The Hackney Diaries Script, The Hole In The Wall

Hayley} Hey Joe .

Joe} Hi .

Hayley} What are you up to ?.

Joe} Oh nothing really, you ?.

Hayley} Yeah, nothing .

{Joe pulls a a very furious face }

Hayley} What’s up ?.

Joe} What is this{ Points at the hole in the wall }

Hayley} What is what ?.

Joe} This .

Hayley} It’s definetly a hole .

Joe} Of course it’s a bloody hole, why is it there ?.

Hayley} What do you mean ” Why is it there ?” . Holes are everywhere , holes end up on walls all of the time .

Joe} Right, so you are gonna say that it appeared by itself .

Hayley} Yeah, it is not like somebody came and karate kicked the wall to hell and back .

Joe} Well, somebody did it, it didn’t happen by touch wood .

Hayley} Look, if you are saying that , I did it,  if you did, you are bang out of order .

Joe} Well, that sounds correct , I wouldn’t do something like that , and I don’t know who came and did it, well I guess, I have to investigate .

Hayley} Alright Sherlock, you can’t obsess over something like this .

Joe} Who says I can’t ?.

Hayley} Look, let’s just get this straight , do you know anybody who might of done this, did anybody come over ?.

Joe} I don’t know anybody other than you, and I don’t like sharing my house with anybody except for you, and I’d rather keep it as that , so no .

Hayley} Woah, I only asked for one answer, you did a whole paragraph .

Joe} I didn’t say yes and no .

Hayley} Anyway, how big is the hole ?.

Joe} If you want to know, you can zoom in a bit closer , I don’t mind at all .

Hayley} It looks like somebody kicked this wall , it looks quite badly damaged .

Joe} I told you that if you want to know on how to cover damages and cracks , you can work in Screw Fix , I’ll get you a job application , it’s pretty cheap and simple to sign up .

Hayley} I’m not working in Screw Fix , do you have any other neighbors ?.

Joe} What, on the right hand side ?, that’s impossible .

Hayley} You have been living here for months , and you still don’t know if you have neighbors .

Joe} Ok. there’s Daisy and the rest of the group , but they have nothing to do with it .

Hayley} They are always involved in a rampage , they are not right in the head .

Joe} { Silence }

Hayley} What if this is all just a lie , and that you did it  ?.

Joe} Oh, don’t try and shove it all up my ass , I have nothing going on, nothing at all .

Hayley} Joe, tell me the truth, is it you, who did this ?.

Joe} No, why would I damage furniture in my own house ?.

Hayley} So , why do I hear banging coming from next door ?.

Joe} Ok. it is me, I did it .

Hayley} What the heck Joe, why did you try to push it all on me ?.

Joe} Because , you do stuff like this, it’s an uncovered truth .

Hayley} That is a lie, I am bathing in lies , Joe .

Joe} That isn’t a lie, it’s the truth .

Hayley} What exactly is doing all of wall damaging then ?.

Joe} I have a dojo in my cellar, ok, that’s all there is to it .

Hayley} A dojo , right , what dojo ?.

Joe} It’s a place where I do exercise .

Hayley} Yeah, a place to kick walls and make the house fall down .

Joe} Not exactly .

Hayley} Yes it is exactly , it is a place where you study in the word of disgrace , I should of known , it’s very clear in my head now, thanks a lot .

Joe} No, this is getting stupid now .

Hayley} You have kept a secret from me .

Joe} It is not much of a secret, you could recognize the sounds from what it is .

Hayley} How can I recognize a sound , and get it straight away , is this how it is in your world ?.

Joe} I know that walls are not meant for kicking and treating like a play ground .

Hayley} Why do you have a dojo in your basement ?.

Joe} Cause, I am not like you, I don’t kick the furniture around, every time I randomly get fustrated .

Hayley} I don’t kick furniture around .

Joe} Yes you do, my eyes are a CCTV camera , I capture footage  all the time, there’s evidence .

Hayley} Jesus, does your mind ever go blank ?.

Joe} No it doesn’t, my mind lives on .

Hayley} What, is that what your grave stone is going to say ?.

Joe} What does that mean ?.

Hayley} You crossed the line, my friend .

Joe} What are you talking about ?.

Hayley} I will murder you in your sleep .

Joe} Have you been bitten by a vampire ?.

Hayley} No .

Joe} I don’t know if you are being serious or just joking with me .

Hayley} I’m just messing with you .

Joe} Oh, thank god for that , I almost jumped out of my skin .

Hayley} What, did you actually think that I was gonna murder you ?.

Joe} Yes .

Hayley} That is mental .

Joe} Yeah, promise that you’ll never do it again .

Hayley} I can’t make that promise .

 

{A few minutes later }

 

Hayley} Oh for goodness sake, Joe .

Joe} What is it ?.

Hayley} Can you please explain the premise of this { Points at the wall }

Joe} Oh that .

Hayley} What the hell happened here ?.

Joe} It’s a hole .

Hayley} I need you to clean this up  right now, otherwise you’ll end up in the coffin for real .

Joe}{ Zooms into Joe’s face }

End of script .