Big Blog Theory

A Struggling Writer, Script 7

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is called back into the councillor’s office, he’s just sitting there, laughing his head off, no one knows why}

Richard} Hahaha, did you really think I was gonna walk in and be serious with you ?.

The councillor} No I didn’t, no I bloody didn’t. It was a facade .

Richard} What, that’s that a facade ?. What, grumpy old man, that’s a facade ?, alright, Rick Flair. I pity you if you think that’s a facade .

The councillor} Nothing’s a bloody facade .

Richard} Hah, you really thought that you could avoid hearing my story, didn’t you ?.

The councillor} No I didn’t, I just wanted to go home and have a bath .

Richard} You could have just listened to the story first then later, you could go home and have a bloody soak or whatever the fuck you wanna call it . It wasn’t even that long, you’re acting like I’m forcing you to read the five hour table read for The bloody Room .

The councillor} I couldn’t give a shit if it wasn’t that long, that’s not the problem .

Richard} Right, so why didn’t you wanna hear it then ?.

The councillor} Because I didn’t wanna know about bloody Benji !!!! .

Richard} Wow, what you as well ?. You know who you’re like, you’re like the main protagonist in the story. The little kid who sees him charging towards her. ” Ah no, Benji ”, that’s you .

The councillor} No, Richard, that’s not me, that’s definetly not me .

Richard} Yes it is, yes it is. You’re just bullshitting me now. You do the exact same thing as the protagonist. You see, the protagonist, yeah ?, she makes Benji go there in the first place, then she complains that he’s walking too fast .

The councillor} Wait, but she’s only four years old, for goodness sake. How’s she suppsed to know what’s wrong and what’s right .

Richard} She said she was twelve !!!! .

The councillor} She’s twelve ?. What the fuck is she doing in Dalston ?.

Richard} Shopping !!!!! .

The councillor} Right. Why’s the story so fascinating then ?. What’s all this about ?.

Richard} Well, half way through the story, Benji manages to walk through a wall and then he walks in the street, he starts saying things like ” Ehhh, fucking Turkish, I’m gonna burn the shop, I’m gonna burn the shop !!! ”.

The councillor} Right, I feel like this story’s gonna have a not so happy ending. What happens at the end of the story ?.

Richard} Oh no no, it’s really happy .

The councillor} Is it really ?.

Richard} Yeah, no one dies, it’s all good, it’s all good .

The councillor} Oh ok, that’s good. So what happens then ?.

Richard} Well, Benji mellows down and he stops this psychotic middle aged man so called facade and he settles for a new life in Panama . After, he fakes his own death with a canoe in Antray .

The councillor} Right, bloody hell .

Richard} New life in Panama !!!! .

The councillor} Did he die though ?, what happened to him ?.

Richard} Nah he’s alright. It was a success, he made it home safely .

The councillor} Oh good good .

Richard} Then, he got raided by Triads in China .

The councillor} What ?!!! .

Richard} But yeah, that one has to be one of the best stories I have ever written. It’s so bloody riveting .

The councillor}  Hm, um, sorry, I do apologize, Richard, but can you do me a favor, please ?.

Richard} Oh god .

The councillor} No it’s alright, it’s ok, I want you to hand these files over to Jeffery, I was supposed to give these to him earlier but I kind of forgot. Can you just quickly stop by at his office, please ?.

Richard} Ah, you bloody. { He walks out of his office and doesn’t listen to him}

The councillor} Where’s he gone ?. Eh, that bloody. ” New Life In Panama ”, hah, I can’t wait for a new life in Panama .

Richard shouts from outside the office}

Richard} Oh you can have a new life in Panama . You just need to have some bills to pay, then you fake your own death with the canoe. New Life In Panama !!!! .

The councillor} Richard, fuck off .

{Richard starts laughing}

The councillor} You’re still there ?.

Richard} Haha, I’m not leaving, I’m not going anyhere .

The councillor} Oh bloody hell . { He just gives up and walks off}

End of script}

A Struggling Writer Has A Mental Breakdown Script 6

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is called into the councillor’s office once again, after driving Tom mad with his demented stories}

Richard} Have you ever heard the story about that man who went mad in the streets of Dalston ?, and everyone thought that it was a bull ?. Did I tell you that one already ?.

The councillor} No, I don’t think you have .

Richard} Well in that case, I think I should fill you in on the whole thing .

The councillor} Richard, I don’t have that much time .

Richard} Oh it’s fine, don’t worry about it, there’s only like two pages, it’s not a bloody thesis .

The councillor} Richard, how do you think I spend my time here ?.

Richard} You talk shit .

The councillor} I don’t talk shit .

Richard} Yes you do, councilling is shit .

The councillor} No it’s not shit, Richard, it helps people .

Richard} Haha, what a load of old shit . You help me but I’m still losing my mind. It has done shit, mate .

The councillor} How long is the story anyway ?.

Richard} I already told you, it’s like two pages long, but the story is fascinating though, because the man goes mad under circumstances . That’s just what Dalston does to a person, you know what I mean ?. I’ve been down there once, there was this geezer with a stick, I think he was Greek. Then, there were these animal heads shrinkwrapped in these plastic bags, it bloody stinks, man, I thought I was gonna die there . Very lively neighborhood, everyone’s shouting, everyone’s being sick, pigeons are going mad and they’re all doing backflips, it’s bloody mad . Yeah nah man, I don’t want none of it, I just try and stay out of there as much as I possibly can. I don’t wanna be one of them !!, are you mad ?. Fucking Dalston, man .

The councillor} Richard, when are we actually gonna get to the story ?. You seem to be rambling on about Dalston, do you actually know what you’re doing ?.

Richard} Yes I do, I fucking wrote it, you dog !!!. { His voice sounds like he’s having a mental breakdown by the minute}

Richard} Right, here we go, The Man Who Shrieked Havvock In The Street, or as I would say, The Man Who Went Mad In The Street . Hah, that’s just brilliant, isn’t it ?. Also, what a place to go mad . DJ Louise And The Crackheads, what fun. Anyway, we’re jumping into the story now . Benji charges down the street, he frightens a dog. He runs across the street and he shouts at a bus, he’s on all fours, pretends to be a dog . The bloody dickhead, the pressure is on . { Starts singing} ” Daaaaa, he’s gonna get you, he’s gonna get you, baby, he’s gonna get you, he’s gonna get you, baby, he’s gonna get you . { Peep Show Reference}

{ Then he stops singing}

Richard} Benji’s gonna be here in a minute. Ahhhhhh, no Benji !!!, I hate Benji !!. Keep him away from me, I hate Benji. Bloody Benji !!! . My god, you haven’t even bloody met him yet, what are you on about ?. Ahhhhhh, bloody Benji !!!! .

The councillor’s had enough}

The councillor} Noooo, get out !! .

Richard} You don’t know the magic of Benji, sir .

The councillor} I couldn’t give a shit about Benji, get out .

Richard} Benji !!!!!!!!!!!! . { Tries to wind him up}

{The councillor slams the door behind him}

The councillor} Bloody Benji . { Says it under his breath} ” Benji, who the fuck is Benji ?”.

Disclaimer} John realises that his son’s name is Benji. That will haunt him forever .

End of script}

 

 

 

 

New Poem, Keep Going

Hi guys, hope you’re all doing well. I hope you’re all having a lovely morning .  I’ve got something very special for you guys today . I wrote this poem. This is for anyone who’s struggling with depression . Hopefully it helps . Life is so hard these days, everyone’s fighting their own fight . I’m gonna quickly wrap this up and upload this . I’ve got a very productive day ahead of me. In the evening, I’m going to The Hackney Empire for my fourth day of the Writers Room, I’m so excited, I’m loving it so far. So I’m gonna do that later on. But yeah, so here’s the poem, it’s called Keep Going . I hope you like it .

Keep going

If you ever feel like your life is so morbid and so out of place, hopefully, my poem can put a smile on your face .

You ever lie on your bed and think ” Why am I still here ?”, you ever wish you could just disappear ?.

When your smile starts to fade, and you wanna give up but someone reaches out, now that’s another life saved .

Of all the times you wanted to cry, of all the times you wanted to die. Of all the times you were drifting away without knowing .

But you keep going.

Of all the times you feared for your future, of all the times you tried to kill yourself. You slept all day but you did nothing else. You tried to hide your sadness so that it wasn’t showing.

But you keep going.

When you feel like this, you don’t know how to cope, but stay alive, there’s still hope .

The weather is beautiful, the sun is glowing. You felt like giving up on life

But you keep going.

End of poem

Edit}

Okay so that’s my poem. I hope it helped you in some way. Depression is a serious issue and I know that some of you might be struggling with it. If you are, and if you’re thinking of ending it, Hang on, it’s gonna be alright . Even though I don’t really know you guys, but you matter to me. You take time to visit my blog and you show that you care. I’m honestly surprised that anyone would even want to read my posts and my scripts, they’re really boring . But yeah, thank you guys so much, I appreciate it . I could never imagine a world without you guys, I’d be lost . If it wasn’t for you guys and my family, I wouldn’t be here today, so thank you . Anway, that’s the poem. I never really share my love for poetry with you guys, but I just thought I would upload a small one to show you my potential, haha . I’m trying to memorize all my poems so I can read them off by heart, that’s going really well. I hope that, one day, I can read them to a big audience . I just have no confidence, if I was to stand on a stage in front of millions of people, I would probably go into a bloody relapse, haha . This is why I’m never gonna be an actress or a theatre performer, because I’ll cause bloody havvock . This is why I’m just sticking to working on small projects behind the scenes, I’m leaving all that stuff to the professionals and probably for the best anyway, haha . So yeah, that’s all I have for you guys today, I hope you all enjoyed reading my poem. I’m gonna go and watch Fleabag now, then I’m gonna go to The Hackney Empire at five oclock, so that’s gonna be fun. Love you all, I hope you all have a lovely day . More work to come on Big Blog Theory .

Single Scene Script Sessions, Mick’s Realization Scene

Hi guys, welcome back to Big Blog Theory, I hope you’re all doing well. I have something very special in store for you lot today . I have written a scene . I do this thing where I write small 5 minute scenes in my free time, these scenes have no relation to any of the stories I’m writing, they’re just single scenes that tell beautiful stories . The one you’re about to read is a scene which is called Mick’s Realization. This a scene from a story called The Boy’s Final Journey, which is a story that I’m thinking of writing very soon. I took some inspiration from the film, Third Star, which is one of my all time favourite films, I love it so much . It’s very emotional and it makes me want to cry, it really tugs on your heart strings . In this scene, Mick is with his friend, Jim and they’re just having a chat whilst watching the trees swaying in the breeze and they’re just taking in the scenery around them. Mick is very sick, he’s terminally ill with Cancer and in this scene, he realises that he hasn’t got very long and he realises that he’s not gonna be around for long because eventually, the cancer is gonna take control and it’s gonna swallow him up . I wrote this scene two days ago. The idea came to me in my sleep, but that’s a story for another day. I’ll upload the scene down below so you can read it .

{Warning, this script is very emotional, have a box of tissues just in case you lose it}

{ Mick and his friend, Jim are outside, sitting on the floor and they’re watching the trees swaying in the breeze}

Jim} Yeah, Bill has got the hump again .

Mick} So you’ve said .

Jim} Yeah, they keep saying that they’ll run each other up a mountain or something, I say let them do it, if it’s gonna help in any way . You see, the thing is, is that they don’t know when to stop. They just keep going .

Mick} Hm, wish I could keep going .

{ Jim looks at Mick for a second}

Jim} Oh, I’m not gonna take it anymore. I can’t bare seeing those two fighting, I can’t bare it. We come on this camping trip and this is what happens . We’re supposed to get on, not decide who would be the first to end up in a bloody coffin . { Mick interrupts}

Mick} The 25th.

Jim} Ay ?.

Mick} The 25th, they told me I was gonna die on 25th. { Something rushes over him, he realizes that tomorrow is the 25th}

Mick} I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die yet, I’m not ready to go. { He hugs Jim and he starts crying}

{ The last shot is of them hugging really tightly}

End of scene.

Ok, so this is the scene I wrote. It’s really emotional and you really feel sorry for Mick and all of his friends . Mick is absolutely terrified because he realises that his death day is right round the corner and he doesn’t wanna die yet. It’s absolutely heartbreaking . I was crying whilst writing this. It even made me cry and I was the one who wrote it. I guess that’s the power of screenwriting, haha . I hope you all liked it. Have a nice day / night, wherever you are, love you. Much more to come on Big Blog Theory .

 

A Struggling Writer Has A Mental Breakdown Script 5

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard { The mad man}, is dancing and singing to the song, You Spin Me Round And Round Like A Record by Dead Or Alive, and he’s having a silent breakdown}

{Next scene, he gets called into the councillor John’s office once again. He’s sitting there like he doesn’t even want to know, like he always does}

The councillor} Richard, what’s been going on ?.

Richard} I have been soul searching .

The councillor} Oh really ?.

Richard} Yeah I have and I’m learning so much about myself, it’s fucking brilliant. So many discoveries .

The councillor} That’s great. What have you discovered ?.

Richard} Right so basically, I have discovered that I’m a total shit .

The councillor} Oh Richard, don’t say that .

Richard} What, it’s needed .

The councillor} No it’s not, it’s not needed, not in any way is it needed . You’re in no position to say that you’re a total shit .

Richard} Hah, the truth hurts .

The councillor} Why do you think you’re a total shit, Richard ?.

Richard} It’s because I am, there’s no doubt about it, mate. I write scripts that sound like bloody ancient bible .

The councillor} Your scripts don’t sound like that. What are you on about ?.

Richard} Well, you’re not the one who’s writing them. You’re always like that. You’ve been payed to act that way, all wide eyed, that’s what councilling does to you .

The councillor} That’s Deja Vu, Richard .

Richard} No it’s not Deja fucking vu, alright ?. You smile at everything, you even laugh at a cat falling off a chair. You say that you’re not terrified of spiders and insects, but then you see a butterfly and you shit yourself .

The councillor} Nonsense, man .

Richard} Say what you want, it’s all true .

The councillor} What the hell, man ?, I heard music playing really loudly coming from someone’s office. Was it you ?.

Richard} Yes it was me .

The councillor} Why were you playing music ?.

Richard} I play loud music to block out all the bullshit around me, I don’t have time for everyone’s shit. Less of the shit and more Dead Or Alive .

The councillor} Well, it’s really distracting. I have to do my shifts, you know ?, they’re so bloody hard. I can’t think of councilling when I can hear Dead Room Five, can I ?.

Richard} It’s not Dead Room Five, it’s Dead Or Alive .

The councillor} Whatever, I wasn’t around in the 80s, I don’t need to pull this off .

Richard} You’re bloody fifty, you’re fifty !!!. Of course you were around in the 80s, you dog .

The councillor} Alright yeah, I was alive in the 80s .

Richard} What, you don’t like muse ?.

The councillor} No I like muse, it’s just, I don’t remember that specific song .

Richard} Haha .

The councillor} Cut the shit, Ritchie. You’re gonna play shit, alright ?. Why are you doing this ?.

Richard} Because I’m bored and I’m pissed off. Why not have a lovely little sing along to dance the pain away. You know, as long as it’s not Roberto Blanco because that’s gonna be the thing that’s causing the pain. { Sings} ” Wow wowowowow Wowwwwww}

The councillor} Richard, don’t do this to yourself, you’re driving yourself mad .

Richard} What do you mean, ” Driving yourself mad ” ?, I’ve already gone mad .

The councillor} Oh for goodness sake. { He just sits there}

{ Silence}

Richard} Wait, you don’t know Dead Or Alive ?.

The councillor} Get out .

End of script}

New Script, Two Geezers Having An Arguement In Morrisons

Hi guys, welcome back to Big Blog Theory, hope you’re all doing well. I’ve got a new script to share with you today. It’s about these two geezers having an arguement in Morrisons. I think it’s really good. It tackles serious issues that people deal with on a daily basis, such as drinking habbits and addiction . I hope you like it . Have a nice morning / night, wherever you are, this is me signing off, enjoy the script .

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor and details of addiction}

{First scene, Matt and Vernon are having an arguement in the alchohol section in Morrisons}

Matt} No, don’t bloody take the piss, Vernon !! .

Vernon} What, what did I do ?.

Matt} You were taking the piss out of my alchohol addiction .

Vernon} No I wasn’t .

Matt} Yes you were .

Vernon} I was just asking you if you wanted some Guiness .

Matt} Yeah well, you were making fun of my drinking habbits .

Vernon} What, so I can’t even bloody ask you if you want some beer ?.

Matt} No you can’t, cos it’s bloody offensive. I gave up for good, you know ?. In the early days, the really heavy days, some geezer found me lying in the middle of the street, oh wait no, he found me in a dustbin, but you know, I almost . { Vernon interrupts}

Vernon} You almost died, I know, you keep telling me this story .

Matt} Yeah, so don’t make fun of my addiction, alright ?. You don’t know who you’re messing with .

Vernon} I wasn’t making fun of your addiction .

Matt} Yes you bloody was .

Vernon} Well, I didn’t know you used to drink .

Matt} Well now you do !!! .

Vernon} Oh bloody hell. { He just stands there}

Matt} Vernon, I swear to god .

Vernon} What, I didn’t say anything .

Matt} You’re taking the piss .

Vernon} Look, I’m sorry, alright ?, I didn’t know .

Matt} Yeah well most people don’t. I’ve kept it as a secret for years. It’s not worth telling people though, it’s not their business .

Vernon} Look, should we just get out of here, would that be alright ?. I’m really sorry if it’s bringing back horrible memories .

Matt} Yeah no it’s fine, I’ve already been through the worst of it . We’re not drinking anything anyway, we’re just standing here looking at the bloody ceiling .

Vernon} That’s true. Oh well, who doesn’t love a glass of cold fizz ?. I could do with one right now . { Matt stares at Vernon}

Matt} Oh don’t take the fucking piss !!! .

End of script}

 

New Script, A Random Old Lady Has A Rant And Drives A Young Man Insane In A Chip Shop

Hi guys. What you’re about to read is a new script I wrote, it’s about an old lady having a rant about The Hackney Council and she drives a young man mad in a chip shop. I wrote it yesterday, I think it’s really funny. We all know a Molly in our lives . Here it is.

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Molly is having a rant and there’s this young man sitting next to her}

Molly} The bloody Council, I’m so bloody sick of them. Why have a job if you don’t want to work ?. They just sit on their fat asses and scroll through bloody Facebook . It’s a bloody joke, it is. Those goons . { She turns to him} ”Look love, I’m really sorry if I’m rambling on a bit, I’ve just had a really long day .

The young man} No it’s alright, I think we’ve all had a really long day .

Molly} Hm. You see, the Hackney Council are total jokers. I made a complaint about the chute cause it’s blocked, and guess what, they just fobbed me off . I can’t bloody believe it. Do they ever do as they’re being told. It’s almost as if people just don’t wanna work, these days. Get someone who is qualified, get someone who actually enjoys doing his or her job . Not these puffs you see nowadays, blimey, bloody hell. They’ve only gone and fobbed me off, those shisters . ” Residency ”, hah, I’ll show them bloody residency .

The man} Look, I’m really sorry for interrupting but I really need to take this phone call, I’m afraid, it’s my mum. I’m gonna have to head off, it was nice knowing you, mam.

Molly} Oh alright, bye bye darling, see ya . Send her my love . { The young man leaves the shop}

{ A few minutes later, Molly turns up again and starts ranting again}

Molly} Huh, those jokers. Don’t come and unblock the chute.

The young man} Ughhhhh . { Puts his hands on his head}

End of script

Update} The young man was driven mad by Molly after she kept on ranting about the Council. He gave up trying to get away from her after Molly follows him everywhere. From then on, they both kept on meeting each other in the chip shop. Whenever someone mentions The Hackney Council, he leaves the room. He is traumatized of the council because of Molly. But don’t tell her that .

 

 

An Entirely New Script, A Band Just Pissing Each Other Off For Hours Before A Gig

Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing well. I have something very special in store for you lot today . I have just written a new script . It’s about this band members who are in a rock group called the Tough Ones and the script is about a band just bickering for hours on end right before they have a gig. They have a gig on in half an hour and they’re just in there bickering, arguing and slacking off whilst the audience is just waiting for them. I think it’s really funny . It just shows you how demented everyone is . I hope you enjoy it .

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting around, Vincent, the guitarist is looking at himself in the mirror just admiring himself because he’s a parasite, meanwhile, Johnny couldn’t give a shit}

Johnny} Why the bloody hell do you wanna get Gerry to play the drums ?. He can’t even hold a bloody drum stick properly .

Vincent} We got Gerry to play the drums because we can’t find anyone else to do it .

Johnny} Oi, Gerry’s not the only person who can play the drums. Just cut the shit, Vinny .

Vincent} My name isn’t Vinny, it’s Vincent .

Johnny} Oh piss off .

Vincent} Look alright. Gerry’s gonna play the drums, you’re gonna sing .

Johnny} You’re damn right I am, I’m gonna sing. And I’m bloody good at it as well .

Clarkson} Oh don’t get Johnny to sing .

Vincent} Why, what’s wrong with Johnny’s singing ?. I think he’s alright .

Johnny} You what ?. { He walks up to him}

Clarkson} Yeah, you can’t hold a bloody tune.

Johnny} That’s wrong .

Clarkson} Right well, sing then .

{Johnny starts singing}

Johnny} Haaaaa, I would go out tonight .

Clarkson} My god, Johnny, It sounds like you’re singing in a fucking alleyway .

Johnny} Hah, like you can do any better .

Clarkson} Vincent, you can’t get a singer who can’t fucking sing !!! .

Gerry} Exactly .

Johnny} Yeah, and you can’t have a drummer who can’t play the drums .

Santana} Guys, guys, come on. Get yourselves together. We have a show on in a few minutes, the audience will be waiting for us, you lot are bloody scrambling over who can sing or not ,

Johnny} Santana, shut up, you’re making me nervous . We’re gonna be on stage in half an hour and I’m already starting to feel sick .

Vincent} Johnny, I’ve got a tip for you. If you feel like you’re gonna be sick, just appreciate the fact that you’re not Clarkson. The man plays a shit piece of guitar and he looks like a bloody window cleaner .

Clarkson} Ah cheers, yeah, that’s well charming .

Johnny} You’re lucky I’m not gonna be sick in your mouth .

Gerry} Wow, all of this over band management. Unbelievable .

Desmond} Yeah I know, it’s silly, isn’t it, it’s silly .

Norvell} No wonder why we get at each other’s throats before rehearsal .

Johnny} Oh shut up, Norvell. You don’t know what it’s like to have such an important role in a rock group .

Norvell} Of course I know what it’s like. I hang around with you lot, I know what it’s like . Desmond never makes his own tea, you complain about the bloody tea bags, and Johnny doesn’t wash his pants, he bloody stinks, man .

Johnny} Yeah well, you do have a choice .

Norvell} What do you mean ” You do have a choice ”. I don’t have a choice. If I say that I don’t wanna do it, you say that you will skin me. Hah, ” You have a bloody choice ”, shut the shit, Johnny. You think you know naughty, you ain’t seen nothing yet !!! . { Norvell storms off}

{ Gerry starts laughing. Everyone is just sitting there, awkwardly, wondering what on earth just happened}

Santana} Norvell, calm down, it’s alright. { Tries to calm him down}

Norvell} Those bloody chickens. Why do I bother to cater for those bums ?. I’ve been to hell and back for those ungrateful clowns. For all these years, I have remained calm and patient, I have given them all spare rooms, I manage them. And they think I’m gonna kiss their fucking backsides ?. I am exausted, I am fucked off . They still treat me like a child . Like I’m an old boot waiting to be casted on the shore. I’ve lied on that bed for one second, one fucking second with not one thing on my back,I’ve eaten gruel for that cunt !!! .

Norvell’s read}

” Don’t even get me started on them, they’re fucking disgusting . And the fact  it brought me here, says a lot. You know what ?, I couldn’t give a shit that they have a gig in a few minutes, I couldn’t give a toss. I hope one of them has an accident on stage, I hope that Johnny falls off the stage and breaks his arm. Let the audience have trauma, I couldn’t give a shit ”

{ Act 2, they’re all wandering around and they’re still bickering}

Vincent} You know what, I couldn’t bother getting myself on stage. I’d rather rob a bank and go to prison than do this bloody shit show .

Johnny} You wanted to be in the band .

Vincent} Yeah, I’m allowed to change my mind, am I ?.

Johnny} No you can’t, because then that’s quitting, we don’t back down, we stick it tough. That’s why we’re called The Tough Ones, not the fucking Shit Ones .

Vincent} Right well, at least I can play the guitar, you can’t do jack shit .

Gerry} Oi guys, do you reckon we still have time to go over our rehearsal before the show starts ?.

Santana} Yeah I guess so. What do you reckon, Johnny ?. Do you think we should just go over everything ?.

Johnny} Yeah, I mean, I’m alright but if you lot fuck up, then you can .

Santana} Oh get out of here, just go near your guitar, Clarkson, we’re gonna make some serious musical shit .

{Next scene, Clarkson and Johnny and sitting down, discussing everything}

Clarkson} Right so, I was thinking maybe we can do like a sequence like ” Ring ring ring ”.

Johnny} No no, it’s not ring ring ring, it’s bam bam bam !!! . { Hitting his fists together} ” I’m sorry, but this is rock and roll, not village music, we’re taking the piss, aren’t we ?. It’s almost as if some other shit band got a hold of our music and created this shlock .

Desmond} Well, the way you’re acting now is 100 % village . You don’t know what you’re doing. The whole point is to make the audience think that we’re a hard rock group. If we go up there and start singing Yellow Submarine by The Beatles, they’ll think we’re taking the piss .

Johnny} Oh, if you think you’re so clever, Desmond, why don’t you do it ?. This whole thing’s a bloody piss take, just call the whole thing off . { Walks off}

Gerry} What are we gonna do then ?. They’re gonna be waiting for us, we can’t just pull out .

Johnny} Uh, I think we can. This isn’t Top Of The Pops, it’s on a bloody gardening show . It’s bloody Alan Titchmarsh . I think this is absolutely shit. If anything, I’m doing the right thing . You guys can go on in if you want .

Vincent} Nah, what’s the point ?. You’re the reason why we sound hard core, your voice gives it an edge . Without you, we sound like bloody death. Our fans are out there, they’re waiting for us. If we don’t turn up, it would be a sheer disappointment, so let’s just go out there and show those folks what real music is .

{ Next scene, they’re up on stage after finally convincing Johnny to do it}

Johnny} Right so, this is a little something that we came up with. We figured we would show you what we’re really about . We’re not the kind of geezers you think we are. We’re not shitless sacks of shite, we’re proper hard fuckers . We don’t sit down and talk about fucking figs for two hours .

Some idiot in the audience} Hahhhh, change your trousers, mate, you stink !!! . { The audience starts cackling}

Johnny} Oh fuck off, you mug. Don’t take the piss, You probably have to spoon shite out of knickers every time you bloody wash !!! .

The idiot in the audience} Oh shut up .

Johnny} Look at you, you narcissists . You all think that everything evolves around you. But you see, tonight’s not about you, it’s about us, so you can grab your shit and get the fuck out of here. Right, this is a song that we wrote, it’s about not giving a fuck. Right, are we ready, boys ?.

Vincent} Ready .

Johnny} Alrighty then, here we go, 1 2 3 4 . { They start playing} { They play like lounge music and it’s really shit}

{ The audience boos them}

Johnny} Oh fuck off. Bloody shit, bloody instruments, bloody rock and roll. This is fucking joke. { He gets off the stage and runs out, looking like he’s about to punch someone}

Vincent} Woah woah woah, Johnny, Johnny, what happened ?.

Johnny} It’s a fucking joke !!!. Get that fire exit door, I’m off . { He storms off}

Santana} Where’s he gone ?.

Gerry} Check on him, please, someone . Oi, Norvell, come here for a minute, Johnny’s lost it, he might need your help .

Norvell} Hah, I couldn’t give a shit .

Gerry} Just make sure he doesn’t kill someone or something, yeah ?.

Johnny} Not doing that again. Bloody taking the piss .

End of script}

 

 

 

 

 

A Struggling Writer Has A Mental Breakdown, Script 4

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is in the councillor’s office once again}

Richard} Oh bloody hell, sir. That thing you told me to do was absolute shit .

The councillor} It’s not shit, it’s zen .

Richard} When the fuck have I ever done zen ?.

The councillor} It’s a good thing to do when you’re under stress .

Richard} Hah, ” It’s a good thing to do when you’re under stress ”. Bloody, you shouldn’t be under stress anyway. What is zen anyway ?, is it this thing that they do in like buddist temples ?.

The councillor} Sort of, yeah, It’s got nothing to do with buddist temples though .

Richard} Right ok, um, can we just change the subject, please ?. I feel like this whole conversation is just centered around zen and I don’t like it .

The councillor} Ok, yeah of course, of course. Ok so, what do you wanna talk about ?.

Richard} I don’t know, really .

The councillor} Is there anything you wanna discuss ?.

Richard} Yes, anything but zen .

The councillor} Why, what’s wrong with zen ?.

Richard} It’s a load of old shit, I mean. Who does zen anyway ?, what does it even mean ?. When someone says zen, you know they’re off their heads. Bloody mental, mental mental .

The councillor} Richard, it’s not what you think it is. Whatever zen you may be thinking of, it’s nothing to do with this, I promise .

Richard} You’re not gonna teach me bloody zen, alright ?, forget that .

The councillor} I’m not teaching you zen .

Richard} What then ?. I can’t do this shit, man, you with your demented sessions. I thought you were helping me with self asteem and confidence, not Zen addiction. You’re not getting in my head. Bloody hell !!! .

The councillor} I am helping you with confidence though, I am .

Richard} Well no, you’re not though . Right, so how comes my stories are still shit. Every script includes a bloody squirrel and a cat. They talk about bloody marriage and divorce. Can they even get married ?. They can’t even poke their heads through a tree, how are they gonna get married ?. Bloody useless shit !!!. I can’t do that shit, what the fuck !!! .

The councillor} How do you know it’s really bad ?.

Richard} I know it’s shit, cause I wrote it. It came out of my own brain. Bloody monkey brains, help me .

The councillor} Come on, Richard, you can’t keep doing this. Look, is it really that bad ?.

Richard} Yes it’s bad. It’s as bad as death. It’s like having a really slow death, a painful one .

The councillor} That’s a bit harsh .

Richard} I know it’s harsh but it’s shit. I ain’t doing a story about bloody squirrel .

The councillor} It might be a good story though. You can think of something great with that premise. It could be like a coming of age story .

Richard} Coming of age ?, piss off, what coming of age ?. Coming of death, more like. It’s gonna be like bloody Four Weddings and a Funeral but instead of four weddings, there’s like ten funerals. They all read this story and they all die from boredom. And you’re not gonna get Hugh Grant to play Charles, they’re gonna get bloody Dean Gaffney .

The councillor} What, what’s wrong with that ?. { Richard has a breakdown and almost starts crying}

Richard} It’s shit . You’re gonna get him to play the character and he looks like he works in Dalston market .

The councillor} Have you wrote the story already ?, or is that just an idea of yours ?.

Richard} See, that’s the thing, isn’t it ?. It’s too shit to put it on paper. I’ve got a bit of it in my head. Just let me know when you’ve had enough, I’ll save you from trauma .

The councillor} Alright. Show me what you’ve got .

Richard} Right ok. A squirrel meets a feline friend .

The councillor} Wow, getting straight into it. Don’t even need a proper introduction, you’re cutting right through the bullshit. I like it .

Richard} Oh trust me, when I get to the actual story, you’ll regret everything .

{A few minutes later, Richard is reading the story and the councillor is regretting it straight away, it’s gone straight into the plot and John is fucked}

Richard} It’s the squirrel and cat team. The squirrel doesn’t like the cat, the cat doesn’t like the squirrel but they have to work together whether they like it or not, which is shit because animals shouldn’t be forced to work together . Now, the squirrel’s gonna jump onto the cat and oh bloody hell, he’s only gone and done it. This is shit, you know ?, this bloody story. Why would Hollywood want this fucking dross ?. I’m going, you’re taking the piss .

The councillor} Richard, what happened to the rest of the story, come on, I wanna know what happens .

Richard} No it’s bloody shit, forget it. Take the piss . { He walks out}

The councillor stares at the camera}

The councillor} Right, he needs zen.

End of script}

 

A Struggling Writer Who Has Had A Mental Breakdown, Script 3

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is in the hallway, having another one of his breakdowns, but it’s even worse, cos this time, he’s reading one of his infamous scripts which is even worse than anything else in this world and he’s completly lost it}

Richard} To all the gods of Hatchworth House, now may I speak ?. I was awaken from my slumber by a crow calling out five times. Ehhhh, Ehhhh, Ehhhh, Ehhh, Ehhh, what the fuck was that ?, that wasn’t a crow, that was a girl crying in the woods. Uh anyway, it was something to do with wine and girls and something like that . You want circus, I’ll give you circus. Let me hear you roar . I’m gonna set this bloody house on fire. This isn’t fucking Hamilton. I bloody love Hamilton, not this fucking dross. Ahhhhh, forgive me father, forgive me for all this crap I have done. I apologize if I look like a clown . What’s done is done .

{ Some random man walks past}

The man} That was rubbish.

Richard} You’re not supposed to get it, it’s art !!!! .

The man} But it was boring though .

Richard} Shut up, you bloody racist !!! . { He says it in a different accent} ” Get outta he, I’ve had enough of youz ”.

The man} What the bloody hell are you doing, man ?, for fuck sake .

Richard} Get out, get out. When I say you get out, you get out !!! .

{ Next scene, Richard is called back into the councillor’s office, and the councillor is trying his very best to stay calm}

The councillor} Now, Richard. Would you mind telling me what in the name of jesus just happened here ?.

Richard} Art. That’s all I have to say .

The councillor} You chased Charlie round the building and you threatened to kill him .

Richard} Yep, that’s also art .

The councillor} You nutcase .

Richard} Cheers. We’re all nutcases, you’re one as well .

The councillor} Oh I’m not a nutcase. Who are you calling a nut case ?.

Richard} You sir, are a nut case .

The councillor} No I’m not. What makes you think that I’m a nut case ?.

Richard} You prove time and time again that you’re a nutcase. You look underneath your desk every time I’m talking to you .

The councillor} I don’t look underneath my desk. What nonsense .

Richard} Right so, what were you doing just now then ?.

The councillor} I was looking underneath my desk.

Richard} Bingo. See, I told you, didn’t I ?. You were looking underneath your desk. You are a nutcase .

The councillor} No, but that was like two and a half hours ago. That was a long long time ago. It’s so out of the question .

Richard} Two hours isn’t that long .

The councillor} Well, it feels like forever .

Richard} Hah, I pity your wife if you think two hours is forever .

The councillor} Richard, shut up .

Richard} Look, I don’t know what time wavelength you’re thinking of, but two hours is not forever .

The councillor} Ugh whatever. Anyway so, we’re gonna have to do something about this, Richard .

Richard} Do something about what ?.

The councillor} About all this assault and aggression nonsense .

Richard} Yeah you’re right, it is nonsense .

The councillor} No it’s not nonsense, it’s serious. We need to something about this .

Richard} What do you want me to do about it ?. I can’t do shit, bloody .

The councillor} Well you need to, because you’re driving yourself mad. You’re going around and you’re picking a fight with people. Are you being serious, Richard ?. This is unacceptable. You shouted at a wall and you scared some little kids .

Richard} Kids ?. Why on earth were there kids in the building ?.

The councillor} I don’t know, they all come for a bring your kid into work day, they do it every six months .

Richard} Nah man, that’s absolute bullshit. When the fuck do kids come here ?. When ? !!!, when ? !!! .

The councillor} All the time, all the time. They have certain days though, that’s the thing. They leave out the Mondays and Tuesdays and they usually go for the Thursdays and Fridays instead .

Richard} Yeah but, shouldn’t they just leave the kids at home ?. There’s nothing to in places like these, it’s bloody boring. Even I feel like I’m drifting off whilst we’re talking about this . Imagine how the kids feel, god blimey .

The councillor} There’s a lot to explore in therapy, Richard .

Richard} What, oh yeah, that’s right, you’re glueing the cracks of someone’s wounded mind. You therapists are mad as well, you know ?. You’re trying to help people but you all need help yourselves. And if it’s possible, you need more than the patients .

The councillor} Nonsense. Us therapists are more sane than anyone else. It’s our job to heal you lot .

Richard} You’re not healing me. Absolutely fucking not .

The councillor} Well, probably after everything you’ve done, you need healing . It’s the best thing for you, it will do you the world of good .

Richard} Nah man, if it ever came to that, I’d probably have a mental breakdown or something. You, you can’t handle the facts, John, you’d probably fall down .

The councillor} Why are you going around, hitting people ?. Jack from the fifth floor said that you approached him and you attacked him with a stick. He’s got a black eye now. You can’t even see his face, it’s that bad . He has to walk around with a patch on his eye, he looks like a bloody pirate .

Richard} Oh, you believe Jack ?. You believe in what he says ?. Don’t fall for his shit. The man comes out with more shit then an arsehole. You believe him ?.

The councillor} Well, if it comes from Jack, it must be true. And I know that for a fact because I’ve seen you do it before .

Richard} What do you see me doing ?. What, do you see me doing the bloody tango ?. { Starts dancing} ” Do I go like ” Ding, ding ding, ding ding ”. Fuck off, you wish I did that . Man, you’re so full of shit. I just can’t believe I’m sitting in this chair, bloody Ricoco legs. Look see, see how shit it is, it’s falling out of my hands . Slippery fuck .

The councillor} No, Richard, don’t do that, you’ll break the chair .

Richard} Oh don’t worry about it, it’s unbreakable . ” Weeeee. { He breaks the chair and falls back}

The councillor} Richard. what the fuck ?. What did I tell you ?.

Richard} What, what did you tell me ?.

The councillor} I told you not to rock the chair, did I ?.

Richard} Yeah, you tell me everything .

The councillor} So why don’t you listen to me then ?.

Richard} Because, you talk shit sometimes, most of the time, more like. Your words have no place in my muscle memory .

The councillor} That chair was expensive, you know ?. It’s made of led. Do you know what led is ?.

Richard} Is it like a shit ?.

The councillor} No it’s not, it’s a type of wood .

Richard} Right well, it was close enough anyway . Huh, anyway, enough of all this shit about wood, let’s get down to business . Oi sir, can I read you a story ?.

The councillor} Yes but is it long ?. How long is it ?.

Richard} It’s long, you bloody. You tell me this every time I try and read you a script. Why would you give a shit if it was long, sir ?. It’s nothing, it’s like bloody, it’s like a bloody LSD acid trip . If I got a job elsewhere, I couldn’t give a toss. But you see, I’m all psyched up to read you this thesis and you look like you’ve just come from a dust bin .

The councillor} Ok well, read it then, I wanna hear this, let’s hear it then .

Richard} Ok then. Ok so, once upon a time there was a dancing tree. The dancing tree was planted in the bronx. Unlike any other tree, this one was very special. This tree could dance. It couldn’t do anything but jive .

{ A few minutes later, he’s still reading}

Richard} Everyone just walked past and they didn’t even admire him. Serves him right for treating all the other trees like shit .  ”La la la la la la, weh weh weh weh, I’m a dancing tree, I cannot be stopped . This is fun, I’m in a world of fantasy. { Sings} ” Haaaaaa ”. { Suddenly stops and shouts in a deep voice} ” I’m gonna eat your face ”.

The councillor} Alright, alright, Richard, that’s enough. You can stop reading now .

Richard} No but it coming up to a really good part. The tree finally stops dancing and it eats the farmer’s face .

The councillor} Blimey .

Richard} That one’s good and then there’s this other one that’s about this girl who forms an unlikely bond with a Sumo wrestler. Guess what country that’s set in .

The councillor} What country is it ?.

Richard} South Korea . { He says it proudly}

The councillor} Right .

Richard} It goes. As I walk the streets at midnight, A man hides in the shadows in a convent in South Korea. The little girl stares with curiousity . Then, she hears a man shouting in the street, almost shattering the windows . No one really knows what he’s on about, he just shouts to himself on lonesome nights . ” When I say get out, you get out !!! ”. ” This man, he’s touching everything, I feel like I’m having a heart attack over here, help me please, help me ”. Still, no one really knows what he’s on about. ” You see, I had, I had cheese, I had cheese and it made my neck go really big ”. ” Boh cheese ”.

The councillor} Nooooo .

End of script}