The Kids On The East Side Of Town, Chapter 13, When You See An Eagle Fly By, Think Of Me

{Warning, contains strong language}

Last night. I didn’t get any sleep . No sleep whatsoever . I tried closing my eyes but I didn’t get anywhere. No matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t fall asleep . Every time I closed my eyes, I had witnessed some very horrifying and disturbing events . I kept seeing each and every one of my mates lying on the floor, drenched in blood. Every time I looked down, I had blood on my hands. My palms were drenched in blood . I woke up several times, during the night. Straight into the Cat and Dog. I tried to rinse my hands under the tap, but it just wasn’t coming off . Maybe I am a murderer. Oh, please, god, please let me understand, I’m helpless . I’ve made a mistake, I’ve made a terrible terrible mistake . If this is a dream, just let me go back to sleep .

Those are my mates, I’ve just killed there. Ar, what have I done ?, what have I done ?. I haven’t been able to sleep for about two nights now. It’s starting to scare the shit out of me now. I can’t even close my eyes without seeing Jamie getting killed . Which is kind of strange, since I wasn’t there when all that shit kicked off. I was at home when Jamie died . I was at home when Jamie took that extra step and jumped off a cliff . Why the fuck am I getting hilucinations about that. It’s fucking weird, man . I don’t even know what to think. It’s all just been a bit too much for me, to be honest . I don’t think that things will be able to go back to how they were . A lot of damage has already been done. I could go back and change everything, because believe you me, I would . So I tried to get my life together . Start all over again, but I couldn’t finish what I started . I can’t go back now. But Jesus, wouldn’t it be great if I could. I’d jump at the chance. This life means nothing to me now .

I tried to go about my day. I tried to get out of bed, brush my teeth, get dressed . Every single thing every normal person would experience in their daily lives, but it was a big push . I’ve never felt like this before . Now, it just feels like a chore. I’ve got no energy . I just feel dead. But somehow, I’m still breathing so that’s a bloody miracle. I just wanna be dead. All this effort for what ?. I could end it all today, and it wouldn’t mean a thing .

I was thinking a lot about what my old man told me, lately, and um, I was thinking . If this is the end, then why the fuck am I still going then. Think about it, yeah ?. If this is the end, then I would be dead too. But I’m still here, I’m still here . My dad was right, this is the beginning, and you know how I’m gonna start this new chapter. I’m gonna go and get the hell on out of this house, and I’m gonna go and speak to one of the Rejects . It’s about time I finally confronted those geezers . I should have done this earlier, but it’s better late then never . This is the beginning of a new chapter and I’m going out with a bang. I’m gonna make all my mates proud. They’re gonna be up there, probably laughing their heads off, cause this is so fucking ridiculous, but then again, when do I not do ridiculous things . I’m gonna spoon feed that geezer some of my bullshit and watch him bleed. That fucking Magnum of piss. But first, I’m gonna go on a walk, cause I bloody need one . Do not interrupt me, otherwise I’m gonna fucking batter you . I’m gonna show you who’s the king .

After getting it together. I started walking down the alleyways, the homicidal wasteland. Where the Rejects hang around. The official rudeboys and shit. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. I may be too out of my depth here . But I couldn’t give a monkees. I’m doing it all for a good reason. So that one of them doesn’t go ape shit and come to my house during the night and murders me in my sleep. I’m nipping it in the bud. Like a man. I’m not a shitter. I’m proved that time and time again, just have to make sure it’s real, this time . After I walked a little closer, Logan pulled me up . He was still hungry for power. Of course he is. Man lives off of power. He can’t get enough of it, it seems . I know what power I’m gonna give him, I’m gonna punch him in the boat race . That’s about as powerful as it can possibly get . He won’t even be able to function after that, and rightly so. I couldn’t give a monkees. Let the geezer shit himself, it’s good for him. It’s a real life lesson. Everyone’s in it for the fucking rat race . And oh look, he’s standing there. Hey look everybody, it’s Leaky man. Ready to piss in my mouth . I’d break his fucking pelvis . I could piss in his, if he gave me the chance. Fucking revolting, fucking sick bastard . No, don’t look at me like that, you pisser. I’m gonna fucking do you in .

” Oi, look who it is, the Eagle is back. What do you want, you mug ?. Are you lost ?, do you know where you’re going ?. Oi, are you deaf ?, I said, are you lost ?, you’re going down the wrong Alley, Neeson ”, Logan threatened .

” Fucking bastard, you are. Are you happy now ?, are you happy ?, fucking lonesome cunt. All my mates are dead, Johnny, Emmett, Dominick, Jamie, Kevin and Travis, every single one of them, gone. I just wish that you’d leave us alone. What do you want from me ?. We took part in the rumble, we set things straight, what else are you lot after ?”, I cried .

” I could’t give a monkees, probably deserved it. After all, your mate did kill my good friend, so what goes around, comes around, you know how it is, Karma ”, Logan said .

” It wasn’t his fault I almost died, that night. I was on my last leg, I was. Your mate was the one who started it. Don’t try and do side track, alright ?, I know what you bloody did ”, I said .

” Yeah, that’s complete and utter nonsense. He didn’t start it. He didn’t deserve it. He was a good geezer, he was, if you got to know him. He was larger then life, he was . You would have loved him. But your friend had to come along and ruin it, so it is his fault ”, Logan said .

” Oi, listen to me, none of my mates deserved it. I never wanted it to happen. I just tried to do the right thing and set things straight with you lot, now that I’ve done that. I got something else, something completely different . No one deserves to die, no matter what they’ve done in their lives ”, I said .

” What, is that all ?, everyone’s fucking honoured, bloody hell ”, Logan said .

” Hey look, yeah, you’ll always be a Reject and I’ll always be an Eagle, but that doesn’t mean that we have to have hatred against each other, we’re all the same, at the end of the day, I’m sure you’ll never forget that ”, I said .

” Wow, I never knew that you were so shallow ”, Logan said .

” How the fuck am I shallow, I’m with you. Why am I fucking shallow ?”, I shouted, as I suddenly flipped, and I started fighting him .

” Oi, get off me, man, fucking phycho ”, Logan shouted. A few minutes later, we both calmed down .

” You know what, I don’t even know what you’re bloody doing, what do you want ?, you come all the way down here. What are you doing, singing in a fucking alleyway ?”, Logan said .

” Ok, let me do the old thing, I’m gonna do the old thing, one second . ” Whatever, Minger ”, I said as I bent down and I pointed my fingers at him, I tried to wind him up . I didn’t even know what I was doing . Just bare with me, what the fuck was I thinking ?.

” Minger ?”, Logan asked .

” Yes, that’s what you are, a Minger ”, I said, as I walked away .

” Wanker, get out of here ”, Logan said .

” Ooo, you’re lucky I’m not like you, you know, you’re crap, you’re shit, you know that ?”, I said .

” Oh fuck off, come on, lads, come on, let’s get out of here ”, Logan said, and he walked off with the gang . I handled it pretty well. I would have killed him, you’re lucky it didn’t go that way. I don’t mess, I’m telling you . As I got home, I sat down on my garden patio and I dazed into the sky, taking in the scenic view, with all the stars. Glistening in the night sky . It reminded me of spending time with my mates . All the nights, when we gathered around the cliff side, just enjoying the sunsets and all the shooting stars. I remember this time, it was a vast memory. It was the day I met them, and we sat next to each other and watched the shooting stars go by, and then Johnny told me all this shit about witch craft, everyone was demented . It wound me up quite a lot, if I say so myself. But it’s a part of it’s charm. Those memories will always stick with me .

I picked up the book that I let Johnny borrow. He gave it back to me . There appeared to be a little note inside. It was a letter. It appeared to be from John. He wrote it, before he died in hospital. He wrote it before he took his last breath . He was in such a bad state, it’s beyond me how he even managed to hold a pen. He was broken, last time I saw him . It’s impossible. But he did, so here we are. There’s a letter in front of me, and it has Johnny’s name on it. I opened the envelope and I unfolded the letter and I began reading it .

The letter.

Liam. I asked the nurse to give you this book so you can finish it . I read it myself, finished it all in one night, it’s a great read . It was worth saving those little kids, their lives were worth more then mine, they had more to live for . The parents stopped by at Homerton to thank me and it really made me feel good that I did all of this in the first place . They all had homes and families to go back to . You know, their parents had the chance to see their faces and their smiles again. And one of the kids told me ” Thank you for saving my life ”, yeah, his name was Joe . It made me feel happy that I did . Tell Emmett that it was worth it . I’m really gonna miss you lot. It just isn’t the same without you lot here . I’ve been thinking about all the wonderful things you’ve done for me. You’re like the big brother I never knew I had. I can’t believe I’m saying this now, it’s kind of silly. But you are, Liam. Never forget that . You gave me a safe environment, you made me feel welcome . Ever since my mum and my dad chucked me out, you’ve welcomed me with open arms. You’re bloody brilliant, you are. Your parents raised you right. They ain’t mucking about, they know what they’re doing . When you’re a kid, everything’s new. The world beckons you. There’s a new horizon . And it’s calling out to you, it’s telling you to go out and explore, time and time again . It’s beautiful . Like the way you love sunsets, Liam, that’s gold . Keep it that way, it’s a good way to be . Tell Emmett to go and watch another sunset, he’ll probably think you’re taking the mick but just do it for me. And don’t be so bugged over being skint, you still have time to make up for you wanna be. Tell Emmett that he still has a good few years left, he’s a real gem, so don’t take him for granted, whatever you do .

He’s probably out doing havvock at the moment, like always . Classic Emmett. He’ll always be a cool, he’ll always be on the run . He’ll always be there, won’t he ?. What I would give to see him right now ?, I miss him a lot . It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. Say hello from me, will ya, Liam ?. Tell him I’m on my way, out of this injury recovery hell. I’m almost there, I just know it . The nurse said I’m almost finished with my treatment. I’ll be out before you know it . I can’t wait to see you lot again. But for the mean time, I’ll be here in hospital, slowly getting this part of myself back .

Say hello to Dominick, Jamie, Kevin and Travis for me. They’re probably missing me right now, but it’s best to let them know. It’s a bit late, but better late then never, right ?. There’s still lots of good in the world, tell Emmett, I don’t think he knows . I’ll still be watching the sunsets even though I won’t be here. It’s gorgious tonight. Words cannot explain how much I miss you lot, but this isn’t goodbye, we will meet again, I promise .

So long, my friend, your mate Johnny xxxxxx .

Tell Emmett. It was too late to tell Emmett . He already got shot by the police . He was long gone. Johnny didn’t know that Emmett was dead. Would he have listened if I told him, I doubt it . It suddenly became a personal thing to me. I could picture hundreds and hundreds of young geezers who think the same as him. Hundreds and hundreds of young geezers . The kinds of geezers who are just not happy with themselves, the sorts of geezers who neglect self care. The sorts of youngsters living on the wrong sides of South london. Boys with hatred in their eyes, who dig themselves deeper and deeper into the ground by not knowing what’s right . Hundreds of young geezers who watch sunsets and shooting stars and ached for something better. I could just see it now. I could just see youngsters going under streetlights because they were despiteful, tough and hated the world and just didn’t wanna live anymore, and it was too late to tell any of them that it would be okay, and that they had time to sort their lives out, but they wouldn’t believe you if you did . It was too vast a problem for it to be a personal thing . There should be some kind of help. Give young geezers a chance. Someone should tell them before it’s too late . Someone should tell their side of the story, maybe people would understand, then that way, it wouldn’t be so quick to judge a young geezer by the amount of trouble he had, but I don’t see it happening any time soon . We can only hope .

The gang just isn’t the same anymore. Emmett and Johnny are gone, as well as everyone else . Right, now, let me take you back to the night of Johnny’s death . Where we all suffered despair and suffered greif. I wanted to forget about this day, but it just wouldn’t leave me. On the night of Johnny’s death, I couldn’t sleep. I felt my heart sink, accompanied by Jamie, I was hanging off his every word. I felt like I was gonna black out. I had no memory of the night before. Then I suddenly remembered that Johnny passed away. At that moment in time, I thought ” Aw shit ”, and I woke up and I saw him lying on his hospital bed . I sat down next to Johnny’s bed in the hospital, hoping and praying, hoping that he’ll pull through, but when the nurse opened her mouth to speak, it didn’t look too good. ” Johnny’s dying ”.

I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t get my words out. Johnny had a great soul . He was there for the gang, cheered them up when we were going through tough times . He’d think of one of the most silliest things and he’d use that to make us laugh, but this time, it was no joke, he’s gone . He had his whole life ahead of him. His life was cut short, he died at the age of 15, He died from rescuing the kids from the fight that was caused by another gang, his last words were ” I’m sorry, goodbye ”, I felt myself go after hearing them . Johnny forgot who we were, because of how hard he was beaten up in the fight. The nurses said it was some sort of internal bleeding in the brain. He got kicked in the bonce quite badly and they couldn’t do anything to save him . That affected me quite badly, that did . I can’t even drive past Homerton anymore . I can’t drive past Homerton without thinking about Johnny . I can’t fathom the fact that he died there . I can’t think about that . But what I can think about is, how great they treated him whilst he was there . On how the nurse checked up on him every few minutes. Looked after him with great respect. They did all they could, now that that’s underway, we can only look to the future. That’s done now, it’s over, he’s dead, what can you do ?.

Johnny had a bright future ahead of me. He would have been great in Theatre or Broadway. I know that if I ever mentioned that in any of our conversations or if I said this now, he would be turning in his grave . Johnny was a dark horse. He wasn’t built for street gang life. He never deserved to live that kind of lifestyle. Ever since his mum and dad chucked him out, he hit rock bottom . He fell into a deep hole. It was a hole that he couldn’t climb out of, and if he tried, then he’d just get deeper and deeper, until eventually, he was done for . No one could rescue him out of that hole. I tried to rescue him hundreds of times . I tried to talk him out of certain situations, but turns out, it just wasn’t enough . I tried to assure him that everything was gonna be okay, but I don’t think he understood me . In the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett . He was also in distraught, hence, the rest of us . Emmett was always there for Johnny . He also promised Johnny so many things, but they never got to do them, because of what happened to Johnny .

Emmett couldn’t handle the flood of emotions. He thought that there was nothing to live for. So he had an outburst, and that led to him pointing the gun at the clerk in the petrol station, and the clerk called the police and then, ten police officers turned up at the scene and shot him dead . The rain washed over his dead body and you could just see him, hopelessly lying on the floor. But what’s sad is that the gun wasn’t even loaded. Emmett would never shoot someone, he’s not like that. Every morning, I sit there and I make sure he takes the bullets out . I couldn’t witness it anymore, I had to move away . That night, I had witnessed two deaths, but it wasn’t just Emmett and Johnny, they were Eagles . I never wanted all this shit to happen. I just wanted to be a good friend. Emmett died young and desperate, and Johnny died a short tempered, young innocent boy who deserved better . I’m sure that Johnny and Emmett are celebrating life and enjoying music and all other chaos in Heaven. Johnny and Emmett didn’t die normally, oh no no no, they died protecting each other .

Travis has something he wants to say. This was before he got killed. God bless him . He loved Johnny and Emmett so dearly, so these are his opinions on their deaths . Take it away, Travis Fisher .

I had so many tough moments in my life, but seeing both of my close mates die was probably the hardest . I never saw Liam in so much pain, usually, he’s the one who’s making us feel welcome and he’s the one who cheers everyone up, but this time, he was really drowning in sorrow, which was really a worry . I really miss Johnny . The gang isn’t the same anymore, it seems broken. Not to mention Emmett also. To lose Emmett, it was really a major risk . I kept a promise that we’d never let him go astray, but you know, you can’t predict anything . The day when Johnny asked Emmett ” Emmett, are we gonna be okay ?”, I don’t think he really understood him . He never asked him those sorts of questions before . I wish he knew what he meant, but it’s too late, he’s gone . They’re both gone . We never predicted that Johnny would die from severe injuries from saving the kids in the fight . He seemed very passionate about getting even with the Rejects but he never got to do it . Spent the whole night in hospital .

I never had a chance to hug and talk to Johnny before the fight . Maybe except for when we caused havvock in the warehouse when we did gang war, but apart from that, you know, I didn’t . I should have done. Turns out, we can’t predict when our time on earth is over, so everybody should just tell their friends and families that they love them because tomorrow is never promised . It’s a cruel world out there, man . Everyone’s selfish and cold hearted. You can’t even say ” I love you, man ”. Like it was so hard . But when you get the chance, make sure you say it . It makes such a big difference. It’s tough out there. When you spread a bit of love, it makes you feel good and it makes the other person feel the same . So don’t wait, do it, put it out there . I wish I had done that, I should have known better . Now I’m just kicking myself every night. I never had a chance to talk to Emmett either. He just ran away and in that split second, he shrivveled into the moonlight, never had a chance to say goodbye, but his last word was ” Liam ”.

The only thing keeping Emmett alive was Johnny, and now that he’s gone, there was nothing left for Emmett to live for. Emmett had a massive level of innocence, even though he was a criminal. He’s done so many bad, terrible things. He still had a good heart . He hated kids but then again, he rescued the kids in the fight, so what does that tell you then ?. He ain’t half bad . Emmett was one of those young geezers who deserved the whole world . He didn’t deserve what happened to him . He didn’t deserve to be villainized by society. After all of that . I had no choice but to move into another house . I found a bed sit, right about near Tottenham . I couldn’t stand seeing Liam so upset. We weren’t ready to say goodbye to two of our good mates . God took two angels, there’s only five of us left . Every time I look into Emmett and Johnny’s eyes, I can’t help but weep. I just feel sorry for the sort of shit they had to go through . They deserved happy and healthy lives . They never deserved to die .

Society read them two wrong. They saw Emmett as a fierce and rough rudeboy, and they saw Johnny as a useless waste of space, but they redeemed themselves in different ways. In ways you can’t describe . Johnny did young and innocent, Emmett died young and desperate, cause that’s who he was,  young and desperate .

{ Goes back to Liam talking in first person}

After everything that’s happened. I’m feeling somewhat hopeless . I’m starting to do things I don’t usually do, such as staring at the wall and being in deep thought for hours . I just feel like picking up a glass vase and I feel like chucking it at the wall, I don’t know why . I’m turning into a recloose . I know that I should stop living in the past. cause otherwise, I will regress . I’m supposed to be looking to the future, but there is no future . No one is there for me, I’m currently living on my own . Just letting you know, if I’m not back again, this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, like nothing really matters .

I feel like this is the end . Everything’s already been done, it’s just a downward spiral . I’ve been on this earth for way too long now, it’s long overdue. It’s time to go. I’ll be gone by tomorrow, but in the mean time, I’ll be here, waiting, holding on, I’m an Eagle, I’m free .

” If you see an Eagle fly by, think of me ”

End of chapter