The Disastrous Detectives Script, The Sick Day

{ First scene, David and Craig are lying on the floor}

David groaning} ” I can’t feel my hands .

Craig} Yeah, I’m totally gone , I feel very sick , how long have we been here , for ?.

David} We’ve been here for 5 minutes, straight .

Craig} Oh, .

{ Collin walks in }

Collin} Hey guys, how are we ?.

David} Not so good, I have come down with some sort of a flu .

Craig} Yeah, so have I .

Collin} If you guys are sick, why did you come in ?.

David} Because, I’m doing a report, I’m gonna have no sick days .

Collin} Yeah, but you’ll get me , sick , the shit spreads, you know ?.

David} Don’t look at me like I have the corona virus , I only have a flu .

Collin} What the hell is the corona virus ?, are you guys ok ?.

David} Yeah, I feel great, I’m unstoppable , the virus won’t bring me down . { Groans as he lies back down}

Collin} You really need to get some rest , if you need anything, come and find me .

{ Collin leaves the room}

David} Craig, is this still called a phone ?.

Craig} Yes, we haven’t fast forward a few years , we are still on the same day .

David} Oh ok .

Craig, I’m gonna call my mum .

David} Ok .

{ Craig goes and calls his mum}

Craig} Hello mother, what , you made something with the olives ?, no, don’t give them to me, there’s so much acid , no, no no no, yeah, please, shh, nooooo .

{David laughing}

Craig} Can you please put down the phone, press the red button, put it down , no, go on the left, ok, bye .

David} What the hell happened ?.

Craig} It was my mum, she still doesn’t know on how to use a phone .

David} Didn’t you even teach her ?.

Craig} I did, you know, yeah ?, she still mucks it up .

David} Craig, do you think that Collin knows what the coronavirus is ?.

Craig} Yeah, I’m sure he does .

David} But he questioned us about it, why would he ask us about it, if he already knew about it ?.

Craig} I don’t know, he’s probably playing with us .

{ Meanwhile, in the Collin’s office, a news report comes on , about the coronavirus}

{The news in the back round}

Journalist} There’s a new virus, it’s called Covid 19, people are concerned over businesses as they go bust .

{Collin turns off the Tv and runs into the main room to find David and Craig}

Collin} The what ?, shit , shit , shit, where’s David and Craig ?.

{ Collin walks into the room}

David} Oh hey, Collin , what’s going on ?.

Craig} Yeah, what was all that screaming about ?.

David} Geez Collin, I never knew you were scared of a window .

Collin} I’m not scared of windows, I’m not scared of anything .

David} So what was all of the screaming about ?.

Collin} There’s a new virus .

David} I know, I found out a few days ago .

Collin} What ?, but it just made the headlines , just now, how could you already know ?.

Craig} Wow, it looks like , David has a fortune telling power .

Collin} No he doesn’t, I don’t understand .

David} Yeah, on the way to work, I saw people wearing these filters on their faces .

Collin} Yeah, filters ?, they are called masks , where did you get filters from ?.

David} I don’t know, because they look like filters, when they talk , it looks like they are a fish .

Craig} I don’t know what you are talking about , let me just watch the news .

{ Turns the tv on}

Journalist} There has now been 500 cases of this invisible killer .

Craig} Holy crap .

Collin} I know, spreading fast .

Craig} Hang on, why are there people, running about like mad ?.

Collin} What do you mean ?, it’s supposed to be like that, there’s a blooming pandemic going on .

David} Oh hang on, they are still talking about it .

Journalist} There’s a lockdown, all places and hospitality must shut down .

Collin} Oh, closing places down ?, can’t believe this .

Craig} At least the pubs are still open .

Journalist} All pubs and cafes must shut down .

Craig} Oh, damn it, there’s nothing left that can’t be closed .

David} Oh wait, they say that the parks can stay open .

Craig} I don’t want to go for a bloody walk in the park .

Journalist} The parks will be closed too , to slow the spread of the virus .

David} Oh this is just shit .

Craig} What even is a lockdown ?.

Collin} I think it’s something where you stay at home .

Craig} Oh geez .

David} I think we’ll have to go on strike .

Collin} No, we won’t, it doesn’t work that way .

David} Yes it does, I don’t want to watch the news, turn off the tv . { Turns off tv}

Collin} What the heck, David , I was watching that .

David} You have watched enough .

Collin} We need to watch it , so that we keep updated on what’s going on .

David} Yeah, don’t want to .

Craig} One minute, who’s that bloke ?.

Collin} What ?, you mean Boris Johnson ?.

Craig} Nah, mate, that’s Rick Flair .

Collin} No it’s not, one minute, did you say Rick Flair ?, who the hell is that ?.

Craig} Don’t know , and who’s that ?. { Points at the tv screen}

Collin} That’s Matt Hancock .

Craig} No it’s not, are you blind ?, that’s the guy who I saw on the train .

Collin} What, him ?, what do you mean ?.

Craig} I sat next to him on the train .

Collin} Did you ?.

Craig} Yeah .

Collin} What was he doing ?.

Craig} Oh, he was sitting behind a woman with her child , and he was doing funny faces, and she turned on him .

Collin} Are you sure that you are not just making this up ?.

Craig} No, why would I lie ? .

Collin} Ok , carry on .

Craig} Ok, so he sat down and started laughing and I swear, he looked like a robot .

Collin} This is sounding a little bit familiar .

Craig} Oh really, have you ever sat next to him , before ?.

Collin} No, don’t think I would .

David} Guys, be quiet, I’m trying to listen to this .

Craig} Who’s that, now ?.

Collin} Dominic Cummings .

Craig} Nah, don’t think so, he looks like that geezer’s pychotic twin .

{ Collin trying not to laugh}

Collin} What do you mean, he looks nothing like the other bloke .

Craig}  No, he does, you need to go to Spec savers, mate , you should get contacts .

Collin} I don’t need contacts , stop going on about that .

David} Oh look, the other person’s gonna talk .

Craig} What person is it ?.

David} Um, I think it’s Chris Witty .

Collin} Oh, Chris Witty .

Craig} Yeah, I know him, he looks like , that ……

Collin { inaudible }

End of script .