Two Hours Of Guff, Script 9, In The Thick Of It

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room}

Timothy} You know what ?. I’ve always wondered, are we alone on this planet ?.

Charlie} Of course not. We are accompanied by thousands of other humans. Why do you think we’re alone ?. What on earth makes you think that we’re alone, Timothy ?.

Timothy} I’m not talking about humans, I’m talking about aliens. What if, look, so imagine, imagine that we’re a small specticle on the horizon, and then, you see hundreds other little dots around us, then what ?. That gives you the indication to say that we’re not alone, doesn’t it ?. We’re not alone on this planet. No one can tell me otherwise .

Daniel} Well no, this is shit, the whole thing’s a bloody fluke. We are the only ones living here. The little specticles that you see, which is like 69 %, so there for, they are not aliens, they are just tiny dots. So don’t waste your time with these stupid theories, cause you’re not gonna get anywhere with it .

Sam} How do you know that aliens are not real ?. You speak so much shit, man. You can clearly see the tiny dots .

Daniel} They’re not alien specticles though .

Sam} What are they then ?. If they’re not alien specticles, what are they ?. Okay, Jeff Bezoz, tell us all, how could they possibly not be aliens ?.

Daniel} Well, I know for a fact that they are not proof of aliens, they are rabbit droppings .

Sam} What, shit dropping from the sky ?, are you mad ?.

Daniel} Well yeah, that’s what it is, I know it’s that. I’ve seen them myself .

Charlie} Oh shut up. Eximent doesn’t fall from the sky, we all know that. Don’t jump the shark, oh bloody hell, you already jumped the shark .

Timothy} You can’t tell me that it’s not. They already declared it on Nasa .

Sam} Right well, whoever came up with that shit deserves to be fired. I’m sorry, they just declared bullshit. How the fuck can that be ?. People are sick. It’s a sick world we’re living in, sick world .

Daniel} Are you insulting me ?.

Sam} What ?.

Daniel} You just said that whoever came up with that theory is a bullshit gatherer. Why did you say that ?.

Sam} Wait, bullshit gatherer ?, what . What the bloody hell are you on about ?. I never said bullshit gatherer. Oi Charlie, did you hear me say bullshit gatherer ?.

Charlie} Nah, to be honest, I don’t know what you say sometimes. You leave me below the lines of absolutely clueless .

Sam} Why are you bloody defensive over these Nasa shisters ?.

Daniel} Oh, it’s probably because I was the one who came out with the theory, therefore you insult me .

Sam} Why the bloody hell would you come out with a theory like that ?. Fucking hell, you make the world believe that clouds shit .

Daniel} They already shit, it’s called rain, ever hear of it ?.

Sam} That’s not shit, that’s piss. When you shit, water doesn’t come out, doesn’t it ?.

Timothy} What point are you trying to make ?.

Sam} The point is that shit doesn’t fall from the sky, it never has. And the point is that you’re a fucking nut case. And speaking of aliens, I already know they exist, we all know that Daniel is an alien, you’re just scared to say .

Daniel} And, why am I an alien ?.

Sam} Because you believe that clouds shit . You’re a mentalist .

Charlie} Woooo, Daniel’s a mentalist, and I believe him, we’re all mentalists. Ah, this is just brilliant, I love this day. Don’t know how we all got here through .

Sam} Charlie, shush .

Charlie} I don’t care what anybody says. Daniel thinks that the sky shits. He’s a maniac. Why do you think that the sky shits, Daniel ?. What do you have to say ?.

Daniel} I mean, what’s there to say. I know that rabbit droppings fall from the sky, I’ve seen it countless countless times before, I can show you if you’d like ?.

Timothy} No Daniel, why would I want to see shit falling from the sky, why would anyone want to see shit falling from the sky ?. You’re sick, man, sick .

Charlie} If you wanna see shit, why don’t you just go to the toilet?. There’s a shit load there, I’m telling you .

Sam} Just stop saying shit .

Timothy} Yeah, I think we’ve all had enough of each other’s shit .

Sam} Look, I’m gonna go mad here, I can’t stand this talk about shit, I just can’t stand it. I need to clear my head, I really do. You know, sometimes I forget that we all live in the same house . I live with this man who believes that shit falls from the sky. Yeah, I even I can’t believe it . { He walks out of the room}

Timothy} Oi, where are you going, Sam ?.

Sam} I’m going somewhere .

Timothy} Right, somewhere .

Daniel} Oi Charlie, do you wanna watch a documentary with me ?.

Charlie} Yeah, it better not be about rogue spacemen and shit inducing clouds .

Daniel} Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s not that. I found something even better .

{ A few minutes later, they’re watching the documentary. Turns out, they’re watching the really shit Nasa documentary about rabbit droppings falling from the sky. Daniel is laughing his head off and Sam is just downwright fed up and annoyed}

Charlie} What the fuck, man ?. It’s that bloody Nasa documentary. Why do you have to lie to me ?.

Daniel} You knew what I was planning all along .

Charlie} No, no, I’m watching that bloody documentary, man, don’t show it to me, Daniel, ok, I’m going, I’m going, bye .

Daniel} Wait, before you go, here we are. { He plays the clip again, Daniel starts laughing}

Charlie} Oh what’s that ?, oh god. { He leaves} ” Where did you find that thing, man ?, bloody hell ”.

{ A few minutes later, Charlie walks outside and he starts seeing these weird specticles falling from the sky}

Charlie} Oh shit. No no no no no Noooooooo !!!! . { Then he runs down the street}

{ Then, you can see Daniel chucking a bunch of cocao nibs at him from above}

End of script}