Two Hours Of Guff, Script 6, Rodeo Man And The Bloody Racists

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

First scene, everyone’s sitting down, Daniel is singing, nobody knows why}

Daniel} Ooo, the fields are gold, the grass is green. Horrr, I am the lord of the duraniams .

Charlie} Bloody duraniams .

Sam} Daniel, what are you bloody doing ?.

Daniel} I’m singing .

Timothy} Yeah, no shit sherlock .

Sam} I know but, why are you singing ?.

Daniel} I don’t know, I guess I’d just sing today. It’s a beautiful day here, it’s a beautiful day . The sun is shining, the birds are singing . { Then, he starts singing again} ” The sun on my shoulders make me happy ”. { Then, Charlie chucks a slipper at Daniel}

Charlie} Ow, fucking hell .

Sam} Oh bloody hell, can someone get this man a fucking fanta !!! .

Daniel} I don’t want a Fanta, I want to sing .

Sam} You can’t sing here, you’d bring the house down .

Daniel} oo, Ok, hello fun police. Where the fuck did you come from, Kowloon ?.

Sam} No, I came from Kwok Man .

Charlie} What the fuck is Kwok Man ?.

Daniel} What, you never heard of the triads ?, 1970s in China Town. That’s where all that shit went on .

Charlie} The Triads ?. What on earth ?. But wait, what’s that got to do with Sam ?.

Daniel} I didn’t say that Sam was a triad. I said that he was a fun police that possibly came from Kowloon. He was the one who came out with all that triad shit. I had nothing to do with it. Ask him .

Sam} I don’t even know what you’re on about. I didn’t say anything about triads .

Daniel} Oh yeah, no you didn’t, because everything is corrupted . No one knows what they’re on about. But one minute, the sky is blue, no it’s bloody not, it’s pink . House Of The Rising Sun isn’t about a rising sun, it’s about life in a working class village. Oh, wait, but no, you can’t say that, I’m gonna have to put you down . Shut up, you bloody racist !!!! .

Charlie} What the fuck just happened ?.

Timothy} See, all of that wouldn’t have happened if Daniel stopped singing .

Sam} No it’s not. He’s mad. Every once in a while, he has an outburst . The man’s a psycho, a real psycho .

Daniel} Don’t call me a psycho. I’ve seen all of you lot do the exact same thing. Probably even worse than anything I’ve just said and done .

Timothy} I agree to disagree with you on that one, if I’m being honest with you. None of us have said such a thing. We know our bounderies .

Sam} Right, well, you can start with your thing since you’re the one who started this whole thing .

Daniel} You fucking idiot . Hidious, hidious. Rodeo Man over there, these two Ancient fucks. The fucking crow boy . { Points at Timothy} . ” The bloody racists ”.

Charlie} Harrrrrrrrr. { He does it in a high pitched voice and he dances with his arms out to try and wind him up}

Timothy} You bloody twat of a man. How dare you frame me like that. You’re the one who had the outburst, you’re the one who said some offensive tripe .

Daniel} Oh my god, you don’t understand, do you ?. You think everything that comes out of my mouth is downright offensive. I didn’t do anything wrong .

Timothy} I know but Daniel, you’ve done some really stupid stuff in your time .

Daniel} Yeah right, says the man who shat in a swimming pool and said that it was god’s way of thanking us . Eximent !!!, bloody shite .

Timothy} Oh my god, that was one time. I look back at it now and I realize how stupid it was .

Charlie} Oh my god, can we just shut up. Timothy, Daniel, you’re both racist, alright ?, end of .

Timothy} Ahhhh, you bloody . { They both start fighting}

Sam} Aw shit. Fucking hell, bloody shit .

{ Then, Charlie starts singing whilst Timothy and Daniel are doing each other in}

Charlie} Ahhh, I am the lord of the sunken city. One of which, I got in and I sunk the ship, oh what a waste . { Then he stops} ” Hur, can someone call an ambulance, please ”.

End of script