The Hackney Diaries Script} The Tree

Joe} Hey .

Hayley} Hey .

Joe} Did you see that film that was on last night ?.

Hayley} No, was there a film on, last night ?.

Joe} Yes there was, don’t tell me that you didn’t watch it .

Hayley} Well, I don’t keep the TV on when I’m asleep .

Joe} Well that I can understand, but you are seriously missing out .

Hayley} Well, what was it about , anyway ?.

Joe} Oh um, it was about this ship that was, oh wow, a tree .

Hayley} Joe come back, you didn’t explain the rest .

Joe} Wow .

Hayley} What’s all the hype about ?.

Joe} It’s a tree, it is a tree .

Hayley} I know , but we see trees every day, it’s nothing special, unless you are MR Miyagi , which you are not .

Joe} Hey, trees are cool, plus , this one is perfectly formed , you don’t see trees like these anymore .

Hayley} Jesus Christ, the next thing is that you’ll have dreams and thoughts about trees .

Joe} If you don’t like trees, I am not your friend, get out .

Hayley} I’ll stay, I’m not a quitter .

Joe} Hey, why don’t we make a tree house ?.

Hayley} We are not gonna build a tree house, are you nuts ?.

Joe} What ?, just because I like trees, I am nuts .

Hayley} It’s just a tree, you have lost your mind, completely .

Joe} Hey, you do know that , trees produce oxygen , if we don’t have oxygen , we’ll die .

Hayley} Yeah, but I am not here for a lecture , if you wanna talk and live in a tree, that’s your decision .

Joe} Well, I am going to build it, and I’m going to live in it .

Hayley} Ok, but don’t build it in my garden .

Joe} Why do you care ?.

Hayley} What do you mean ?, ” why do you I care ?, I have a right to care, it’s my garden .

Joe} Well, you don’t have to care, this tree house is going to be awesome .

Hayley} You are literally going to complain that it feels like living in a prison , don’t come running to me when that happens .

Joe} I’ll be a popular person , imagine having a wooden hideout in your back yard , it’ll be so cool .

Hayley} Well, I am not looking forward to seeing a block of wood on my layer of green grass .

Joe} It’s not a plank of wood , it’s more then that .

Hayley} Ok well, explain it to me .

Joe} It has a ladder and everything .

Hayley} Right so, it’s like a dog house ?.

Joe} Hayley, you are seriously pissing me off .

Hayley} Of course , it’s a flipping dog house, it’s straight up a dog house , don’t tell me that it is not, because it is .

Joe} Have you even seen pictures of a tree house before ?.

Hayley} No, I don’t want to anyway, so just keep it as that .

Joe} I don’t know what’s in with you , I only want to build a tree house, I’m not planning murders , it’s not a crime .

Hayley} Ok first of all, it is a crime because, every time you’ll wake up and you’ll meet a new friend .

Joe} Yeah, and what is wrong with that ?.

{ Hayley making the signal of the spider }

{ Joe making a scared face}

Joe} Oh no, I haven’t thought about that part yet , oh yeah, I have totally realized that , spiders don’t bother me , so I’m fine .

Hayley} Yeah, but they bother me , so don’t come mailing it to my door , otherwise, you are gonna find a shoe , hanging from your ceiling .

J0e} There’s no reason for you to glue a hanging boot to my ceiling .

Hayley} Oh, don’t give me a lecture on how spiders are, otherwise, big mistake .

Joe} I’m not giving you a lecture on spiders .

Hayley} Are you sure ?, because that is what you are doing right now .

Joe} But I am not holding a stick , pointing at a whiteboard , so there’s a difference .

Hayley} You really need to face the reality , you are in the dream world mate, the reality is that, when you’ll look down and realize that you are not in a house, you are in a tree .

Joe} Is that even relevant ?.

Hayley} Yes it is .

Joe} You know what, all of this effort for nothing, I am going to go and just build it , and get it over with .

Hayley} Ok whatever .

{ 5 minutes later }

Joe} Hayley .

Hayley} Yes .

Joe} Could you come down for a minute , I need to show you something ?.

Hayley} Ok, I’m coming .

Hayley} What is it ?.

Joe} I think there’s a spider in the tree house .

Hayley} Wow, I told you didn’t I ?.

Joe} It’s not a joke, it’s a flipping turantula as well .

Hayley} We don’t have turantulas in London , Joe .

Joe} I know, but now we do , could you come and find it  for me ?.

Hayley} I’m not very fond of them myself, you have to just leave it or come out of the tree house .{ She starts walking away }

Joe} Right great, so you are just gonna leave me up here to die ?.

Hayley} You are not gonna die, Joe, it isn’t a house fire, it’s just a spider, it isn’t gonna do any harm .

Joe} But you said that you hated them , why are you acting like you are an expert ?.

Hayley} Well, you wanted to build a tree house , so there you go, live with it .

Joe} Are you kidding me ?.

Hayley} I’m not your mum , you are old enough to do it yourself , see ya .

Joe} What ?, no .

Joe} Ok, I have a plan .

{ The next morning }

{Hayley wakes up and finds a spider on her ceiling }

Joe} Ha ha ha .

Hayley} ahhhhhh, I’m gonna get you for this .

Joe} Looks like my job here is done, I’m gonna get the yeet out of here .

 

end of script