Two Hours Of Guff, Script 7, Shoes !!!!

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room}

Charlie} Oi Daniel, do you believe in ghosts ?.

Daniel} Well, I mean, scientifically, yeah. They’re probably out there somewhere. Not like I’ve seen them myself .

Charlie} No like, really. Do you believe in ghosts ?.

Daniel} Um no .

Charlie} I believe in ghosts, hell yeah I believe in them. I see them on a daily basis. They live in Timothy’s house and they’re in the sitting room right now .

Sam} Oi, if I were a ghost, I’d thrash your bottom, Charlie .

Charlie} Hm hm, you’re gonna have to catch me first. I’d jump off the balcony, first thing .

Daniel} You don’t need to be a ghost in order to do that, you can do it now if you’d like .

Charlie} No you’re bloody not. Otherwise, I might turn into a ghost for real. Then, I’ll cause a bloody massacre in this house, then I’ll make like kebabs .

Timothy} Hey Charlie. If I were one of your party guests, I’d leave straight away. I’ll leave a trail of shit behind me, then you get Sherlock Holmes to investigate your death .

Sam} Nah, I don’t think he’d wanna get involved. If I were him, I’d run a mile. You would come alive and start singing Hocus Pocus and you’d scare the absolute shit out of everyone and everything .

Charlie} Yep yep, that sounds like my ideal death . Fall unconcious and then I wake up and I start singing Hocus Pocus. That’s a great death. I want that, I need that. That’s my jam .

Daniel} Yeah, be careful what you wish for .

Charlie} We’re all gonna die someday, my strange child. It’s just a matter of how and when .

Sam} Right, stop it, you’re scaring me now .

Charlie} I’m not trying to scare you, Sam .

Sam} Yeah but you are. You don’t have any right in being this deep .

Charlie} Oh, it’s fine, Sam. Death is a natural part of life. I’m not being deep, I’m just telling the truth. Not everything is gonna be deep, Sam, you have to know that . Death is neutral, I die, you die, your cat will die, we all die. Death !!!, death is coming, death is here, death is outside. Ooh, who’s that knocking on the door ?, oh yes, it’s death . We’re all gonna die, my friend . One day, you’re gonna be fine and then one day, you’re gonna find yourself in a ditch .

Sam} Charlie, shut up !! .

Charlie} Wow ok, looks like someone’s afraid of death .

Sam} I’m not scared of death, okay ?, move on.

Timothy} Oi Daniel. don’t put your feet up on the sofa .

Daniel} Why not ?.

Timothy} Because your socks are dirty. You’ve been wearing the same socks for like forever . Don’t you change them at all ?.

Daniel} No I bloody don’t, I don’t have that many socks to wear. I don’t have a choice, do I ?. What am I supposed to do, not wear socks ?.

Timothy} Daniel, don’t put your feet on the sofa, alright ?. I’m the one who makes the rules around here, I’m the one who tells you what to do. It’s my house and I live here .

Daniel} Oh piss off .

Timothy} Your socks are dirty, Daniel. They can make dirt.

Daniel} But I don’t have any other socks, what do you want me to do ?.

Timothy} Just get them off the sofa .

Daniel} But I can’t though .

Timothy} Yes you can, just don’t put your feet up .

Daniel} That’s not possible, mate .

Timothy} Yes it is .

Daniel} No it’s not, no it’s not .

Timothy} Of course it is .

Daniel} No it’s not .

Timothy} Yes it is .

Daniel} No it’s not. What’s it to you if I put my feet up on the sofa and gather dust ?.

Timothy} It’s everything, just listen to what I say .

Daniel} No it’s not, you clearly have no idea .

Timothy} Yes, I think you’ll find that I do .

Daniel} No you don’t, no you don’t . You fucking sock !!! .

Timothy} How dare you, how dare you call me a sock . You bloody shoe !!! .

Daniel} Right well, at least shoes are useful, I don’t wear socks .

Timothy} So, what are those then ?, what are those ?.

Daniel} You’re not supposed to bloody look down, you cheat .

Sam} Look, can one of you just leave the room, please . If you say anything about shoes and socks one more time, I’m gonna go mad, I swear to god, I’m gonna bring the bloody house down .

Daniel} Right well in that case, go and ask Timothy, he’s the one who started this whole thing in the first place. You talking about bloody shoes .

Timothy} Look, if you didn’t put your feet up on the sofa, I wouldn’t have said anything .

Daniel} You should have never said anything anyway.

Timothy} Oh you fucking . { He chucks a shoe at Daniel, Daniel gets knocked out and he falls to the ground}

Charlie} The Shoes !!!! .

Sam} Wait, hold on, did you just say that I had a cat ?, how do you know I had a cat ?.

{ They stare at each other}

End of script