Two Hours Of Guff, Script no 4, Bring On The Dancing Horses

{Warning, script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting down. Charlie is standing on the table, nobody knows why}

Timothy} Oh my god. What the hell are you doing ?.

{ Daniel starts laughing}

Timothy} What are you doing, Charlie ?.

Charlie} What do you mean ” What am I doing ?”, I’m doing the space man jet, that’s what .

Timothy} The space man jet ?.

Sam} Well no, you’re standing on a table, more like . You’re doing the bloody toilet .

Charlie} Ahh you bloody . { He says it in a Scottish accent}

Timothy} No, Charlie mate. Please get down from there. You’re gonna fall down and you’re gonna split your head open. Turn this into a bloody hazard. The last time you did this, I had to wheel you to the intensive care unit. I couldn’t even put you in the bloody car .

Charlie} Yeah, cause you can’t bloody drive . No wonder why I fell in the first place .

Sam} Charlie, please, I can’t see the TV screen .

Charlie} You can watch me instead .

Sam} No, but I don’t want to watch you. This Morning is gonna be on in a minute. Phillip Schofield is gonna do a Rick Flair impersonation. It’s fucking brilliant .

Charlie} Hahh, you bloody gits. You don’t understand anything, do you ?. You watch, you watch, One day, I’m gonna do something revolutionary and you’re gonna die from shock .

Timothy} I tell you what you could do. This is something that would be revolutionary. You can just get off the table and sit down. That sure is revolutionary .

Charlie} Hur, oh my god .

Sam} You never will be a revelation . You can be a wastless turd though .

Charlie} I can be a wasteless turd if I wanted to, but I’d rather be a revelation than a wastless turd .

Sam} Right well, get off the table then .

Charlie} Bloody hell, sometimes I wonder wether you are a human or a fucking fossil .

Sam} Yeah so ?. Everyone’s a fossil. This planet is like two % human, 99 % fossil . And yet we are told that dinosaurs don’t exist .

Daniel} You’re gonna be a fossil in a minute if you don’t shut up .

Sam} Charlie, get down, mate, come on.

Charlie} Make me .

Sam} You bloody terror !!! .

Charlie} No, don’t you dare, don’t touch me, otherwise I’m gonna piss in your tea .

Sam} I don’t drink tea .

Timothy} Yeah you do, you liar. What’s that then ?, that’s tea, isn’t it ?.

Sam} No, that’s Angel Delight .

Timothy} What the fuck is Angel Delight ?.

Sam} It’s that pink stuff, innit ?. It’s sort of like a pink puree. Reminds me of being three and getting the flu and being bedridden for like ten days .

Timothy} Come on Sam, stop trying it .

Sam} How has it come to this ?. How are you guys going after me and not Charlie ?. I’m pretty sure that Charlie has done some awful shit in his time . And yet you’re going after me because of fucking tea. Piss off .

Charlie} Haha, you can’t come after me, Sam. You get the shit end of the stick and I get the goblet of fire at the end of the rainbow .

Sam} Hurh, that git, I bloody hate you. { He says under his breath in a high pitched voice}

Timothy} Can both of you stop ?. You’re both just as annoying. Possibly, Sam is even worse .

Sam} What ?, did you just ?. Oh my bloody god. What did I do to deserve to you lot as my friends. I’d rather make friends with a bloody horse. They can’t do anything but breathe out of their mouth and shit .

Daniel} Say no more .

{ A few minutes later, he comes in with a horse}

Timothy} Oh look, it’s father bloody Christmas .

Daniel} Christmas has come early .

Sam} What the bloody hell is that ?.

Daniel} It’s a horse. You said you wanted one, so here it is .

Sam} I didn’t mean it. When I said that, I didn’t say I wanted an actual horse  . It was a metapor, Daniel . Ever heard of a metaphor ?.

Daniel} Ahhh you bloody. You’re gonna have it anyway .

Charlie} Where did you get it from ?.

Daniel} My uncle works at a farm. I told him you wanted one and he just gave it to me.

Timothy} See Sam, now you can talk to him instead of us .

Sam} Hur, you must be joking . What, that thing ?. I’d run a mile .

Daniel} I came here all the way from my uncle’s farm to give you this bloody horse and now you don’t want it ?. You selfish git. How could you ?.

Sam} We’re not having a horse running around the house, alright ?. Having you lot over here is enough chaos as it is. We’re gonna have a horse ?.

Charlie} Oh come on, Sammy, it’s that bad. If you think about it, it’s just like having a dog .

Timothy} Yeah, one that shits a lot .

Daniel} And oh yeah, you do wanna be careful because horses can kick too. They can boot you in the face and it will send you flying. If you really love it, then wow, that’s some committment . You’re willing to put yourself in danger for a bloody horse .

Sam} I didn’t even want a horse anyway, I don’t know what you’re even on about .

Daniel} Well, you have horse. You don’t want it but you have horse .

Sam} That’s like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard someone say .

Daniel} Look, you bloody thing, man, just take the horse. My uncle made an effort, so be grateful, yeah ?.

Timothy} Do you even have an Uncle ?, I don’t remember you ever having an uncle . { Daniel stares at him} ” Don’t talk about my bloody uncle, alright ?, sutahh ”, he snaps .

Sam} Look man, I know that he’s just trying to be nice and god gave us this beautiful creatre but there’s no space, man. Where am I gonna put it ?.

Daniel} You can put it on the balcony .

Sam} What, on the balcony, are you mad ?.

Daniel} It’s the most perfect place .

Sam} No it’s bloody not .

Charlie} What balcony ?, we don’t have a balcony here, this is a house .

Daniel} Shuttttttttt .

Timothy} Wait. You said your uncle has a farm. Does he really have a farm or are you just saying that to impress us ?.

Daniel} No no no, he has a farm. It’s a small farm but it’s still a farm .

Timothy} Get out of it, really ?.

Daniel} Yeah .

Charlie} Are you sure though ?. Does he really have a farm ?.

Daniel} No he doesn’t. My uncle doesn’t have a farm, he never did .

Charlie} Right, so where did you get it from then ?.

Daniel} I stole it from the London zoo .

Charlie} You what ?.

{ Then someone from the London zoo shouts out of the window}

Woman} You bloody theif. Give us back our horse, you bloody shister .

{ Timothy punches Daniel}

{ End of Act 2, straight onto act 3}

Timothy} Great. What are we gonna do now ?. This woman knows where we live. You know what she looks like ?, she looks like that psycho woman from Misery .

Charlie} Harh, that’s who she looks like .

Daniel} Oh my god, can you just shut up ?.

Sam} You just stole a horse, you bloody fraud . What are we gonna do now ?. If the police find out, you can go to prison .

Daniel} No I’m not going to prison. I’m gonna flee the country and then I’m gonna break free, then Charlie is going to prison instead .

Charlie} I’m going to prison ?. Oh my god, well, why am I going to prison instead of you ?.

Daniel} Cause you’re an nutcase .

Timothy} um guys. You do know that that woman is outside of our house ?. She is raging. You know what ?, I think she might be my mum.

Sam} Oh bloody hell, not this again .

Charlie} This is crazy, you’re crazy. Why did you even have the urge to steal a horse from the zoo ?.

Daniel} Because, I have the American dream. I’ve always wanted to live the American dream .

Timothy} Hur, American dream, you bloody .

Sam} Ok, we’re dead. All because you led a horse into our house .

Daniel} I didn’t steal it. It followed me into the bloody house. It’s not my fault. Bloody shout at the horse .

Sam} Horses can’t talk .

Daniel} Yeah right. Says the one who wanted to talk to a horse .

Charlie} Look guys, just shut it, yeah ?. I have to listen to your shit for five hours .

{ The woman shouting outside}

Woman} Oi, come outside and explain yourselves .

Daniel} No we’re bloody not, go away .

Charlie} Right well, this is bloody brilliant .

{Act 3}

Daniel} Look. Trust me. You lot, go wait outside. I’ll stay inside with the horse. { Then he starts talking to the horse}

Daniel} Looks like it’s just you and me, horsey . Hello my strange child. I shall call you Tesco .

Sam} Oh bloody hell. Come on guys, come with me . We’ll leave him to it . Daniel’s gonna do some serious shit with Tesco or whatever the bloody hell it’s called . Oi Daniel, do you know what you’re doing ?.

Daniel} Yes I know what I’m doing .

Sam} Daniel, you do realize that you’re hanging on a tight thread ?.

Daniel} Oh shit .

Sam} It’s like right there .

Daniel} I know I know. I’ve left the country before, I know how it feels .

{ They all go outside}

Timothy} Bloody hell. You know, sometimes I wonder if that man is alright . You bloody maniac. What do you think you’re doing ?. What’s the hold up ? !!! .

Daniel} Alright, hold your horses .

Timothy} Stop saying horses .

{ Then some random old lady walks past}

Old lady} Hello .

Daniel} Howdy stranger, it’s Howza . { Struggles to keep the horse grounded and the horse is getting restless}

Old lady} Oh dear . Oh what a palava .

{ Then Daniel rides the horse and goes down the street really fast, no one knows what on earth is going on, they all just stand there}

Daniel} Ahhhhh, yee hah. Giddy up horsey. Wooo, oh bloody hell .

Timothy} Oh my god, what the hell is he doing, that geezer ?. Can someone stop him ?. { Daniel starts singing}

Daniel} Naaaaa, don’t stop me now. Born free as free as the wind blows. Arrrr, I am the lord of the . { Switches song} ” I meet you, you meet me, in the fields of barley ”. ” I am the lineman for the countyyyy, and I drive the main road ”. { He carries on singing}

Charlie} Bloody hell. Why’s he gone down there ?. Don’t go down there, oh he’s gone down there, you pillock .

Sam} Do you have any idea where he’s going ?.

Timothy} No .

Sam} Is he gonna come back ?.

Timothy} No .

Sam} Aw shit .

Charlie} Do you think he’s gonna go for a life on the farm ?.

Timothy} Possibly .

Sam} Well. That’s it then, that’s the end of Daniel. I’m gonna miss him .

Charlie} Oop, no he’s not. He’s just down there, I can see him. He’s coming back .

{ Then, you can see Daniel on the floor, he got booted off a horse}

Timothy} Ohh shit, is he alright ?. Looks like he buckled there. See, that’s what happens when you horse around .

Sam} Enough with the puns .

Charlie} Oi Daniel. are you alright down there ?.

Daniel} Yeah, I’m ok. Oof, bloody hell. You might wanna take me to the hospital though. I think I might have fractured something .

Timothy} Yeah we’ll go later .

Sam} Oh thank goodness. I thought you were gonna leave home .

Daniel} Why on earth would I leave home ?. What makes you think I would leave home ?.

Sam} Well, you were going, I don’t know where but you were going .

Daniel} I wouldn’t leave home just to work on a farm. I don’t even like animals . I never liked horses and even more now since I just got booted by one .

Charlie} Ok. Let’s go home .

Timothy} Yeah, let’s go home .

{ They walk back}

Daniel} Hey Sam, you know that horse ?.

Everyone} Ughhh .

End of script