In The City, Mocumentary Script, There Is No Bad Student, Only Teacher

{First scene, Tucker is sitting down on a bench}

Tucker} Do you know what, I watched this really weird documentary last night, and it was about a person who kept coming across a monkey in a park, and he kept thinking that it was talking French to her, but every time she talked to it, it just stared at him ,  thinking like ” What the hell do you think you are doing ?” and the man kept on telling everybody about it, and they all thought that he’s gone potty, but then, he came across it again, and then he started talking to it, and in the end, the monkey wasn’t talking to him, and the monkey turned out to be a dustbin, and there was no monkey in the end, and he ended up getting sentenced for 5 years in a mental asylum, but what was weird, is that every time there was a break in between the documentary, there was a monkey throwing shit at the camera, I actually couldn’t sleep after watching that, because I keep thinking about how, the monkey kept showing up in his mind, it’s almost like he’s borderline phycopathic, but what an amazing documentary, it was literally life changing .

{Next scene, everybody is in Jason’s office}

Jason} Ok guys, I hope you know the reason why you’re all here today .

Delsin} No, I don’t, and I don’t want to know .

Jason} Right, why not ?.

Delsin} Because you’re gonna keep talking shit, I honestly can’t prevent you from talking rubbish, I have to sit here and wish that somebody would take my life by force, you don’t talk anything but shit .

Jason} It is not rubbish, though, it’s interesting, and you need to know it .

Delsin} Know what ?.

Jason} Well, whatever I’m about to say .

Delsin} Oh for god sake, you could have said it 8 years ago.

Jason} Well, if you shut your mouth, and let me have my say, then this won’t look like some sort of restraining order .

Delsin} Wow honestly .

Tucker} What is it, Jason, you’re wasting 10 whole hours of your only life just wasting air, get it out, spit it out .

Delsin} Do you know what, can I just ask you a question, real quick ?’.

Jason} Yes of course, what is it, Lawrence ?.

Delsin} Why you so stupid ?. { He says in a weird voice}

Jason} Heh ?.

Delsin} Why you so stupid ?, I wanna know .

{ Then Tucker tries to stop Delsin from being stupid but makes him look stupid himself}

Tucker} Delsin , stop asking him that stupid question .

Leroy} Just stop saying stupid .

Delsin} No, I need to know, because this man is the clown, actually, he’s not a clown, he’s the whole circus, he’s the whole entire circus, he’s the jester and that stupid thing that rolls around on a tricycle, that’s who his is .

Jason} I’m not stupid, and I’m not the circus, end of .

Delsin} But that’s who you are, you are a full on circus, see, the thing is, is that you work in the circus, and when the moon goes up, you are the circus, that’s how the human stupidity phycology works .

Jason} Look, can you just shut the hell up, just shuutup, can I just bloody talk ?.

Tucker} Just carry on talking, this maniac is gonna blow up, and turn into the hulk, and then he’s gonna turn into the jester, and then he’s  go for the full shebang .

Jason} Thank you, Tucker, ok so, there’s only one word, school, ok, that’s right, school, now you may not know what the hell I’m talking about .

Delsin} You are not wrong, I can relate to that, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about .

Jason} Ok, so let me say it again, school, school, school, I even like saying the word, school .

Delsin} Hah, I could tell .

Jason} Please, wait for me to finish the sentence first, ok so, the teacher in the school round the corner, yeah, he is absent today, so I would like somebody to cover for him .

Tucker} Wait, wait, wait, so you’re saying that you’re looking for somebody to cover for him, why are you telling us this ?, what do we have to do with this ?.

Jason} Well, I’m looking for somebody who can teach the class, and I’m looking to see if there’s somebody here, that would like to take the job .

Delsin} Heh ?.

Jason} Would there be anyone here, who would want to teach the class, hm, anybody in paticuliar ?. { Then he looks at Lawrence}

Delsin} Huh, why are you looking at me ?, I’m not teaching a class for a maniac, do I look like a teacher to you ?.

Jason} Well, you’ll be doing him a favor, there a bunch of kids who need their education .

Delsin} Hah, who needs an education ?, the only thing what teachers do, is turn the kids into younger versions of themselves .

Jason} That’s not true, most kids benefit from it, it only happens with some children, it depends on the teacher .

Delsin} Yeah, it depends if the teacher is a complete chippy oik, and most of them are, don’t get me wrong .

Jason} Well, that’s why I’m telling you, would you want to take the job of teaching a class for a day ?.

Delsin} What, me ?, you must be taking the piss, I won’t be able to spend 5 hours in a classroom with 20 little idiots .

Jason} Why not ?.

Delsin} Because, I’m not teacher material, I don’t hang around with kids, teaching them complete bullshit from a bloody chalk board, asking what their opinions are, on bloody rabbits and big chungus, if I was found, talking to kids whilst hitting the tv screen, I’d be sent to a bloody mental asylum, no I’m not doing it .

Jason} What the hell are you talking about ?.

Delsin} I’m talking sense, and you’re talking shit, right ?’.

Jason} No .

{Jason’s read}

” Today, I’m getting Lawrence to teach a class for one day, because the teacher is off work, and usually, it’s my job to make him do stuff, but this time, it’s the other way round, this time, he’s making me do stuff, bloody parasite .

Delsin} Look, all I’m saying, yeah, is that, I’m not gonna teach a class for a stupid teacher, what do you even want me to do ?.

Jason} Nothing, I just want you to teach a class, because the teacher is absent .

Delsin} Oh ok, so if the teacher is absent, then the whole class can stay at home, not going to school when your teacher is off, who’s rules are these ?.

Jason} Well, unfortunatly, it’s the school system .

Delsin} Well, the school system is shit, yes it is, stupid shit, uh huh, stupid shit . { Then he starts clapping}

Jason} Bloody hell .

{ Delsin’s read}

” No, I’m sorry but, I’m not teaching kids in a school, if this is Jason’s idea, I’m gonna tie a Dr Martin boot on the ceiling of his house, I’m sorry but, he deserves it, especially because, he’s making me teach this flipping class ” .

Delsin} Not doing it . { he says, as he stands up on his chair}

Jason} Delsin , get down from there, get down, get down, you maniac .

Delsin} Don’t tell me what to do, I don’t need any, any input from you, you’re a chippy oik, and I’ve had a belly full of you .

Leroy} Jesus Christ, what is this ?.

Tucker} No idea .

Delsin} You’re not gonna make me teach the kids, ok, you’re not .

Jason} Yes I can, I bloody can, I’m making you do it, right now, so suck it .

{Leroy’s read}

” I don’t really know on what’s going on, all I hear is, ghhgghjjnn, nonsense, doesn’t make sense, well, you know what they say, if you feed somebody shit, they turn into shit, that’s exactly what’s going on with Jason and Lawrence, don’t ask me what they’re on about, I’m lost ”

Leroy} Look ok, just go and teach the class, it’s only there for one day .

Delsin} Look, Leroy, I’m clever, I’m clever because I don’t have to waste a day doing this .

Jason} Do you even know on what you are gonna be doing today before jumping to conclusion ?.

Delsin} Yes I do know, I’m going to be teaching the kids on how to speak dog .

Jason} No you’re not, talk dog ?, you must be ill .

Delsin} No, cause that’s what you want me to teach them, you say that it’s the school system, so there you go .

Jason} No not like that, I said that that’s how it is, you’re not going to step foot into a classroom, teaching kids how to speak dog, you need a session with a therapist, you’ve gone totally mad .

Delsin} No, I’m not teaching anybody .

Jason} Why not though ?.

Delsin} Because, if I turn up, in a cowboy costume, with a whip, I’m gonna be a clown, so I’m not going to do it .

Jason} Who said that you were gonna turn up in a cowboy costume ?.

Delsin} You did, you told me that, when your mouth tried to leave you, and in that paticuliar time, you have been talking shit non stop, and it’s still away, god only knows where it’s gone, but don’t ask me, I’m not a flipping scientist, and don’t ask those maniacs over there, either . { He points at Leroy and Tucker}” You’re just asking for trouble .

Jason} You know what, just get up and get out of here, there’s no time left, you talk shit, or you waste your time, standing on a chair whilst being a maniac .

Delsin} I’m not doing it, drop the idea, how old are the kids ?.

Jason} About 7 and 8 year olds, I assume, I had a chat with a teacher, and that’s what she said .

Delsin} Oh for god sake, I ain’t teaching a herd of 7 and 8 year olds, not happening .

Jason} I’ll pay you 50 quid .

Delsin} Alright, what school is it ?.

Jason} Grasmere, it’s just round the corner, I’ll talk to you later .

Delsin} Ok, goodbye .

{ Delsin’s read}

” I don’t even know why I’m doing this, something good better come out of this, otherwise it’s gonna come out of Jason’s wages, and also, it’s gonna be me who’s gonna teach Jason on how not to be a stupid man ” .

{Few minutes later, Delsin is in the school, and he’s in the hallway}

” Oh bloody hell, is this it, wow, it feels like the roof is gonna fly off and the walls are gonna carry us like magic carpets, they chose the right day, didn’t they ? omg, you have to wish me luck, otherwise I’m going to go mad and it’s going to terrify the students ”

{Then one of the teachers walks up to him, behind him and starts talking to Tarquin}

Teacher} Excuse me, are you MR Lawrence Wittard ?.

Delsin} Yes, that’s me, is everything alright ?.

Teacher} Yeah, the students are ready for you, so when you’re ready, you can just make your way to the classroom, good luck sir .

Delsin} Alright cheers mate, wish me luck . { Then he took a deep breath and made his way the classroom} { When he turned up at the door, he ran in and fell against the door and got jammed between in it, as he stared at the kids in the room} Then he started shouting in the corridors}

Delsin} Bloody mentalist, you stupid, damn you, damn you, you clown . All of the kids were confused .

Delsin} What did you say, what did you say, damn you !! . { Then he turns around and sees the children} ” Oh, looks like I made it, oh bloody hell, I can’t believe I’m doing this, honestly, I just wanna punch Jason in the face, I’m just gonna go up like that, boom, he’s on the floor, all dizzy . { As he imitated a punch}

Kid} Excuse me, who are you ?.

Delsin} I’m gonna tell you who I am, it’s none of your business, ok, I came here to teach you to not be like my councillor, he made me do this today, and I’m not gonna forgive him for that, because it’s crap !!! . { Lawrence shouted} All of the kids are terrified, except for one kid, who’s laughing his head off in the back.

Kid} Where’s our teacher ?.

Delsin} Heh ?.

Kid} I said, where’s our teacher ?.

Delsin} Oh um, I’m afraid that he’s not in today, he’s just being a lazy git .

Kid} What’s your name ?.

Delsin} My name is Ronnie Pickering .

Kid} Liar .

Delsin} No, that’s my real name, you’re welcome .

Kid} Ok, Ronnie Pickering , what are we gonna be learning today ?. { The kid said, whilst trying not to laugh}

Delsin} Well first, I’m going to teach you how to speak horse, ok, so I’ll show you how to do it, and you repeat after me, ready everybody ?.

The kids} Yessssssss .

Delsin} Ok, vhvghhbjbjbhfddffvhbjnjjn, yeah, now you try .

The kid} That’s not what a horse says .

Delsin} No, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shut up .

{A few minutes later, Delsin is teaching the kids geography}

Delsin} Ok so, now, we’re gonna be learning geography, now, firstly, I’m gonna be teaching you about different countries, I’ll take questions later, understood ?.

The kids} Yeahhhhh .

Delsin} Right good, ok so, first, we have Japan, now, let me tell you something really interesting, so in Japan, they speak French .

One of the other kids} No they don’t, they speak Japanese, you silly Billy .

Delsin} Do you wanna stand outside ?.

{Then the kid just looks at him} Few minutes later, Delsin is teaching the kids about history}

Delsin} Right, sorry about that, it’ll never happen again, I put him outside, he can come back in when he’s ready, ok so .

Kid} Sorry sir, can I go to the toilet please ?.

Delsin} Nooooo . { He sat on the desk and then he put his hand on the kid}

Delsin} This is absolutely ludicrous, guys, be quiet, you guys are like parrots, you know that, yaba yaba yaba, shut up . When you guys are all quiet, we’re gonna be learning some history, so, thank you for shutting up, ok so, now we’re gonna be learning history, so I’m gonna tell you a really interesting fact, so William Shakespeare invented the toilet .

Kids} Yeahhhh .

Kid} What game are we gonna play ?.

Delsin} You’ll see .

{A few minutes later, Delsin is standing there with a lightsabre}

Delsin} Right, I know what all of you are thinking, and no, I’m not Darth Vader, I am a man, I hope you guys understand, sorry if you guys are disappointed, deal with it .

Kid} What are we gonna be doing with the lightsabre ?.

Delsin} Hah, good question, so we’re gonna be playing this really fun game, and it includes, one of my volunteers throwing it out of the window and seeing on how far it goes, any more questions, you ?. { he points at someone}

Kid} Um, why do we have to throw a lightsabre, when we can throw a ball instead .

Delsin} Interesting question, so A, that is a stupid question, and B, why waste your time, searching for a tennis ball, when you have a stick in your Nan’s garden shed, well only if there’s no cat or dog in there, otherwise, it’s gonna piss all over all of your belongings in the shed, and it’ll wreak, so, long story short, don’t put anything in your garden shed .

Kid} Ok then .

Other kid} What does weeing in the shed, have to do with tennis balls ?, have you lost your mind ?.

Delsin} No I haven’t, when you get older, everything will make sense to you, even if your brain memory gets wiped, anyway, let’s get going, I’ll show you on how to play this game, anybody who tells me what to do, will get sued, understood ?.

Kids} Yeahh . { They all said, as they nodded their heads}

{  Delsin’s read}

” Please help me, please just help me, get me out of here, just get me out ”

{ A few minutes later, Delsin has thrown the lightsabre and it smashed one of the windows in the building}

{Then the headmaster pulled Tarquin up and started shouting at him}

The headmaster} Mr Rowe  , do you have any idea on what damage you have caused ?.

Delsin} Of course I do, it was a mistake, it won’t happen again, I assure you .

The headmaster} What the hell happened, would you mind telling me ?.

Delsin} Of course not, so the lightsabre flew 5 miles per hour into the window .

The headmaster} I bloody know that, I’m not asking you that, it’s a disgrace, what were you thinking ?.

Delsin} it wasn’t my fault, ok, I wanted to see how far it would go .

The headmaster} Well, you clearly need to get your brain examined, you are mad, a mad man, I need to go now, good luck with the class and, oh and one more thing, don’t throw another lightsabre into that window, otherwise, money money money money .  { And the headmaster walked off}

Delsin} Ok, bye sir, I don’t know what the hell that was, um, yeah, I’m just speechless .

{A few minutes later, Delsin is back in the classroom, and Delsin is holding a guitar, and the kids are making a lot of noise}

Delsin} Guys, can I have your attention, please, look this way, look at me, look at me, look into my eyes .

{The kids were still making noise}

Delsin} Shuuuuuudddddduppp .

{Then there was a silence}

Delsin} That’s more like it, ok so, now, we are gonna be doing some music, so, as you could see, I have an instrument in my hand, and do any of you know what it is, Tom, what do you think ?.

The kid} Um, is it a guitar ?.

Delsin} Yes, yes it is, that’s right, well done, it is a guitar, and it’s very cool because you can hit it against the wall and watch it disintergrate in your hands, but it’s also for music sake, and I’ll show you something very cool, I’m gonna show you how to play the guitar, the first lesson made me jump up and down, and made me re anact the morphs code, and the second time, I got up, bit my fingers and did a dance, and then I smashed the guitar against the wall, now, I’ll show you on how to play it, so, 1 2 3, I am the music man, get off the table, kid, if you wanna live to see tomorrow. { Lawrence plays the guitar}

Kid} What is that ?.

Delsin} don’t ask .

{ Delsin’s read}

” I am owning it, I feel like a winner, the kids are probably like, ” Help us ” but I don’t care, I feel good, so let me carry on, please, thank you, goodbye ”

{A few minutes later, Delsin is in a room, doing some random things, and the teacher enters the room}

Teacher} Excuse me, Mr Rowe , are you there ?.

Delsin} You talking to me ?. { As he gets up}

Teacher} Yes, what are you doing ?.

Delsin} Oh nothing really, I’m hunting for ghosts, you really need to re paint the walls, you’re getting mold, by the way, just starting to really pick up, that omphh, you know ?.

Teacher} Can I just talk to you for a minute ?.

Delsin} Sure .

{Then they started talking}

Teacher} sir, how were the kids, did they behave ?.

Delsin} Um, they were ok, I guess .

Teacher} Oh really, cause I heard that you tried to attack one of the kids with a lightsabre, is that true, Mr Pickering .

Delsin} No that wasn’t me, I never had a lightsabre, but you might be getting slightly mixed up with another teacher.

Teacher} Oh really, so why is there a lightsabre in the classroom ?.

Delsin} I don’t really know, what sort of suit is that ?.

Teacher} I don’t know .

Delsin} So, I’m fired now ?.

Teacher} Yes, bye bye . { He waved}

Delsin} Oh bloody hell .

{ Delsin’s read}

” I’m so pissed, you know that, who the hell does he think he is, honestly, he thinks that he’s the top bloke, he could piss off, I actually enjoyed my experience of being a teacher, what does he have against me, I’m telling you, when it comes to having me as a teacher, they all piss themselves, but when they get somebody who looks like a 65 year old Ted Bundy, they don’t give a shit, it’s a game, bloody idiots ”

{A few minutes later, Delsin returned back to Jason’s office}

Jason} Oh you’re back, how was it ?.

Delsin} How was what ?.

Jason} The day of teaching at the school, tell me all about it .

Delsin} Oh yeah, it was fantastic, I made friends with all of the students, I had meetings with all of the teachers, we have a lot in common, it was great .

Jason} Oh really, are you on something ?.

Delsin} Yes, yes I am .

Jason} Oh ok, so you didn’t enjoy it ?.

Delsin} Exactly, it was shit .

{ Delsin’s read}

” It was shit, don’t judge me, I hate everyone and everything ”

{Jason’s read}

” Well that went well, I’m surprised, at least he gave it a try, that’s all what matters ”

{ Delsin’s read}

” If Jason makes me do this again, I’m gonna punch him so hard that he can see through his mouth, he deserved it, don’t get me wrong, I realized that teaching isn’t my thing, and I’ll carry on doing my own thing, which is ghost hunting and break dancing ”

{Tucker’s read}

” I don’t even know why Delsin agreed to it, all Jason is doing, is smashing him left right and center, and the fact that Delsin agreed to it, just made everything 10 times worse ”

{ Next scene, Delsin is shouting at Jason in the office}

Delsin} If you’re gonna make me do it again, then damn you, I’m not teacher material, damn you .

Jason} Look Delsin, it was a good experience, look at it as that, alright ?.

Delsin} Yeah, a very good experience, I still have the image stuck in my head, and I can’t get it out, the only thing I could do is put a helmet on wack me self on the head, it’s the only way to go, thanks to you, clown .

Jason} It wasn’t that bad, the kids were well behaved .

Delsin} Yeah, and how do you know that, do you have a jet, hovering over the building, night and day, you’re like bloody, you know what you’re like ?, you are like the Koopa trooper from Mario, since you’re always holding a camera, why not bend down and stick one up your ass, that way you can see everything clearly .

Jason} Delsin, I really think that you should go outside and calm down, come back in when you are sensible .

Delsin} Alright, well I’m not the one who has a camera up his ass, so . { then he gets up and opens the door}

Jason} I just don’t understand .

Delsin} Yeah, you never do, do you ?.

Jason} I think that teaching went well for you .

Delsin} Hah, a devil doesn’t come in a cloak and pointy horns, he wears knitwear and drives a Honda . { as he points at Jason, then we walks out of the office}

{Jason just grins at the camera}

End of mocumentary script .