A Bunch Of Geezers Doing Band Practice Script No 2

{Warning, this script contains strong language and adult humor}

{ Everyone’s sitting down, ready to do band practice}

Derrick} Bloody hell, look at the weather, it’s miserable. I wouldn’t wanna walk in that shit, I’m telling you. It’s pissing out there. Should have carried a brollie with me, what are the chances of that happening, ay ?, another one bites the dust .

Mick} What is this place, man, looks like a bloody church, I can’t fathom the fact that this geezer lives here .

Eddie} Oh don’t worry about it, he won’t be here for long, something’s gonna set him off and then he’s gonna flip out and then he’s gonna get sectioned, he’ll be today but he won’t be here tomorrow, mark my words .

Rick} Hey, have any of you seen John, lately ?.

Terry} Nah, I haven’t seen him. He should be here by now, I don’t know where he is .

Derrick} I garantee you, yeah, he’s done to Soho and he’s had a few drinks and he’s fucked off with some woman and started a family in Trafalger Square. Or even worse, he’s drunk and he ain’t coming back . He’s probably retired by now. People like singing for five minutes then they have enough, they go into like retail and shit like that . I garantee you, he’s gonna turn up and walk through that door and he’s not gonna remember your name .

Mick} Nah, you’re letting your imagination run wild a little bit. My theory, he’s probably just late, he’s never in on time. Name a time where he came in early, I’ll wait . Oh wait a minute, oh that’s right, yeah, he’s never early, he’s always late, he’s a lazy bastard . { Then, John comes in, walking through the door and he seems to be acting rather strange}

Derrick} Oh, here he is, the banshee from the asylum verse . Why didn’t you come in on time ?, huh ?, you lazy git . This isn’t Five Nights At Fuck Off.

Eddie} Alright John, how’s it going ?, you alright, yeah ?.

John} Oh god, yeah I’m fine. Hor, bloody hell, when did the English learn how to start drinking like that, Jesus .

Mick} Where have you been ?. We had to keep an eye on your microphone while you were gone . That geezer who owns this place said ” Well, you can’t have a band without a vocalist, a band is not a band without a singer ”, he just kept talking a lot of shit. Is that what he’s like on a daily basis, cause if he is, then I pity his wife, por .

Terry} What were you even up to, last night ?, you look terrible, man . You’re like a fucking zombie .

John} I went pub, innit, my mrs was driving me nuts, last night, she was constantly banging on about how much Tescos charge you for a loaf of Hovis bread, she was like ” They pay you how much for a loaf of bread ?, 3 £ 50, Jesus Christ, I’m leaving the UK, I’m absolutely vexxed about this ”, that’s the only thing she was talking about all night long, I feel like I’m going mad sometimes, I’m telling ya. Drinking and going to the pub is a huge stress reliever for me, I can get away from my mrs, for free as well, 100 % garantee .

Rick} Ah well, that’s nice, isn’t it ?. Very healthy relationship, you’re in deep shit every day. I’m glad everything’s going well for you, you found yourself a woman and now she talks about bread .

John} Hm. So, how have you been getting on, writing any new songs ?.

Eddie} Well um, I’m glad you said that, because we were just discussing a new album. It took us quite a bit of time, obviously .

Derrick} Well yeah, because albums and songs take quite a bit of time to do, how the hell can you write a song in a space of about 10 minutes, it takes time, you know, I mean, I don’t write songs, I play the drums, I don’t write songs, Mick does, and he’s fucking shit .

Mick} Oi oi, I may be shit, alright ?, but at least I do it. I keep the business afloat. You don’t do anything but bang the drums, I’m honestly surprised that the man who lives here doesn’t go mad or anything, cause all you hear are drums, and maybe a bit of John’s hypnotic vocals, but mainly, you just hear drums, all night, every single day .

Terry} Alright, when are we actually gonna do band practice, cause at the moment, we’re just wasting time, talking about John’s Phychotic love life. Michael is gonna think that we’re fucking demented .

Rick} We are bloody demented .

John} What song are we gonna do anyway, there’s like bloody hundreds of them .

Eddie} John, this is music, we’re not doing a cover of Hey Jude by The Beatles, we’re not getting Yoko Ono to cover a Beatles song, we’re doing proper music here, you know, if you didn’t know how to do it, whatever, but when it comes to the fucking music indestury, you have to do it right, no fucking around. We have to show everyone that we’re not shitters, we have to show them that we can actually make music and play instruments .

Derrick} Amen to that then. I’m gonna fucking, I’m gonna shred the drums then, none of that soft gentle shit, I’m gonna smash the place up. Give me the axe, Mick, pass me the axe, please mate .

John} No no, we’re not smashing the place up, alright ?, don’t give him the axe, whatever you do, don’t give him the axe, he’s gonna wreck the sitting room and Michael’s gonne kill us, ok, don’t even think about picking up that axe. If you do, I’m gonna do you in, my son .

Eddie} Don’t bloody look at me, I’m nowhere near the axe, why are you acting like I’ve got hands. I’m like right down here and that thing is like right down there .

Terry} Why is there an axe in here, anyway ?. If it’s got something to do with house construction, then it’s fine, but if it’s for other reasons, then Jesus, this geezer must be demented .

Mick} It must be how he greets people. You know, when someone knocks on the door, he just stands there with an axe, like hello, Ahhhhhh, that’s exactly what he does, I do not wanna be behind that door, if that’s the case, if I ever met a geezer like Michael, I’d run a mile .

Derrick} Hey John, I just did a beat on the drums, it’s sick, man, look, just tell me what you think,, yeah ?.

John} Oh bloody hell. Right okay, show me then . { Derrick bangs the drums}

Mick} Ahhh, stop that bloody racket, man, you just bust my ear drums. { Then Derrick stops}

Eddie} What the bloody hell was that ?.

Derrick} Music, that’s what it is .

John} Oh that was brilliant, that is, that was music to my ears. You never fail to impress, Derrick .

Rick} Are you being sarcastic ?.

John} What do you think ?.

Rick} You know what, I think you generally hated it and you’re happy because you’re in pain . There was so reverb there, that’s just shite .

Derrick} Look mate, I’d smash your face in with this tin drum, then we’ll get some reverb and sound .

Rick} That’s not what drums are for though, drums are for music, not violence, why are you bloody threatening me with a drum ?.

Derrick} Because I can .

John} Jesus. Is this some sort of a dream ?. Am I dreaming ?, cause this does not feel like real life. I must be dreaming, Derrick’s about to whack Rick over the bonce with a tin drum .

Eddie} No, no, no one’s whacking anyone, alright ?, Derrick, sit down, mate. Rick, you as well .

Rick} Alright, sorry . { He sits down}

Mick} What are we bloody doing though, man, we’re supposed to be doing music, not a punch up. Now, Eddie, pick up your base, start playing, alright ?.

Eddie} Whatever man, I’m just looking forward to going home, I need my cup of tea, I’m starting to get a head ache. Alright lads, where are we ?.

John} Right ok, so we start with a D minor, so D, D, D D D, then we go for a A, C C C, D C, and that’s Mick’s part, then for Derrick, he just bang the drums, same as usual. Eddie, same goes for you, alright ?.

Eddie} Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it ?, same goes for me, how the hell am I supposed to know what my notes are ?.

Rick} And I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do, still .

John} Rick, mate, just do what we discussed earlier, alright, like I said, just wing it, just press any key, okay ?, okay, I think that’s pretty much it, I think we’re ready to start, what do you reckon ?.

Mick} Yeah I think so .

John} Okay. 1 2 3 4. { Everyone starts playing} { Creating a racket}

John} No no no no,  stop, everyone stop what you’re doing, right now, stop what you’re doing . Fucking hell .

Eddie} What, is there a problem, John ?, why have we stopped ?.

John} What were you bloody doing ?, what was that ?. Urgh, Mick, what was that sound coming out of that guitar, sounded like death, and Eddie, you as well, your guitar sounded like hell itself, and Rick, what keys were you pressing ?, it sounded like Techno bloody death respawn. And Derrick, you’re alright .

Rick} Wow, wow Derrick, wow. We’re all bleeding to death and you’re alright, wow, unbelievable . Bravo, fucking bravo .

John} That sounded terrible, man, how did you get like that ?, I swear, we were fine, yesterday . That was shit .

Mick} Why was it shit ?, John, why was it shit ?.

John} It was shit, it sounded like if you were to take a shit in a fucking alleyway. If the record label found out that we make this kind of music, they’re gonna kick us out, they’re gonna think that we’re shitters .

Mick} Right, first of all. If you think it’s that easy to put a song together, you’re out of your goddam mind, you are .

Derrick} Right well, shut up and we’ll make some proper noise, then innit . Oh bloody hell, this is shit, this is. Why am I here anyway ?, it’s like taking a piss. It’s like if you were to record yourself pissing .

Rick} I mean, if you want to, we can do that .

Derrick} Nah man, fuck that, bruv .

Mick} Why would you wanna see us pissing, you maniac ?.

Derrick} It’s a metaphor, Mick. Have you heard of a thing called sarcasm ?.

Mick} Well, I don’t bloody know. Just play your bloody drums, Derrick .

Derrick} Hey Rick, how does this sound ?. { He plays the drums}

Rick} That’s shit, what is that ?, it’s almost like your hands are broken, hold the drum sticks properly, with both hands. Nah man, I don’t like this, you know . I’m scared, help me .

John} It’s almost like you’re in destress, Derrick, what on earth ?.

Derrick} I’m fine, really. Stop mucking about, alright ?. Just carry on with band practice .

Mick} Alright lads, let’s spread our wings and fly . 1 2 3 4 . { They start playing, making a racket}

{ The geezer who lives there}

Michael} Ah bloody hell, bloody racket . And there’s Mick with his fucking guitar. I’m gonna kill him and strangle him with it. Okay, here I come . Lord help me . { He walks into the sitting room}

Michael} What the hell is going on ?.

John} Haha, hi, how’s it going, you alright Mikey ?. { John gets up from his chair}

Derrick} Heh, bloody maniac. John, sit down .

Mick} Hi, man. What brings you here ?, you coming in like fucking count yorga .

Michael} Turn the bloody racket down. I can hear it from all the way down there .

John} What, you can’t mind your own business. Are you a bloody speaker ?. Do you have to hear every sound ?. Bloody Michael, hello .

Michael} Wait, what did you say ?.

John} Are you deaf ?, I said you’re like a speaker. You can’t leave any sound, can you ?.

Michael} Fucking get out, get out, go on, get out . { He drags John by his shirt}

John} Ah Jesus. Help me, please, help me . { He sings} { He kicks them out}

Mick} Heh. You know what, I’m actually sick of doing musicd now, how about you ?.

John} Yeah man, music’s shit. Let’s go and do modelling instead .

Derrick} You can go and do that, I’m going . { He walks off}

Rick} Derrick, where are you going ?.

Derrick} Bloody . { he says it Under his breath}

Mick} Ah bloody, forget this. { He walks off as well}

Eddie} Ah shit . I’m not going back in there .

End of script .