In The City, Mocumentary Script, Panic At The Disco

{First scene, Tucker is talking to a squirrel}

Tucker} Yo, this is mad, Ok so, I just walked up to this squirrel, and it’s eye literally grew larger in size, and I thought ” What the hell ?”, and I swear to god, yeah, that it has gigantism, please correct me if I’m wrong .

{Next scene, Everybody’s in Jason’s office}

Delsin} Hold on, Jason, why are you walking like that ?.

Jason} What do you mean, that’s how I walk .

Delsin} No, I don’t think you understand, you don’t walk like that .

Jason} I don’t know on what you are on about, that’s how I walk .

Delsin} No it’s not, just get up, I’ll show you .

{Jason gets up and starts walking}

Delsin} See, that’s what I’m talking about . { Imitates his walk} ” What’s this ?. ” .

Jason} Are you ok ?.

Delsin} Yes I am, ok, why are you doing the wee wee walk ?.

Jason} Heh ?.

Delsin} Oh my days, man, you did do it, you were doing it before it became a thing .

Jason} What the hell is the wee wee walk ?.

Delsin} Search it up yourself .

Tucker} Delsin, enough about the wee wee walk, why did you bring us here ?.

Jason} Well, I have a great idea .

Tucker} And what’s your idea ?, coming from a man who just did the wee wee walk .

Jason} I didn’t do it, ok ?.

{Silence}

Jason} Look, I thought that it would be a great idea if we went to a pub .

Delsin} Oh my days , man .

Tucker} A pub ?, good luck with that, mate ?.

Jason} I think that it would be really fun, don’t you guys agree with me ?.

Delsin} No we don’t .

Jason} Why don’t you guys like going to pubs ?.

Delsin} I do like going to pubs, but I don’t like going with you .

Jason} Now that’s a bit too far fetched .

Delsin} No, anything can be a bit too far fetched if you want it to be, this is the UK, we are the people .

Jason} What’s the main reason why you don’t like going into pubs with someone ?.

Delsin} Ok, well, it’s an accident waiting to happen, there’s always a chance of somebody singing shite in a microphone, that nobody wants to hear, might as well just be deaf, to be honest .

Jason} Well, no one’s gonna sing in a microphone, you are talking about night clubs, aren’t you ?.

Delsin} Pubs, night clubs, it’s all the same thing, dress it up how you like it, it’s always gonna be called a pub .

Jason} Have you heard somebody sing in a microphone at the pubs ?.

Delsin} Oooh, yes of course I have, I have seen enough of them, it’s the worst thing ever, it’s like turning up to your fate .

Jason} I’m sure that’s very unessary .

Delsin} Everything to you is unessary, until you see somebody singing and you’ll wish you were dead .

Jason} Come on Delsin, just pack your stuff up and let’s get going .

Delsin} Alright then, whatever .

{ A few minutes later, they are at the pub}

Delsin} hooo, what a farce .

Jason} It’s wicked, isn’t it ?.

Tucker} Yeah wicked, just your average pub .

{ The bartender starts doing an announcement}

The bartender} Alright guys, having fun tonight ?.

The crowd} Yeahhhh .

Bartender} Ok great to hear, ok, just letting you guys know, that we have a karaoke machine, so, feel free to use it, .

Delsin} Say what ? , omg, nuh uh, ain’t happening, not today, son .

Jason} Delsin, are you good ?.

Delsin} Yeah, but I’m pissed off .

Jason} Why are you pissed off ?.

Delsin} What do you mean , there’s a freaking karaoke machine there .

Jason} Oh, I see, oh god .

Delsin} This ain’t happening, it ain’t happening, I swear to god . { Walks off}

{ A person walks up to him}

Person} Shake hands .

Delsin} Can I help you ?.

Person} Shake hands, I say .

Delsin} No way, I ain’t shaking hands with you, I don’t even know you .

{Person squashes his hand}

Delsin} Oh god, Owwww, oiiii, get back here .

{Leroy walks up to Lawrence}

Leroy} Woah, Delsin, are you seeing this, this is mad .

Delsin} No it’s not .

{Then the person walks up to him again}

Delsin} What the hell, what’s this ?.

{Person gives him the drink}

Delsin} Why are you giving me a drink, you literally almost broke my hand .

{Person walks off}

Delsin} What, what place is this ?.

{Meanwhile, Tucker is with Jason}

Tucker} Gor, I can’t be believe this place, they charge you 3 pound 50 for a carlsberg .

Jason} It’s like that everywhere .

Tucker} No it’s not .

Leroy} Oh god, man, why’s everybody walking with their hands in their pockets ?.

{ Then Jason walks off}

Leroy} Hey Jason, Jason . { Suddenly realizes that he’s gone} ” Oh for crying out loud, man, ehhhhh . { Then he also walks off}

{Jason walks up to a random stranger}

Jason} Excuse me, this place looks very out dated , doesn’t it ?.

{ The person turns around with an angry facial expression}

Jason} Oh dear .

Person} Shake hands .

Jason} Ay ?.

{Person chases him}

Jason} Oh god, shit . { Then he runs}

Person} Shake hands .

Jason} I don’t want to shake your hands, ok, { Then he throws his drink on him}

{The person stops in silence and dries himself off}

Jason} Oh no, shit shit shit shit . { Then he runs and knocks over the tables and chairs}

{ Then Leroy goes to do karaoke}

{Everybody have fun tonight , by Wang Chung plays }

{Leroy starts singing} ” I walk a million miles ” .

{Then the bar fight starts, everybody starts going ape shit }

Tucker} Oh shit, what’s going on ?. { Then he notices that everybody’s fighting}

{ Everybody starts punching, kicking, knocking tables over, strangling each other and pushing each other against the wall}

{ Then Jason gets punched in slow motion}

{Leroy still carries on singing and dancing}

{Then Tucker also gets in a fight with a person}

Tucker} Oh, you want some, you bloody want some, I’ll give you some . { Then he punches the person}

{Then the song finishes, another one plays}

{Roxette by Dr Feelgood comes on}

{Leroy still carries on singing, trying not to agnoledge the bar fight}

{ Everybody still carries on fighting}

{Jason walks up to Tucker}

Jason} Tucker, what the hell is going on ?, are you seeing this ?.

Tucker} Yeah, I’m seeing this, alright .

Jason} This is bloody chaotic . { Then the person comes from behind him}

Person} Shake hands .

Jason} Go away . { Then he punches him}

{ Few minutes later}

{ Quiet music plays}

{A circle is formed}

Lawrence} Omg, what is this, is this a trance ?.

Jason} I don’t know .

{ A random person calls Tucker to come forward}

Random stranger out of circle} Tucker, may I ask you to walk forward ?.

Tucker} Yeah, ok .

Person} punch him .

Tucker} What, no .

Person} Do it, just do it .

{Tucker attempts to punch him} 

{ The person bangs the drums}

 

{The person gets punched}

{ The crowd roars}

Person} Very good, next .

{ The next person comes to fight Tucker}

Bartender} And you are ?.

Next person} um, John .

Bartender} Ok, nice to meet you, John, ok, enough of that, just focus on what we are doing .

Person} Ok . { Stands there with a uncomfortable face}

Bartender} Ok, finish him .

Tucker} No, I can’t, can I forth it ?.

Bartender} No, do it and get it over with .

Tucker} Ok, here goes nothing . { Gets his hand ready to punch him, he makes a flat fist shape with his hands} ” Honk ” , and squashes his nose}

{Then he stops and starts laughing}

{Everybody looks at him with a disappointed look on their faces}

Tucker turns around} What, it’s a joke .

Then the bartender looks at him}

Tucker} Oh no . { Then he gets punched}

{A few minutes later}

{They’re in a taxi}

Jason} Tucker, may I ask you , what the hell was that ?.

Tucker} Don’t ask me, on what that was, never seen a bar fight ?.

Jason} What sort of man would want to start a bar fight ?.

Tucker} The sort of man who’d want to stop relationships between karaoke machines and human beings, and I didn’t even start the fight, you did .

Jason} I didn’t start the fight, that random guy started it, I didn’t do it, I tried to bloody scare him off .

Leroy} What man ?.

Jason} There was some guy who just kept on saying ” Shake hands”, and he kept on stalking me .

Delsin} Yeah, he walked up to me, as well, I think he almost broke my hand .

Jason} And Leroy, may I ask, what the hell was you singing ?.

Leroy} Oh, it was Wang Chung .

Jason} Come again ?.

Leroy} Wang Chung, it goes, Everybody Wang Chung tonight .

Jason} Who the hell is Wang Chung ?.

Leroy} Just do your research, you are not gonna understand any of this .

Delsin} Tucker, what the hell did you do in that circle ?.

Tucker} I don’t know, don’t ask me, some bloody trance, I think .

Jason} Well, that’s just great, the day’s ruined .

Leroy} What are you talking about, I enjoyed myself .

Jason} No Leroy, singing and dancing during a bar fight is not a good look .

Tucker} Whatever you do, yeah, just don’t take us to Manions ever again .

{ Tucker’s read}

” I think Jason learned his lesson, don’t ever take anybody to Manions, but if you want to end up in a trance and start a fight scene, then maybe you should come .

Jason} Excuse me, would it be ok if you could drop us off on Albion road ?.

Uber driver} Hm .

Jason} Wait guys, who’s driving the taxi ?.

{ They look over the driver’s seat}

The Uber driver turns around} ”Shake hands” .

Everybody} Ahhhhhhhh, stop the car, stop the car, pull up . { Then they got out of the car}

{ Delsin and Jason run off whilst screaming}

{ Then Jason suddenly notices that Leroy isn’t with them}

Jason} Wait, where’s Leroy ?.

{ Then it shows Leroy in the taxi with the person}

Person} Shake hands .

Leroy sits there with a paranoid look on his face}

End of Mocumentary script .