In The City Script, Pilot Mocumentary

{ Tucker’s read}

Hello , this is Tucker, I moved in a few weeks ago, getting here was a pain, Pigeons kept coming and shitting on my car , I had witnessed very weird things too .

{Tucker introducing Delsin and Leroy to the camera}

Tucker} This is Leroy, he’s also new here .

Leroy} Hey . { Waves} ” My name is Leroy Stuart Fosters and I have been living here for almost 10 months ” .

Tucker} And this is Delsin .

Delsin} Hey{ Waving at the camera}

Tucker} Do you remember the first time I met you ?.

Delsin} Yeah, he found me on a fence , yeah, I thought Tucker was a dog, he almost tried to push me off , Luckily there was a flower bed there .

Tucker} Yeah, that’s good though, right ?.

Delsin} No, not really, because like, I could of damaged them , It took me 5 drives to B  and Q , and my petrol was low .

{Tucker looks back at him in an awkward way}

Tucker} Anyway, Delsin has a pretty interesting life, tell them a bit about yourself .

Delsin} Ok, I moved here from America, and I started a new life in Stokey, I used to be a Native American but I settled in in London, it’s kind of funny actually, because when I was born, my mum called me Delsin, and it means like, he is so, which I have no idea on what that means, they just think of the weirdest name, and they just go, ” We’re gonna call our son that ” which is kind of disturbing to be honest, but yeah my full name is, Delsin Lawrence Rowe , but people call me Delsin, just saves half of the faf .

Tucker} Yeah, and me and Delsin used to go to school together, didn’t we, Del ?.

Delsin} Yeah, and we had a wood work teacher called, MR Nilsen, and we were in the same class, and one time, me and Delsin used to skip class and we set the fire alarm on purpose, because we thought that it would be a laugh, and it was, but when I look back at it, now, I think, ” I was such a plonker ” and we ended up getting an exclusion .

Tucker} Yeah, plus we also, wrote on his white board, in big bold letters saying, ” We were only having a laugh ” and we was, we were not lying about that, the only person that wasn’t laughing, was our teacher, and he did the proper morse code on us, basically chased us out of the school with a stick, and now, we have set up a campaign called, ” We were only having a laugh ” whether it lasted, that’s another story .

Delsin} Why the hell are we telling the directors about our new campaign, what are they gonna do ?.

Tucker} Maybe, they will promote it, just let them do their jobs, they don’t film documentaries to get shat on .

Delsin} Alright, but I’m not gonna be the one who pays for the extra warantee of this shit compaign, tell the councillor about it, he needs an extra job, sits on his ass all day .

Tucker} Shhhh, piss off, ok, sorry about that, that’s what happens when you’re born on the shop floor of Decathlon .

Delsin} Oh shut up, I told you, I didn’t choose to be born on a shop floor, my mum was too focused on the outdoorsy jackets, didn’t have time to run to the exit .

{ Then Tucker just stares at Delsin}

{ Then just goes into introducing Jason, the councillor to the directors and the camera}

Tucker} Oh, and this is  the canceller , he deals in cleaning the streets and making sure that people don’t nick anything .

Jason } No, that’s a bit far fetched, Tucker, don’t you think ?.

Tucker} No it’s not, because if you think about it, it’s very accurate, I see him doing exactly that .

{ Meanwhile, Tucker is doing a tour of the area }

Tucker} So, this is the city mall , they charge you 3 quid for a tangerine , absolutely unbelievable , and they are not even in packs, they are just single .

Tucker} And also, if you go over here, there’s a park, and they once done a festival, and they charged 5 . 50  for a bottle of champagne, absolute shambles .

{ Meanwhile, Tucker is introducing everybody to the neighbors}

Tucker} Right, so this Jenny, she’s one of our neighbors .

Jenny} Hello .

Tucker} She also had some trouble moving here as well .

Jenny} No, who told you that ?.

Tucker} What do you mean ?, you told me .

Jenny} I don’t remember telling you .

Tucker} Nah, don’t lie .

Jenny} Can I go now ?.

Tucker} Yes, off you go .

Tucker} Yeah, don’t worry about her, she’s a bit shy .

Tucker} Yeah, usually if I had miserable neighbors, I’d just say ” piss off”, but because I’m nice, I’ll give them a chance , as long as they don’t go egging your house, then I might get involved in that one. ” And also, we have two other neighbors, we have Amanda and Collin, Amanda, would you like to introduce yourself to the directors ?.

{Amanda wears a blue madras shirt with her hair tied up, and she also wears DR Martin boots}

Amanda} No, oh for god sake, alright then, I am Amanda Johnson Rose, and I have been living in Hackney for 1 year or so, these idiots have been getting on my nerves ever since I’ve been here .

Tucker} Hey, we gave you 10 quid, how have we been getting on your nerves, would you spend it on, weed ?.

Amanda} Just shut up, it’s my money, my choice, now shut your cake hole or my dog will rip your face off, won’t we, Terrens ?. { Talks to her dog}

Tucker} Oh yeah, you have a dog, tell them about it .

Amanda} Right, so this is Terry, he is my yorkshire Terrier, he doesn’t really like me calling him Terry, he just gives me the death stare and he turns into Godzilla, but yeah, his name is Terry, you’re a good boy, aren’t you ?, yes you are, yes you are . { Talks to the dog} ” Terry, piss off ”

{Then just introduces Harry to the directors, Collin wears cashmere and wooly jumpers, and he has a beard}

Tucker} And last but not least, this is Harry, he gets really angry if somebody blocks the chute, don’t you, Collin ?.

Collin} Yeah, cause somebody always shoves a boot down the chute, and there’s no space to put my rubbish in there, I have to go downstairs, and throw it in the public dustbins .

Tucker} But why is that a hassle, at least you have a place to chuck your rubbish away, don’t have to keep the bin liners in your flat .

Collin} No, you don’t get it, the thing has bloody gates and you have to get a bloody key from the Hackney Council .

Tucker} Wow, you must be fun at parties .

Collin} Oh shut up, you probably don’t wash your trousers, you have shit in them, you probably have to spoon shite out of your trousers every time you do a bloody wash .

Tucker} Do you wanna go now, yeah ?.

Collin} Do I have to ?.

Tucker} Yes, you’re getting on my bloody nerves, just get out, get out of here, shitter, talks so much bologne, it’s coming out of his bloody ears .

{ Tucker is now with Leroy and Delsin

Tucker} Yeah, so me , Leroy and Delsin play this game in our free time, where we see on who can do parkour correctly, and we all just jump over cars and fences, although we do get complaints about that, but we don’t really care , we see people jumping on dustbins so that isn’t any different to compare to what we do .

Tucker} Leroy, show everybody the boot on the wall .

Leroy} Oh yeah, so, this is the boot that I made, it’s supposed to scare away the pigeons but it doesn’t, now it just seems to be a regular boot . And the Council went after us about it but there’s not much they can really do, they should deal with real emergencies, like people littering ., not even that, just the hatred of themselves .

{ Meanwhile, Tucker, Leroy and Delsin are in the Councillor’s office}

Jason} I’m sure you know why you are here .

Tucker} Yes we know, get to the point, don’t start the bloody circus .

Jason} Tucker, I need you to calm down .

Tucker} Oh, you are telling me to calm down , you need to calm down .

Leroy} Why did you call us in here ?.

Jason} Well, there are some environmental problems that we need to go over .

Tucker} Oh what environmental problems ?, what the wellington boot hanging on a ariel or the bed mattress , those are the most stupid things I have ever heard, how are they gonna start problems, they don’t even move .

Leroy} You better not get rid of that , I have worked on that for 5 weeks , you don’t even understand .

Jason} Yeah, but the boot is lifeless .

Leroy} Of course it’s lifeless, it’s a boot, you wear it .

Jason} I’m not saying anymore then that, I’m just kindly asking you to take it down, I’m not asking you to set fire to the building .

Leroy} Yeah, but perhaps I’d do that without you asking me .

Tucker} What other problems do you have to share ?.

Jason} I don’t have anymore .

Delsin} Oh I’ve got one .

Jason} What is it , Delsin ?.

Delsin} There’s a trampoline, a few blocks down, and I saw a squirrel doing backflips , is that news ?.

Jason} Backflips ?.

Delsin} Yes, it was going absolutely ape shit, are you gonna deal with that too ?.

Jason} I don’t believe you .

Delsin} Oh, you don’t believe me, I’ll show you what happened , { Shows the picture and video to Jason}

Jason} Oh dear me .

Delsin} Yeah, what does that look like, does that look like something normal ?.

Jason} It’s not doing backflips .

Delsin} Ok, tell me now, do squirrels do backflips on trampolines ?. { Suddenly gets up and has a meltdown}

Tucker} Alright Delsin, I’m going to stop you right there, he is clueless about it . { tries to calm him down}

Delsin} What are you doing, get off me, man . { Tries to push him off}

Jason} Alright guys, go outside and get some fresh air, come in when you are ready .

Tucker} Ok, see ya .

Delsin} See, in your face, I told you that it’s real . { Walks out of the door} .

{ Tucker’s read}

See, Jason has had a tough week, he had to put up with everyone’s bullshit , he has to go through 5 meetings a day, must be tired, but I can’t say that I feel for him , he just digs himself deeper into the ground, without even needing to . Did I tell you that Jason was a prime minister once, yeah, but the community hated him because he and the government changed the bus fare system but they also changed the price of the mars bars, so he had to apologize to everybody and they threw plimsoles at him , it’s a crazy story , he doesn’t talk about it much , probably ashamed of it .

{Delsin’s read}

” My god, what do I think of Jason the councillor, um, he is a total plonker, and he smells, he doesn’t clean his bum properly, couldn’t last 5 minutes in that office, I’m so grateful to be out of there, he says that he wears Spanish Leather Cologne, but what the hell is that ?, I don’t wanna smell Spanish Leather, I’m telling you now, yeah, that he is lying, he doesn’t wear that shit, he’s just trying to be a Toff, but he’s a bloody tramp, and I bet that Spanish Leather does not smell like Cow shite, he talks pure shit/ Bollocks, honestly .