An Entirely New Script, A Band Just Pissing Each Other Off For Hours Before A Gig

Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing well. I have something very special in store for you lot today . I have just written a new script . It’s about this band members who are in a rock group called the Tough Ones and the script is about a band just bickering for hours on end right before they have a gig. They have a gig on in half an hour and they’re just in there bickering, arguing and slacking off whilst the audience is just waiting for them. I think it’s really funny . It just shows you how demented everyone is . I hope you enjoy it .

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{First scene, everyone’s sitting around, Vincent, the guitarist is looking at himself in the mirror just admiring himself because he’s a parasite, meanwhile, Johnny couldn’t give a shit}

Johnny} Why the bloody hell do you wanna get Gerry to play the drums ?. He can’t even hold a bloody drum stick properly .

Vincent} We got Gerry to play the drums because we can’t find anyone else to do it .

Johnny} Oi, Gerry’s not the only person who can play the drums. Just cut the shit, Vinny .

Vincent} My name isn’t Vinny, it’s Vincent .

Johnny} Oh piss off .

Vincent} Look alright. Gerry’s gonna play the drums, you’re gonna sing .

Johnny} You’re damn right I am, I’m gonna sing. And I’m bloody good at it as well .

Clarkson} Oh don’t get Johnny to sing .

Vincent} Why, what’s wrong with Johnny’s singing ?. I think he’s alright .

Johnny} You what ?. { He walks up to him}

Clarkson} Yeah, you can’t hold a bloody tune.

Johnny} That’s wrong .

Clarkson} Right well, sing then .

{Johnny starts singing}

Johnny} Haaaaa, I would go out tonight .

Clarkson} My god, Johnny, It sounds like you’re singing in a fucking alleyway .

Johnny} Hah, like you can do any better .

Clarkson} Vincent, you can’t get a singer who can’t fucking sing !!! .

Gerry} Exactly .

Johnny} Yeah, and you can’t have a drummer who can’t play the drums .

Santana} Guys, guys, come on. Get yourselves together. We have a show on in a few minutes, the audience will be waiting for us, you lot are bloody scrambling over who can sing or not ,

Johnny} Santana, shut up, you’re making me nervous . We’re gonna be on stage in half an hour and I’m already starting to feel sick .

Vincent} Johnny, I’ve got a tip for you. If you feel like you’re gonna be sick, just appreciate the fact that you’re not Clarkson. The man plays a shit piece of guitar and he looks like a bloody window cleaner .

Clarkson} Ah cheers, yeah, that’s well charming .

Johnny} You’re lucky I’m not gonna be sick in your mouth .

Gerry} Wow, all of this over band management. Unbelievable .

Desmond} Yeah I know, it’s silly, isn’t it, it’s silly .

Norvell} No wonder why we get at each other’s throats before rehearsal .

Johnny} Oh shut up, Norvell. You don’t know what it’s like to have such an important role in a rock group .

Norvell} Of course I know what it’s like. I hang around with you lot, I know what it’s like . Desmond never makes his own tea, you complain about the bloody tea bags, and Johnny doesn’t wash his pants, he bloody stinks, man .

Johnny} Yeah well, you do have a choice .

Norvell} What do you mean ” You do have a choice ”. I don’t have a choice. If I say that I don’t wanna do it, you say that you will skin me. Hah, ” You have a bloody choice ”, shut the shit, Johnny. You think you know naughty, you ain’t seen nothing yet !!! . { Norvell storms off}

{ Gerry starts laughing. Everyone is just sitting there, awkwardly, wondering what on earth just happened}

Santana} Norvell, calm down, it’s alright. { Tries to calm him down}

Norvell} Those bloody chickens. Why do I bother to cater for those bums ?. I’ve been to hell and back for those ungrateful clowns. For all these years, I have remained calm and patient, I have given them all spare rooms, I manage them. And they think I’m gonna kiss their fucking backsides ?. I am exausted, I am fucked off . They still treat me like a child . Like I’m an old boot waiting to be casted on the shore. I’ve lied on that bed for one second, one fucking second with not one thing on my back,I’ve eaten gruel for that cunt !!! .

Norvell’s read}

” Don’t even get me started on them, they’re fucking disgusting . And the fact  it brought me here, says a lot. You know what ?, I couldn’t give a shit that they have a gig in a few minutes, I couldn’t give a toss. I hope one of them has an accident on stage, I hope that Johnny falls off the stage and breaks his arm. Let the audience have trauma, I couldn’t give a shit ”

{ Act 2, they’re all wandering around and they’re still bickering}

Vincent} You know what, I couldn’t bother getting myself on stage. I’d rather rob a bank and go to prison than do this bloody shit show .

Johnny} You wanted to be in the band .

Vincent} Yeah, I’m allowed to change my mind, am I ?.

Johnny} No you can’t, because then that’s quitting, we don’t back down, we stick it tough. That’s why we’re called The Tough Ones, not the fucking Shit Ones .

Vincent} Right well, at least I can play the guitar, you can’t do jack shit .

Gerry} Oi guys, do you reckon we still have time to go over our rehearsal before the show starts ?.

Santana} Yeah I guess so. What do you reckon, Johnny ?. Do you think we should just go over everything ?.

Johnny} Yeah, I mean, I’m alright but if you lot fuck up, then you can .

Santana} Oh get out of here, just go near your guitar, Clarkson, we’re gonna make some serious musical shit .

{Next scene, Clarkson and Johnny and sitting down, discussing everything}

Clarkson} Right so, I was thinking maybe we can do like a sequence like ” Ring ring ring ”.

Johnny} No no, it’s not ring ring ring, it’s bam bam bam !!! . { Hitting his fists together} ” I’m sorry, but this is rock and roll, not village music, we’re taking the piss, aren’t we ?. It’s almost as if some other shit band got a hold of our music and created this shlock .

Desmond} Well, the way you’re acting now is 100 % village . You don’t know what you’re doing. The whole point is to make the audience think that we’re a hard rock group. If we go up there and start singing Yellow Submarine by The Beatles, they’ll think we’re taking the piss .

Johnny} Oh, if you think you’re so clever, Desmond, why don’t you do it ?. This whole thing’s a bloody piss take, just call the whole thing off . { Walks off}

Gerry} What are we gonna do then ?. They’re gonna be waiting for us, we can’t just pull out .

Johnny} Uh, I think we can. This isn’t Top Of The Pops, it’s on a bloody gardening show . It’s bloody Alan Titchmarsh . I think this is absolutely shit. If anything, I’m doing the right thing . You guys can go on in if you want .

Vincent} Nah, what’s the point ?. You’re the reason why we sound hard core, your voice gives it an edge . Without you, we sound like bloody death. Our fans are out there, they’re waiting for us. If we don’t turn up, it would be a sheer disappointment, so let’s just go out there and show those folks what real music is .

{ Next scene, they’re up on stage after finally convincing Johnny to do it}

Johnny} Right so, this is a little something that we came up with. We figured we would show you what we’re really about . We’re not the kind of geezers you think we are. We’re not shitless sacks of shite, we’re proper hard fuckers . We don’t sit down and talk about fucking figs for two hours .

Some idiot in the audience} Hahhhh, change your trousers, mate, you stink !!! . { The audience starts cackling}

Johnny} Oh fuck off, you mug. Don’t take the piss, You probably have to spoon shite out of knickers every time you bloody wash !!! .

The idiot in the audience} Oh shut up .

Johnny} Look at you, you narcissists . You all think that everything evolves around you. But you see, tonight’s not about you, it’s about us, so you can grab your shit and get the fuck out of here. Right, this is a song that we wrote, it’s about not giving a fuck. Right, are we ready, boys ?.

Vincent} Ready .

Johnny} Alrighty then, here we go, 1 2 3 4 . { They start playing} { They play like lounge music and it’s really shit}

{ The audience boos them}

Johnny} Oh fuck off. Bloody shit, bloody instruments, bloody rock and roll. This is fucking joke. { He gets off the stage and runs out, looking like he’s about to punch someone}

Vincent} Woah woah woah, Johnny, Johnny, what happened ?.

Johnny} It’s a fucking joke !!!. Get that fire exit door, I’m off . { He storms off}

Santana} Where’s he gone ?.

Gerry} Check on him, please, someone . Oi, Norvell, come here for a minute, Johnny’s lost it, he might need your help .

Norvell} Hah, I couldn’t give a shit .

Gerry} Just make sure he doesn’t kill someone or something, yeah ?.

Johnny} Not doing that again. Bloody taking the piss .

End of script}