Behind The Looking Glass Script, The New Advert

Collin} Guys, I need to talk to you about something .

David} What is it, this time ?.

Craig} Yeah, you time waster .

Collin} Hey, I know that I was harsh on you yesterday , I’m gonna make it up to you , I promise .

David} What are you gonna do for us this time, send us to the corner shop, and say that nothing is for us ?.

Craig} Yeah, dig us in the ground , even deeper ?.

Collin} No, I need you to create an advert to promote the detecting industry , you boys look like you are up for the job .

David} Hah, do we look like the sort of people for that ? , I told you, I don’t know IT .

Craig} Yeah, I’m awful with computers , don’t even get me started on them .

Collin} You won’t be using the computers, you will be using cameras for this project .

David} What the hell are cameras ?.

Craig} Cameras ?.

Collin} Yeah cameras, haven’t you heard of them ?.

David} No .

Craig} Nah, they don’t sound familiar .

Collin} Are you kidding me ?, .

David} Yeah, we haven’t heard of them before , have you heard of them, Craig ?.

Craig} No .

Collin} Come on guys, get your head out of the clouds , I mean, what the hell is this, the 20th century ?, this is the new generation .

David} Yeah, but they are not called cameras, .

Craig} Yeah, they aren’t named that .

Collin} What ,  of course they are cameras, don’t be silly , what are they called , then ?.

David} No, they are called things .

Craig} That’s what they are called, you are a genius .

Collin} Things ?, you guys are nuts .

David} Yeah, blame that on the people who invented them .

Collin} I am not gonna call them, Things .

David} I am very happy with calling them , Things .

Craig} Yes, me too .

Collin} I am not gonna say ,” Get the things ” , I’ll look like a complete tool .

David} When do you want us to actually make the advert ?.

Craig} Yeah, we are here , talking about bloody things .

Collin} Yeah well, you are the ones , who brang up this subject , made us talk about cameras .

David} Hey, they are called, Things .

Collin} Whatever, just go and get started .

{ Meanwhile, Craig and David are shooting the advert}

Craig} How the hell do we turn this thing on ?.

David} I don’t know, there’s a button on the right hand side , click that .

Craig} Ok, oh, this is absolutely useless .

David} Has it not turned on ?.

Craig} No , it’s a piece of crap, oh here you go, it turned on .

David} Ok, now what do we need to do ?.

Craig} We need to film ourselves .

David} Saying what ?.

Craig} I don’t know, probably stuff about the department , why people should apply for this job .

David} Oh ok , do I need a script or something ?.

Craig} No, have you heard of improvisation ?.

David} No .

Craig} Use that .

David} Ok, um ,  have you witnessed a crime , need somebody to solve it , then you’ve come to the right place , welcome to The Police Department .

Craig} David, can I just stop you right there ?, what the hell, Police Department ?.

David} Yeah, what’s wrong with that ?.

Craig} Hmm, ” Is it alright ?” , no, we are not a part of a police department , we are detectives .

David} Oh yeah, forgot about that , anyway, keep on rolling .

Craig} Ok, .

{David starts dancing }

Craig} Woah what the hell , what are you doing ?.

David} Doing what ?.

Craig} Why are you dancing ?.

David} I am dancing because , it makes it interesting .

Craig} Yeah, but people are expecting this to be a flipping dance class .

David} What am I supposed to do , stand there, talking like a robot ?, I’d rather dance then do all of the talking .

Craig} Yeah, but we solve crimes here, not do dance competitions , loosen up .

David} Ok fine .

Craig} We might as well just talk about how whack our boss is .

David} Yeah .

Craig} I mean, what does he want us to do ?.

David} Yeah , just sits down, playing bloody checkers , meanwhile, making us walk  down the mountains .

Craig} Yeah, .

David} Ok, we should carry on .

Craig} Ok .

David} ” Our boss is bonkers , he made us walk down Green Lanes in the freezing cold , and we discovered a boot, I mean  seriously a boot, I’m bloody raging .

Craig} Just keep it edgy , and don’t laugh , otherwise people won’t take it seriously .

David} Are you kidding me ?, this is based on a real life event , I won’t laugh, I’m raging about it .

Collin} Hey guys , how are you getting on ?.

David} Rubbish .

Craig} Couldn’t think of a better word for it .

Collin} Can I see on what you have so far ?.

David} No , I don’t think .

Craig} No .

Collin} Oh come on, you must of done something over the last couple of minutes .

David} We did, but it’s not ready to be in the hands of a very stupid boss .

Collin} Excuse me, who are you ?.

David} No, who are you ?.

Craig} David, calm down .

David} Get off me , man .

Collin} I’m just gonna check the footage on the camera .

David} Thing .

Collin} Oh shut up .

{ Watches the footage }

Collin} What in the living hell is this ?.

David} A advertisement commercial , sir .

Collin} No, I can’t get my head around what exactly is happening here .

David} We are now film directors , move over Steven Spielberg .

Collin} This is shit .

Craig} I’ll take that as a compliment .

Collin} Playing checkers , what the ?.

David} That’s the best part .

Craig} What do you think of it ?.

Collin} It’s just crap .

David} Yes, I was waiting for that word, my whole life .

Craig} We are uploading it on our website .

David} Yes, let’s do it , let’s do it .

Craig} Done, it’s uploaded , we have to wait for somebody to reply back to us .

David} Woah , we got 5 reviews already .

Craig} Ok, read them out, read them out ?.

David starts reading the reviews} the first one says, ” I just watched the advert , I really fancy the other guy ” .

Craig} What the heck ?, what is that got to do with our department ?.

David} No idea, this is not Tinder .

Craig} Wait, who did she say that she fancied ?.

Collin} She said that she fancied David .

David} Yes, get in , I’m so happy .

Craig} Dang it , I hate it, why does she fancy you ?, you haven’t shaved in 10 days .

David} Oh shut up, I have .

Craig} This thing is a god damn farce , I came here to work in detecting, not to get held up in the stupid world .

David} Oh wait, hold on a sec , who are all of these people ?.

Craig} No idea ?.

David} Craig, you have a long lost cousin , congratulations .

Craig} What , I have a cousin ?.

David} Seems like it .

Craig} Woah , I have an uncle, auntie, but I don’t remember having a cousin .

David} Wait, where the hell is Collin ?.

Craig} No idea , he was here a minute ago .

David} Wait a minute, I think that these are all fake reviews and accounts .

Craig} Wait really ?.

David} Yeah, I think that Collin made all of these .

Craig} Collin, that little git .

Collin} Hey guys .

David} Why did you send us fake reviews ?.

Craig} Yeah, you fooled me into thinking that I have a cousin .

David} Why did you say that you fancied me ?.

Craig} Ohhh, David’s got a girlfriend .

David} Shut up, I don’t have a girlfriend , anyway, I wouldn’t be girlfriends with Collin .

Craig} We are very annoyed about what you did to us .

Collin} You are annoyed ?, I am annoyed, what you said about me in the advert .

David} I know, but you do do that , we aren’t saying it for the views .

Craig} Yeah, we have to warn the people before they come .

David} Yeah, if it was last thing , it would be a nightmare .

Collin} Yeah, but the advert would make us look stupid .

David} I am not gonna delete the advert , it’s too much effort .

Craig} Yeah , the thing is a masterpiece .

David} You have to give us a proper job , we can’t make adverts .

Collin} Oh I’m going to give you a proper job alright, meet me in the office at 3 , tomorrow, we’ll have a chat about the job premises .

David} Ok, it better be something good .

Collin} Oh it will be good , alright .

End of script