Two Hours Of Guff, Script No 10, Leather Face !!!!

{Warning, script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s in the sitting room, There, in Daniel’s hands is a very peculiar looking thing and Sam is paranoid}

Sam} Oh my bloody god, what is that ?, what is that ?. Daniel, what is that ?.

Daniel} What, this ?, oh, it’s a Sensanarium Valhalla mask .

Sam} What the fuck is that ?, what on earth is a Sensanumvita Valhalla mask ?.

Daniel} It’s a new arrival. It’s kinda like my new friend. I include this new object as a part of the family .

Sam} No no no, what, that thing ?. Are you taking the piss, Daniel ?. You can’t own a thing like that in a place like this .

Daniel} What, I like it though . I find it relatable, I can really resonate with this mask .

Charlie} Yeah, I can see the simularities between the two .

Daniel} Oh shut up, you bloody racist !!!! .

Sam} Danny, why are you so obsessed with that mask ?.

Daniel} I love it, I breathe it, it’s my pride and joy .

Timothy} Right well in that case, I’m glad you have found something that’s right for you, Daniel . Good for you .

Charlie} Why are you acting as if this is normal ?. It’s not normal .

Timothy} Because Charlie, I don’t even know what’s normal anymore, normal doesn’t exist. Believe me, I live with a friend who believes that rabbit shit falls from the sky, surely it can’t get any worse .

Charlie} Oh god, not that again .

Timothy} Yes that again .

Charlie} No. You scarred me for life. I still have nightmares every night. Why did you do that ?.

Daniel} Oh come on, surely you would have noticed that it wasn’t real shit, it was cacao nibs .

Charlie} Oh get out of it. That looked like real shit to me .

Sam} Cacao nibs ?, where the fuck did you get them from ?.

Daniel} In Tescos. They sell them for like 50p. They’re nice though. They are miky, they are sweet, it’s real chocolate . { Charlie gretches and feels sick}

Charlie} I hate you, you know ?. You made me non existent to Cacao nibs .

Daniel} Hey, you’re lucky it was just cacao nibs .

Charlie} Where the fuck are you gonna find a rabbit anyway ?.

Daniel} Oh, I’ll get a rabbit and then I’m gonna get it out of the cage and then I’m gonna make shit pissing against the wind . I know that you want it, Charlie, I’ll get you big chungus .

Sam} What’s big Chungus ?, is it like a power supply ?.

Daniel} You wish it was a power supply .

Charlie} You traumatized me for months. Chucking that bloody shite out of the window. I ran across the street, then I bumped into Misses Watson along the way. She looked at me like I was mad .

Daniel} Yeah, perhaps you are mad .

Charlie} No, you are mad. You’re the one who chucked bloody cacao nibs at me from a nearby window .

Timothy} You’re both mad. You’re mad for scaring Misses Watson and you’re mad for assaulting Charlie with really shit chocolate .

Charlie} Yeah you’re right, it was shit. When I was running around, some of it went in my mouth .

Sam} Er god. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse .

Timothy} I think when you know how mad Daniel is, whatever happens, You know it can’t get any worse. I’ve known him for three years now, honestly, it just can’t . He’s mad and he doesn’t even have to try .

Daniel} Thank you, Timothy, I’m flattered .

Sam} Whatever you do, Daniel, just don’t put that mask on. I’m gonna have a bloody heart attack .

{ Daniel puts the mask on and he scares Sam}

Sam} Ehhhh, No, bloody no. What is that thing, man ?. Looks like bloody Truscan. Where did you find it, under a bridge ?. Did you find it in a bloody cave .

Daniel} No, they sell them in the pound shop .

Sam} The same place you found the cacao nibs ?.

Daniel} No, that was Tescos .

Sam} What is Tescos ?.

Daniel} Oh my god. Are you being serious ?. How do you not know what Tescos is ?.

Sam} Well, I don’t go shopping that often, do I ?. I’m stuck indoors half the time. You’re the one who goes out and gets the milk .

Daniel} Oh yeah, that’s true. But yeah, I got this mask from the pound shop. They had a shit ton of masks. They had ghost face, they had Saw, they had random goblin man, then they had Leather Face .

Charlie} What on earth is a Leather face ?.

Daniel} You know the man with a chainsaw ?.

Charlie} Um no, I don’t think it was a man .

Daniel} Well, it was something anyway .

Charlie} Are you taking the piss, Daniel ?. So you’re saying that Leather Face is a human man ?, that thing is no man, I’m telling you . If you saw them walking down the street, a normal man and Leather face, you’d know the difference . You can never confuse Leather Face with an actual human .

Timothy} Well no, if I saw him walking down the street, I’d probably turn the other way .

Daniel} Yeah, don’t say that, Timothy. You have to be careful because he’s going to come here and he’s gonna bring that bloody chainsaw .

Timothy} Yeah, can I move, by any chance ?. I think I might move house .

Daniel} It doesn’t matter if you move or not, Leather face will always know where you live .

Timothy} Right, cheers Daniel, thanks for scaring me .

Daniel} I wasn’t trying to scare you, Timothy, I was just trying to make you become more self aware .

Timothy} Yeah well, good job, well done. You have took the meaning and you flipped it on it’s head . I am more aware of the self, and unfortunatly, the self is terrified of me .

Daniel} Oh bollocks, how can the self be scared of you ?.

Timothy} It’s cos you just scared the living crap out of me with bloody Leather face. It’s all in my head now, the image is stuck in my head. I just wish I could erase my memory and start all over .

Sam} Right, so how do you think babies feel then ?. The minute they are out of the womb, they are exposed to all sorts of weird shit. So when you’re born, imagine this is the first thing you see, it’s bloody horrifying. Half melted face man with chainsaw. Huhhh, kill me now. { Starts singing} ” It’s a whole new world, friendly faces, smiles, and a bloody Leather Face with a chainsaw ”. ” Help me please, help me ”.

Timothy} No but they can’t see straight away. It takes time for them to gain sight, it’s all blurry at first, they can’t see until later on .

Charlie} Who the fuck is gonna let Leather Face into a hospital anyway ?.

Sam} Oh, you could easily confuse Leather Face with one of the midwives in the ward.

Timothy} Oh get out. You seriously want someone like Leather Face delivering your newborn daughters and sons. No wonder why kids have problems later on when they get older . Bloody hell, first world problems down to a crisp. Makes you wonder .

Daniel} It’s a boy . { Tries to wind him up}

Sam} Shut up .

Charlie} How did we even stumble upon this conversation ?, I swear, we were talking about cacao nibs a while ago, how did we start talking about this ?.

Sam} No, don’t talk about Cacao nibs again, don’t talk about it, they’re both bloody weird .

Timothy} We started this conversation by talking about rabbit droppings and cacao nibs, now we’re talking about getting stalked by Leather face, now, how the fuck did we get there ?.

Daniel} I dunno, that’s just what nattering is about, I guess .

Timothy} Nattering ?.

Daniel} Yeah nattering. It’s where you tunnel through different subjects without any proper introduction .

Timothy} Oh ok. So is that what we’re doing then ?. Are we nattering ?.

Daniel} Yep .

Timothy} Alright then .

Sam} You know, there’s just something about Leather face. You know, the nuance of it all, it really catches the eye . The geezer’s a nutcase though, imagine chasing someone with a chainsaw .

Everyone} Ughhhhhh .

{ A few minutes later, Timothy and Sam are chatting}

Timothy} Oi Sam . I’m just gonna pop out to speak to the neighbor real quick, do you wanna come with me ?.

Sam} Um ok, yeah if you want to .

Timothy} Ok cool.

Sam} Speaking of the neighbor, have you ever met him ?.

Timothy} We say hello from time to time but we don’t really see each other often. He’s the man who keeps himself to himself.

Sam} Ah ok. But you’re knocking, I don’t want him to see me first, he’s weird like that .

Timothy} Yeah no he’s fine, come on .

{ They walk outside}

Sam} Ooh, look at how big his door is, are you seeing this, Timothy ?, looks like a bloody church .

Timothy} Sam, shush . { Timothy knocks on the door and the door opens by itself}

Timothy} Well that’s weird. The door just opened by itself. Is anyone in ?.

Sam} Timothy, I don’t like this, I don’t like this .

Timothy} Sam, just walk, it’s fine. There’s no one here. Oh wait a minute, there’s someone there. I’m gonna go and ask him, maybe he’ll know .

{ He walks up to the man who’s hiding in the shadow}

Timothy} Hi there, um, sorry to bother you but would it be alright if you just . { Then he turns around and he sees Leather Face} ” Ahhhhhh, bloody hell, bloody hell. Sam !!, Sam !! .

Leather face} Pkkkk, Leather Face !!!!! .

End of script

Update}

The boys were terrorized by Leather Face looking bitch. They made it out of there just in time right before he could catch them. Now, they all know why he kept quiet. What’s worse is that they have to go home now and Daniel’s gonna talk shit about it for hours. Timothy is now traumatized and he hid Daniel’s mask. They got jumped by Leather face. That moment will haunt him forever .