The Boys Of New York, Mocumentary Script, The Commercial That Get’s Everybody Pissed

{ACT I, Ponyboy is standing by a fence with his friends, doing a tour of the area}

Ponyboy} Hey guys, do you remember that garden shed over there ?.

Johnny} What garden shed, what are you talking about, man ?.

Steve} Yeah I don’t understand a thing what you are talking about, what shed ?.

Ponyboy} Come on guys, you know what I’m talking about, that house over there, the one with the arch attached to it .

Dallas} Oh yeah, that one, yeah I know now, I almost got locked in .

Johnny} What, why, why did you get locked in, Dallas, I swear, you’re doing mad shit during the night, why would you go inside there ?.

Dallas} I go in those places because I try to get free WIFI, because Reggie’s office is short on WIFI, he’s always talking about how he has to pay the fees .

Ponyboy} Jesus Christ, does Miss Vallance know that you rummage around in her garden shed ?.

Dallas} Well, she has brought it up quite a few times, she doesn’t seem to care, the only thing she does is lend me some caramel hard candy .

Ponyboy} Yes, but there’s more to it, right, don’t make it seem like that has been the only thing that happens when you stalk her .

Johnny} Oh wait, guys, remember when we had to go to her house and apologize for the spray paint that Dallas did ?.

Steve} Yeah, that was some mad shit, I’m telling you .

Dallas} Yeah well, I had to, she grassed on me, telling Reggie that I stepped on her flowers, which I did, but she just can’t keep a secret, she has to open her trap and she can’t keep it shut, so I put spray paint all over her garden fence, she deserved it .

Ponyboy} Yeah and we also had to go and apologize to her because of the mess, so we all turned up on her doorstep, when the door opened, we saw Miss Vallance, however, she wasn’t the only person standing there, right behind her, she had her husband, he’s standing there with a ten inch crow bar, god knows where he found it, but I think his wife mentioned it once, but I didn’t really get it the first time, she said that he was a member of the mafia . I should of knew straight away that he looked like a phycho, so we thought, ” Forget this, I’m not taking any risks, especially with that guy looking like Scarface .

Dallas} Yeah, but that didn’t stop me from doing it, especially because the shed looked nice and well maintained, like, how can you leave something like that alone, do you know what I mean ?.

Two Bit} But yeah, we have some of the most craziest neighbors here, I’m telling you, as soon as you see their faces, you’ll want out .

Ponyboy} Yeah, I feel like we’ve always been scared of Miss Vallance because she look like the bird woman in Home Alone 2, I just know it, behind that door, she’ll be sitting on a chair with a big ass bird on her arm, like those are the sorts of things that never fail to creep me out, you know, I don’t care if you have a 10 inch wide screen tv, I’m not stepping foot inside your house, I decline your offer .

Dallas} Yeah, she’s creepy as hell, she kinda looks like my mother, just a tiny bit, that’s probably why I don’t keep in touch with her, to be honest .

Ponyboy} Yeah and we also had another neighbor called Mr Oakey, he generally looks like a guy who would be in a PSA Peer Pressure video .

Johnny} Doesn’t he just ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah, he looks like the sort of guy somebody would get to hold a bag of chips and to talk in front of a camera, he doesn’t really talk much, he’s the sort of person who keeps himself to himself .

Johnny} Yeah but when he does talk to us, he’ll show us a dance move and prove to us that he can dance, but he can’t, cause when he drops to the ground and does breakdancing, his legs don’t bend and he just ends up looking like a banana .

Dallas} Yeah and like shit comes out sometimes, that’s the part that makes me feel brutally sick .

Ponyboy} but yeah, you know, it’s good to have a bit of balance, it’s good to have some good and bad in your neighborhood, you know, you can have absolute bozos and Crack heads, but you can also have normal, Nice people too .

Two Bit} Yeah that’s true, it’s very true . { Nods}

{Then they stare at the camera}

{Act II, everybody is in Reggie’s office}

Johnny} Hey guys, Have you ever had a dream where you levitate off of the floor ?.

Ponyboy} Uh yeah, I had a similar one, where I was walking outside the office and I spotted a butterfly and I screamed so hard that I actually started floating in the air .

Dallas} Bahahaha, a butterfly, seriously, I swear to god, there are millions of other things to scream about, like why Reggie keeps bringing us to his office all the time .

Johnny} Right . But yeah, I keep getting these dreams where I see a random woman just floating on a red carpet in a middle of the freaking shopping mall, waving a cucumber in the air, but it’s weird because the lady looked my mum . Except she didn’t have eye liner around her eyes .

Ponyboy} But wait, why would your mother float on a red carpet with a cucumber in her hand, am I just going mad here or what ?.

Johnny} I don’t know, man, I keep having the same dream, I go to bed, all happy and feeling great, then I wake up the next morning, all traumatized again because I had the fucking dream, this happens for like two months .

Dallas} Do you have like caffeine ?.

Johnny} What is caffeine ?.

Dallas} Like coffee or tea or sugary beverages before you go to bed ?.

Johnny} Uh no, absolutely not, I haven’t even had a drop of coffee, I never even touch that stuff .

Dallas} So why do I see you getting coffee from Starbucks then, are we just gonna forget that ?.

Johnny} What the hell, how do you know I go Starbucks, do you follow me around in a van or something ?.

Dallas} No, because you invited me to go with you, remember that ?, you wanted me to come as well .

Johnny} Oh yeah, I remember now, I didn’t wanna go to Starbucks though, I came along because I wanted to stop at the DVD store, you know I wanted to rent that movie, uh what is it called ?, uh, Taxi Driver, you know I’ve been waiting to watch that movie for so long .

Dallas} Exactly, I came with you, I don’t have a van, what’s all this BS about me having a van ?.

Johnny} You have a van, you showed it to me yesterday, what’s that then, it’s a van, not a dump truck .

Dallas} I don’t have a van, you must be crazy .

Steve} Hahaha, we have the van, we have the van, you know ?. { Starts laughing}

Ponyboy} Oh please, don’t start that off again, Dallas hasn’t got a van, he never did, never will, never have .

Dallas} Thank you, finally, somebody gets me, anyway, if I did, you’re lucky I won’t use it for kidnapping people, you’d be at the top of my list .

Ponyboy} Oh no you won’t, I’d be far far far gone, far far far away, gone without a trace .

Reggie} What are you guys blabbering on about ?.

Johnny} Oh, we are talking about the possibilities of Dallas having a van .

Dallas} Yeah and I don’t have one, what a lot of bullshit .

Johnny} And he was also saying that he would kidnap Pony .

Dallas} Yes, yes I would, there is a solid chance that I would get him, believe you me .

Ponyboy} Oof, try me, boy . { Stares at him}

Steve} Oh for god sake, can all of you just stop talking about vans, I swear, none of us know why we are here .

Ponyboy} That is absolutely correct, we don’t know why we are here, why are we here ?.

Dallas} Yes, Reg, spill all the beans .

Reggie} Ok well, today is gonna be a really exciting day, do you know why ?.

Dallas gasps} Oh my god, are you leaving the department ?.

Reggie} What no, I’m not leaving, I’d hope to be here for a couple more years before I properly retire .

Dallas} Oh my god, do you know what, I am thoroughly disappointed, my disappintment is immesurable and my day is ruined .

Reggie} But I do have some other good news and that is, that today, you are going to be making a commercial .

Ponyboy} Aye, Caramba . { Stands up}

Johnny} Yassssssss .

Dallas} Oh god . { Face palms}

Reggie} Yeah, it’s very exciting, isn’t it ?.

Dallas} I don’t know, Reg, I don’t know what’s exciting and what’s not anymore .

Reggie} Why, what do you mean by that ?.

Dallas} Well, commercials come in all shapes and sizes, some are fun and some are boring as hell, I know what you’re gonna do, you’re gonna make us do a commercial about peer pressure, I just know it .

Reggie} No, that is so unessary .

Ponyboy} What commercial are we gonna be making ?.

Reggie} Well, you guys will basing a commercial on travel .

Johnny} Travel, oh man .

Reggie} Why, travelling is fun, you get to explore new places and such .

Dallas} Oh for goodness sake, Reg, I’m not going to Kathmandu .

Reggie} I’m not sending you to Katmandu, you guys are going to make a commercial to convince people to visit New York .

Dallas} Oh thank the lord, I thought that you were gonna send us to different countries, I’m glad about that .

Ponyboy} Ok hold on a sec, how are we gonna film the commercial, are you gonna pick out these like crazy back drops and shit ?.

Reggie} Well no, you guys are going to go outside, you’re gonna use the proper scenery around you, there’s no need for a back drop, you need the proper stuff .

Two Bit} Ok, I understand that it sounds fun, but why are you making us do this, surely you can get like Steven Spielberg to do it for you .

Johnny} But Oh my god, why would Steven Spielberg want to film a shitty travelling commercial that is dry, he’s not gonna be up for it, he didn’t start a career to take crappy offers for movies, he’s not going to want to direct our commercial, after a few minutes of him standing there with a camera, making Pony talk absolute garbage about a parrot, he’ll want to leave and go back to directing ET and Jaws because it’s so much better then this, I’m telling you now, let this be a lesson to you, snowflakes . { Points at the group and Reggie}

{Johnny’s read}

” Ok ok ok, I get that directing a commercial about travelling is cool, but it’s not going to go as planned, I’m sorry but, Reggie is on fucking Ecstasy, no one is gonna fall in love with New York as a city because our youth worker hired Dallas to jump around talking Spanish . It’s an absolute stitch up, stitch up, I already got a taste on how it’s gonna turn out, Pony’s gonna say Action !! and Dallas is going to start talking shit . I garantee you that nobody will fly to America after that commercial airs, trust me, I ain’t no horoscope, but I can tell you straight away . The government here are going to ban us from society, believe you me, it won’t take that long before it really happens, we’ll be wallowing in self pity .

Reggie} Johnny, why does it annoy you so much, why is it a problem to you ?.

Johnny} I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna be known as the guy who recorded himself in a field .

Ponyboy} Look, Johnny, we can think of a good idea, can we ?, we can do like an amazing Wicker Man themed movie .

Johnny} Wicker man, oh hell no, I’m not doing that, I hate that movie, it’s so weird .

Dallas} Well, we’re not going to do explosions and espienarge kind of shit and we’re not gonna do Five Nights At Freddys, let’s just go with the weird Wicker Man theme, at least it’s normal .

Johnny} Normal ?, you call that normal ?, you must be out of your goddam mind, nobody is going to watch a commercial like that, we’ll film it, upload it onto the world wide web, then we can’t wait for it to be uploaded onto the Ad Turds website .

Reggie} Have any of you guys ever made a commercial before, any of you ? .

Ponyboy} Uh I did, I did once, I had to do it for a school project .

Reggie} And when was that ?.

Ponyboy} When I was about 14 .

Reggie} Right, that was long ago, did you do it recently ?.

Ponyboy} Uh yeah, actually, I remember, I tried to record a short movie and we did it together, me and Johnny, and then we did it in a park, then we thought that it would be funny if we stood on the fountain, because we were dumb, and then Johnny nudged me and I fell in, luckily, I was ok, but the camera had nothing on it and it pretty much crashed my tape recorder .

{Dallas starts slow clapping}

Dallas} Wow, now that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a movie .

Johnny} No, are you nuts, I’m not doing that, I already went through it, don’t need to do the second time .

Reggie} Wow, so, why do you guys hate making movies ?.

Ponyboy} No, I don’t hate making movies, it’s just, you make us do stupid stuff sometimes, why can’t we just base a commercial on road rage, it’s so much easier, who’s gonna come to New York, what, they wanna come cause they wanna see the statue of Liberty and take a selfie and do that fish face .

Reggie} Well no, they wanna come cause they wanna see the culture and what it’s like down here, I mean, isn’t that good ?, people are actually interested in these sorts of things, the more people, the better .

Dallas} That’s actually true though, not gonna lie .

Reggie} What, you agree with me ?.

Dallas} No, I believe Pony, he’s actually got a point, a lot of travellers and tourists coming from different countries, like to do that facial expression, like this, you see, hmmmmmm, hello, I’m a fish . { Makes a fish facial expression} ” Like, why they do that ?, I don’t get it, who told girls that } Carries on doing the facial expression} ” That is sexy, I don’t get it it, I am I supposed to be attracted to that,  am I supposed to be like  { Starts putting his hand on his chest like his heart is beating” Gggygygyggyggttdddd ha heh ” you look like a fish, { Starts making a fish sound}, don’t do it ” you know what I mean ?, it makes me feel physically sick .

Steve} Yeah, he’s actually got a point there, that thing is so terrible and cringy, I don’t know what those people are thinking, no one’s got their heads screwed on to actually tell them that it looks stupid . Like Jesus Christ, what is social media doing to young people, I’m telling you, if they don’t get rid of it, now, then the society is going to be in the exact same place in 2055 .

Reggie} Yeah, has anybody else ever made a short movie ?.

Dallas} Oh yeah, I did, I made a short movie once, so let me take you back to Thursday, Texas, 1982 .

Ponyboy} Oh please, none of this 1980s bullshit, what did I tell you, you weren’t alive in the 80s .

Dallas} Yes I was .

Ponyboy} No, you were born in 1999, ok, end of .

Reggie} Pony, please, let Dallas speak .

Dallas} Thank you, ok so listen up, assholes, cause you’re gonna hear some serious shit, so once, I was driving along the motorway in my Mustang, right, then suddenly, these boys turn up, big hair, like mullets and perms, so I said ” Can I help you ?, what are you doing in places like these ?” then suddenly, one of the guys just gave me stare, no response, then I was like, ” Forget this ” so I wanted to say something to scare them off, so I opened my mouth and said ” Do me a favor, please, get out of here, get outta here, man, shit, you know what I’m saying ” then they chased me across the streets. They thought I was from the freaking Gambino family .

Ponyboy} I swear to god, you and this mafia shit, what do you think you are doing ?.

Dallas} Oh, you don’t believe me ?, wanna come over some time ?, I can take you for a stroll along the motorway, see what shit happens .

Johnny} But what has any of that got to do with movie making, did you like record any of it, have you got any of it on tape ?.

Dallas} No, are you shitting me, why would I want to record that on a video tape ?, I don’t have the balls to do that ?, anyway, who would want to watch some guy wiping his ass on my windshield, that’s just nasty, man, makes me wanna barf by just thinking about it .

Reggie} Yeah, well apparently, none of that is going to be involved in today’s commercial making, you guys are gonna hire a car and drive down there, you’re gonna be given a camera and you’re gonna head down there .

Steve} Reggie, have you ever made a commercial before ?.

Reggie} Well, I have, I used to make commercials for Casper mattress, pretty cool, huh ?.

Johnny} Oh yeah, I have heard of it before, I see the commercials all over the tv, I bet they make money out of it, they play those commercials about ten times a day, it does my head in .

Ponyboy} How long have you been doing them for, five years, ten months, five days ?.

Reggie} Well, I’d say I’ve been doing those commercials for two years, I gave the job up and I started working here, the camera crew just made me say and do stupid things .

Ponyboy} Well, now you know how we feel .

Reggie} What do you mean ?.

Ponyboy} You just make us do stupid things and you sit down on your office chair, with your feet up and you make us do all the dirty work, you make us take out the garbage and while we do that, you just sit down, drinking a root bear float, whilst we are breaking a sweat, doing absolutely nothing .

Reggie} I don’t do those sorts of things, I’m a good youth worker, if you think I’m bad, take a look at some of the other youth workers here, the cleaners came in the other day, with full, top to toe cleaning equipment, massive mop and polish, right, she didn’t even clean here, she brought the cleaning equipment for nothing, the only thing she did do was go on her phone and speak to her husband, who was at home, looking after her kids, the only thing she talked about, was a fat cat that she saw on the street, chasing a dead bin liner . Now, that teaches you that I am nothing, compared to the other staff here .

Johnny} Right, so that’s why you have mold on your walls, is it the cleaner or is it you ?.

Reggie} It’s the cleaner, it’s her job to clean up, she applied for the job, now she can do it .

Ponyboy} Yeah, smells mad though .

Reggie} Yeah, save it for the cleaner, tell her the next time she comes .

Two Bit} So, are we gonna do the commercial or are we just sit here, talking shit ?, I haven’t got all day, you know ?.

Reggie} Yeah, you’re right, you guys better get a move on, take the camera, it’s just on the tea table .

Ponyboy} Oh ok then, I guess I’ll just pick it up, no one else will . { Picks the camera up} ” Oh man, what camera is this, a Cannon, do they even still make these, I swear they stopped making these in 2018, this isn’t the 1930s, come on, is this all you got ?.

Reggie} Yeah, I’m afraid that’s the only film camera I have, you could still use it though, it’s a nice camera, not to big as well, doesn’t take up much space in your backpack, I don’t see what’s wrong with it .

Ponyboy} It’s old, that’s what’s wrong with it, we’ll look like millennials if we were to be seen in the street with this .

Reggie} Yeah but, there is nothing wrong with being a millennial, take my word for it, you’re using this camera and that’s all there is to it, alright ?, no ifs or buts, you’re using it to record the commercial and that’s that .

Ponyboy} Ok fine, we’ll do it, but something good better come out of this . { Then he walks up to the door}

Reggie} Yes, good will come out of this, just do it and get this over with, you don’t have much time, I wanna go home and watch The Simpsons .

Dallas} Yeah well, listen to this, yeah, The Simpsons can wait .

Reggie} Hahaha, not on my watch, now go, go go, you’re blocking the way .

Ponyboy} Yeah yeah yeah, look, we’re going, we’re going . { Walks out the door}

Reggie} Yeah, that’s it, keep walking forward, keep going and shut the door behind you, will you ?.

Johnny} Oh give up . { Then the boys walk out and leave the office in one peace}

{Act II}

{ Then they walk in the street}

Ponyboy} Jesus Christ, this better be good, otherwise, I’m going to get the heck outta here, they’ll be somebody else replacing me tomorrow .

Johnny} Yeah .

Dallas} How the hell are we gonna hire a car, where are we going to get a car down here ?.

Ponyboy} Ok let me show you, you must be blind cause the motorway is full of them, we’re not in Texas, where horses and tractors exist, that’s the last thing you’d want .

Dallas} Oh yeah ?, how do you know what it’s like in Texas, did you even live there, do you have some history that is associated with Texas at all, if you think that you are a smart ass, you tell me everything . I actually lived in Texas for two years, in fact, I was born in Texas and I know everything that happens down there .

Ponyboy} Well, I never used to live there, but I see that sort of shit on tv, everything, you name it .

Dallas} The truth is, is that you watch too much tv, you need to have a little splash of reality in your life, cause you don’t seem to be a know it all .

Ponyboy} Well, they don’t have space crafts down there, that’s for sure .

Dallas} Yeah well, clearly you haven’t known Texas long enough to actually know that they don’t have space crafts there .

Ponyboy} Oh come on, that’s ridicolous, this is called a motorway, they don’t have tractors and space crafts here .

Dallas} Oh yeah, we’re on the motorway, speaking of motorways, I’ve got something to show you, get ready to have your minds blown .

Ponyboy} What are you gonna show me ?.

Dallas} You’ll see, I did this thing a few times now, the motorways are the best place for it .

Ponyboy} But I don’t even know what you are going to show me, you’re just talking crap .

Dallas} Alright then, I’ll show you, we just have to wait for a pedestrian and then the magic will happen . Ok here we go, just give it a few seconds and you’re gonna see some serious shit . { A person walks past them} ” You alright ?, come on, get a move on ” .

{ Everybody just looks at Dallas like he’s crazy}

Dallas} See, I made it .

Ponyboy} No, you didn’t make anything, you idiot . I’m gonna go and apologize to her . { Walks off to find the person}

Dallas} Yeah right, if you find her, there’s like a 23 % of finding her, she’s long gone .

{Meanwhile, Pony found the person in the middle of the street and started talking to her}

Ponyboy} Oh excuse me, sorry, I’m really sorry for what happened there, my friend is a total fool .

{Then suddenly, the girl turns round}

Ponyboy} Ahhhhhhhhhhh, who are you ?.

Girl} You looking for somebody ?.

Ponyboy} Uh no, I’m not looking for anybody, I’m just, I’m here to apologize about my friend who treated you like shit .

Girl} Oh, that guy who was slacking off earlier, yeah, he seemed really nice .

Ponyboy} Yeah, he is, oh um, I almost forgot to ask what your name is, what’s your name ?.

Girl} My name is Caroline .

Ponyboy} Oh cool, I’m Ponyboy, nice to meet you .

Caroline} Yeah, that’s a cool name .

Ponyboy} Oh thank you . You know, my parents gave me this name, well, I chose this name, considering, my mother wanted to call me Maverick and I begged them to change it .

Caroline} Cool, so, what are you doing around here ?.

Ponyboy} Well, I came down with my friends and my youth worker sent us down here to make a commercial, it’s the same shit, really, but it’s better then taking out the trash, am I right ?.

Caroline} Yeah, it’s definetely better . Hey, have you heard of this new policy that they created ?.

Ponyboy} No, what about it ?.

Caroline} Well, the government made this new policy and it entails buying a pair of shoes for only ten dollars, how stupid, am I right ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah, it’s dumb, I don’t know anybody who buys a pair of shoes for ten dollars, they usually go up to the price of fifty something dollars, but not ten .

Caroline} I know right, hey, talking about shoes, I brought one myself, Wooohhh, hahaha, don’t worry, I won’t hurt you, the heal is blunt .

Ponyboy} Why do you have a shoe, what are you, nuts ?.

Caroline} No, are you crazy, I’m not crazy, I’ll show you crazy . { holds the shoe up against Pony}

Ponyboy} Ok, I don’t wanna start anything, I’ll just go . { Tries to walk away but Caroline chases after him}

Caroline} Wait, don’t go yet, I wanna show you my shoe, where you going, you scared of me, pretty boy ?, huh ?.

Ponyboy} Look, just leave me alone .

Caroline} Oh we’ll see about that, just wait until I get my hands on you, I’ll turn you into jelly .

Ponyboy} Oh god, ok I’m sorry, I’ll go now . { Runs away, but Caroline chases him with a shoe}

{Johnny’s read}

” Yeah, it’s actually been too long, he should be back by now, I honestly don’t know what he is doing, he’s probably talking to a duck ” . { Then suddenly, it shows Pony running away from Caroline and Johnny is trying not agnolege it}

{Meanwhile, Pony is still running away from Caroline}

Ponyboy} Leave me alone, you mentalist, I don’t want to see your red shoe, ok ?.

Caroline} Come back here, I’m not done with you yet .

Ponyboy} Oh, you want a piece of me, you want a piece of me, if you want it, come get it . { Starts running faster}

{Meanwhile, Dallas is with Johnny, Two Bit and Steve, standing around}

Steve} Jesus Christ, Johnny, you let that boy run off, are you crazy ?.

Johnny} He ran off by himself, tried to stop him but he carried on .

{Then suddenly a few guys turn up}

Dallas} Oh god, here come the dead beats, I knew that they would show up .

Johnny} You know these people ?.

Dallas} Um no, why would I know these people, these are the people who formed a mob, why would I want to know them ?, I bet you right now, just give it five seconds and they will leave .

{Then five seconds went past, the guys are still there}

Johnny} Oh for crying out loud, I thought you said that they were gonna leave in five seconds .

Dallas} How the hell would I know, I don’t know these people, I don’t know where these people hang around . Don’t worry, I got this .

{One of the guys walk forward}

Dallas} Can I help you guys ?.

{The person doesn’t speak}

Dallas} Excuse me, hello, is there anyone in there ?.

{Suddenly, the person clicks his fingers and the rest of the gang turns up, they roll their sleeves up as they are ready to fight}

Johnny} Uh, Dallas, I think we should leave them alone, man, they don’t look too happy, let’s go .

Dallas} No, I’m not going anywhere, I’m gonna stay here until this guy speaks .

{One of the other guys} ” Whatchu doing round here, boy ?” .

{The guy starts speaking} ” Go on, give us a job, give us it, come on, give us a job ” .

{Dallas looks at everybody in confusion}

Johnny} What did you say ?.

Two Bit} I don’t know, I think he wants a job .

Dallas} I’m sorry, we don’t offer jobs here .

The guy} Give us a job !!!!!! . { Stares at him in a angry way}

{Then it shows, Dallas beating the person up}

Dallas} You want some, you want some, I’ll give it to ya . { Starts tackling him to the ground}

Johnny} Don’t worry, nothing to see here, just a hilarious guy on guy, just pretend you didn’t see anything . { Walks off}

{Then Ponyboy turns up, he escaped Caroline and he was out of breath}

Ponyboy} Jesus Christ .

Johnny} Oh, you’re back, where did you go ?.

Ponyboy} I ran round in freaking circles, some crazy chick started chasing me with a shoe .

Johnny} Oh that is crazy .

Ponyboy} Tell me about it, just don’t go talking to the girls here, they seem a little crazy, she wanted to beat me up, luckily I got away before she found me .

Johnny} Yeah .

Ponyboy} Oh hey, where is Dallas ?.

Johnny} I don’t know, he’s just beating someone up in the corner, you don’t need to see that bit though .

Ponyboy} Hey, you know what will be a good idea ?.

Johnny} What ?.

Ponyboy} Why don’t we record Dallas beating the guy up, it will be good for the commercial .

Johnny} Are you crazy, using that for a travelling commercial, do you even know what travelling means ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah, it’ll give the tourists a good reason to come to New York, they’ll see people getting into a fight, that’s all you see nowadays, anyway .

Johnny} No, but Reggie is gonna lose his shit when he finds out .

Ponyboy} It’ll be fine, we still need to make the commercial anyway, that fighting footage will be the start of it .

Johnny} No, just don’t record it, if you do, then he will kill us .

Ponyboy} Yeah yeah yeah, it should be fine, I’m sure he won’t mind . { Takes the camera out and starts filming it}

{Few minutes later, everybody is standing around, Dallas has bruises on his face}

Johnny} Dallas, what the hell were you doing ?.

Dallas} I started a fight with the guy, but he actually seemed quite nice, we started talking about Deliverance and that shit, he actually used to live in the same place where it was filmed, that is sick .

Ponyboy} Were those the guys that you were talking about earlier ?.

Dallas} What guys ?.

Ponyboy} Remember the guys you were talking about, the guys with the perms who chased you across the street ?.

Dallas} Oh yeah, those guys, yeah, I was just messing with you, I never met those people before, I just wanted to joke around with you .

Ponyboy} What, don’t do that again .

Johnny} Yo, I can’t believe that it was fake, what a down grade .

Steve} You can say that again .

Dallas} So, about this commercial, did you get any footage ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah, we filmed you fighting that guy, that’s all we have at the moment .

Johnny} Well then, we need to get a move on .

{A few minutes later, Dallas is standing against a wall, Pony is filming him with the camera}

Dallas} Yo, are you sure it’s supposed to be like this, I’m not too close, am I ?.

Ponyboy} No, you’re absolutely fine .

Dallas} Ok, so what do I need to say ?.

Ponyboy} Ok so, you should just walk around and talk about how nice it is in New York .

Dallas} But it’s not that nice here, what’s nice about it, ok, it has the statue of liberty and you can eat cheese burgers, what else, see, I told you, there’s no point in making me say this .

Ponyboy} Just do it, for god sake, otherwise, you’re helping Reggie get rid of the weeds in his back yard, you wanna do that ?.

Dallas} No of course not, Lame !, why can’t he get a gardener to do it ?, he is a lazy fool, he should get off his ass, start doing some work instead of making us do it .

Steve} Oh for god sake, just do as you are told, it stinks of piss here, why does it smell of piss, oh yeah, cause there is a guy urinating in the corner behind that wall, nasty .

Ponyboy} Come on, just do it and get it over with, this part is quick, if you moan and groan, then it will feel longer .

Dallas makes a face} Oof .

Johnny} Come on, Dally, just do it, just imagine that you are Wang Chung, you are confident and energetic and you are rocking this music video, and you’re gonna go, ” Everybody Wang Chung Tonight, ba na na na dada da, Wang Chung, I’ll kick your ass .

Dallas} Oh god, Wang Chung, really, you couldn’t think of a better example ?.

Johnny} Why, I don’t see anything wrong with that .

Dallas} Well no, cause I am the main star of the freak show, I’m the clown, people are gonna see this commercial and wish that they bleached their eyes .

Two Bit} Oh the irony, before it got thrown out of the window .

Ponyboy} Just shut up about all this Wang Chung nonsense, you need to start acting, act like you are not sure on where to go, so just start walking around .

{Dallas starts pretending to walk around with his hands on his head}

Dallas} Why can’t I just do the moon walk instead ?.

Ponyboy} No, you can’t do the moon walk, because the moon walk is not associated with New York, isn’t it ?.

Dallas} No, but I see millions of people doing it in the middle of the street, back in Texas, where I used to live before I came here, I used to see people doing the moon walk and jumping and sitting down and doing the worm on a plank of wood, it was normalized .

Ponyboy} Well, it’s not normalized here, because you look like an idiot .

Dallas} I don’t care what people think, I’ll do what I want . Ok, what do I need to do now ?.

Ponyboy} Oh my god, just talk, say anything, I can’t tell you to do it, you do it on your own .

Dallas} Ok then, I’ll do it, but just remember, you made me do this and I will never forgive you. Ok, not knowing on where to go, getting bored of your hometown, well not anymore, cause I’m back, hey, I am Indiana Ashdown and I will be your flight attendant, I’m going to take you places you’ve never been before, so if you’ve never travelled before, come on down to New York, where you’re dreams come true . Nope nope, that’s just shit, I messed up, Shit . { Shouts}

Johnny} Who’s Indiana Ashdown ?.

Dallas} Never mind .

Johnny} Is he your son ?.

Steve} Oh, it’s not like his name is Dallas Ashdown, isn’t it ?.

Ponyboy} Ok, I need you to do it again, but this time, you’re gonna talk normally, ok, action !!! .

Dallas} You wanna come on down to New York, huh, you want to, well then, what are you waiting for, oh and if you don’t, we have the van, we have the van, you know ?. { Starts pointing his finger at the camera}

{Ponyboy starts waving his hands up} ” Nope nope, just turn it off, turn the freaking thing off .  { Steve turns the camera off and they just stand there in fustration}

{A few minutes later, everybody returned back at the office and Pony is editing the commercial on the computer} { Then suddenly, Dallas appears behind him}

Dallas} Boo .

{Ponyboy turns around} ” Ahh, what are you doing ?.

Dallas} How is the commercial getting on ?.

Ponyboy} I don’t know, man, I’m trying to do like the star wipe and shit but it doesn’t work .

Dallas} Well just play it to me and I’ll tell you what I think .

Ponyboy} Ok then, just be honest .  Ok, introducing, Panic In America{ Presses play on the commercial, the commercial starts playing, it starts off with everybody sitting on the floor, wearing wigs, then it shows Johnny floating on a carpet, waving a cucumber in the air, then it shows a bunch of horses running around like mad, then it shows Dallas standing by a sign, talking rubbish, then it shows Two Bit wearing a wig, dancing with a hose pipe in his hand, then it shows Steve running everywhere, then it goes into Dallas fighting the guy, then it shows Pony running from Caroline as she chased him with her red shoe and whilst that is happening, Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond is playing and then it shows footage of the boys doing the can can and while that’s happening, Bing Bong Bing by Korky Buchek is playing and  then it shows Dallas doing road rage in his Mustang and then the boys are going for a ride in Dally’s car and lastly, it shows footage of the boys getting in trouble with the police, overall, a chaotic mess .

{ Then the tagline comes up in the back round} Panic in America, get in .

{Dallas looks at the computer screen and his face changes}

Dallas} Ok, that was shit .

Ponyboy} Oh great, now I know you’re being honest, everyone else is going to think the same, what is Reggie going to make of this ?.

Dallas} I don’t know, he’ll probably go crazy, but take a look on the bright side, at least we have some footage, the real fear was having nothing .

Ponyboy} Yeah that’s true . Hey, you know what ?.

Dallas} What ?.

Ponyboy} We should bring the boys in, they can help with the editing, just make sure that Reggie doesn’t see anything, it’s a surprise .

Dallas} Ok cool, I’ll bring them in right now, then we’re ready to roll, see you in a bit . { Then he walks out} { Then he comes back with Johnny, Two Bit and Steve}

Dallas} Hey ya’ll, I’m back, look who I’ve got, now the boys are here, I think that we’d better get started, time to get this show on the road .

Johnny} Ok so, what do we have so far ?.

Ponyboy} Ok so, I just put the clips together, all we need now, is some editing and special effects, if we don’t use them, then it’ll just be boring .

Steve} Yeah, that’s true, you gotta have the full shabang .

Ponyboy} Yeah, so what shall we start off with, like a backing track or a star swipe ?.

Johnny} Hm, I think we should definetely add a backing track and a star swipe, it’ll make it look so cool .

Dallas} Yeah, it’ll look like block buster kind of shit .

Two Bit} Yeah like Rocky, hey you know what, for the backing track, we should add Eye Of The Tiger, it’ll give the movie critics goosebumps .

Dallas} Yeah, we’ve all seen Rocky III, right, been there, done that, a extravaganza of a movie .

Johnny} We’ll definetely put Eye Of The Tiger, do you know that clip footage of us driving in a car ?, with you going full road rage ?.

Dallas} Oh yeah, I remember, I almost crashed my mustang, but it was fun though .

Ponyboy} Yeah and you made us look like stupid, running in the middle of the road, we had to chase you with Johnny’s cucumber, you didn’t stop, you just kept going .

Dallas} Yeah well, if you work with Dallas, that’s what you are going to have to work with, I’m afraid .

Johnny} No it’s cool .

{Steve puts his hand in the air, close to his mouth to project his voice and wind them up}

Steve} Hah, Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy .

Two Bit} Ehh .

Ponyboy} Oh please, guys, stop being crusty, I’m gonna barf, let’s just do this commercial and put it together before Reggie finds out .

Dallas} Ok so, were we at ?.

Ponyboy} Um, I just gotta add the backing track and we’re all done .

Dallas} Right cool, just remember, if you wanna use me for a commercial, don’t make me boring .

Johnny} Right and apparently, Dallas is a fashion model now .

Dallas} Yeah Johnny, I was born a star, I won’t forget you guys when I’m famous .

Ponyboy} You’re not gonna be a model, Dal, no just no .

Dallas} Says who ?.

Ponyboy} Says me .

{Two Bit starts laughing}

{Two Bit’s read}

” Yeah, you know what, let this be a secret between you and I, I actually love have them as my friends, they are crazy and quirky, but we’re all crazy sometimes, but I’m just lucky to have them as my friends, if I didn’t know them, I would of worked in Food Bazaar or something, I’m lucky that I made that choice ” .

{ Next scene, everybody is finished with editing the commercial and they are standing around in the computer room}

Ponyboy} Alright guys, introducing, the commercial, in all it’s glory, now this, is some real shit, Reggie is going to have his head blown off, because he’ll be like, ” Oh, this is amazing, wow, I can’t believe you guys made this as a team ” .

Dallas} Yeah, he’ll be wallowing in self pity .

Johnny} Yeah, I’m sure he’ll like it, if he doesn’t, then there is a serious problem with him and he needs to get his eyes checked .

Ponyboy} Yeah and also, if the viewers like it, then Quentin Tarantino is gonna see it and we’re gonna get payed a shit load by Warner Brothers Pictures, then we’ll be like billionaires, we’ll be making 10 grand a month off of it .

Dallas} Yeah, it’ll be crazy .

{Dally’s read}

” If I was a billionaire, what I would do is, get a jet and prove my school bullies wrong and I’ll be like, ” Oh hello, look at me, I’m in a jet ” and they’ll be like ” Oh I’m sorry, I’m so sad, I’m very sorry for bullying you at school, I was such a vile pig ” and I’ll be like, ” Haters gonna hate, go away, I’ve got a life to live, I ain’t got time for your shit, the past is the past, I can’t change it, you know what I mean ?” .

{ Then they walk out of the computer room}

Ponyboy} Right, all we need to do now, is just wait in the office and wait for Reggie turn up, then the fun will begin, just get a chair and sit down and wait patiently .

{ Then everyone gets a chair and sits down}

Dallas} I’m telling you, I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees that we made the commercial .

Ponyboy} Yeah, it’s gonna be awesome .

{Pony’s read}

” Actually, you know what, I don’t really think that Reggie is going to like it, he always acts like he knows about different commercials but really, I bet that he’s never even seen one before, if he doesn’t, I don’t know who to blame, because Dally made me add in the footage of him doing road rage, that is probably going to be the scene that sparks everyone off, not to mention, Johnny also, he made me record Dallas having a fight with that guy , like that without context, it won’t make any sense ” .

{Johnny’s read}

” Yeah right, says the guy who can watch Wang Chung’s music video in a loop without having an epilepsy attack and who can watch The Room  without throwing a pillow at the tv, I can’t watch that video once, let alone 10 times, I’m telling you right now, that guy isn’t human, he lives on planet Mars and vibes with the rest of the aliens ” .

{Ponyboy’s read}

” Don’t take his word for it ” .

{ Then they sit around}

Dallas} Wooooooooo, Reggie’s gonna be so surprised when he sees that we have turned into mature adults .

{Dally’s read}

” Wow, ok, I have nothing to say, the commercial is terrible, it had a lot of shit in it, it was just a hot mess, now I feel bad for Reggie, since he has to watch it, well let’s just say he’s in for a real treat, he better get the popcorn ready, cause he’s in for a wild ride ” .

{A few minutes later, everyone is in the office, Reggie walks in}

Reggie} Hi guys, how are we doing ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah, we’re doing fine .

Reggie} Well, did you guys do the commercial, if so, I wanna see it .

{Ponyboy freezes} ” Um, what, you want to see the commercial, are you sure about that ?.

Reggie} Well yeah, is it finished yet ?.

Ponyboy} Yeah it’s finished, I’m positive that you will love it .

Reggie} Oh yeah ?, I hope so, well, let’s take a look, shall we ?.

Ponyboy} Ok, introducing, Panic In America.

{Ponyboy opens the document and the commercial plays} { all of the scenes are in full swing, everybody just sits there in silence, Dallas leans against the wall}

Dallas} Oh my god . { Face palms}

Reggie} What the heck is this ?, this isn’t what I told you to do .

Ponyboy} What do you mean, it’s so much better then a travelling commercial, it’s full of life .

Reggie} Get out of my office, get out at once, gooooooooooooooo . { Chases after everyone}

{Then Pony walks out of the office}

{A few days later, Pony is in the office, talking to Reggie}

Reggie} You know what, I’m really sorry for what happened on Monday, I realized that I was being a bit too harsh on you, I actually watched the commercial from start to finish .

Ponyboy} Oh did you, well if you did, it doesn’t matter, if you hate it, you hate, end of, nothing’s going to change .

Reggie} But wait, listen to me, let me finish, I watched the commercial and I actually liked it .

Ponyboy} Really ?, did you ?, well I guess that’s good then .

Reggie} Yeah, it wasn’t what I asked you guys to do but you did something in your very own form of creativity .

Ponyboy} Yeah well, travelling commercials are boring, so I made it more interesting, I filmed a fight, I got bollocked by Medusa, Dallas almost crashed his car, we almost got injured whilst doing the can can, we got in trouble with the cops, all from the comfort of our commercial .

Reggie} Why did you film those sorts of things, what has any of them got to do with travelling, are you out of your goddam mind ?.

Ponyboy} Well, we did the commercial, what more do you want from us ?.

Reggie} Well, you know what, that’s true, at least you did something, I can’t go wrong with that .

Ponyboy} Right, well it’s settled then, I may go now, see ya . { Walks out of the office}

{Reggie’s read}

” I think the commercial was very creative, it’s good that the boys got creative, but I hope that they realized that it was a lot shit, and it was, cause you know why, it got uploaded onto the world wide web and it got no viewers, now it’s listed onto the Ad turds website, Johnny said that earlier, I should of listened to him, but what’s done is done ” .

{Then Pony walks out of the office}

Ponyboy} And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to make a commercial . { Smiles and carries on walking}

End of mocumentary script .