The Disastrous Detectives Script, The Letter

{First scene, Craig is showing David his new song}

Craig} David, come and check out my new song .

David} What , you made a song ?.

Craig} Yes .

David} Ok, lets hear it, then .

Craig} Ok, you are gonna love this, it’s gonna blow your mind .

David} Is that so ?.

Craig} Yes, { presses play on the phone}

{ The song plays}

Craig} So, what do you think ?.

David} It sounds shit .

Craig} What do you mean , it sounds great .

David} Ok, I appreciate your opinion, but the song is actually a load of crap .

Craig} Nah, I think it sounds great, it sounds like great rock .

David} Nah , it doesn’t, it sounds like if you put the song, 45 and Persian Market together .

Craig} It really doesn’t sound like that , I don’t know what you are hearing , to me, it sounds like success .

David} To me, it sounds like someone trying to take a shit .

Craig} Nah .

{ Collin walks in}

David} Oh hey Collin .

Collin} Hi, what are you guys up to ?.

David} Oh, Craig’s just showing me his new song .

Collin} Oh is he ?, I bet it sounds shit .

Craig} That is offensive .

Collin} I know that it is crap .

Craig} But how do you know ?, you haven’t even listened to it, yet .

Collin} Well, I can tell without listening to it .

Craig} No, you can’t, put the headphones on .

Collin} Ok { Puts the headphones on}

{Craig puts the song on}

Collin} Oh geez .

Craig} So, what do you think ?.

Collin} It’s terrible .

David} It sounds like Persian Market, doesn’t it ?.

Collin} What the heck is Persian Market ?.

David} It’s this song , it sounds like that .

Collin} Nah, to me it sounds like a flock of pigeons .

Craig} A flock of pigeons ?.

David} That’s supposed to sound like Persian Market .

Craig} My song doesn’t sound anything like Persian Market .

David} Oh yes it does, and they are both shit .

Craig} I like Persian Market, ok ?.

Collin} Hey guys, I need you to stop going on about that crap, and do us a favor .

David} What do you need us to do ?.

Collin} I need you to deliver a letter to somebody .

Craig} A letter, we can’t do that .

David} Yeah, do I look like Postman Pat ?.

Collin} Guys, just do it without any hesitation , you don’t have much time .

David} Right ok .

{ They are walking in the street}

David} Why do we have to do this today ?.

Craig} I don’t know , who even has this address ?.

David} It should be the house, further down .

Craig} Ok, you are knocking, I’m not gonna do it .

David} No, we have to do this together .

Craig} Ok .

{ They find the door and knock}

{Person opens the door}

Person} What do you want ?.

David}  Hi, we are employees at the detecting department , and we would like to give you this letter .

{ Person shuts the door on them}

David} What an idiot , now what ?.

Craig} I think we just find somebody else .

David} This is why I bloody hate doing community service .

Craig} We are not doing community service, we are delivering a letter .

David} It’s the same thing .

Craig} I don’t think we can deliver this to anybody else , it only says the same address .

David} Well then, let’s just try again .

{Craig knocks on the door}

Person} Bugger off .

David} Well, I’m gonna just piss on her flowers , then .

Craig} No, come on , lets just head back to the department .

David} This is a bloody waste of time, who even reads letters these days ?.

Craig} People still read letters .

David} No they don’t, it’s a lost cause , they just bloody deserve a massive boot, swinging back and forth in their houses, why pay for it when you don’t even read them .

{Few minutes later , back at the department}

Collin} Why didn’t you deliver the letter ?.

David} ” Why, I’ll tell you why , the person didn’t accept it .

Collin} But didn’t you try more then 1 time to give it to her ?.

Craig} Of course we bloody did, what else do you think we did , challenged her to a flipping dance off ?.

Collin} You guys don’t even do things right , you always come back with something else , I tell you to deliver a letter, then you come back with a baseball bat .

David} No, that’s completely wrong, we made an attempt to deliver to it, and the person thought that we were taking the piss , do you think it’s our fault ?.

Collin} Well, I’m sure that it wasn’t the person’s fault .

David} Oh, so you are saying  that it’s ok that she made an attempt to kill us with the door ?.

Collin} She didn’t try to kill you with the door .

David} How are you so sure ?, you weren’t there when it happened .

Collin} She didn’t attempt assault , ok, haven’t you heard of getting bored, before ?.

David} Of course I’ve heard of that before, it wasn’t our fault that she’s the problem why we couldn’t deliver the letter .

Craig} Why did you make us deliver the letter ?, can’t anybody else have done it ?.

Collin} No, you guys don’t get involved in work enough , you need to get engaged in it more often .

David} Oh no no no, no no no, not us , mate .

Craig} Don’t you think that we’re engaged enough, already ?.

Collin} No, what else do you do , instead of harassing each other with mix tapes and shitty demos ?.

Craig} Nah, that’s actually escapism for us .

David} Yeah, his songs are shit but I’d rather do that then do work, half of the jobs you give us are 100 % pure guff .

Craig} Yeah, you don’t even pay us .

Collin} What, of course I pay you .

Craig} What, 10 pounds an hour ?.

Collin} Well, at least you get payed .

Craig} Well it’s not enough, so .

Collin} God, you guys are winding me up today .

David} Well then, don’t make us deliver letters to people .

Craig} Yeah, lesson learnt .

End of script .