In The City, Mocumentary Script, DNA

{First scene, Tucker is standing near a tree}

Tucker} I found out this really interesting fact, so if you look at the marks on the tree trunk, you can find out your DNA, so if you spot 3 zig zag lines on trees, it means that you are crazy, and if you see 4 lines, it means that you were born on the floor of a mental asylum, and I don’t know on who it’s meant to be for, but if it’s for me, I don’t care , man, I’m gonna murder the tree to bits, and don’t come for me, saying that that is too dark, forget it, you don’t know what it’s like to be diagnosed by a 60 year old tree, just swings and roundabouts .

{ Next scene, Everybody’s in Jason’s office, and Jason is going through a folder of files}

Jason} Right guys, I’m excited for this .

Delsin} What are you excited about ?.

Jason} Well today, I’m gonna find out about my past, isn’t that exciting ?.

Delsin} It’s not though, because like, everybody’s past is always fulfilled . And it’s full of shit .

Jason} No, that’s not true, everybody on this planet for a reason .

Delsin} And what reason is that ?.

Jason} Look, I’m not gonna tell you, ok, I’m gonna go through the files .

Tucker} What files are those ?.

Jason} These are DNA files, Tucker, like life secrets .

Tucker} What sort of secrets are kept from you, like it’s anything important .

Jason} Well, it seems important, so I’m gonna have a look, omg, there are photos when I was a child, nostalgia .

Delsin} Oh yeah, the smell of shit rotting in a forest, very nostalgic .

Jason} Delsin, please, cut it out, you’re ruining the spirit .

Delsin} Jason, you don’t need bad spirit to ruin this spirit, it’s already like that, you don’t need shit to cover shit .

Jason} Omg guys, come and have a look at these, I can’t believe it .

Tucker} What is it ?.

Jason} Check these out, these are my childhood photos, I was only 3 here, omg, I feel so old .

Delsin} Don’t say that, you are already old .

Leroy} Ohhh, burn .

Tucker} Omg, look at that, what is that hairstyle, slug head .

Jason} Well, those were the 70s .

Delsin} Omg, you were around in the 70s, you never told us .

Jason} Yeah, I never had the time, but look at these though, it’s weird looking back at these .

Leroy} Who are those people , your family ?.

Jason} Yeah, I suppose so .

{ Then he starts pointing at the people in the picture}

Jason} Ok , so that was my mum, over there, my dad was there, and, who the heck is that ?.

Tucker} Who’s who ?.

Jason} That man, I don’t know who he is, I don’t know if he is related to me, or he just crashed the party .

Leroy} but what the, he looks like your phychopathic brother .

Jason} My phychopathic brother, can’t be, wait, do I have a brother ?, I don’t remember having a brother, I don’t remember even having any siblings .

Delsin} But, I honestly don’t know who that is, do you even remember him being in this picture ?.

Jason} Of course I won’t remember, I was 3 years old there .

Tucker} Where were you, in this picture ?, where did the party take place ?.

Jason} It was a holiday resort in Thailand, ok, where else would it take place ?.

Tucker} I think you should take a DNA test .

Jason} A DNA test ?, oh hell no .

Tucker} Well, you’ll need to, we don’t know anything about this shit what you have, so you’ll need somebody to tell you .

Jason} No, I’m not taking a DNA test, I don’t want to do it, and find out that I’m 50 percent Chinese .

Tucker} You are not gonna find out that you are Chinese, you’re gonna find out some stuff about your past life .

Jason} I’m not ready to find out about anything .

Tucker} Yeah yeah yeah, come on .

{ They got to the place}

Jason} What the hell is this place, man .

{ Then one of the staff members walk up to him}

Tucker} Hello .

Person} Hello, are you Jason ?.

Tucker} um no, not me, that is Jason, I’m just a friend .

Person} Ok nice to meet you, ok would you like to come with me, we’ll start the test .

Tucker} Ok . { Then they follow the person}

{ They end up in a room}

Person} Ok sir, would you like to take a seat ?.

Jason} Of course . { Then he sits down}

{Person comes back with a box}

Person} Ok, so this is the box, that we’ll be using, we are gonna do some research about your past .

Jason} Um ok .

Person} Great, ok, do you have any questions ?.

Jason} No, oh yeah, um, I just had a look through these old photos and I have no idea on who these people are .

Person} Oh really, let me see . { Then Jason shows her the picture} ” Oh, this is very interesting indeed ” .

Jason} Can you just like tell me on who these people are ?, cause I’m positive that these are not my relatives .

Person} Ok, let me have a look at the system on the machine . { Then she scrolls through research on the machine}

Person} Ok, so, you had many relatives that you didn’t even meet yet, a whole unknown family .

Tucker} Say what ?.

Jason} This can’t be real .

Person} It is, believe me, it says it on the machine .

Jason} Right ok, and what are you gonna say next, that I have a long lost uncle ?.

Person} You do, you have an uncle, and he’s still around .

{Jason sits there, silent } ” Where does he live ?”

Person} He lives on Hornsy Road .

Jason} And where the hell is Hornsy Road, in the countryside ?.

Person} It’s actually the next street down, I can hire a car for you, if you want to go .

Jason} Yes I do, that would be great, thank you . { They got in a Taxi}

{ They are now in the taxi}

Taxi driver} Where do you want me to take you ?.

Jason} Take me to Hornsy Road .

{Taxi driver makes a uncomfortable face and nods}

Tucker} Jason, what the hell are you doing, man ?.

Jason} Just don’t even think about it .

{ Then they go to the person’s house}

{They knock on the door}

Tucker} Are you sure that this is the right address ?.

Jason} Yes .

{ Then the person hears the noise, and sneaks up to the door with a shot gun}

{ Then he opens the door}

Jason} Ohhhhhhh, who the hell are you ?.

The person} what are you doing, knocking on my door, man , are you crazy or something ?.

Jason} No, I’m not crazy, you are crazy, why do you have a shot gun ?.

Person} Look, what are you doing here ?.

Jason} Are you my uncle ?.

Person} Heh ?.

Jason} This is Jason, your nephew, I took a DNA test, and it said that you were my uncle, is it true ?.

Person} Brother .

Tucker} Jason, so you’re telling me that this bloody serial killer is your uncle , what the hell ?.

Jason} Yes I know, it is what it is .

{ Then they run away}

Jason} Why did you take me to do a bloody DNA test ?.

Tucker} Cause I didn’t bloody know that we’d meet that phychopath .

{ Delsin’s read}

” Oh burn, who knew that Jason’s long lost uncle would be a murderer ?, I didn’t even see it coming, I wish I did though, If I knew, I would of brang my base ball bat .

Jason} Can you just spare me a few hours, have some me time, thank you, goodbye . { Then he walks off}

{ Then, next scene, it shows Jason having a meltdown}

Jason} What the hell, you are telling me that , he is my uncle, have you seen him ?.

Leroy} I know , Jason, just knock it out of the park .

Jason} Hmm, knock it out of the park, I’ll knock you out of the park in a minute .

Leroy} You have lost your marbles, mate .

{ Leroy’s read}

” Yeah, so unfortunatly, Jason has had no relief of his amateur hour, he’s just kicking a tree now, I would show you but I don’t think you’d want to know, it’s just too disturbing .

Tucker} Jason, just let it go .

Jason} I’m not gonna let it go, you don’t know on what it’s like to have a long lost uncle who is a serial killer, he almost bloody tried to kill me, how could I let go of that ?.

Tucker} Where did he even find the massive rifle, is he crazy or something ?.

Jason} Don’t ask me on why he had it, that question will be left unanswered .

{Tucker’s read}

” Oh god, this is hilarious, I don’t know whether I should laugh or feel sorry for him, but, it’s too much for me .

Delsin} I have no idea on why he’s even like this .

Jason} Oh really, cause I don’t know either, I just feel like getting my shoe and throwing it at the wall .

Tucker} Just do it, and you’ll pay for repairs .

Jason} Oh I hate you, I bloody hate you, you are shit , you know that ?. { Then he walks off}

Leroy} Woah, where are you going ?.

{Jason walks off and picks up his folder of photos}

Leroy} What are you doing ?.

Jason} I’m gonna burn my photos .

Leroy} Why are you gonna do that ?.

Jason} Cause you know why I’m gonna do it, you’ve been here the whole day .

Delsin} Did you even get to know your uncle , properly ?.

Jason} Yes, of course I did, him pulling out a gun is a way of getting to know someone, and it somehow seems like we have a massive connection .

Tucker} How did you even find out that he was a serial killer ?, did you do some research online ?.

Jason} No I didn’t, all of that is complete bullshit, I actually turned up at his house and gave me a clue by sneaking up to the door with a 10 feet tall rifle, is that good enough for you ?.

Delsin} This is so weird .

Jason} Well , you are a genius, god knows what he’s been doing, he’s probably roaming the streets, doing god knows what to people, stalking people, and he appears to be my uncle .

Tucker} I wouldn’t even be surprised if he had murdered people, he was probably let loose in the 70s and still roaming free in the 21st century, I mean, god knows what people are thinking .

{Jason picks up a lighter}

Tucker} Woah woah woah, what are you doing ?.

Jason} You know what I’m doing, if you see a lighter, you get the answer straight away, just let the lighter do the talking .

Leroy} You are seriously gonna blow the place up .

Jason} Don’t point that out, I know what I’m doing, I have serious experience in lighting shit up, just watch and learn .

Tucker} No, I don’t think I’d want to .

{Jason sets the picture on fire}

Jason} See, didn’t take long .

Tucker} You are crazy .

Jason} Why thank you .

Tucker} Yeah, I’m gonna head off, have a bath . { Then he makes a signal for Lawrence and Leroy to come with him}

Jason} Hey, where are you off to, the night’s still young , guys, guys .

{Then Tucker, Leroy and Delsin runs off}

{Tucker’s read}

” Woah, what was I thinking, honestly, I actually knew that this was gonna happen, I mean, I knew that it would kick off, but I didn’t know that it would lead to this, borderline ameteur hour .

{Jason’s read}

” If any of you need me, I’ll be setting up a trance in my office, if you are ready to face the failure of it all, then you can hop along too, cause it’s very dumb and useless, no shit .

{ Leroy’s read}

” Jason actually taught me a very important lesson, he taught me that DNA tests are awful, they are the worst things you can ever get done, I mean, it’s there if you want to , you know, find out that one of your family members is a serial killer, the choices are there, and you should do it with open arms .

{ Meanwhile, Delsin, Tucker and Leroy are watching Jason do a trance in his office}

Tucker} Omg, guys, come and check this out .

Delsin} What is it ?.

Tucker} Jason is doing a trance in the office, he seriously looks pissed .

Leroy} Yeah, he’s probably had a rough day .

{ Then it shows Jason sneaking around in a circle with maracas}

Tucker} Oh god, I can’t watch this anymore, I feel like I’m gonna vomit .

{ Tucker’s read}

” Yeah, just a reminder, whatever you do, yeah, don’t disturb Jason, there’s a trance taking place in the office, and I’d suggest that you don’t walk in on him, otherwise, there’s a chance of biting your head off, thank you, you can carry on with your day, now .

{Meanwhile, Jason is in his office, sitting down, using his computer}

Jason} Right, so I am done with the trance, I just can’t do something serious with the DNA thing on my mind .

{ Then he starts typing in stuff for research}

Jason} Ok, so I have proceeded to do more research, and, I’m doing this because, I can’t turn into the hulk if I don’t know much about my uncle’s back round and I’m seeing so many conspiracy theories and I just don’t know on what to believe , anymore .

{Jason starts reading stuff on the internet}

Jason} Ok so, it says here that, he was a serial killer and he did many killings in the 70s and he was roaming free during the time of 1975 and 1976 and he was arrested for the number of murders and he escaped and then got arrested again and then he escaped and got arrested again , see, I knew it, could of told you that, 5 hours ago, that’s sickening, that is .

{ Jason’s read}

” I’m sorry but, that man can’t be my uncle, he’s sick, would I want to be related to somebody who tries to kill somebody with a weird formula or brings a massive machete where ever he goes, nah, you must be bad with your choices, I’m sorry but, I don’t want to end up in a coffin, that would be the last thing I’d want, this is terrible, I wanna know on why he’s released from prison, he can roaming around anywhere right now .

Jason} Oh hold on a sec, why does it have a different address, Oh, I think I know, the person on who I met was a good friend of his , yeah, the guy that I was talking about is still in prison, omg, what a mix up, I mean, I don’t know whether I should be grateful or still be disturbed and confused, but, I am disturbed because the guy is still a serial killer .

{ Meanwhile, Jason is talking to a person in his office}

Jason} What adds up to all of this ?.

Person} Well, um, there is a chance of him being your uncle .

Jason} And who even is this man ?.

Person} Well, um, there is a 99 percent chance that your uncle is the Serpent .

Jason} Are you serious, 99 percent, omg, thank you for being brutally dishonest, I bloody hate you .

Person} Well, I’m sorry but, the life story is completely similar, and there’s a massive chance of it being him .

Jason} I can’t believe this, so you’re saying that my uncle is Charles Sobraj, I’m pissed, can I speak to your bloody manager ?.

Person} No, I’m sorry, I can’t get him at this moment in time .

Jason} No, bring me your manager or get off my bloody list .

{The person walks off nervously}

{Jason’s read}

” Oh for goodness sake, I can’t believe that I have lived to see this moment and day, and I bet that that’s not the end of this story, just dread and more dread, and hopefully more dread .

Jason} I’m just sick of this, .

Tucker} Well, you can’t be mad all the ruddy day , so, { Then he makes a signal to get rid of}

Jason} Alright, I’m going, see you in another world .

Tucker} Yeah, keep dreaming .

Jason} Where the hell is Delsin and Leroy ?.

Tucker} Oh um, they are standing outside, do you want me to get them for you ?.

Jason} Yes Tucker, that would be good .

{ Few minutes later, everybody is in the office}

Jason} Ok guys, so I’m gonna have a chat with you about something .

Lawrence} Ok , what is it ?.

Jason} Well, you know, about the DNA fiasco ?.

Lawrence} I’ve heard of it .

Jason} Ok well, the results online, say that my uncle is the one who is in prison, not the guy who me and Tucker met .

Leroy} Really ?, who was it ?.

Jason} It was Ajay .

Tucker} Who the hell is Ajay ?.

Jason} Oh, he used to be good friends with him but he didn’t want him in his life anymore, then he disappeared and then stayed at my uncle’s house, it said it on the internet .

Leroy} What, why didn’t you tell us earlier ?.

Jason} Cause I was angry, I couldn’t control myself .

Tucker} And who is your uncle, then ?.

Jason} My uncle is, Charles Sobraj .

Leroy} Why does his name sound so familiar ?, I swear I have heard of him before .

Lawrence} Oh yeah, that’s the guy , innit, that guy who meets all of these people and drugs them and steals their passports .

Leroy} Yeah, that’s right .

Then, Jason has a memory, in his memory, it features him and his parents at the party and they witness people getting sick around them, and his parents try to warn him about it but he doesn’t understand and they see a person taking travellers and guests in a hotel room and they cut the holiday short, from then, he realizes that he is bad news .

Jason} Yeah, but that’s not good though, he is my uncle, and he’s probably the guy who was in the photos, { Gasps} , does that mean that he tried to kill us ?.

Tucker} I don’t know, I wouldn’t jump to conclusion , so fast .

Jason} But look though, that’s who he is, what secrets have my parents kept from me ?, my uncle is the Serpent . { Then he shows them a picture}

Delsin} I don’t know whether I should feel sorry or laugh .

Jason} Well, of course you should feel sorry, it’s been swept under the carpet, that’s probably why my parents always refuse to talk about him .

Tucker} Is that why you never told us what his name was ?.

Jason} No, cause I never knew who he was, didn’t I, I don’t predict someone’s identity, who do you think I am, Catweazle ?.

{ Delsin spits out his tea}

Jason} If any of you think that I’m Catweazle, you can bog wash yourself in a toilet .

{Leroy suddenly breaks out laughing}

, { Then Jason sits in a daze}

{Tucker tries to get his attention} ” Hello, Jason, you look a bit frazzled, go outside for a bit of fresh air, come in when you are ready .

{ Then he goes outside}

{ Jason’s read}

” Who the heck do they think I am, Catweazle ?, that’s the last thing they bloody want ” .

Jason} Ok, I have calmed down a bit, now, I think I’m ready to go back in .

{ Then Jason hears music , booming from down the corridor to his office}

{ Then he turns around and sees Tucker, Delsin and Leroy singing and dancing in the office}

Jason} What the hell are you guys doing ?.

{ Then they carry on singing and dancing to the songs on the soundtrack from The Serpent, then they sing the song, Katmandu by Bob Seger}

{Jason just runs out of the place}

Jason} Yeah, we are gonna pretend that that didn’t happen .

{ Then it ends with a scene of Lawrence, Tucker and Leroy lip syncing to the song, How To Catch A Girl by Rita Chao and The Quests}

End of mocumentary script .