My Own Version Of An IT Crowd Script

Roy} Hello IT, have you tried turning it off and on again ?, Oh, I’m sorry, follow my instructions , Turn the bloody thing off .

Jen} What the hell was that , with all the shouting ?, .

Roy} Oh I am sorry Jen, maybe if you worked in this part of the department you’d understand .

Moss} Hey Roy, have you seen this video with this cat on a escalator ?, it’s gone viral .

Jen} Hey, do you guys actually do any work here  or do you just slack off , like this ?.

Roy} Jen, you are not the head of this department, you can’t tell us what to do .

Jen} And you aren’t either , so don’t try and undermine me .

]Phone rings }

Roy} Hello IT, have you tried turning it off and on again ?, is it plugged in ?, well maybe if you look down , you can see, it is very simple .

Roy} Jesus Christ, this thing is giving me a headache , I have to do this like 10 times a day, it’s like offering your grand parents advice on how to open up a computer software .

Jen} Hey Moss, there’s a spider in my office , can you do me a favor please ?.

Moss} Ok, I really, really, really really really don’t like spiders, can’t anybody else do it ?.

Roy} I am not doing it .

Jen} Oh come on Moss, I can’t have thing lingering around in my office , what if I fall asleep and it crawls in my mouth ?.

Moss} Oh that would be hilarious .

Jen} Come on Moss, you promised me that you’d never let me down , you still have time make that happen .

Moss} When did I say that ?.

Jen} Come on .

Moss} Ahh, don’t do this to me Jen .

Moss} Oh look, it’s gone now , can I go now ?.

Jen} Come on Moss, man up , for god sake .

Moss} Ok I’ll man up, I am a man , Just don’t leave me in here , goodbye Jen .

Jen} Moss, did you catch the spider yet ?.

Moss} No, the spider has made it’s way up the window and it is now staring at me .

Jen} Do you actually always take this long to get rid of a spider ?.

Moss} It’s not like I actually remember the last time I got rid of one .

Jen} Great. [ says it in a sarcastic way }

Roy} Hey guys, I just need to deal with somebody on the 7 floor , be right back .

 

Meanwhile , Roy is on the 7th floor, helping somebody with their computer .

Roy} Hi, I am Roy, I just work downstairs, what seems to be wrong with your computer ?.

Woman} Well I think it keeps flashing and turning off .

Roy} Right, I have had this many times too, it is a common problem , I’ll see what I can do .

Woman} Ok, thank you .

Roy} I see what the problem is , you haven’t got a hard drive .

Woman} Right , so you need a hard drive ?.

Roy} Yes, you need a hard drive , otherwise it won’t work .

Woman} Right ok .

Roy} Bloody hell, I hate this job .

 

Meanwhile in the basement with Moss and Jen .

Jen} It has been 5 hours now, have you caught it yet ?.

Moss} Yeah almost, it is now on me , it’s giving me the death stare , I think I just shit myself .

Jen} Where the hell is Roy ?, he’s been out for ages .

Moss} Well, he said he was helping somebody on the 7th floor .

Jen} I mean, who takes that long helping somebody with their computer ?.

Moss} Probably him .

Jen} What exactly is he doing , having a party or something ?.

Moss} I think he might be having a love affair .

Jen} What ?, with a woman ?.

Moss} No, I think that it’s with a hard drive .

Jen} And, you think that’s normal .

Moss} Yeah, he’s done it a couple times, I’m pretty much used to it .

Roy} Hey, I’m back .

Jen} Where were you ?.

Roy} I was helping a lady with her computer, the person didn’t put a hard drive in , how do these people even get jobs if they don’t even know what a hard drive is, how can she not know what a hard drive is, everybody knows what a hard drive is, it’s unbelievable , honestly .

Jen} Guys can I just tell you something ?.

Moss} Yes .

Roy} Yeah, what is it ?.

Jen} I just got awarded ” employee of the month ” .

Moss} Wow, now that is brilliant .

Roy} Yeah, I guess that’s good .

Jen} Do you guys actually care ?, you don’t seem to be bothered .

Moss} What ?, do you want us to do cartwheels or something ?.

Roy} Yeah, that’s a good idea actually, I’m gonna do it .

Moss} No, don’t do it , you’ll get a bad back again .

Jen} Moss, do you even know what ” The Employee Of The Month is ?.

Moss} Oh let me see, hmm, no .

Jen} It means that I have been working my hardest .

Moss} Does it mean that you have been making us good coffee ?.

Jen} No ,  you have no idea do you ?.

Moss} Oh, it was that time when I said that you were dead so I lied to you and said that you were made ” The Employee Of The Month ”, and now you are , it’s funny where life can take you .

Jen} What do you do if you are the Employee Of the Month anyway ?.

Roy} I don’t know, but  you don’t exactly sit on your ass all day reading a newspaper , I think you already know that .

Jen} Ha, enough of this BS , I’m going to get some coffee .

Moss} Wait, but I thought .

Roy} Don’t you make the coffee ?.

Jen} Well no not really , I like being in public places more , I get to stick out in  the crowd , get my name out there .

Roy} Yeah but you work in an IT department , you are not an actress .

Moss} That’s what she said .

A few minutes later .

Roy} Hey Moss, I think that there’s a problem with my computer .

Moss} Have you tried turning it off and on again ?,.

Roy} Please Moss, not now .

Moss} Do you have a hard drive ?.

Roy} Of course I have a hard drive , why wouldn’t I have a hard drive ?.

Moss} Your computer isn’t plugged in , Roy .

Roy} Oh , I see .

Jen} Hey guys .

Roy} Did you get your coffee then ?.

Jen} No, did you really think that I was gonna get some coffee ?, I literally have a nespresso machine right in that corner .

Moss} You never told us that you had one .

Jen} Well, it is nothing to really be proud of , Moss , I mean, I have had it for years , it’s all rusty .

Roy} So why didn’t you chuck it away and buy a new one ?.

Jen} What , do you think I’m a free loader or something ?, I can’t, I am Skint .

Moss} Roy, have you heard of this new game ?.

Roy} What game is it ?.

Moss} It’s this game where you put in all of your email addresses and it’ll announce you on the date of your death .

Roy} Really ?.

{ Moss clicks on the buttons and tabs on the website }

Moss} Here look, so you see this , I put in my name and birth details and in about 5 minutes it’ll announce the date on what your death falls on , isn’t it great ?.

Roy} Yes and no , I am very scared of death and I do not wanna know when I’ll die .

Moss } Oh come on Roy, it’ll be cool , it’s always good to know .

{ Moss reading the information on the website }

Moss} It says, the 13th , Oh that’s tomorrow innit  ?, Oh no .

Roy} I hate this bloody website .

Moss} Oh come on Roy, it’s just a made up website, someone probably just made it for a laugh , they don’t know themselves .

Roy} Yeah you are right, it’s just a stupid website , a silly website .

Moss} Hey Roy, look at this cat , isn’t it cute ?.

Roy still in disbelief } Hah, a cat , a cat, a cat , wow, what’s that ?.

Moss} Roy, are you ok ?., you look like you are having a delusion .

Roy} Yeah no, I am ok , you don’t believe in this death stuff don’t you ?.

Moss} No, of course not , do you ?.

Roy} Well, I don’t know what to believe , Oh, how worse can this day get ?.

Jen} Denholm is dead .

{ Roy and Moss drop their things and turn around in shock }

Roy} He’s dead ?, What ?.

Moss} It can’t be .

Jen} I’m afraid it is , we have to go to the funeral now, are you gonna come ?.

Moss} No, I hate funerals, the ceramony , the people , the smell of the flower bouquets , I hate it .

Jen} No, I think that you are getting mixed up, you are talking about weddings .

Moss} Oh yeah, I know what you mean , then I’ll come .

Meanwhile , at the church .

{ Moss looking at the wood on the tables and knocking on it }

Moss} Oh , I have always wandered if this is real wood , only one way to find out .

Jen} Moss, don’t touch that .

Roy} Jen can I tell you something ?.

Jen} Yeah sure .

Roy} By the time the clock strikes 5, I am gonna die .

Jen looking confused } What are you talking about ?, Moss, do you know what he’s talking about ?.

Moss} No .

Roy} Oh wow, a clock , hello clock .

Jen} Roy , are you ok ?.

Roy} No , I am not ok, I’m just taking a moment , gosh, I hate life so much .

Jen} Shhh, be quiet, we are at a church, there’s no time for this now .

Meanwhile, Roy, Moss and Jen are dealing with the mourning of Denholm’s death .

Moss} I’m very sorry for your loss .

Roy} What the hell am I supposed to do ?.

Jen} Just, say ” sorry for your loss and move on .

Roy} Hi, If it weren’t for Moss showing me that bloody website, we wouldn’t of got in this mess .

Person} Huh ?.

Roy} Goodbye, sorry for your loss ,Ghhhhh .

Meanwhile, Jen finds a cigerette in a man hole .

Moss} What the heck is that and where did you find it ?.

Jen} It is a cigerette , I found it down the thing over that .

Moss} Yeah but that is stealing , It’s probably dirty too .

Jen} Well I had to , I mean, I couldn’t just leave it there and completely ignore it , anyway, where’s Roy ?.

Moss} Oh yeah, he is completely lost his mind , he keeps running around , talking to all of the portraits on the walls .

Jen} Really, why is he doing that ?.

Moss} I have no idea, it is very worrying , not like his cheery self at all, I should probably go and check on him .

Moss} Are you ok Roy ?.

Roy} Moss, why did you show me that website ?.

Moss} Roy, it was only a joke , you are not gonna die .

Roy} Are you sure ?, because the last few minutes , I just had the clock staring at me .

Moss} Come on, let’s just go home .

End of script.