The Boys Of New York City, Mocumentary Script, Itsy Bitsy Spider

{ACT I, Ponyboy is doing a tour of the area with Johnny}

Ponyboy} Ok so, I’ll tell you a very interesting fact about those two houses over there, so you see those houses that are attached to each other, I used to know a guy who lived there, his name was Charles Mustafa Dog and he used to dress up as a hot dog for a living, now there is a very interesting fact about his name, would you like to tell them, Johnny ?, Johnny knows most of the stuff, I basically just forget them .

Johnny} So yeah, his last name is called Doggins because one time, when he was in Popeyes, he placed an order and he asked for a hot dog and the person didn’t get him one so he chopped the person’s finger off and then some random stupid man turned up and picked it up, put Mustard and ketchup on it and then ate it because he thought it was hot dog .

{Pony makes a face and looks at him} ” I thought he’s name was Dog because he’s last name was Doggins, where did you get the hot dog thing from ?.

Johnny} I don’t know, it’s just a phase that I went through .

Ponyboy} Yeah he went through a phase, weirdo . But yeah, he doesn’t live there anymore, he moved because people kept bombing his house with hot dogs and just kept throwing them at him and stuff, I haven’t really seen him since, I think I saw him at the grocery store a few days ago, buying toilet paper for his wife, whether he has fully forgotten about his life in the past, nobody knows, neither would I, to be honest .

Johnny} But would you want to know about his life ?.

Ponyboy} Well I don’t know, especially if somebody hired him to dress up as a hot dog and dance around for money, I don’t think I would, and I’d rather keep it that way .

{ They stare at each other}

{Next scene, everyone is in Reggie’s office}

Reggie} Right guys, I hope you know why you’re here .

Two Bit} No, I don’t know, why are we here ?.

Reggie} Well, I called you in here today because I’m gonna share some news .

Dallas} Oh my goody goody gosh, Reg, what news do you have, I swear to god, you have the worst news ever, it’s not even good, you just keep telling us stuff about the food banks and the tadpole ponds .

Reggie} What tadpole ponds, we don’t have tadpole ponds here, what you talking about ?.

{Dallas turns around and talks to the boys in the back} Ha, yes we do, Pony, do we have tadpole ponds here, come on, say that we don’t .

Ponyboy} I don’t know what to say to be honest, what do you want me to say ?.

Dallas} Just say yes .

Ponyboy} Ok then, no we don’t, I walked past the office last night and I didn’t see one tadpole pond .

Dallas} Whatchi, Oh my god, you blew it, you were supposed to say yes so I could prove Reggie wrong and you’ve done the absolute opposite, thanks Pony, thanks a lot, you made it .

Johnny} Oh come on, Dal, he is allowed to make his own decisions, he’s not a string puppet .

Ponyboy} Thanks Johnny, for shutting him up .

Reggie} Guys can all of you just shut up, I haven’t even said what I needed to say yet .

Two Bit} Ohhhhhh, guys, you need to zip it, Reggie the clown has got something to say . { Clicks his fingers}

Reggie} Thank you, ok so, I need you guys to help me out with something .

Dallas} No, I’m not taking out the trash again, you already know on what terror yesterday was, I’m not gonna relive that moment .

Reggie} What do you mean, it was me who had to experience the terror, you went to your friend’s house and watched Talking Feet .

Steve} Hey, what the heck is Talking Feet ?.

Dallas} Go and search it up yourself .

Johnny} You know what, I highly doubt that Google would understand what Talking Feet is .

Dallas} Well apparently, I’m not Steve Jobs, so you need to talk to a professional .

{ Dally’s read}

” You know the one thing that I hate ?, when people think that I am Google, I can’t stand it, I may have a brain but I’ll never be Google, I am not a money stealing website with six rainbow letters, it’s annoying, I get called Google five times a day, you know how hard that is, you’d never survive, I get called Google ten times a day, that is absolute madness, no one can put up with that,  not even Papa Johns ” .

Steve} But what the hell is Talking Feet, is it a documentary about feet talking ?, is that what it is ?.

Dallas} No it’s not, Steve, you wish it was .

Johnny} Anyway, I’d feel like if feet could talk, I’d run a mile .

Reggie} Enough !!!!, everybody stop talking .

{Silence}

Two Bit} Reg, if we stop talking, can our feet talk instead ?.

Reggie} No, they can’t talk, are you nuts ?, Jesus Christ, you guys are like dominos, when one of you starts, the rest of you start .

Steve} That’s actually a good metaphor, cause once, when I was five, I thought that I was a domino .

Reggie} Steve, please, don’t do this .

Ponyboy} Yeah Stevie, we don’t wanna hear your story about you becoming a domino, mehhh, not today .

Johnny} That’s interesting, cause once, I thought that when you die, you come back as animals .

Dallas} Bullshit .

Johnny} Nah uh, it’s true, I read it in a book, they said that when you die, you can reincarnate back into a dog .

Ponyboy} When has that ever happened, why would somebody turn into a dog in the afterlife .

Johnny} It’s actually possible, Reggie !!, do you agree with me, do people come back as animals when they die ?.

Reggie} I don’t know, Johnny, I’m not a priest, I agree to disagree with you on that one .

Dallas} Hah, says the guy who works for a church .

Reggie} What ?, no, I don’t work for a church, I’m not associated with churches, I’m not a priest, I thought I told you my real job .

Dallas} What job, what job, you don’t have a real job, this is all acting, this is a bit of roleplay, you’re not doing this for money .

Reggie} You are crazy, man, you are shit, you know that. Try telling that to a youth worker, you’ll get sued .

 

ACT II

Ponyboy} Guys come on, you’re just wasting time, you brought us here for nothing, what’s the hustle ?.

Johnny} Yeah, you’re taking ages in telling us .

Reggie} Ok so, today I need you guys to do me a favor ?, do you guys think that you can do it ?.

Ponyboy} What do you want us to do ?.

Reggie} Ok so, there has been a spider in my office for a few weeks and it’s really getting on my nerves, so I need you guys to get rid of it for me, do you think that you could do that ?, it’s a quick job, it won’t take long .

Dallas} Are you sure it won’t, cause most of your jobs take long to do ?.

Reggie} Well, the amount time it will take to catch a spider and put it in a bowl will take about half an hour, not even that, probably about five and a half minutes.

Johnny} Heh, five minutes, ain’t nobody got time for that .

Ponyboy} Half an hour ?, that’s how long it takes for my brother to come back home from work, are you serious ?.

Steve} No silly, catching a spider doesn’t take half an hour, he’s just fooling around, trust me, I’ve caught spiders before, it doesn’t take half an hour .

Ponyboy} Oh come on, Steve, you’re reading it wrong, tiny spiders are easy to catch, but perhaps if the spider was the same size as Reggie, then good luck with that .

Dallas} Reggie, why are you getting us to do the job when there are millions of other people who can do it ?.

Steve} Because he thinks that we are his slaves, he makes us do all sorts of shit, if only he did something for a change .

Reggie} Steve, that is not true, I choose you guys to do the jobs because you are fit for it, you guys are young and energetic, whilst I am old .

Two Bit} Yes, you are old man, hahaha .

Reggie} Oh shut up .

Johnny} Oh come on, man, you are saying that now, but how about in a few years, you’ll age like him, you don’t stay young and dulgent forever .

Reggie} Well done, Johnny, that’s actually a good observation, we don’t stay young forever, we’ll get old eventually .

Dallas} Well, when I grow up, I’m not gonna spend my elderly years, watering the plants and reading newspapers, cause that’s just boring as hell, you don’t wanna die a stupid old wrinkly man, no just no .

Reggie} Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but if you don’t get a move on and get your sweaty ass off of your chair, then you might age because we’ll be here for five years if you don’t do anything .

Ponyboy} You’re not making us do is, are you ?.

Reggie} Yes I am, it’s only a spider, it’ll take a few minutes, just take a bowl with you .

Ponyboy} Ok well, how big is the spider ?.

{Reggie pulls up his finger to show the size of the spider} ” About, this big, it’s really small, it’s like the size of your eye ball ” .

Ponyboy} Ok, that is gay .

Reggie} Huh, no it’s not, how is the definition of an eye ball, gay ?.

Ponyboy} It’s how you say it, it’s creepy .

Johnny} Look, just give us the bowl and we’ll do it, where about is the spider ?.

Reggie} It’s in the tool room, there are a bunch of bags and cardboard boxes in there but you can just move them .

Dallas} What tools, why do you have tools, you weirdo .

Steve} He’s got tools, oh shit, he’s got tools, oh man, oh god, oh no .

Reggie} Yes Steve, I have tools, everybody has tools, think about it, what do you use to fix your car, what do you use to pump your tires, of course you need tools, you can’t live without tools .

Ponyboy} Ok, you smart ass, just give us the bowl and we’ll go .

Reggie} Ok then, here’s the bowl, good luck . { Gives the bowl and Pony takes it}

Ponyboy} Oh hell no, why is it pink ?, is this a joke or something ?.

Reggie} No it’s not, you’re using it, what you see is what you get, you’re catching a spider, you’re not going to prom and to dance with fairies .

Johnny} Oh my god, why is it pink though, it looks like a flamingo dropped an epic shit onto the bowl .

Two Bit} Hah, you wish .

Dallas} Oh come on, just take it and live with it, let’s just get this over with, I wanna go home and watch Deliverance .

Reggie} Ok well, off you go, good luck .

{Whilst the boys walk out, Dallas walks up to Reggie and imitated}

Dallas} Neeee neeeee noo neeeee . { Blows raseberry then just walks off}

{Meanwhile, Dallas is in the storage room with the everyone else}

Johnny} Jesus Christ, it’s very small in here, isn’t it, it feels like the walls are close .

Dallas} Whatever, just make this quick, yeah, don’t wanna be seen with a pink bowl in our hands, waving it at the wind, looking like crazy people .

Ponyboy} I don’t even know where the spider is, where did it go ?.

Johnny} Probably just ran off, It’ll come back, don’t you worry about that, these little rascals like to trick people, he’ll be back before you know it .

Two Bit} Hey guys, don’t you think that this bowl would make a good fashion choice, look, it’s like a hat . { Puts it on his head}

Dallas} Two Bit, I’m afraid to say this, but if I saw somebody, wearing that thing on their head, I would punch them .

Ponyboy} That is some very heavy stuff, bro , hahaha, hello darkness, my old friend . { He sings}

Two Bit} Oh please, don’t start this off .

Steve} Come on guys, lets just find this spider and wrap this up .

{ Steve’s read}

” You know what, if if, if this spider isn’t real, I am gonna take a hint and get the heck outta here, I’m sorry but, there would probably be no spider because of that guy wearing a pink bowl on his head, I don’t blame it, if I saw the man wearing a bowl on his head, I would run too and I’d probably leave a trail of shit behind me, I’m sorry but, I’m afraid it’s true ” .

{Dallas points at the wall} ” Look, see, see that, there is nothing there, not even a hole, there’s no spider, whatever Reggie is talking about, he is talking a lot of crap . { Then suddenly, the spider appears, but it jumps onto the wall and scares everyone}

Johnny} Ahhhhhhh, Jesus .

Steve} Oh look, it’s a spider .

Dallas} I know it’s a spider, I can clearly see that .

Ponyboy} Well, what are you waiting for, catch it then .

{Dallas looks at him} ” You want me to actually catch it ?” .

Ponyboy} Well yes, why do you think we are here then ?.

Dallas} Oh yeah, we’re here to catch a spider, aren’t we ?, yes, I totally forgot, I thought I was here for a party .

Johnny} No, you silly, you’re not here for a party, where’s the invitation, nobody gave you one, you’ve been sent here by your manager to help him catch a spider .

Two Bit} Right so, no one is gonna agnolege the fact that the spider is on Steve’s head ?, are we all just gonna stand here ?.

Dallas} What spider, I don’t see anything, is this another one of your inside jokes, cause if it is, hahaha very funny .

Two Bit} No, I don’t think I’m joking, I think that the spider is on Steve’s forehead .

{Then they turn around and see the spider on Steve’s forehead}

Dallas} Oh shit .

Johnny} Ahhhhhhhhhh .

Ponyboy} Ahhhhhhhh, oh hell no .

Steve} Can somebody just shut up and get this thing off of me, it’s on my face now .

Dallas} What, you expecting me to karate chop you on the head ?, is that what you want me to do ?.

Johnny} Dally, you know what you have to do, just get a bowl and hover it over Steve’s head .

Steve} Actually no, no, don’t do that, you’re gonna end up attacking me, just let it go by itself .

Ponyboy} Jesus Christ, how on earth is the spider gonna go by itself, you’re gonna need to scare it off or something .

Dallas} What, you think I don’t know shit, I’ll do that when I need to, I can definetely do it on cue, you know, I used to do fighting and I challenge myself against Rick Flair, won the fight .

Johnny} Dally, where you alive in 1982 ?.

Dallas} Yes I was, Dallas Dalton Winston, born Wednesday 25th of March, 1982, baby .

Ponyboy} No you wasn’t, you was born in 1999, otherwise you would of been 55 now, you’re not 55, are you ?.

Dallas} How do you know I was born in 1999 ?, you Hawk eye .

Ponyboy} You told me the other day .

Dallas} Doesn’t matter, I met Rick Flair in an elevator once .

Johnny} Wait, who is Rick Flair anyway, is he the guy who invented the first toilet ?.

Dallas} No, he didn’t invent the first toilet, he was a wrestler .

Johnny} But wait, why would he wrestle people if he invents toilets though ?.

Ponyboy} Um, maybe because he doesn’t invent toilets, he’s an American Wrestler .

Johnny} Oh ok, I get it now, but wait, why did you find him in a toilet store then ?.

Dallas} No, I didn’t say toilet store, I said, ” Elevator ” you donkey .

Johnny} No, but they sound very similar, doesn’t make any sense .

Steve} Guys, can all of you stop talking shit and get this spider off ?.

Dallas} Ok ok, I’ll do it, but you have to promise that you’ll watch deliverance with me .

Steve} No, I’m not watching Deliverance, I watched it for the very first time when I was ten, I made that mistake, just had nightmares of spinning heads and stuff .

Ponyboy} Ten, why did you watch it when you were ten ?.

Steve} I don’t know, you know, I made the mistake of being in the room whilst the movie was on, I didn’t know that Deliverance was on, my dad told me that he was gonna watch a shopping platform show .

Dallas} It’s weird that you had nightmares about Deliverance, I usually get nightmares and creepy fantasies about being left in a dump truck and being in the garbage disposal overnight .

Johnny} Yeah, like I keep getting fantasies about a woman on a jockey, like a horse, but at the same time, she has a whip and she waves it against the wind, and then I get other ones like, there was another one which included a creepy old guy dancing around with a hose pipe in his hand, it took me ages to recover from that one .

Ponyboy} Johnny, why do you get those sorts of dreams, are you like ok or something ?.

Johnny} Yeah, I swear, I feel absolutely fine, but I keep dreaming about these sorts of things, I don’t know what I do to have dreams like that .

Dallas} Yeah, and like once I had a dream where I made friends with a trash can, it’s so freaking weird, I honestly don’t know what came over me, why would I make friends with a trash can, I’m using kicking and tossing it around the place, but I would never be friends with it .

Ponyboy} Yeah and like, I once had a dream where Reggie was talking to us about business, but he was wearing flares and large shades and he also had like side burns, I honestly don’t know, I’m probably talking shit .

Dallas} Bro, that’s so weird .

Ponyboy} Tell me about it .

Two Bit} Hey, you know what, I once had a dream where I had a cat in my apartment, I don’t know why, I just did and when I awoke from my nap, I started talking German .

{Pony starts laughing} Bahahahaha .

Johnny} Why were you talking German though ?.

Two Bit} I have no idea, I just started talking German, I couldn’t speak the English language anymore, it was weird .

Johnny} Yeah, that’s actually a real thing though, it happens to people sometimes, I read this news headline and it said this woman who had a stroke, woke up speaking Mandarin .

Two Bit} Woah, that’s just crazy, who’d the thought .

Ponyboy} It’s crazy on what our minds can do, sometimes you wonder . I keep having these dreams of reincarnating into a spider, it sends chills down my spine, honestly, it does .

Johnny} I did tell you earlier, didn’t I ?, I said that you can turn into animals when you die, so the rumors were true . Oh shit, guys, do you think that my grandad came back as the spider ?, I think he did, you know ?.

Dallas} What do you mean by that ?.

Johnny} Well, my grandfather passed away a few months back and I think that he came back as a spider, don’t you think ?.

Dallas} You are crazy, man .

Johnny} Hey Pony, do you think it’s true ?.

Ponyboy} Think what is true ?.

Johnny} Do you think that my grandfather came back as a spider ?.

Ponyboy} It could be, I’m not surprised .

Johnny} Oh wow, this is some crazy shit, well then, we have to protect the spider, cause I think that it’s him .

Dallas} Ok look, I’m very sorry for your loss, but this is complete bullshit, how can your grandfather turn into a spider ?.

Johnny} I don’t know, it has telepathy, so I’m thinking that it is him, it doesn’t seem to be biting or harming me so I think it’s him, yeah, it’s definetly him, it can’t not be him . Look, I’m going to talk to it to show you that it’s him .

Ponyboy} Oh come on, don’t do that .

{Johnny stands near the spider and starts talking to it}

Johnny} Hello Grandpa, what are you doing here, I thought that you were in Ohio, this is crazy, man, crazy . Hey Grandpa, remember the time your teeth fell out and the dog almost ate them, and we had to buy you dentures to replace them, and the time when you punched our neighbor for stepping on your wife’s plants, yeah, those were the days .

{Then Dallas looks at him with a cringe facial expression on his face}

Ponyboy} Dallas, what is Johnny doing ?.

Dallas} Don’t worry about him, he’s just having an episode .

{Then Johnny walks up to Ponyboy and Dallas}

Johnny} See, what did I tell you, that is definetely my grandfather, he twitched his head when I told him about his dentist appointment, that is some serious shit, I’m telling you .

Dallas} You must be out of your goddam mind .

Johnny} Why ?.

Dallas} Do you really think that the spider is your grandfather ?.

Johnny} Yes, of course it is, he tried to talk to me .

Dallas} Did you do the cremation when you buried him in the graveyard ?.

Johnny} Yes of course we did, why would we not ?.

Dallas} Cause, if you did the cremation, then he wouldn’t come back as an animal, I’m afraid that you watch too much Tv .

Johnny} Whatever, I’m sticking to my guns cause I know my grandfather and you don’t .

Steve} Um, guys, do I exist or not ?.

Dallas} Oh yeah, I have to get rid of the spider, I totally forgot, just lost in my thoughts, just lean back, don’t move, if you head but me, I’m going to rip your face off .

{Steve leans back} ” But I’m ok with my face ” .

Dallas} Aren’t we all, ok just stay there . { Takes the bowl from Two Bit and hovers it over Steve’s head} ” Ok, I got it, oh my god, I can’t look at it, it’s gonna make me barf .

Steve} Is it done yet ? .

Dallas} Yeah it’s gone now, I’m just gonna put it in the bowl . { Puts it in the bowl, then it leaps back onto the wall}

Johnny} Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . { Stands there with his hands up}

Ponyboy} Dallas, I thought you got it .

Dallas} I did, I had it, but it jumped out .

Two Bit} Oh for crying out loud, why ?.

{Few minutes later, everybody is standing there, still trying to get the spider}

Two Bit} Why did the spider escape ?.

Dallas} Um, probably because of you wearing that bowl on your head . { Then suddenly the spider appears again}

Johnny} Oh look, it’s back again .

Dallas} Oh is it, ok, I’ll give it another shot . { stands on the ladder}

Two Bit} Hey guys, who wants to hear a joke ?.

Johnny} No, not now, now’s not the time .

Dallas} Yeah, just be quiet, otherwise, Dally’s gonna break his leg . { Then he hovers the bowl against the wall}

Ponyboy} Hey, you know what, I’m gonna film this and put it on my You Tube channel, it’s gonna get me serious shit . { Takes his phone out}

Johnny} Pony, if he falls down, you’re taking him to the hospital .

Ponyboy} Oh hell nah . { Then he films Dallas}

{Then suddenly the spider leaps onto Dallas and everybody starts screaming and freaking out, then Ponyboy drops the camera and Dallas fell off the ladder and it broke, it showed him walking around with the bowl on his foot}

{A few minutes later, everyone is walking back into the office and Dallas makes a noise when he walks because the bowl is stuck to him}

Reggie} Hello hello hello hello everybody, how are we doing, did you catch the spider ?.

Dallas} Yeah, we caught it alright, and you can take your bowl and shove it up your ass as far as I’m concerned .

Reggie} What is wrong with him ?.

Ponyboy} Oh um, he had a little incident earlier including the spider thing .

Reggie} Why, what happened ?.

Dallas} I fell off the freaking ladder and I bumped my head, boom, end of story, is that enough for you ?.

Reggie} That is awful, but I’m glad that you caught the spider, I mean, that is some good news, right ?.

Dallas} Um no, because the spider is not a human being, it didn’t get hurt, um, it didn’t fall off the ladder, it looks fine to me .

Reggie} Oh come on, you look fine to me, it was only a fall, you didn’t bruise badly, did you ?.

Dallas} No but still, you made us do the stupid job and now we suffer the consequences straight afterwards, making us do stupid jobs and you don’t pay us, you selfish fool, goodbye goodbye, see ya next year . { Then he walks out with the bowl on his foot}

Reggie} Oh wait, Dallas, the bowl is still on your foot, take it off please .

{Dallas looks at him with an facial expression and takes the bowl off} ” Is this it, yeah, are you happy now ?, stupid .

Reggie} Yeah there you go, good girl . { Jokes around with him}

Dallas} Yeah yeah yeah yeah . { Walks out}

{Dally’s read}

” He thinks that he can make me do anything we likes, but no, I work for no man, I work for myself and that’s why I’m never gonna get a job in the indistury, can’t handle the pressure of it, I just can’t, it’s too dumb ” .

{Then it ends with Pony showing everyone the video he filmed of Dallas catching the spider and then falling down}

Ponyboy} And, there it is, yeah, classic .

{They all start laughing}

{Pony’s read}

” I’m sorry but if anybody comes for me, saying that this is product placement, I’m gonna go after them cause they are dead man running and I can do what I want ” .

{Then it shows Dallas kicking the bowl into the air}

Dallas} Rahhhhhh, see, you mess with me, you mess with me, you get hate, kick that, punch that, kick everything because of hate . { Then he just walks off}

{Reggie’s read}

” Um yeah, working with Dallas can be very difficult sometimes, he knows how to get his way and if he doesn’t get his way then it’s a serious problem, but if you talk things through with him then he’ll be fine ” .

{Then it shows Dallas walking around, talking to himself} ” Yeah, just gotta go over there and say sorry, pshhhh, what the hell am I sorry for ?.

{Reggie’s read again}

” It is tough sometimes, but if we stick together and work as a team, then everything will work out, you know, nobody on this Earth is 100 % perfect, everybody has a story ” .

{Then it ends with everyone just laughing and staring at the camera}

End of mocumentary script .