In The City, Mocumentary Script, It’s a Crappy Day In The Neighborhood

{First scene, Delsin, Tucker and Leroy are walking outside}

Tucker} I think that my house is haunted .

Delsin} Really ?.

Tucker} Yeah, I somehow see a hand outside of my windows .

Leroy} That’s crazy .

{ Then Amanda, one of their neighbors turn up}

Tucker} Alright, Amanda ?.

Amanda} No, I’m not alright, some random person bumped into me and spilled his cup of coffee, so I’m gonna find him and rip out his innings and knit a jumper and donate it to John Lewis, if you see him, send him my way, yeah ?.

Tucker} Um ok, she’s a phychopath .

Amanda} Who’s a phychopath ?.

Tucker} Um, the person who spilled coffee all over you .

Amanda} Yeah, I know, I bloody ran like a hairless chicken because of him, selfish git . { Then she walks off}

{ Amanda’s read}

” There’s a cat crying over there, I can tell it to shut up if you want ” .

Tucker} She belongs in a nuthouse , mate, she is nuts, very bad person, she had a pet cobra as well, god knows what happened to that .

Delsin} She is nuts, she can be very mad all day every day, I wouldn’t want to be next to her, god knows what she does in the night .

{ Meanwhile, they are hanging out in a hideout}

Delsin} Jesus, ahhhh, why’s that pidgeon looking at me ?.

Tucker} It’s not looking at you .

Delsin} Yes it is, ahhhh, help me please .

{ Then Amanda turns up again}

Tucker} Hello Amanda, again, what do you want from us ?.

Amanda} Here look, have some chow mein . { Then she throws chow mein at him}

Tucker} No, what are you doing, where did you get that from ?.

Amanda} From the Chinese food shop, what’s the matter, you don’t like Chinese food ?.

Tucker} I do, but when you throw it at me, it’s no longer edible, stop it .

Amanda} Oh, stop being silly .

Tucker} Right, so that doesn’t give you a reason to stuff your greedy guts with live things, how the hell do you think they got cooked ?.

Amanda} I haven’t eaten any live things .

Tucker} The crabs were live when they went in, and the octopus was also live, you’re such a dumbo, it’s beyond belief .

Amanda} Anything else, do you want to say anything else to me ?.

Tucker} You’re a hypocrite .

Amanda} Are you done now ?.

Tucker} Yes I am .

Amanda} Right, well, don’t talk to me anymore please .

Tucker} That would be my pleasure .

{ Tucker’s read}

” Yeah, um, Amanda can be a bit too much , sometimes, but if it gets out of hand, you use words, you don’t attack the person with Chinese food, who does that ?.

{And then, Collin turns up, and he’s got the hump}

Tucker} You alright, Collin, having a nice walk ?.

Collin} No, just stepped in dog shit, went right through the sole, what a bloody waste of money .

Tucker} Oh, sorry mate, nobody cleans up after their dogs anymore, they have their heads up their asses .

Collin} Alright, well I’m gonna mail the shit to the person’s door, they can’t bother to clean it .

Tucker} Alright then, whatever, do your thing . ” He’s bloody crazy, took a bat . { He tells Delsin}

{Tucker’s read}

” Collin is nuts, first of all, he’ll turn up when you don’t want him to, and he won’t bloody leave, every time we say hi to him, he just holds up the middle finger and tells us to piss off, happy families ”

{Next scene, everybody is in Jason’s office}

Tucker} Jason, can you please do your job and clean up the Chinese food remains, it’s all choked up and there’s a whole trail of it .

Jason} Well, who done that ?.

Tucker} I don’t know, let me see, um, that maniac, Amanda done it, you should be able to see it with your eyes, not your ass .

Jason} Well, how do you have evidence that she actually done it ?.

Tucker} Cause, she done it in front of my own 2 eyes, there’s a bloody duel .

Jason} And why did she attack you with Chinese food ?.

Tucker} Cause she’s a phychopath .

Jason} And when did Chinese food become a weapon ?.

Tucker} Don’t ask me, I’m new to this generation just like you are, I swear to god, they need to get rid of it before it becomes a weapon in Tekken or street fighter, don’t ask me on which one .

Delsin} Jason, sorry to interrupt but, where did you even find her ?.

Jason} I don’t know, she just came and got a house .

Tucker} Jason, you seriously need to wake up, get your head out of your ass .

Jason} I don’t know why you guys hate her so much, she’s nice .

Tucker} She’s nice ?, she’s like bloody Norman Bates, you let her walk the streets ?.

Jason} Well, I’m sure that she doesn’t cause harm .

Tucker} Hah, yeah right, she’s the person who attacked me with Chinese food .

Jason} Look , Tucker, just stop it with this shit about the Chinese food duel, I know that it’s bad but what are you gonna do about it, nothing, so, stop it with all of these fake accusations, cause it’s not gonna get rid of her .

Tucker} This ain’t shit, I saw her do it, if you were there as well, you would of thought the same, you’d hand her in to the police .

Jason} Right, and why did she attack you with Chow Mein ?.

Tucker} I don’t know why she did, she’s a parasite, that’s why, you might think that this is fine, but one day, she’ll turn up in broad daylight with a bloody brick in a pillowcase .

Jason} Yeah but, it’s not your business .

Tucker} Hah, what, it’s not my business, so it’s not my business if I end up in a coffin because of a mad woman ?.

Jason} Yeah, but she also came up to me and she said that you talked down to her .

Tucker} Oh, ok, fair play, I did talk down to her, but she’s a snitch, she’s the Karen of the universe .

Jason} Tucker, calling somebody a Karen does not help the situation .

Tucker} I don’t give a shit, not 1 shit, nuh uh, zero shits, and I’ll call her a Karen, do you know why, cause she is a Karen, she’s 100 percent Karen .

{ Tucker’s read}

” If you think about it, the saying is completely wrong, you know, 2 wrongs make a right, but also, 2 wrongs can make a wrong .

Lawrence} Why do you even bother councilling for her ?.

Jason} Cause that’s my job, I council .

Tucker} Do you know what, yeah, you need to cancel her, let alone working for the council .

Jason} I don’t want to cancel her .

Tucker} Well, you need to, so, pack your bloody bags and make your way to place you need to go, and cancel her, that’s your job, isn’t it, cancelling ?.

Jason} No, not that sort of canceling, it’s called councilling , it has a o and a u in between, don’t you get it ?.

Tucker} No, I don’t, ok, I don’t bloody understand, fall stop .

Jason} This is a very unnecessary subject .

Tucker} Oh really, you want to find a great subject, study the phychopathic statistics of Amanda, and don’t come running to me when it depresses the living daylights out of you .

{ Tucker’s read}

” I swear my life, yeah, she’s just like Norman Bates, I wouldn’t even be surprised if she is, it’s probably been morphed into her, actually, drop that, the whole world is morphed into her .

Jason} I mean, it does sound like unacceptable behavior .

Tucker starts doing a slow clap} ” Bravo, bravo, you totally woke up from a coma and noticed the shit what’s going on around you, did you get the fact that she is a phycho ?.

Jason} No, I’m not saying that she’s a phycho, I’m just saying that it’s performed as bad behavior .

Tucker} Dude, if you actually knew that she’s a parasite, why didn’t you point it out ?.

Jason} Cause I’m not a lunatic like you, I don’t do a flipping rap battle and roast people cause I have nothing to do .

Tucker} Oh, I’m a lunatic, now, you got that one wrong .

Delsin} Jason, sorry to interrupt but , earlier, a pigeon stared at me .

Jason} A pigeon ?.

Tucker} Omg, what is this, Watchdog ?, why would you make a stupid accusation about a pigeon ?.

Delsin} Cause it’s bloody there, innit, I don’t choose for it to be there, it just comes and stays .

Leroy} Well yeah, Lawrence, of course it’s like that, you can’t choose the environment for the pigeons, cause you’re not bloody Charles Darwin, aren’t you ?.

Delsin} Did I say I was ?.

Leroy} No, you didn’t .

Jason} Guys, can you just shut up about the pigeons, I want to know if you actually notice on how much shit comes out of your mouths, or you don’t, and you just see your bloody shadow ?.

Tucker} No, Jason, we are not included but you are, you probably chase your shadow so much , that you whirl in a trance .

Jason} No, shadows are everywhere, shadows are natural, but if it’s a shadow that comes out of the door with a chainsaw, yeah, then that’s not normal, you should sue .

{ Then everyone sits there, shaking their heads}

{ Delsin’s read}

” What does Jason know about shadows, he’s gone too far, he’s done a whole lecture about it, he needs to be a teacher, I mean, not any old teacher, one that teaches prisoners in prison, sign him up .

Tucker} What is it with all of this bullshit about shadows ?, are you ok, you look like you just saw a shadow of a devil .

Jason} I’m fine, I’m bloody fine .

Tucker} You seriously need to do something about Amanda .

Jason} But, we can’t, what do you want me to do, chase after her with a base ball bat, I can’t do that, I’ll get fired from my job .

Tucker} You actually think that attacking somebody with a base ball bat is more violent , then attacking somebody with Chow Mein , who taught you how to do councilling ?.

Jason} Tucker, Amanda is your neighbor, live with it .

Tucker} I’m not gonna live with it, would you want to end up with a brick through your car window ?.

Jason} No one is gonna throw a brick through my window .

Tucker} Yes they will, and it’s not gonna be one person, she’ll send a whole gang of kids to bang up your car up .

Jason} Omg, Tucker, just give me a break .

Tucker} Ok, I’ll give you a break . { Then he walks off}

{ Jason’s read}

” Yeah, it has been quite tricky dealing with fellow neighbors, but, you never really see it, until they come and settle in, and when they’ve done that, then it gives birth to a whole new terror, and it’ll get bigger until it blows up, and then it gives birth to mayhem and when that happens, you have no idea on what the hell is going on .

End of mocumentary script .