

Timothy} Because Charlie, I don’t even know what’s normal anymore, normal doesn’t exist. Believe me, I live with a friend who believes that rabbit shit falls from the sky, surely it can’t get any worse .

Charlie} Oh god, not that again .

Timothy} Yes that again .

Charlie} No. You scarred me for life. I still have nightmares every night. Why did you do that ?.

Daniel} Oh come on, surely you would have noticed that it wasn’t real shit, it was cacao nibs .

Charlie} Oh get out of it. That looked like real shit to me .

Sam} Cacao nibs ?, where the fuck did you get them from ?.

Daniel} In Tescos. They sell them for like 50p. They’re nice though. They are miky, they are sweet, it’s real chocolate . { Charlie gretches and feels sick}

Charlie} I hate you, you know ?. You made me non existent to Cacao nibs .

Daniel} Hey, you’re lucky it was just cacao nibs .

Charlie} Where the fuck are you gonna find a rabbit anyway ?.

Daniel} Oh, I’ll get a rabbit and then I’m gonna get it out of the cage and then I’m gonna make shit pissing against the wind . I know that you want it, Charlie, I’ll get you big chungus .

Sam} What’s big Chungus ?, is it like a power supply ?.

Daniel} You wish it was a power supply .

Charlie} You traumatized me for months. Chucking that bloody shite out of the window. I ran across the street, then I bumped into Misses Watson along the way. She looked at me like I was mad .

Daniel} Yeah, perhaps you are mad .

Charlie} No, you are mad. You’re the one who chucked bloody cacao nibs at me from a nearby window .

Timothy} You’re both mad. You’re mad for scaring Misses Watson and you’re mad for assaulting Charlie with really shit chocolate .

Charlie} Yeah you’re right, it was shit. When I was running around, some of it went in my mouth .

Sam} Er god. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse .

Timothy} I think when you know how mad Daniel is, whatever happens, You know it can’t get any worse. I’ve known him for three years now, honestly, it just can’t . He’s mad and he doesn’t even have to try .

Daniel} Thank you, Timothy, I’m flattered .

Sam} Whatever you do, Daniel, just don’t put that mask on. I’m gonna have a bloody heart attack .

{ Daniel puts the mask on and he scares Sam}

Sam} Ehhhh, No, bloody no. What is that thing, man ?. Looks like bloody Truscan. Where did you find it, under a bridge ?. Did you find it in a bloody cave .

Daniel} No, they sell them in the pound shop .

Sam} The same place you found the cacao nibs ?.

Daniel} No, that was Tescos .

Sam} What is Tescos ?.

Daniel} Oh my god. Are you being serious ?. How do you not know what Tescos is ?.

Sam} Well, I don’t go shopping that often, do I ?. I’m stuck indoors half the time. You’re the one who goes out and gets the milk .

Daniel} Oh yeah, that’s true. But yeah, I got this mask from the pound shop. They had a shit ton of masks. They had ghost face, they had Saw, they had random goblin man, then they had Leather Face .

Charlie} What on earth is a Leather face ?.

Daniel} You know the man with a chainsaw ?.

Charlie} Um no, I don’t think it was a man .

Daniel} Well, it was something anyway .

Charlie} Are you taking the piss, Daniel ?. So you’re saying that Leather Face is a human man ?, that thing is no man, I’m telling you . If you saw them walking down the street, a normal man and Leather face, you’d know the difference . You can never confuse Leather Face with an actual human .

Timothy} Well no, if I saw him walking down the street, I’d probably turn the other way .

Daniel} Yeah, don’t say that, Timothy. You have to be careful because he’s going to come here and he’s gonna bring that bloody chainsaw .

Timothy} Yeah, can I move, by any chance ?. I think I might move house .

Daniel} It doesn’t matter if you move or not, Leather face will always know where you live .

Timothy} Right, cheers Daniel, thanks for scaring me .

Daniel} I wasn’t trying to scare you, Timothy, I was just trying to make you become more self aware .

Timothy} Yeah well, good job, well done. You have took the meaning and you flipped it on it’s head . I am more aware of the self, and unfortunatly, the self is terrified of me .

Daniel} Oh bollocks, how can the self be scared of you ?.

Timothy} It’s cos you just scared the living crap out of me with bloody Leather face. It’s all in my head now, the image is stuck in my head. I just wish I could erase my memory and start all over .

Sam} Right, so how do you think babies feel then ?. The minute they are out of the womb, they are exposed to all sorts of weird shit. So when you’re born, imagine this is the first thing you see, it’s bloody horrifying. Half melted face man with chainsaw. Huhhh, kill me now. { Starts singing} ” It’s a whole new world, friendly faces, smiles, and a bloody Leather Face with a chainsaw ”. ” Help me please, help me ”.

Timothy} No but they can’t see straight away. It takes time for them to gain sight, it’s all blurry at first, they can’t see until later on .

Charlie} Who the fuck is gonna let Leather Face into a hospital anyway ?.

Sam} Oh, you could easily confuse Leather Face with one of the midwives in the ward.

Timothy} Oh get out. You seriously want someone like Leather Face delivering your newborn daughters and sons. No wonder why kids have problems later on when they get older . Bloody hell, first world problems down to a crisp. Makes you wonder .

Daniel} It’s a boy . { Tries to wind him up}

Sam} Shut up .

Charlie} How did we even stumble upon this conversation ?, I swear, we were talking about cacao nibs a while ago, how did we start talking about this ?.

Sam} No, don’t talk about Cacao nibs again, don’t talk about it, they’re both bloody weird .

Timothy} We started this conversation by talking about rabbit droppings and cacao nibs, now we’re talking about getting stalked by Leather face, now, how the fuck did we get there ?.

Daniel} I dunno, that’s just what nattering is about, I guess .

Timothy} Nattering ?.

Daniel} Yeah nattering. It’s where you tunnel through different subjects without any proper introduction .

Timothy} Oh ok. So is that what we’re doing then ?. Are we nattering ?.

Daniel} Yep .

Timothy} Alright then .

Sam} You know, there’s just something about Leather face. You know, the nuance of it all, it really catches the eye . The geezer’s a nutcase though, imagine chasing someone with a chainsaw .

Everyone} Ughhhhhh .

{ A few minutes later, Timothy and Sam are chatting}

Timothy} Oi Sam . I’m just gonna pop out to speak to the neighbor real quick, do you wanna come with me ?.

Sam} Um ok, yeah if you want to .

Timothy} Ok cool.

Sam} Speaking of the neighbor, have you ever met him ?.

Timothy} We say hello from time to time but we don’t really see each other often. He’s the man who keeps himself to himself.

Sam} Ah ok. But you’re knocking, I don’t want him to see me first, he’s weird like that .

Timothy} Yeah no he’s fine, come on .

{ They walk outside}

Sam} Ooh, look at how big his door is, are you seeing this, Timothy ?, looks like a bloody church .

Timothy} Sam, shush . { Timothy knocks on the door and the door opens by itself}

Timothy} Well that’s weird. The door just opened by itself. Is anyone in ?.

Sam} Timothy, I don’t like this, I don’t like this .

Timothy} Sam, just walk, it’s fine. There’s no one here. Oh wait a minute, there’s someone there. I’m gonna go and ask him, maybe he’ll know .

{ He walks up to the man who’s hiding in the shadow}

Timothy} Hi there, um, sorry to bother you but would it be alright if you just . { Then he turns around and he sees Leather Face} ” Ahhhhhh, bloody hell, bloody hell. Sam !!, Sam !! .

Leather face} Pkkkk, Leather Face !!!!! .

End of script

Update}

The boys were terrorized by Leather Face looking bitch. They made it out of there just in time right before he could catch them. Now, they all know why he kept quiet. What’s worse is that they have to go home now and Daniel’s gonna talk shit about it for hours. Timothy is now traumatized and he hid Daniel’s mask. They got jumped by Leather face. That moment will haunt him forever .

 

 

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 9, In The Thick Of It

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room}

Timothy} You know what ?. I’ve always wondered, are we alone on this planet ?.

Charlie} Of course not. We are accompanied by thousands of other humans. Why do you think we’re alone ?. What on earth makes you think that we’re alone, Timothy ?.

Timothy} I’m not talking about humans, I’m talking about aliens. What if, look, so imagine, imagine that we’re a small specticle on the horizon, and then, you see hundreds other little dots around us, then what ?. That gives you the indication to say that we’re not alone, doesn’t it ?. We’re not alone on this planet. No one can tell me otherwise .

Daniel} Well no, this is shit, the whole thing’s a bloody fluke. We are the only ones living here. The little specticles that you see, which is like 69 %, so there for, they are not aliens, they are just tiny dots. So don’t waste your time with these stupid theories, cause you’re not gonna get anywhere with it .

Sam} How do you know that aliens are not real ?. You speak so much shit, man. You can clearly see the tiny dots .

Daniel} They’re not alien specticles though .

Sam} What are they then ?. If they’re not alien specticles, what are they ?. Okay, Jeff Bezoz, tell us all, how could they possibly not be aliens ?.

Daniel} Well, I know for a fact that they are not proof of aliens, they are rabbit droppings .

Sam} What, shit dropping from the sky ?, are you mad ?.

Daniel} Well yeah, that’s what it is, I know it’s that. I’ve seen them myself .

Charlie} Oh shut up. Eximent doesn’t fall from the sky, we all know that. Don’t jump the shark, oh bloody hell, you already jumped the shark .

Timothy} You can’t tell me that it’s not. They already declared it on Nasa .

Sam} Right well, whoever came up with that shit deserves to be fired. I’m sorry, they just declared bullshit. How the fuck can that be ?. People are sick. It’s a sick world we’re living in, sick world .

Daniel} Are you insulting me ?.

Sam} What ?.

Daniel} You just said that whoever came up with that theory is a bullshit gatherer. Why did you say that ?.

Sam} Wait, bullshit gatherer ?, what . What the bloody hell are you on about ?. I never said bullshit gatherer. Oi Charlie, did you hear me say bullshit gatherer ?.

Charlie} Nah, to be honest, I don’t know what you say sometimes. You leave me below the lines of absolutely clueless .

Sam} Why are you bloody defensive over these Nasa shisters ?.

Daniel} Oh, it’s probably because I was the one who came out with the theory, therefore you insult me .

Sam} Why the bloody hell would you come out with a theory like that ?. Fucking hell, you make the world believe that clouds shit .

Daniel} They already shit, it’s called rain, ever hear of it ?.

Sam} That’s not shit, that’s piss. When you shit, water doesn’t come out, doesn’t it ?.

Timothy} What point are you trying to make ?.

Sam} The point is that shit doesn’t fall from the sky, it never has. And the point is that you’re a fucking nut case. And speaking of aliens, I already know they exist, we all know that Daniel is an alien, you’re just scared to say .

Daniel} And, why am I an alien ?.

Sam} Because you believe that clouds shit . You’re a mentalist .

Charlie} Woooo, Daniel’s a mentalist, and I believe him, we’re all mentalists. Ah, this is just brilliant, I love this day. Don’t know how we all got here through .

Sam} Charlie, shush .

Charlie} I don’t care what anybody says. Daniel thinks that the sky shits. He’s a maniac. Why do you think that the sky shits, Daniel ?. What do you have to say ?.

Daniel} I mean, what’s there to say. I know that rabbit droppings fall from the sky, I’ve seen it countless countless times before, I can show you if you’d like ?.

Timothy} No Daniel, why would I want to see shit falling from the sky, why would anyone want to see shit falling from the sky ?. You’re sick, man, sick .

Charlie} If you wanna see shit, why don’t you just go to the toilet?. There’s a shit load there, I’m telling you .

Sam} Just stop saying shit .

Timothy} Yeah, I think we’ve all had enough of each other’s shit .

Sam} Look, I’m gonna go mad here, I can’t stand this talk about shit, I just can’t stand it. I need to clear my head, I really do. You know, sometimes I forget that we all live in the same house . I live with this man who believes that shit falls from the sky. Yeah, I even I can’t believe it . { He walks out of the room}

Timothy} Oi, where are you going, Sam ?.

Sam} I’m going somewhere .

Timothy} Right, somewhere .

Daniel} Oi Charlie, do you wanna watch a documentary with me ?.

Charlie} Yeah, it better not be about rogue spacemen and shit inducing clouds .

Daniel} Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s not that. I found something even better .

{ A few minutes later, they’re watching the documentary. Turns out, they’re watching the really shit Nasa documentary about rabbit droppings falling from the sky. Daniel is laughing his head off and Sam is just downwright fed up and annoyed}

Charlie} What the fuck, man ?. It’s that bloody Nasa documentary. Why do you have to lie to me ?.

Daniel} You knew what I was planning all along .

Charlie} No, no, I’m watching that bloody documentary, man, don’t show it to me, Daniel, ok, I’m going, I’m going, bye .

Daniel} Wait, before you go, here we are. { He plays the clip again, Daniel starts laughing}

Charlie} Oh what’s that ?, oh god. { He leaves} ” Where did you find that thing, man ?, bloody hell ”.

{ A few minutes later, Charlie walks outside and he starts seeing these weird specticles falling from the sky}

Charlie} Oh shit. No no no no no Noooooooo !!!! . { Then he runs down the street}

{ Then, you can see Daniel chucking a bunch of cocao nibs at him from above}

End of script}

 

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 8, The Survival Of The Crap TV Shows

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting in the sitting room, they’re all watching TV, Sam has been driven mad by a random day time television programme, nobody knows why}

Sam} Oh my god, how many times are you gonna put that bloody programme on ?.

Charlie} What, it’s good .

Sam} No it’s not, what, these people talk shit for hours. That geezer looks like he’s about to piss himself. How is this shit still on TV ?.

Charlie} Sam, what’s your idea of a day time television programme ?. If you think you’re so clever .

Sam} No bullshit, class, and it actually being entertaining. Not this shit, creates the buzz of a dead bee, that room alone. And, what are they talking about, Kitchen appliances?, fucking dregs . Where’s all the proper entertainment, where are the laughs, the roar of the studios, everyone working as a team, putting out quality entertainment, where’s the energy, where’s all the proper information. We used to have good art on TV before, not this fucking dross .

Daniel} Sam, you don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to. Switch it off if you don’t like it .

Sam} Hm, I wish I could . Wouldn’t that be great ?.

Charlie} Sam, please don’t do this to yourself. I hate it just as much as you do.

Sam} Right, then why don’t you change it then ?. { Charlie freezes}

Charlie} Yeah you’re right, I could just change it. But then again, I can’t because I gave the remote control to Timothy and he probably chucked it out of the window by now .

Timothy} Why on earth would I chuck the remote control out of the window ?. My own remote control .

Sam} Because TV is shit, and I’m bored . { Sam pulls out gun and starts firing gunshots at all the walls and on the ceiling}

Sam} Bored, bored, bored, bored . { Turns around and fires the gunshots and damages the walls in the house}

Charlie} Woah man, what the fuck ?.

Sam} I’m bored, this is unbelievably boring !! .

Timothy} I know, Sam, I know that you’re bored, you’re bored, he’s bored, we’re all bored. I’m bored too, but do you see me going crazy ?.

Sam} No, you seem to be handling it like a champ .

Timothy} Well then. Put the gun away and sit down .

Sam} Ok then fine, sorry . { He puts it away and doesn’t bring it out anymore} { Daniel and Charlie are transfixed by what’s on the TV}

Daniel} Oo, I like his headphones, are they like vintage ?.

Charlie} I think so .

Daniel} Wicked . It’s wicked, man . I might look into buying some one of these days .

Timothy} Right, so is no one gonna talk about the fact about Sam has got a gun ?.

Daniel} Honestly, nothing surprises me anymore, the man’s a psycho. I’m not surprised if Sam owns a shooter. He shouldn’t. God no, hell no .

Charlie} Yeah, and yet you’re allowing it to happen by letting him own one .

Daniel} It’s not my fault he’s a lunatic. Might as well lock him up. He’s like this close to getting sectioned . He might be here today but he won’t be here tomorrow, I’m telling you .

Timothy} Oi shut up everyone. Are You A Therapist ? is on and there’s this man who looks like a pirate .

Sam} Oo, now we’re talking. Oh yes, now this is what I call television .

Daniel} Nah man, what is this, the dark web ?. Who is that geezer, man ?, looks like Shivrer . { Shivrer means pirate in Norwegian, the reference is from a norwegian version of Lazy Town}

Sam} You’re a Shivrer .

{ Charlie starts singing to wind him up}

Charlie} Hai Hai Timeldabee, do you want to sail the seven seas. do what you want as a pirate as a pirate a free, you are a Shivrer. Hai Hai timbeldabee, da na na na na na na na na na, da.

Timothy} No no, don’t sing that bloody song, you make it worse .

Charlie} Now I’m making it worse, now, now I’m making it worse . You told me stop singing but you wound me up and now I’ve made it worse .

Timothy} Shuttttttt . { In a Greek accent as he suddenly switches}

Daniel} Can someone change the channel, please . I’m not gonna watch this mad senile sailor recall his past traumas whilst sailing the seven seas. Is there anything else on ?.

Timothy} Uh yeah, there’s this programme about cooking. There’s that if you want ?.

Daniel} Yeah that’s alright, sounds decent .

Sam} I cooked once .

Charlie} Really, Sam ?. So, tell me about it. Were you Willy Wonka or was you an Oompa Loompa ?.

Sam} Oh shut up, don’t take the piss. I think I’m alright with my cooking. Personally, I’m no Raymond Blanc or Jamie Oliver, but I think I’m okay .

Daniel} Nah, man, you can’t cook. You do like food poker in the kitchen .

Sam} What the fuck is food poker ?.

Daniel} What, you don’t know food poker ?. You’ve been doing it your whole life. How do you not know it ?. Don’t be daft .

Sam} What is it exactly ?.

Daniel} It’s where you try to make something but you don’t follow a recipe, you just wing it. So you go, so you go, ” I have an onion and then in the other hand, I have a zultana}. Two ingredients that don’t have any insignificance with each other and you see what you can make out of it . But it’s like, what can you make out of it ?. What can you make out of an onion and some zultanas ?.

Sam} You can make shit .

Charlie} Hm, I don’t think I’d want to that, you know ?. Don’t think I’d want to be near food ever again .

Daniel} Well, that’s too bad .

Sam} What the fuck is that ?.

Daniel} It’s an onion and a handful of zultanas . { Charlie curls up into a ball and tries to get away from Daniel}

Charlie} Ehhhhhh .

Daniel} You love onions and Zultanas, don’t you ?.

Charlie} Yes but not together. I like onions, they’re fine, Zultanas, on the other hand, no. Zultanas can fuck off .

Daniel} I’m gonna have to disagree with you there, Charlie. Zultanas are just as good as onions .

Sam} Zultanas ?. Fuck no, why would anyone want to eat them ?.

Daniel} Because it’s food, food . Look at this, um, it’s yum, it’s delish . It’s sweet, it’s tender, it’s everything. Oo, what about this one ?, hm, this one’s crunchy, I think I might save it for later.

Charlie} God, please save us both .

Daniel} Oi Charlie, do you want some ?. I can give you some if you want, I only had like half .

Charlie} Fuck no, I don’t want that, bloody zultanas. You’re not gonna make us eat it, are you ?.

Daniel} Maybe .

Charlie} No no no. God no !!! .

Daniel} Here, lovely. You want a little nibble, just have a nibble . { Makes Charlie eat some}

Charlie} No, I don’t want it, go away . { He tries to move away}

Daniel} It’s really nice, man .

Charlie} What does it taste like ?.

Daniel} It doesn’t have a taste, Charlie. Whatever it is, you can hardly taste it. You know what it tastes like ?, it tastes like rasins. It tastes like raisins .

Charlie} Oh is it ?, oh ok, I’ll try it then. I don’t mind rasins it’s deights I don’t like.

Daniel} Yeah yeah yeah, just eat it .

Charlie} Hah, I can’t believe we’re doing this, it’s silly, isn’t it ?.

Daniel} Yeah, you know what ?. I had this idea. I had this idea where I have the Zultanas and you have the onion, but that idea has gone to shit, now it’s the other way around, you’re gonna have both and I’m gonna have nothing . How mad am I ?, how mad am I ?, haha, eat it . { Switches and gets agressive suddenly}

{ Charlie tries a Zultana}

Charlie} Hm, hm . { Sam tries one as well and he keeps silent in the back round and doesn’t say anything}

Daniel} What do you think, Sam ?.

Sam} Yeah it’s nice. { He makes a face, it’s telling us that he doesn’t really like it}

Charlie} You know what ?. It’s not as bad as I was expecting. It just tastes like raisins.

Sam} Yeah they’re really nice, you know ?. Hm .

{ A few minutes later, they’re all being sick}

Charlie, Sam and Daniel} Euhhhhhhhh . { Gretching}

Sam} What was that ?.

Charlie} I don’t know .

Timothy} Wait, hold on, why didn’t you eat the onion ?. You brought in the zultanas and the onion, you ate the zultanas but you didn’t eat the onion. Why ?.

{ Daniel stares at Timothy}

Daniel} You can have it if you want .

Timothy} No, I don’t think I’d want to.

Daniel} No no, here we are, have a bit of onion. Eat it, eat it, eat the bloody onion. Food !!, Fud, eat the food .

Timothy} Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. { He eats a bit}

{ A few minutes later, he runs into the bathroom and he starts being sick as well}

{ Daniel starts laughing}

Daniel} I’m guessing he loved it .

Sam} Come on, I think we’d better leave him to it. { They leave}

{ Next morning, Daniel wakes up to find that there’s an onion hanging down from his ceiling and it’s got zultanas in it}

Daniel} Ahhhhhhh .

End of script

Two Hours Of Guff, Script 7, Shoes !!!!

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room}

Charlie} Oi Daniel, do you believe in ghosts ?.

Daniel} Well, I mean, scientifically, yeah. They’re probably out there somewhere. Not like I’ve seen them myself .

Charlie} No like, really. Do you believe in ghosts ?.

Daniel} Um no .

Charlie} I believe in ghosts, hell yeah I believe in them. I see them on a daily basis. They live in Timothy’s house and they’re in the sitting room right now .

Sam} Oi, if I were a ghost, I’d thrash your bottom, Charlie .

Charlie} Hm hm, you’re gonna have to catch me first. I’d jump off the balcony, first thing .

Daniel} You don’t need to be a ghost in order to do that, you can do it now if you’d like .

Charlie} No you’re bloody not. Otherwise, I might turn into a ghost for real. Then, I’ll cause a bloody massacre in this house, then I’ll make like kebabs .

Timothy} Hey Charlie. If I were one of your party guests, I’d leave straight away. I’ll leave a trail of shit behind me, then you get Sherlock Holmes to investigate your death .

Sam} Nah, I don’t think he’d wanna get involved. If I were him, I’d run a mile. You would come alive and start singing Hocus Pocus and you’d scare the absolute shit out of everyone and everything .

Charlie} Yep yep, that sounds like my ideal death . Fall unconcious and then I wake up and I start singing Hocus Pocus. That’s a great death. I want that, I need that. That’s my jam .

Daniel} Yeah, be careful what you wish for .

Charlie} We’re all gonna die someday, my strange child. It’s just a matter of how and when .

Sam} Right, stop it, you’re scaring me now .

Charlie} I’m not trying to scare you, Sam .

Sam} Yeah but you are. You don’t have any right in being this deep .

Charlie} Oh, it’s fine, Sam. Death is a natural part of life. I’m not being deep, I’m just telling the truth. Not everything is gonna be deep, Sam, you have to know that . Death is neutral, I die, you die, your cat will die, we all die. Death !!!, death is coming, death is here, death is outside. Ooh, who’s that knocking on the door ?, oh yes, it’s death . We’re all gonna die, my friend . One day, you’re gonna be fine and then one day, you’re gonna find yourself in a ditch .

Sam} Charlie, shut up !! .

Charlie} Wow ok, looks like someone’s afraid of death .

Sam} I’m not scared of death, okay ?, move on.

Timothy} Oi Daniel. don’t put your feet up on the sofa .

Daniel} Why not ?.

Timothy} Because your socks are dirty. You’ve been wearing the same socks for like forever . Don’t you change them at all ?.

Daniel} No I bloody don’t, I don’t have that many socks to wear. I don’t have a choice, do I ?. What am I supposed to do, not wear socks ?.

Timothy} Daniel, don’t put your feet on the sofa, alright ?. I’m the one who makes the rules around here, I’m the one who tells you what to do. It’s my house and I live here .

Daniel} Oh piss off .

Timothy} Your socks are dirty, Daniel. They can make dirt.

Daniel} But I don’t have any other socks, what do you want me to do ?.

Timothy} Just get them off the sofa .

Daniel} But I can’t though .

Timothy} Yes you can, just don’t put your feet up .

Daniel} That’s not possible, mate .

Timothy} Yes it is .

Daniel} No it’s not, no it’s not .

Timothy} Of course it is .

Daniel} No it’s not .

Timothy} Yes it is .

Daniel} No it’s not. What’s it to you if I put my feet up on the sofa and gather dust ?.

Timothy} It’s everything, just listen to what I say .

Daniel} No it’s not, you clearly have no idea .

Timothy} Yes, I think you’ll find that I do .

Daniel} No you don’t, no you don’t . You fucking sock !!! .

Timothy} How dare you, how dare you call me a sock . You bloody shoe !!! .

Daniel} Right well, at least shoes are useful, I don’t wear socks .

Timothy} So, what are those then ?, what are those ?.

Daniel} You’re not supposed to bloody look down, you cheat .

Sam} Look, can one of you just leave the room, please . If you say anything about shoes and socks one more time, I’m gonna go mad, I swear to god, I’m gonna bring the bloody house down .

Daniel} Right well in that case, go and ask Timothy, he’s the one who started this whole thing in the first place. You talking about bloody shoes .

Timothy} Look, if you didn’t put your feet up on the sofa, I wouldn’t have said anything .

Daniel} You should have never said anything anyway.

Timothy} Oh you fucking . { He chucks a shoe at Daniel, Daniel gets knocked out and he falls to the ground}

Charlie} The Shoes !!!! .

Sam} Wait, hold on, did you just say that I had a cat ?, how do you know I had a cat ?.

{ They stare at each other}

End of script