The Boys Of New York City, Mocumentary Script, Taking Shit From Four Fools

{First scene, Ponyboy is standing outside of his house}

Ponyboy} You know what, can I tell you something, ok so, I watched this really crazy documentary, last night. So basically, it was about this person who got sent into space by his work colleagues at NASA and he went into space with a space ship and along the way, he saw a small spectical 2 miles away from him, so he got closer and it turned out to be a space ship, it was like this massive looking thing, a space ship, right, and he couldn’t believe it,  he thought that he was seeing things , he told all of his work colleauges about his discovery, they all thought that he lost his shit . In the end, it wasn’t a space ship, it was a bidet and he got sectioned, he was admitted to a mental hospital, they gave him 10 years. But wow, it was a crazy documentary, I got goosebumps, you can still see them on my arms . But it sort of makes me feel bad, because like, every time I look up into the sky, I just think that there will be a floating bidet, on how many families need it in their washrooms and what it’s doing up there, but yeah .

{Next scene, everybody is in Reggie’s office}

Dallas} This is just weird, why’s everybody staring at me ?.

Reggie} What are you talking about, we’re not staring at you .

Dallas} Are you sure, cause like, all of you have eyes and shit, what do you think, you think I can’t see shit ?, huh ?.

Reggie} Dallas, I need you to calm down, you’re getting all uneasy for no reason .

Dallas} Wow, for goodness sake, you think that this is uneasy, you crazy .

Two Bit} This is gonna be fun . { Sarcastically}

Johnny} Right so, you’re not gonna agnoledge the fact that there is a person and a wild boar beating the shit out each other in the farm next door ?, okey dokey .

Steve} What the actual heck, what does that have to do with us ?.

Reggie} You are right, Steve, it is none of our business, we should stay on topic .

Dallas} Yeah right, like you stay on topic .

Reggie} What do you mean, of course I stay on topic, what do you think I’m doing now, tap dancing, goodness sake .

Dallas} Look, if a fight between a human and a wild boar is gonna grab your attention, then you need serious help from a professional .

{Dally’s read}

” Look, if I’m gonna get fooled by a dude, I definetely wouldn’t be fooled by a guy like that, he’s just trying too hard, I just hope that there would be a day where the truth comes out and the air gets cleared and he’ll turn around and say that he is not a youth worker and he’s just some dude who works in a grocery store, cause he has the brain of an grocery store assistant who will be able to lend you a pack of bananas on the top part of a stocked shelf, not even that, he’d probably not even know what a banana even is, the only thing that he’ll know is what a 200 hundred dollar bill looks like and that’s about it ” .

Two Bit} If all of you are interested in the wild boar attacking the man, who is the guy getting attacked ?.

Johnny} I don’t know, my uncle .

Two Bit} That is impossible, that looks nothing like your uncle .

Johnny} Have you even met my uncle before ?.

Two Bit} No .

Johnny} Well then .

{Then Two Bit just twitches his head}

Johnny} Anyway, why would my uncle work in a farm in New York City, my uncle works in a fridge manufacturer in Chicago, why would he come all the way down here just to work with wild pigs .

Two Bit} I don’t know, Johnny, he probably came down here by jet, his ass is to big to come by car .

{Johnny looks at him in an angry way and then he slaps Two Bit}

{ Then Two Bit starts laughing}

Ponyboy} Look Reggie, can you just tell us your news, I’m all ears, those spineless jerks can’t even spell .

Johnny} Oh my gosh, Dally, did you hear that, Ponyboy said that we can’t even spell .

Dallas} Oh my gosh, he didn’t . { He said as he gasped}

Reggie} Ok guys, so Steve has something that he wants to say .

Johnny} Ooooh, what do you have to say, Steve?.

Steve} Well, you see, I lost my DVD and I wanna know if you guys saw any sign of it .

Ponyboy} What DVD is it ?.

Steve} Well, it’s a blue ray edition of Napoleon Dynamite, has anyone seen it anywhere ?.

Dallas} What the blinking heck is Napoleon Dynamite, is he your dad ?.

Johnny} Nooo, it’s not like his name is Steve Dynamite, is it ?.

Steve} No he is not my dad . Anyway, I was just wondering if any of you found it in a lost and found box or something ?, and you just can’t bother to return it back to it’s owner .

Dallas} Oh come on, it’s a blinking DVD, it’s plastic, why would it walk back it’s owner ?, I mean, I know that it’s the principal, but come on .

Reggie} Guys, I don’t mean to blame anyone, but did any of you take it or something ?.

Johnny} Oh hell nah .

Dallas} Why would I steal a DVD, I don’t even know what that movie is, I’ve never heard of it in my life, the only dynamite that I know is the bomb, didn’t know that there was a movie as well, priceless .

Steve} You know what, you guys are weird, you’ve been living under a rock, there is no way that it walked off, for it to disappear, somebody has to touch it .

{Then Dallas looks at him in a strange way}

Dallas} Where are you going with this, are you saying that I stole it ?.

Steve} Well yes and no, if you didn’t, I don’t know who did, it was either between you and Johnny boy .

Johnny} Nice, thank you, Steve, for not blaming me .

Steve} No problem, any time, man .

Johnny} Yeahhhhhhhh .

Dallas} Steve, there’s no way that you can be doing this, I wouldn’t touch a stranger’s DVD without permission .

Jeff} Oh is that so, what about the time when I let you borrow my pocket knife and you didn’t give it back ?, huh, what about that then, wise ass .

Dallas} Yo, that wasn’t my fault, I told you that I was gonna give it back when I was done with cutting a bin liner open and then, one of my stupid friends stole it from me without permission, why ya’ll blaming me ?.

Reggie} Steve, do you remember on where you last had it ?.

Steve} Well yeah, I left it in the washroom .

Dallas} Why would you leave it in the washroom, you dumb shit ?.

Steve} What, what’s wrong with that, I had to go and take a shit .

Johnny} Wow, and that, ladies and gentlemen is how to reply to a joker question, you’re such a dumbass, honestly, why would you keep it in a washroom ?.

Steve} Because I wouldn’t put it in a coffee machine, wouldn’t I ?.

Ponyboy} Well no, because it wouldn’t fit, you’d have to be a silly boy to put a DVD in there, you silly boy .

Reggie} Hey, hey hey hey, take it easy, I don’t wanna have a brick thrown through my window, thank you very much .

Dallas} Reg, if you had to take advice from someone, who would you avoid ?.

Steve} Oh, you want some, you want some, you better not say my name, otherwise I’ll bring out the big guns .

Dallas} Oh alright, and what is that, you’re pen, oh alright then, try me, bitch . { Then he starts shuffling his fingers around}

Johnny} Oh ok, so you guys are gonna fight now, alright then, I’m gonna leave you guys to it .

Steve} Guys come on, leave each other alone, you are fighting for dumb reasons . { Then Dallas turns around and walks up to Steve}

Dallas} What did you say, what did you say, you little shit, whatcha say ?, wise ass .

Steve} Did I stutter ?.

{Reggie comes in and splits them up} ” Guys come on, save some for later ” .

{A few minutes later, everyone is sitting down}

Dallas} Oh for crying out loud, Steve, just find your stupid DVD and move on, we don’t have to keep this up, looking like fools .

Steve} No, because I don’t know where it is, I don’t have the magical power to bring something back from an unknown place, what am I, a wizard ?.

Dallas} Bahahahaha, you wish, like you’d actually give up your time in New York to become a wizard and to wear a stupid hat and wave a wand to make someone feel stupid .

Steve} Man, you’re so full of shit, you have no idea what you’re talking about, you’re lying through your teeth .

Dallas} Oh am I, am I lying, I don’t know, I think I’m speaking truth .

Steve} What world are you in, to actually believe that you are speaking truth, cause it was originally bullshit, you know who you are, you are the king of bullshit .

Dallas} Yes thank you, Stevie, I am the king of bullshit and I’m proud .

Steve} Yeah, we’ll see about that .

{Steve’s read}

” Wow, I’m speechless, honestly, who does that guy think he is, coming in, thinking that he’s gonna even things out, but guess what, it isn’t gonna happen, he’s gonna be right under them ” .

Johnny} Dally, no, shut up .

Dallas} Look, yeah, if you want me to find it for you, I would be happy to, I have learned this skill called, Takara Heto Reclemadelia, it is true art .

Steve} Oh for god sake, what the hell is Takara Heto Reclemadelia, Dallas ?.

Ponyboy} Jesus Christ, Dally, you didn’t watch that video, did you ?.

Dallas} Oh my god, do you really think that I’m dumb enough to watch a video online and suddenly, I have learned all of these magic tricks .

Ponyboy} But it was made for crossing the road, it’s nothing to do with magic .

Dallas} Wow, you must be fun at parties .

Ponyboy} Why thank you, I bet that you are the clown .

{Then Dally makes a facial expression at the camera}

{Dally’s read}

” Oh my god, who does Johnny boy think he is, honestly, he thinks that he is the life of the party, when really, he is the person who just makes the whole thing flop, I could just imagine on how fun he would be at dinner parties and the circus, probably not a lot of fun ” .

Reggie} Guys, can you just calm down, what’s going on here, every one is going crazy .

Johnny} Don’t ask me, Reg, ask them, they are the problem here, not me, I have no clue, what’s so ever, I don’t even know why Dally is standing with one leg up in the air .

{Then it shows Dallas standing in the corner of the room, with one leg up in the air, everyone is confused}

Ponyboy}  What the hell, what, why’s he, oh my god, I’m so confused .

Steve} But, why are you standing there with your leg in the air, you look like some sort of wizard.

Reggie} How the hell is that gonna get Steve’s DVD ?.

Dallas} Reggie, listen to me, yeah, it will work, I’ve tried it before, you don’t always need hands for getting stuff .

Johnny} You are crazy, man .

Ponyboy} But Dallas, you don’t need magic skills just to get a box of cereal, cause that’s just dumb, could you imagine yourself in the grocery store, waving your hands in the air, trying to get a flipping pack of bananas from the top shelf, you’d look like an absolute fool .

Dallas} No, because who the hell goes to a grocery store, using hands when you could use the Tahara Hedo Recelemadelia code .

{Reggie just sits there with his hand on his face} ” Jesus Christ, lord have mercy on me ” .

{Reggie’s read}

” This is the new norm, isn’t it ?, this is what I have to deal with, first of all, why the heck is Dally standing there, waving his hands in the air, looking like a damn fool, just wish he’d stop, I feel like I’m gonna throw up all my intestines ” .

{Then suddenly, Dally starts waving his hands in the air, singing god knows what}

Dally} Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ohhhhhhhhhh, heyyyyyyyy .

Johnny} Dally, please, stop this, it’s not helping .

Dallas} Shutttttttttttttt .

Reggie} Dallas, sit down, sittt down, man, you freak  .

{Then Dallas carries on waving his hands in the air and jumps off of the table}

{A few minutes later, everyone all fell asleep}

Steve} Guys, can any of you just admit that you stole the DVD and we can just get this over with ?.

Ponyboy} Well no, cause no one stole shit .

Steve} Ponyboy, don’t play with me, you silly boy, just tell me the truth .

Ponyboy} Stevie, I didn’t steal your stupid DVD, why would I steal such a thing ?.

Steve} Look, if any of you know anything about it, just speak up .

Johnny} I didn’t steal anything, I don’t even know what Napoleon Dynamite is .

Steve} Dallas, did you steal it ?.

Dallas} No, of course I didn’t, why would I steal your dumb VHS  thingy me bob ?.

Steve} Dally, tell the truth, did you steal it or not ?.

Dallas} What, you think I don’t know shit ?.

Steve} No, but you seem suspicious, you are acting like you are hiding something from me .

Dallas} Look Steve, look at my face, this is my face, you can’t change it .

{Then Steve looks at him with a demanding look on his face}

{Then Dally sighs and makes the confession}

Dally} Ok, it was me, I stole it, ok .

{Johnny sighs}

Johnny} Oh my god, oh hell nah, Dally, what do you have to say for yourself ?.

Dally} I’m sorry, I’m so, so, I’m sorry . { Aggressivley}

Steve} I told you, didn’t I, I knew it was him, he lied to me, he lied, hallelujah, oh my god .

Dally} Yeah alright, Stevie, get a hold of yourself, why you so surprised ?.

{Johnny’s read}

” Yeahhhhhh, the truth has come out, it has, indeed, yeahhhh ” .

{Then suddenly, Dally pulls Johnny up in the hallway}

Dally} What’s up, Sucker ?.

Johnny} Oh hi, Dal, what’s up, what are you doing here, I’m just talking to the directors, they are still making the documentary .

Dally} Are you talking shit about me, huh ?.

Johnny} No, why would I be ?.

Dally} Because I heard your voice, two miles away, the voice came from a human, it didn’t come from a horse .

Johnny} No, you are gate crashing my documentary, get out of here .

Dally} What documentary ?.

Johnny} It’s none of yo business .

Dally} Just don’t tell the directors about the whole DVD scandal, ok, it’s gonna leak all over the media and the newspapers and shit .

Johnny} Bye Felicia . { He waves}

{Then Dally walks off}

Johnny} Yeah sorry about that, he can clearly see that there’s a camera there, what is he, blind ?” .

{Meanwhile, Dallas gives Steve his DVD back}

Dallas} Right, here she is, in all her glory . { Then he gives the DVD to Steve}

Steve} It’s about time, I hope you learned your lesson, otherwise, it’s gonna be me, next time, who’s gonna be stealing your jacket .

Dallas} Yeah right, yeah yeah yah .

{Then suddenly, Steve finds out that the disc is missing and instead, Dallas replaced with a plastic plate}

{Steve doesn’t say anything, but Dally starts cracking up}

Steve} Stupid . { puts his hand on Dally’s neck}

{Ends with Johnny, Dally, Ponyboy, Two Bit are staring at the tv at Steve’s house, Two Bit is eating chocolate cake and he’s drinking beer, but the tv is not turning on, it’s just flashing because the DVD is not in there}

Johnny} Man, this movie is sick, woah, the oomph, loving it .

Ponyboy} What do you mean, there’s nothing there, it’s just flashing .

Two Bit} Can we just watch Runaway Brain ?, I have the DVD right here .

Steve} Get out of my house, just get out, embarrassment . { Then he points at them}

{Then they run out of Steve’s house and Steve chases them with a spoon}

Dally} Oh shit, he’s got a spoon .

Steve} Yeah that’s right, I have a spoon, get out of my house so I don’t have to use it, ok ?, get out .

{Then they go}

{Then it ends with Steve staring at the camera with an angry look on his face} ” Weirdos ” .

End of mocumentary script .