Two Hours Of Guff, Script 8, The Survival Of The Crap TV Shows

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting in the sitting room, they’re all watching TV, Sam has been driven mad by a random day time television programme, nobody knows why}

Sam} Oh my god, how many times are you gonna put that bloody programme on ?.

Charlie} What, it’s good .

Sam} No it’s not, what, these people talk shit for hours. That geezer looks like he’s about to piss himself. How is this shit still on TV ?.

Charlie} Sam, what’s your idea of a day time television programme ?. If you think you’re so clever .

Sam} No bullshit, class, and it actually being entertaining. Not this shit, creates the buzz of a dead bee, that room alone. And, what are they talking about, Kitchen appliances?, fucking dregs . Where’s all the proper entertainment, where are the laughs, the roar of the studios, everyone working as a team, putting out quality entertainment, where’s the energy, where’s all the proper information. We used to have good art on TV before, not this fucking dross .

Daniel} Sam, you don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to. Switch it off if you don’t like it .

Sam} Hm, I wish I could . Wouldn’t that be great ?.

Charlie} Sam, please don’t do this to yourself. I hate it just as much as you do.

Sam} Right, then why don’t you change it then ?. { Charlie freezes}

Charlie} Yeah you’re right, I could just change it. But then again, I can’t because I gave the remote control to Timothy and he probably chucked it out of the window by now .

Timothy} Why on earth would I chuck the remote control out of the window ?. My own remote control .

Sam} Because TV is shit, and I’m bored . { Sam pulls out gun and starts firing gunshots at all the walls and on the ceiling}

Sam} Bored, bored, bored, bored . { Turns around and fires the gunshots and damages the walls in the house}

Charlie} Woah man, what the fuck ?.

Sam} I’m bored, this is unbelievably boring !! .

Timothy} I know, Sam, I know that you’re bored, you’re bored, he’s bored, we’re all bored. I’m bored too, but do you see me going crazy ?.

Sam} No, you seem to be handling it like a champ .

Timothy} Well then. Put the gun away and sit down .

Sam} Ok then fine, sorry . { He puts it away and doesn’t bring it out anymore} { Daniel and Charlie are transfixed by what’s on the TV}

Daniel} Oo, I like his headphones, are they like vintage ?.

Charlie} I think so .

Daniel} Wicked . It’s wicked, man . I might look into buying some one of these days .

Timothy} Right, so is no one gonna talk about the fact about Sam has got a gun ?.

Daniel} Honestly, nothing surprises me anymore, the man’s a psycho. I’m not surprised if Sam owns a shooter. He shouldn’t. God no, hell no .

Charlie} Yeah, and yet you’re allowing it to happen by letting him own one .

Daniel} It’s not my fault he’s a lunatic. Might as well lock him up. He’s like this close to getting sectioned . He might be here today but he won’t be here tomorrow, I’m telling you .

Timothy} Oi shut up everyone. Are You A Therapist ? is on and there’s this man who looks like a pirate .

Sam} Oo, now we’re talking. Oh yes, now this is what I call television .

Daniel} Nah man, what is this, the dark web ?. Who is that geezer, man ?, looks like Shivrer . { Shivrer means pirate in Norwegian, the reference is from a norwegian version of Lazy Town}

Sam} You’re a Shivrer .

{ Charlie starts singing to wind him up}

Charlie} Hai Hai Timeldabee, do you want to sail the seven seas. do what you want as a pirate as a pirate a free, you are a Shivrer. Hai Hai timbeldabee, da na na na na na na na na na, da.

Timothy} No no, don’t sing that bloody song, you make it worse .

Charlie} Now I’m making it worse, now, now I’m making it worse . You told me stop singing but you wound me up and now I’ve made it worse .

Timothy} Shuttttttt . { In a Greek accent as he suddenly switches}

Daniel} Can someone change the channel, please . I’m not gonna watch this mad senile sailor recall his past traumas whilst sailing the seven seas. Is there anything else on ?.

Timothy} Uh yeah, there’s this programme about cooking. There’s that if you want ?.

Daniel} Yeah that’s alright, sounds decent .

Sam} I cooked once .

Charlie} Really, Sam ?. So, tell me about it. Were you Willy Wonka or was you an Oompa Loompa ?.

Sam} Oh shut up, don’t take the piss. I think I’m alright with my cooking. Personally, I’m no Raymond Blanc or Jamie Oliver, but I think I’m okay .

Daniel} Nah, man, you can’t cook. You do like food poker in the kitchen .

Sam} What the fuck is food poker ?.

Daniel} What, you don’t know food poker ?. You’ve been doing it your whole life. How do you not know it ?. Don’t be daft .

Sam} What is it exactly ?.

Daniel} It’s where you try to make something but you don’t follow a recipe, you just wing it. So you go, so you go, ” I have an onion and then in the other hand, I have a zultana}. Two ingredients that don’t have any insignificance with each other and you see what you can make out of it . But it’s like, what can you make out of it ?. What can you make out of an onion and some zultanas ?.

Sam} You can make shit .

Charlie} Hm, I don’t think I’d want to that, you know ?. Don’t think I’d want to be near food ever again .

Daniel} Well, that’s too bad .

Sam} What the fuck is that ?.

Daniel} It’s an onion and a handful of zultanas . { Charlie curls up into a ball and tries to get away from Daniel}

Charlie} Ehhhhhh .

Daniel} You love onions and Zultanas, don’t you ?.

Charlie} Yes but not together. I like onions, they’re fine, Zultanas, on the other hand, no. Zultanas can fuck off .

Daniel} I’m gonna have to disagree with you there, Charlie. Zultanas are just as good as onions .

Sam} Zultanas ?. Fuck no, why would anyone want to eat them ?.

Daniel} Because it’s food, food . Look at this, um, it’s yum, it’s delish . It’s sweet, it’s tender, it’s everything. Oo, what about this one ?, hm, this one’s crunchy, I think I might save it for later.

Charlie} God, please save us both .

Daniel} Oi Charlie, do you want some ?. I can give you some if you want, I only had like half .

Charlie} Fuck no, I don’t want that, bloody zultanas. You’re not gonna make us eat it, are you ?.

Daniel} Maybe .

Charlie} No no no. God no !!! .

Daniel} Here, lovely. You want a little nibble, just have a nibble . { Makes Charlie eat some}

Charlie} No, I don’t want it, go away . { He tries to move away}

Daniel} It’s really nice, man .

Charlie} What does it taste like ?.

Daniel} It doesn’t have a taste, Charlie. Whatever it is, you can hardly taste it. You know what it tastes like ?, it tastes like rasins. It tastes like raisins .

Charlie} Oh is it ?, oh ok, I’ll try it then. I don’t mind rasins it’s deights I don’t like.

Daniel} Yeah yeah yeah, just eat it .

Charlie} Hah, I can’t believe we’re doing this, it’s silly, isn’t it ?.

Daniel} Yeah, you know what ?. I had this idea. I had this idea where I have the Zultanas and you have the onion, but that idea has gone to shit, now it’s the other way around, you’re gonna have both and I’m gonna have nothing . How mad am I ?, how mad am I ?, haha, eat it . { Switches and gets agressive suddenly}

{ Charlie tries a Zultana}

Charlie} Hm, hm . { Sam tries one as well and he keeps silent in the back round and doesn’t say anything}

Daniel} What do you think, Sam ?.

Sam} Yeah it’s nice. { He makes a face, it’s telling us that he doesn’t really like it}

Charlie} You know what ?. It’s not as bad as I was expecting. It just tastes like raisins.

Sam} Yeah they’re really nice, you know ?. Hm .

{ A few minutes later, they’re all being sick}

Charlie, Sam and Daniel} Euhhhhhhhh . { Gretching}

Sam} What was that ?.

Charlie} I don’t know .

Timothy} Wait, hold on, why didn’t you eat the onion ?. You brought in the zultanas and the onion, you ate the zultanas but you didn’t eat the onion. Why ?.

{ Daniel stares at Timothy}

Daniel} You can have it if you want .

Timothy} No, I don’t think I’d want to.

Daniel} No no, here we are, have a bit of onion. Eat it, eat it, eat the bloody onion. Food !!, Fud, eat the food .

Timothy} Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. { He eats a bit}

{ A few minutes later, he runs into the bathroom and he starts being sick as well}

{ Daniel starts laughing}

Daniel} I’m guessing he loved it .

Sam} Come on, I think we’d better leave him to it. { They leave}

{ Next morning, Daniel wakes up to find that there’s an onion hanging down from his ceiling and it’s got zultanas in it}

Daniel} Ahhhhhhh .

End of script