In The City, Mocumentary Script, Sailing

{First scene, Tucker is taking a walk outside}

Tucker} Hey, have a look at this, so, I have this piece of string , and if you are wondering where I found it, I found it in the bin , if you don’t know that, you are uneducated, and I’m gonna show you something that I learned, so, first things first, you rip off the top part, and then you tie the first knot and once you have done that, you can get on to the next part, and the next part includes you, staring into it, and here it goes, oh wow, what a tip .

{Next scene, Everybody is in Jason’s office, and Delsin is playing with a light sabre, and nobody knows why}

Delsin} Oh wow, what the hell is this ?.

Jason} What do you think it looks like ?.

Delsin} I don’t know, a stick with a light on it, I don’t know why you are asking me .

Jason} Well, you are close, but it’s actually called a light sabre .

Delsin} A what, sabre ?.

Jason} It’s a light sabre, haven’t you ever seen Star Wars before ?.

Delsin} No, what the heck is Star Wars ?.

Jason} Right, never mind .

Delsin} Look, watch this . { Then he waves the light sabre in the air}

Jason} No, put it away, bloody light sabre . { Then he snatches it off him}

Tucker} Why the hell did you bring us in here ?, is this like a sabotage or something ?.

Jason} No, I actually have a very good idea .

Delsin} Jason, when will you ever learn that your good ideas are shit ?.

Jason} I don’t think that this idea is shit, it sounds good to me .

Leroy} Well then, tell us , then we’ll know, you can’t just waste 10 hours a day, trying to tell somebody your idea, might as well just live on another planet .

Jason} Ok, if you shut up, can I tell you ?.

Leroy} Maybe .

Jason} Ok so, we are gonna go sailing .

Tucker} What now ?.

Jason} Sailing, you know what I mean, rowing a boat on the water, sounds fun .

Delsin} No, rowing a boat isn’t fun, where are you ?.

Jason} Have you ever been sailing before ?.

Tucker} No, and I’d rather not .

Jason} Delsin , have you ever been sailing ?.

Delsin} Um yes, I have, and it was an utter nightmare, the story will just take over your life and thrust you into clouds of shite .

Jason} Well, can you share it with us, please ?.

Delsin} Yes, that would be absolutely fine, ok so, the first time I ever sailed, I ended up getting stuck in a bunch of seaweed and I crashed into a bridge, and the second time I went sailing, I went sailing with a friend and we almost capsized and he almost fell out of the boat and his shoe almost fell off, and we met a weird looking spider in the boat as well, and I sung a sea shanty and the whole day was flushed down the toilet, the end .

{Jason sits there silent}

Jason} Well, thanks for sharing the story, I get where you are coming from .

Delsin} No you don’t, you don’t want to get where I’m coming from, you are taking us sailing .

Jason} Well , that only happened once, I’m sure that it’s different now .

Delsin} I don’t care, sailing is sailing, you wanna piss in a boat, then sign yourself up, if you don’t bloody believe me, piss off .

Jason} I’m sure that sailing has changed .

Delsin} Why are you acting like , I sailed in the 20th century, I was 15 when I sailed, I wasn’t 3 .

Jason} I think that sailing is fun for whatever age you are, it’s good exercise for your legs .

Delsin} I don’t agree with you, one bit, you are talking shit .

Jason} Look, we are gonna do it in the resevior, you are not sailing the seven seas .

Tucker} But why are you taking us sailing, what in the world made you put us in this position ?.

Jason} Probably because you stay at home doing nothing, too much, you need to get up and do something with your life .

Tucker} Listen to me, yeah, if I wanted to do something with my life, I wouldn’t go sailing in the fields, because like, what is that ?.

Jason} Tucker, do you actually know what sailing entails ?.

Tucker} Yes I do, you row the oar back in forth .

Jason} Yes that’s right, good .

Tucker} And then you go no where .

Jason} Right, this is getting annoying now, let’s just go .

{ A few minutes later, they are at the sailing place}

Jason} Ok guys, we are here .

Delsin} What the actual hell, you brang us here , seriously ?.

Tucker} Oh look, there’s a boat, it’s the weirdest thing I ever saw in my life, I’m gonna have nightmares about this, tonight, can’t wait .

{Then one of the staff members walked up to Jason}

Jason} Oh hello .

Staff member} Hi, I’m Bianca, I’m gonna be your guide today .

Jason} Hello, nice to meet you .

Staff member} Ok so, should we get started ?.

Jason} Yes please .

Staff member} Ok, walk this way . { Then they walked up to the area with the sailing boats}

Jason} Oh wow, is this it ?.

Staff member} Yeah, ok so, are you with anybody that are gonna be participating in sailing ?.

Jason} Oh yes, their names are, Tucker, Lawrence and Leroy, but they are not at the moment, they have run off .

Staff member} Ok, would it be ok if you got them for me ?.

Jason} Yes of course, of course, I’ll be right back . { Then he walked off to find the boys}

{Then he came to see Delsin trying to get on the boat and climb on the sail}

Jason} Delsin, what the actual heck, what are you doing up there, get down .

Delsin} Hah, Jason look, I sail, I sail .

Jason} Oh for god sake .

{ Jason’s read}

” What the actually hell is this, I didn’t sign up for this, all I wanted, was to go sailing, and I came to see Delsin hanging off of a sail ”, alright .

Jason} Can you bloody get down ?.

Delsin} No, why should I ?.

Jason} Cause you are making me look like an idiot, the assistant is standing there, thinking , ” What the actual hell ?”, and you are there on a sail, what the hell is wrong with you ?.

Staff member} Excuse me, can I please tell you to get down from the sail ?, otherwise I’m going have to kick you out .

Delsin} Ok fine, I’ll get down .

Staff member} Ok, I think that you guys are ready to start sailing .

Delsin} Oh, are we now ?.

Jason} Delsin, keep cool .

Delsin} What, I wanna know, if this woman is going to kidnap me and put me on a boat, I’m gonna leave a 1 star review .

Jason} Yeah yeah yeah, lets go . { Then they walk to get on the boats}

{ Now, they have reached the place with the sailing boats}

Tucker} Oh god, you are not gonna make us do this, are you ?.

Staff member} Yeah, I’m sure that this will be fun for you .

Leroy} Hah, that’s what she said, heh heh hah .

Staff member} Yeah, that is what she said .

Jason} Ok, I have had enough of you guys talking absolute shit, why don’t we just get on our boats ?.

Staff member} Good idea, you will be steering your own boats, if any of you need me, I’ll be around, ok, have fun, guys .

Jason} Ok, cheers, ok, I have no idea on how to steer the boat, do you pull the leaver ?.

Delsin} No you don’t, you dumb person, you don’t pull the leaver, if I did, I would of pulled it and sent you jet skiing on a flower bed of shit .

Jason} Yeah, thanks for the instructions, they help a lot .

Tucker} Hey guys, what does this thing do ?.

Jason} No, don’t pull that, unless you wanna let loose in the sea .

Delsin} What are these sticks for ?.

Staff member} Oh, those are called oars .

Delsin} Oh I see, oars, get a load of this . { Then he hit the boat with one of the oars}

Jason} Delsin, what was that for ?.

Delsin} I don’t know, I guess that it’s a after effect that oars produce .

Staff member} Guys, why don’t you try steering the boat forward ?.

Tucker} And how do you do that ?.

Staff member} You turn the handle thing in the middle of the boat, and it’ll navigate it .

Tucker} Oh ok, this is bloody useless, who even made this ?.

Jason} Tucker, show some respect, they don’t teach people so that they can get shat on .

Tucker} Failed that one, didn’t you ?.

Staff member} Excuse me, what did you bloody say ?.

Tucker} I said, that you waste time sailing boats, why don’t you get a job, and stop singing sea shanties .

Staff member} What is a sea shanty , may I ask ?.

Tucker} Yeah, I have no idea, never heard of it in my life .

Delsin} I know what sea shanties are, I could tell you if you want .

Staff member} Yes sir, that would be so helpful, thank you, what is a sea shanty ?.

Delsin} Oh , it’s a special sort of song that fishermen sing when they sail the seas, and it goes like this . Row Row Row your boat, in the Navy, see, I made it .

Staff member} Ok, I am now severely damaged and disturbed, I’m just gonna go now, please don’t talk to me, again .

{ Then she storms off}

Jason} What was that, what did you do ?.

Delsin} I don’t bloody know, I think that she was super sensitive about the whole sea shanties thing, I get that a lot, I don’t blame her .

Jason} You ruined the day, all I wanted was to come and do sailing, and you scared a woman off with a sea shanty .

Delsin} I don’t even know why you wanted to go sailing, you don’t do anything but paddle around, pretending that you are having fun, when you are not, waste of time .

{ Delsin’s read}

” Jason is actually sitting here, thinking that he knows about sailing, and he’s the big expert, but he knows nothing about sailing, he doesn’t even know what an oar is, utter clueless, just somebody take me home, so I don’t have to sail with 3 maniacs .

End of mocumentary script .