A Struggling Writer Has A Mental Breakdown, Script 4

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, Richard is in the councillor’s office once again}

Richard} Oh bloody hell, sir. That thing you told me to do was absolute shit .

The councillor} It’s not shit, it’s zen .

Richard} When the fuck have I ever done zen ?.

The councillor} It’s a good thing to do when you’re under stress .

Richard} Hah, ” It’s a good thing to do when you’re under stress ”. Bloody, you shouldn’t be under stress anyway. What is zen anyway ?, is it this thing that they do in like buddist temples ?.

The councillor} Sort of, yeah, It’s got nothing to do with buddist temples though .

Richard} Right ok, um, can we just change the subject, please ?. I feel like this whole conversation is just centered around zen and I don’t like it .

The councillor} Ok, yeah of course, of course. Ok so, what do you wanna talk about ?.

Richard} I don’t know, really .

The councillor} Is there anything you wanna discuss ?.

Richard} Yes, anything but zen .

The councillor} Why, what’s wrong with zen ?.

Richard} It’s a load of old shit, I mean. Who does zen anyway ?, what does it even mean ?. When someone says zen, you know they’re off their heads. Bloody mental, mental mental .

The councillor} Richard, it’s not what you think it is. Whatever zen you may be thinking of, it’s nothing to do with this, I promise .

Richard} You’re not gonna teach me bloody zen, alright ?, forget that .

The councillor} I’m not teaching you zen .

Richard} What then ?. I can’t do this shit, man, you with your demented sessions. I thought you were helping me with self asteem and confidence, not Zen addiction. You’re not getting in my head. Bloody hell !!! .

The councillor} I am helping you with confidence though, I am .

Richard} Well no, you’re not though . Right, so how comes my stories are still shit. Every script includes a bloody squirrel and a cat. They talk about bloody marriage and divorce. Can they even get married ?. They can’t even poke their heads through a tree, how are they gonna get married ?. Bloody useless shit !!!. I can’t do that shit, what the fuck !!! .

The councillor} How do you know it’s really bad ?.

Richard} I know it’s shit, cause I wrote it. It came out of my own brain. Bloody monkey brains, help me .

The councillor} Come on, Richard, you can’t keep doing this. Look, is it really that bad ?.

Richard} Yes it’s bad. It’s as bad as death. It’s like having a really slow death, a painful one .

The councillor} That’s a bit harsh .

Richard} I know it’s harsh but it’s shit. I ain’t doing a story about bloody squirrel .

The councillor} It might be a good story though. You can think of something great with that premise. It could be like a coming of age story .

Richard} Coming of age ?, piss off, what coming of age ?. Coming of death, more like. It’s gonna be like bloody Four Weddings and a Funeral but instead of four weddings, there’s like ten funerals. They all read this story and they all die from boredom. And you’re not gonna get Hugh Grant to play Charles, they’re gonna get bloody Dean Gaffney .

The councillor} What, what’s wrong with that ?. { Richard has a breakdown and almost starts crying}

Richard} It’s shit . You’re gonna get him to play the character and he looks like he works in Dalston market .

The councillor} Have you wrote the story already ?, or is that just an idea of yours ?.

Richard} See, that’s the thing, isn’t it ?. It’s too shit to put it on paper. I’ve got a bit of it in my head. Just let me know when you’ve had enough, I’ll save you from trauma .

The councillor} Alright. Show me what you’ve got .

Richard} Right ok. A squirrel meets a feline friend .

The councillor} Wow, getting straight into it. Don’t even need a proper introduction, you’re cutting right through the bullshit. I like it .

Richard} Oh trust me, when I get to the actual story, you’ll regret everything .

{A few minutes later, Richard is reading the story and the councillor is regretting it straight away, it’s gone straight into the plot and John is fucked}

Richard} It’s the squirrel and cat team. The squirrel doesn’t like the cat, the cat doesn’t like the squirrel but they have to work together whether they like it or not, which is shit because animals shouldn’t be forced to work together . Now, the squirrel’s gonna jump onto the cat and oh bloody hell, he’s only gone and done it. This is shit, you know ?, this bloody story. Why would Hollywood want this fucking dross ?. I’m going, you’re taking the piss .

The councillor} Richard, what happened to the rest of the story, come on, I wanna know what happens .

Richard} No it’s bloody shit, forget it. Take the piss . { He walks out}

The councillor stares at the camera}

The councillor} Right, he needs zen.

End of script}