In The City, Mocumentary Script, The Night At The Museum

{First scene, Tucker is digging for weird stuff in the mud}

Tucker} Yessssss, I found something, it looks like a rock or even some tree bark, but whatever it is, it looks very valuable, I bet that this would go for 2 grand, pawnbrokers would go mad for it, you’d make a killing, I could just see it happening now, people fighting over who gets to buy it, I’d be a millionaire, it’s sick, do you know what, it may even be a mollusk, don’t come running to me, saying ” Tucker, dinosaurs are not real, they died years and years ago ”, oh shut up, don’t tell me that they died, as far as I’m concerned, they ruled this Earth, but I’m actually starting to think that the karma is on it’s way, and I feel like the mollusk is gonna shoot acid in my eyes as a comeback, have you ever seen the mollusk menace, yeah, I had nightmares from hearing about that, and I think I’m going to chuck it away as quick as possible, cause I think it’s gonna come alive and haunt me, so much for the moneymaking .

{Next scene, Everybody is in Jason’s office}

Delsin} What the hell is that ?.

Tucker} Oh this, yeah, it’s a mollusk .

Delsin} That looks nothing like a mollusk, it looks like you put dog shit in a freezer and it froze overnight .

Tucker} Don’t be silly, it doesn’t look like shit, does this look like shit to you ?.

Delsin} Yes it does, you shouldn’t put it in your house .

Tucker} Don’t tell me what to do, anyway, I think it has something to do with dinosaurs .

Delsin} Really, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard .

Tucker} I swear that this has been around and made for thousands of years .

Delsin} Are you sure that it hasn’t been made last week ?.

Tucker} Nah, don’t be daft .

Delsin} Ooff, why does it smell though ?.

Tucker} What do you mean, it doesn’t smell, you’re just jealous that I found something that’s worth thousands .

Delsin} No, you stupid, it stinks, move it away from me .

Tucker} That’s absolute nonsense, I don’t smell anything, Jason, do you smell anything ?.

Jason} Yes it does .

Tucker} Well, I can’t smell anything so, but yeah, looks valuable .

Jason} Yeah, it sounds interesting, actually, I have something for you, so, today we are gonna be going to The British Museum .

Leroy} What the hell is The British Museum ?.

Jason} It’s a museum that has a lot of stuff about history .

Delsin} Hah, a museum, you want real history, you can find out on why somebody chopped that tree down .

Jason} What tree, Delsin ?.

Delsin} That tree, you know what I’m talking about, that tree, that has hankercheifs on it, The happy man tree .

Jason} Oh yeah, that tree that used to be round the corner ?.

Delsin} Yeah exactly, the Hackney Council chopped it down, bloody idiots .

Jason} Yeah, anyway, we’re gonna go to the museum, sounds good ?.

Delsin} No .

Jason} But why ?.

Delsin} Cause I ain’t wasting time, talking to Mummies, and you wouldn’t either .

{ Delsin’s read}

” Omg, this is insane, we are totally losing touch with reality, and today we are gonna be talking to some Mummies, who the heck wrote this bucket list ?” .

Jason} Oh come on, you don’t talk to Mummies, who the hell told you that ?.

Delsin} Me, because I am my own teacher, I teach myself not to do stupid shit like going to the museum and talk to Mummies .

Jason} You don’t talk to Mummies, what the shit ?.

Delsin} Yes you do, why are they there then ?.

Jason} They are there because people come there to find out about them, you don’t talk to them .

Delsin} You are getting the fact wrong, they do, and that’s why there’s a high section rate in Hackney .

Jason} What on earth are you talking about ?.

Delsin} You know what I’m on about, everybody talks to them, that’s why they are behind glass, cause one of them is gonna let loose and set a curse .

Jason} No, that’s complete nonsense, none of it is true .

Delsin} Hah, you wanna bet ?.

Leroy} Omg, the amount of shit that comes out of that maniac’s mouth, he could use it as a parachute to save him from a fall .

Delsin} No Leroy, you know nothing about Mummies, I learned about it at school, well half of the time, cause half of the time, I thought that it was utter bullshit, but there was once where I heard that a mummy came alive and put a curse on someone, so that was the time that I got interested in it .

Jason} Where did you hear that from ?.

Delsin} Google, it had headlines and everything, mad .

Jason} Well that’s probably fake news, where would you hear news like that ?.

Delsin} Well I don’t read newspapers, nobody reads them anymore, way before our time .

Tucker} Omg Delsin , can you just quit with all of the curse rubbish, it’s messing with my head .

Delsin} Ok fine, but just remember, yeah, that curses are real .

Tucker} Whatever .

Jason} Well, are we gonna go there, or just drown in dread ?.

Leroy} I don’t know, what do you think ?, are you ready to dive into the world of curse ?.

Jason} Oh shut up with the curse .

Tucker} But yeah, I’m gonna get this checked by a historic expert .

Jason} Wait, you’re not gonna take that to The British Museum, aren’t you ?.

Tucker} Yes I am, might as well, innit ?.

Jason} No, that thing is gonna properly stink the place out, you can’t, don’t chance it .

Tucker} Don’t be silly, the people are not gonna blame me for it, they are gonna blame it on the mummies .

Jason} No they bloody won’t .

Tucker} Anyway, if they do end up blaming me for it, I’ll just go and hide in the sarcophagus, they won’t notice me one bit .

Jason} No, don’t be stupid, you’re not gonna go and hide in a sarcophagus, you’re getting stupid now .

Tucker} Whatever .

{Then Jason just face palms} ” Gorrrr ” .

{Jason’s read}

” Bloody hell, when am I gonna stop hearing anything about a curse, makes me want to put a curse on him, a real one, that is, and it’s gonna hit him hard, watch out, Lawrence ” .

{A few minutes later, they are at The British Museum, and they are walking around}

Delsin} Oh geez, look at this place, I’ve seen worse, but this place looks like fun .

Jason} Yeah, I love this place, looks good, doesn’t it ?.

Delsin} No .

{Meanwhile, Tucker is with Leroy, looking at the Mummies}

Tucker} This is seriously creeping me out .

Leroy} Yeah, why is it staring at me like that ?.

Tucker} It’s not staring at you, it’s always doing that, it basically shoos any person who comes here, I think we should go and find Jason and Delsin , see what they are up to .{ Then walks away slowly and then stops and turns around} ” Leroy, are you coming ?.

Leroy} What, oh yeah .

Delsin} What are you doing ?.

Leroy} I’m just apologizing to the mummy .

Delsin} And why are you doing that ?.

Leroy} I think that it put a curse on me .

Delsin} Don’t be silly, why would it put a curse on you if you are down there ?.

Leroy} Because it still can, there’s a spirit inside of it .

Delsin} Bloody hell, Leroy, if you were a history teacher, you’d get fired within 2 weeks, teaching kids that sort of shit .

Leroy} Oh piss off .

{Then Delsin walks off} ” Hah, whatever ” .

{Leroy’s read}

” I’m bloody sorry but, if Tarquin does me like that again, I’m just gonna go up like that, and knock him out and put him in the sarcophagus, talking like that to me, who do you think you’re talking to ?. ”

{Then Delsin and Leroy goes back to find Jason and Tucker}

Leroy} Jason, you wouldn’t believe on what Lawrence said to me .

Jason} What did he say to you ?.

Leroy} He said that if I was a history teacher, I’d be sacked within 2 weeks .

Jason} Delsin, what the hell ?.

Delsin} What, it’s bloody true though, he’d be awful, he bloody said that mummies have a spirit inside of them, Jesus Christ, if you teach that sort of shit to children, you get punched in the face by their parents .

{Then suddenly, there’s an awful smell, and Jason, Delsin and Leroy turn to Tucker}

Tucker} Omg, what’s that smell, what the heck, why’s everyone looking at me .

Jason} I think you know what the smell is .

Tucker} No I don’t, stop acting like I do .

Delsin} Tucker, the mollusk, maybe ?.

Tucker} No it’s not the mollusk, stop bringing that up, It’s getting annoying now .

Jason} Tucker, I told you that you should of never brang that with you .

Tucker} First of all, how do you know that it’s the mollusk, when it could be something else, like the toilets .

Jason} It’s not the toilets, because they are not in this exhibit, it’s definetly the mollusk .

Tucker} Oh, all of you are winding me up, today, you know that ?, you know what, I came here to find out about the mollusk, so, I’m gonna go and do that . { Then he walks off to find the historian}

Leroy} He’s mad he is, bless him, couldn’t find anyone more mad then him, he’s in the high charts of mad .

{Meanwhile, Tucker is talking to the person}

Tucker} Hello .

Person} Hi, what can I do for you today ?.

Tucker} Well, I found this in the garden, you see, and I’d like to know if it’s valuable or not, so if you could have a look at it, that would be great .

Person} No problem, let me have a look . { Then he takes it} ” Um I see, very interesting indeed, ok so, I’m afraid that it’s not valuable .

Tucker} What, it’s not valuable, how dare you .

Person} I’m sorry but, it’s nothing, I’m afraid that it doesn’t have anything to do with dinosaurs, it’s just some dog shit .

Tucker} Oh for god sake, why ?.

Person} I’m sorry but, would you like to buy a book ?.

{Then Tucker punches the person and leaves} ” No, I don’t want bloody book, waste of time, good day sir, good day .

{Meanwhile, Tucker is back with Delsin , Leroy and Jason}

Tucker} Bloody hell .

Jason} Oh, you’re back are you, after your outburst .

Tucker} Yeah, the person checked the thing, and he said that it’s a piece of dog shit .

Delsin} I told you, didn’t I ?.

Tucker} Yes I know .

Jason} You know what, I need to go to the toilet, do you guys need to go as well, or ?.

Delsin} Uh yeah, I need to go .

Leroy} Me too .

Tucker} And me also .

Jason} Okey dokey .

{A few minutes later, the boys come back from the toilets and notice something really strange}

Jason} Oh, what the hell is going on ?.

Delsin} Do I look like I know ?.

Jason} Shit, they locked us in, didn’t they, gits .

Tucker} Well, if we are locked in, does it mean that we have to stay here for the night ?.

Jason} I suppose so .

Leroy} Oh for god sake .

{A few minutes later, They leaned against the wall}

Jason} The hell, what time is it ?.

Delsin} No idea .

Leroy} You know what, I read this thing online, where basically, there was a rumor that mummies shake when the clock strikes 12 .

Tucker} Bullshit .

Leroy} What, it’s true .

Tucker} No it’s not, do you really think a mummy is gonna come alive, just look at it .

Leroy} How would you know ?.

Tucker} Cause, it’s coming from a person who speaks absolute shite, 24 hours a day .

Jason} Guys, can you just zip it, please, I can’t hear myself think .

{2 hours later, they are asleep, but Leroy keeps waking up and checking over his shoulder}

{Leroy’s read}

” I’m sorry but, I’m going with my gut, if I think that a mummy will start moving and going ape shit, then I’ll believe it, but this is another story, millions of people think that I’m talking pure shit, they’re like, ” Oh, you talk so much shit ”, oh just you wait until you end up in The British Museum and stay there with 3 dumbos ” .

{In the morning, Tucker, Tarquin, Jason and Leroy are walking around, looking at the stuff on display}

Leroy} I garantee you, yeah, that that mummy is gonna start shaking any minute now .

Jason} Shut up, Leroy, it’s not gonna shake .

{Then suddenly the mummy starts shaking}

{Then Everybody starts running everywhere and panicking}

Jason} Ahhh shit, I’m out of here . { Then he runs out}

{Then Delsin leans against the wall, laughing his head off}

{Then it follows Jason running out and pushing people out of the way} ” Get out of the way, get out of the way, bloody sarcophagus rampage ” .

{Jason’s read}

” Never again, that’s gonna happen, never again ” .

{Then Everybody goes back home, but Delsin is left by himself at the museum} ” Guys, guys, Jason, Tucker, Leroy, oh dammit .

End of mocumentary script .