A Struggling Writer Who Has Had A Mental Breakdown, Script 3

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is in the hallway, having another one of his breakdowns, but it’s even worse, cos this time, he’s reading one of his infamous scripts which is even worse than anything else in this world and he’s completly lost it}

Richard} To all the gods of Hatchworth House, now may I speak ?. I was awaken from my slumber by a crow calling out five times. Ehhhh, Ehhhh, Ehhhh, Ehhh, Ehhh, what the fuck was that ?, that wasn’t a crow, that was a girl crying in the woods. Uh anyway, it was something to do with wine and girls and something like that . You want circus, I’ll give you circus. Let me hear you roar . I’m gonna set this bloody house on fire. This isn’t fucking Hamilton. I bloody love Hamilton, not this fucking dross. Ahhhhh, forgive me father, forgive me for all this crap I have done. I apologize if I look like a clown . What’s done is done .

{ Some random man walks past}

The man} That was rubbish.

Richard} You’re not supposed to get it, it’s art !!!! .

The man} But it was boring though .

Richard} Shut up, you bloody racist !!! . { He says it in a different accent} ” Get outta he, I’ve had enough of youz ”.

The man} What the bloody hell are you doing, man ?, for fuck sake .

Richard} Get out, get out. When I say you get out, you get out !!! .

{ Next scene, Richard is called back into the councillor’s office, and the councillor is trying his very best to stay calm}

The councillor} Now, Richard. Would you mind telling me what in the name of jesus just happened here ?.

Richard} Art. That’s all I have to say .

The councillor} You chased Charlie round the building and you threatened to kill him .

Richard} Yep, that’s also art .

The councillor} You nutcase .

Richard} Cheers. We’re all nutcases, you’re one as well .

The councillor} Oh I’m not a nutcase. Who are you calling a nut case ?.

Richard} You sir, are a nut case .

The councillor} No I’m not. What makes you think that I’m a nut case ?.

Richard} You prove time and time again that you’re a nutcase. You look underneath your desk every time I’m talking to you .

The councillor} I don’t look underneath my desk. What nonsense .

Richard} Right so, what were you doing just now then ?.

The councillor} I was looking underneath my desk.

Richard} Bingo. See, I told you, didn’t I ?. You were looking underneath your desk. You are a nutcase .

The councillor} No, but that was like two and a half hours ago. That was a long long time ago. It’s so out of the question .

Richard} Two hours isn’t that long .

The councillor} Well, it feels like forever .

Richard} Hah, I pity your wife if you think two hours is forever .

The councillor} Richard, shut up .

Richard} Look, I don’t know what time wavelength you’re thinking of, but two hours is not forever .

The councillor} Ugh whatever. Anyway so, we’re gonna have to do something about this, Richard .

Richard} Do something about what ?.

The councillor} About all this assault and aggression nonsense .

Richard} Yeah you’re right, it is nonsense .

The councillor} No it’s not nonsense, it’s serious. We need to something about this .

Richard} What do you want me to do about it ?. I can’t do shit, bloody .

The councillor} Well you need to, because you’re driving yourself mad. You’re going around and you’re picking a fight with people. Are you being serious, Richard ?. This is unacceptable. You shouted at a wall and you scared some little kids .

Richard} Kids ?. Why on earth were there kids in the building ?.

The councillor} I don’t know, they all come for a bring your kid into work day, they do it every six months .

Richard} Nah man, that’s absolute bullshit. When the fuck do kids come here ?. When ? !!!, when ? !!! .

The councillor} All the time, all the time. They have certain days though, that’s the thing. They leave out the Mondays and Tuesdays and they usually go for the Thursdays and Fridays instead .

Richard} Yeah but, shouldn’t they just leave the kids at home ?. There’s nothing to in places like these, it’s bloody boring. Even I feel like I’m drifting off whilst we’re talking about this . Imagine how the kids feel, god blimey .

The councillor} There’s a lot to explore in therapy, Richard .

Richard} What, oh yeah, that’s right, you’re glueing the cracks of someone’s wounded mind. You therapists are mad as well, you know ?. You’re trying to help people but you all need help yourselves. And if it’s possible, you need more than the patients .

The councillor} Nonsense. Us therapists are more sane than anyone else. It’s our job to heal you lot .

Richard} You’re not healing me. Absolutely fucking not .

The councillor} Well, probably after everything you’ve done, you need healing . It’s the best thing for you, it will do you the world of good .

Richard} Nah man, if it ever came to that, I’d probably have a mental breakdown or something. You, you can’t handle the facts, John, you’d probably fall down .

The councillor} Why are you going around, hitting people ?. Jack from the fifth floor said that you approached him and you attacked him with a stick. He’s got a black eye now. You can’t even see his face, it’s that bad . He has to walk around with a patch on his eye, he looks like a bloody pirate .

Richard} Oh, you believe Jack ?. You believe in what he says ?. Don’t fall for his shit. The man comes out with more shit then an arsehole. You believe him ?.

The councillor} Well, if it comes from Jack, it must be true. And I know that for a fact because I’ve seen you do it before .

Richard} What do you see me doing ?. What, do you see me doing the bloody tango ?. { Starts dancing} ” Do I go like ” Ding, ding ding, ding ding ”. Fuck off, you wish I did that . Man, you’re so full of shit. I just can’t believe I’m sitting in this chair, bloody Ricoco legs. Look see, see how shit it is, it’s falling out of my hands . Slippery fuck .

The councillor} No, Richard, don’t do that, you’ll break the chair .

Richard} Oh don’t worry about it, it’s unbreakable . ” Weeeee. { He breaks the chair and falls back}

The councillor} Richard. what the fuck ?. What did I tell you ?.

Richard} What, what did you tell me ?.

The councillor} I told you not to rock the chair, did I ?.

Richard} Yeah, you tell me everything .

The councillor} So why don’t you listen to me then ?.

Richard} Because, you talk shit sometimes, most of the time, more like. Your words have no place in my muscle memory .

The councillor} That chair was expensive, you know ?. It’s made of led. Do you know what led is ?.

Richard} Is it like a shit ?.

The councillor} No it’s not, it’s a type of wood .

Richard} Right well, it was close enough anyway . Huh, anyway, enough of all this shit about wood, let’s get down to business . Oi sir, can I read you a story ?.

The councillor} Yes but is it long ?. How long is it ?.

Richard} It’s long, you bloody. You tell me this every time I try and read you a script. Why would you give a shit if it was long, sir ?. It’s nothing, it’s like bloody, it’s like a bloody LSD acid trip . If I got a job elsewhere, I couldn’t give a toss. But you see, I’m all psyched up to read you this thesis and you look like you’ve just come from a dust bin .

The councillor} Ok well, read it then, I wanna hear this, let’s hear it then .

Richard} Ok then. Ok so, once upon a time there was a dancing tree. The dancing tree was planted in the bronx. Unlike any other tree, this one was very special. This tree could dance. It couldn’t do anything but jive .

{ A few minutes later, he’s still reading}

Richard} Everyone just walked past and they didn’t even admire him. Serves him right for treating all the other trees like shit .  ”La la la la la la, weh weh weh weh, I’m a dancing tree, I cannot be stopped . This is fun, I’m in a world of fantasy. { Sings} ” Haaaaaa ”. { Suddenly stops and shouts in a deep voice} ” I’m gonna eat your face ”.

The councillor} Alright, alright, Richard, that’s enough. You can stop reading now .

Richard} No but it coming up to a really good part. The tree finally stops dancing and it eats the farmer’s face .

The councillor} Blimey .

Richard} That one’s good and then there’s this other one that’s about this girl who forms an unlikely bond with a Sumo wrestler. Guess what country that’s set in .

The councillor} What country is it ?.

Richard} South Korea . { He says it proudly}

The councillor} Right .

Richard} It goes. As I walk the streets at midnight, A man hides in the shadows in a convent in South Korea. The little girl stares with curiousity . Then, she hears a man shouting in the street, almost shattering the windows . No one really knows what he’s on about, he just shouts to himself on lonesome nights . ” When I say get out, you get out !!! ”. ” This man, he’s touching everything, I feel like I’m having a heart attack over here, help me please, help me ”. Still, no one really knows what he’s on about. ” You see, I had, I had cheese, I had cheese and it made my neck go really big ”. ” Boh cheese ”.

The councillor} Nooooo .

End of script}