New Script Series, A Bunch Of Mad And Demented Doctors From The Seventies Using Zoom

Contains strong language and adult humour, out dated attitudes of the time}

Doctor Tar Quinn Winnie, Doctor Todd, Doctor Mathews, Doctor Thompson, Doctor Cyrano and Doctor Pharaoh each have their first ever online zoom meeting as they discuss the ever changing world of  modern medicine and medical research and continue to drive each other mad and make their professor’s life a living hell. Zoom, which neither of them have any experience in whatsoever, other than chasing all the nurses, performing surgeries and other medical procedures, getting rid of hernias, examining patients and causing havoc in the hospital and embarrassing themselves. Also, this is the internet so anything could happen. Enjoy

First scene, Doctor Tar Quinn is trying to figure out the whole modern technology thing}

Doctor Tar Quinn: Ooh, oh bloody hell! I’m pressing the bloody buttons, I seem to be going round in circles, Cor blimey this thing is driving me loopy!

Doctor Thompson joins the chat and so does everyone else

Doctor Thompson: Oh hi Tar Quinn, hello everyone, it’s good to see you guys, really

Doctor Tar Quinn: You over the hump?

Doctor Thompson: No, me, I’m still bloody on it!

Doctor Tar Quinn: How about you John? got it to work yet?

Doctor Mathews: Yes, I’ve finally gotten this thing to work. I thought it was never going to work, this bloody thing, but it did, this is just brilliant!

Doctor Tar Quinn: Ooh, I’ve never done this sort of thing before

Doctor Thompson: Don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing

Doctor Mathews: Of course it’s a good thing. Experience! you need all the experience you can get these days, money is tight

Meanwhile, their professor, Professor Funk o, joins the meeting along with the Dean. The Dean seems to be having a bit of trouble with Zoom, serves him right considering he never had technology

 

Professor Funk o: Again, press the button! Oh see, you’ve only gone and hit the bloody restart button, you bungle! Go back!

The dean: I am pressing the button, this bloody thing is driving me mad!

Then he proceeds to start talking to the computer, like that’s going to solve anything

The dean: Hello, hello, can you work, please?

Professor Funk o: Oh my God! this man, honestly, talking a bloody computer, this one!{He face palms}

The dean: What, how else am I supposed to get this bloody bit of sham to work!

Finally works

The dean: Ah, see, this looks like familiar, see, I told you I’d get it working. Man of the moment

 

Professor Funk o: Yeah, do yourself a favour, when you’re not doing these hernia operations, go and take some computer lessons, you bloody weed!

Professor Funk o joins all his young doctors

 

Professor Funk o: Okay, are we all ready to start this meeting? let’s use this as an opportunity to  crack some sense into your thick skulls. I’m not here to teach you how to play the bloody banjo, I’m here to test you on your medical knowledge. If any of you decide to use this meeting as an opportunity to get up my nose, you’ll be kicked out of the meeting, do you understand?

Doctor Thompson: Oh bloody hell, I thought I knew what I was expecting when I woke up, this morning

 

Doctor Mathews: What, Professor Funk o?

Doctor Thompson: No, a great big fella who looks like a boiled egg wrapped in a hurdle of cement. Alright, are we all done with being bubbled headed idiots here? cos, you know? hospitals are filled with these so called nut jobs, not the doctors, I mean the patients. Just one more thing, you better get proper coffee pods. A few months ago, I ended up drinking the whole coffee machine and I’ve been bloody bed ridden for months. I think I need a new bleeding valve, let alone Mr bloody jones!

 

Doctor Mathews: God, you and that Mr Jones, what are you like?

 

Doctor Tar Quinn: Uh, sir?

 

Professor Funk o: Yes, Winnie, is something the matter?

 

Doctor Tar Quinn: Uh yeah, I’m afraid Frank is not here, sir

Professor Funk o: Frank? who the blazers is that?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Frank, You know Doctor Todd, sir, I don’t know where he is

Professor Funk o: What, you mean he’s not here in this meeting?

Doctor Thompson: Uh no, no shit he’s not here. What is he, a wizard?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Ah, he’s probably just chickened out or something, maybe something’s come up. You know how things are

Professor Funk o: Well, where the bloody hell is he? he’s one of my top students and he can’t even be bothered to turn up for this meeting

Doctor Mathews: Top student? that’s a bit of a stretch, I wouldn’t go that far if I were you, sir

Professor Funk o: What are you saying, man?

Doctor Mathews: Well, you know, he’s just a bit Boo!!!!

Doctor Tar Quinn: Boo what?

Doctor Thompson: Oh for Goodness sake, old chap! use proper words, you’re speaking bloody Chinese!

The dean: It’s Chinese!!

Professor Funk o: Will you shut up!!

Doctor Mathews: What I’ve been trying to say is, he’s just a bit mad, that’s all, a bit of a liability.

Professor Funk o: A liability?

Doctor Mathews: Well, yeah you know? I have my doubts. The fact that he didn’t even join this meeting sums it up. It’s a joke, I mean, when you’re doing a ward round, I’m not mucking about with some blonde tart, chasing a bit of skirt, getting a bit of crumpet, am I? I’m on duty

Doctor Thompson: Yes you bloody do, you liar!

Doctor Mathews: Yes I do, in fact but not during an operation, you womack!

Doctor Thompson: Oh cobblers! what about that tart you saw the other day then?

Doctor Mathews: What, who, Victoria?

Doctor Thompson: Yes, of course I mean Victoria, bloody, who else would I be referring to, bloody Medusa?

Doctor Mathews: Oh yeah, Vicky, oh I loved that girl, you know? boy, she was something else she was. Yeah, she carried a spare shoe in her hand bag though, that’s the only thing what concerned me

Professor Funk o: Would you just bloody get on with it! this is a meeting on behalf of all the medical staff at St Harry’s hospital, just  stop! I’m not having you qualified doctors rabbiting on with each other like this! we’ve got a lot to go over, so if you want to continue, I’d be more than happy to sit quietly and wait. I haven’t got all day, you know!

Doctor Tar Quinn: What have you got for us today, Uncle F?

Professor Funk o: Call me that again and I’ll knock your block off!

Doctor Tar Quinn: Alright sorry sir, what have you got for us?

Professor Funk o: Well, I’ve got some news for you

Doctor Thompson: Ooh, am I going to be assistant surgeon, sir?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Ah, bloody hell

Professor Funk o: No you’re not, Thompson, unless you want to

Doctor Thompson: Oh, I would love to, sir, it’s been my dream

Professor Funk o: You’re not qualified though

Doctor Thompson: I can learn, how hard can it be?

Doctor Cyrano: Look mate, you can’t even cut an orange in half, how are you going to cut someone up, you silly man?

Doctor Thompson: Ooh, I’m bloody sick and tired of being a radiologist, always looking at bloody X ray charts. I’ve had enough of this you know? I’m fucking telling you!

Doctor Pharaoh: You think that’s bad, I have to actually talk to the patients!

Doctor Cyrano: Why is that even a bad thing? I talk to them, it’s a part of being a doctor, I mean, how else are you supposed to find out what’s wrong with them if you can’t even speak to them?

Doctor Pharaoh: Well no, but actually talk to them. The amount of… look man, I haven’t been getting enough sleep these past few days, do you honestly think I’m getting that from my late night work shifts! bloody!

Professor Funk o: If you’re tired, that means you go to bed late then

Doctor Pharaoh: Oh bloody hell!! see this is what really does me in! sleep! I go to bed early, wake up, get a lovely breakfast down my gullet, then I go to work and then I see bloody woman who looks like horror!

Doctor Mathews: Yeah, Casualty’s the same, no one knows what the bloody hell is going on there. Then I go home and I wonder why I’ve got grey hairs.

Doctor Thompson: Normal healthy work regime

Professor Funk o: Yeah, you need to get that sorted out.

Doctor Mathews: Yes sir.

Professor Funk o:  Right, Doctor Thompson, What’s the relationship,  like between you and your patients, Doctor Thompson?

Doctor Thompson: I would say it’s pretty average, nothing mad, nothing insane like. I do daily check ups on my patients and I’m not consulting bloody banana man so I’m alright. {Suddenly goes all high pitched} ” Yeah, yeah, it’s bloody lovely”

Professor Funk o: Ooh, are you alright, Thompson, you look a bit stressed?

Doctor Thompson: Yeah I’m alright sir, it’s just, I just realised there’s a train strike tomorrow

Professor Funk o: What are you getting the train for? where to?

Doctor Thompson: Shepherds bush

Doctor Mathews: Where the hell is that? what are you going to do in Shepherds bush?

Doctor Thompson: That’s where this hospital is, isn’t it? it’s down in Shepherds bush

Doctor Tar Quinn: Oh yes of course

Doctor Pharaoh: Wait a minute, I always thought the hospital was located somewhere around Bristol or something

Professor Funk o: Well, you’ve been working here for five years now, you should know well enough by now that it’s in bloody Shepherds bush!

Doctor Cyrano: Ooh, alright sir, don’t over exert yourself, you’ll get a heart attack like that you know?

Professor Funk o: What, do you mean, me, get a heart attack! I should be the one who’s giving you a bloody heart attack! Look at how you’ve been treating me these past bloody weeks.

Doctor Tar Quinn: If I get you as one of my patients in my ward, I’m going to go spare!

A few minutes later, Doctor Thompson’s light suddenly goes out

Doctor Mathews: Oh bloody hell, what’s just happened?

Doctor Tar Quinn: I think his light’s just gone out

Doctor Mathews: Oh well, that’s just brilliant, that is! terrific! We get to see Funk o as a bloody Dracula!

Doctor Thompson: I used to be terrified of the dark. I used to be scared because I couldn’t see where I was going. I thought I’d bump into something really bloody awful.

Doctor Mathews: I think you’ve just stumbled upon it, matey.

Doctor Tar Quinn: I get even more terrified when I can see where I’m going. That’s been a problem since birth, not knowing who the father is, you know?.

Doctor Pharaoh: Here, do you know what’s going on here? cos I’ve got no clue. I’m bloody confused

Doctor Mathews: No, we’re just as clueless as you are

Doctor Tar Quinn: I still don’t know why I even became a doctor in the first place

Doctor Pharaoh: What, you mean you didn’t know?

Doctor Tar Quinn: No. A lot of them say they wanted to be doctors early on when they were kids. You know, the doctors kit, playing doctors and nurses. Me? I don’t know where it bloody came from

Doctor Pharaoh: What did you want to be then?

Doctor Tar Quinn: A writer

Doctor Pharaoh: A writer?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Yes, that’s right

Doctor Pharaoh: So, why didn’t you become a writer then? why are specialising in modern medicine if you weren’t even interested?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Nah, because I couldn’t even hold a pen. I tried but it was shit, my fingers got jammed and then I had a nervous breakdown

A medical student just casually listening to this conversation and starts cracking up with laughter very quietly

Doctor Pharaoh: Ah, that makes sense

Doctor Tar Quinn: Yeah, so then I decided to pack it in and take care of people instead. Ah, anyway, there’s one too many writers in this world. Make way for the bloody junior doctor!

Doctor Pharaoh: That’s mad, you know

Doctor Mathews: Wait, but hang on a minute. If you could not hold a pen for your writing, then when you’re consulting your patients, how do you get it down on paper?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Uh no, I’ve actually got photo graphic memory. I can remember every little thing

Doctor Mathews: Cobblers!

A few minutes later

Doctor Thompson: How do you get the birds, John? I’ve been wondering for so long. Cos you know? you’re the Casa Nova, the Romeo of Romeo and Juliet

Doctor Pharaoh: Oh dear lord{Face palms}

Doctor Mathews: Well you know, it’s just experience, it’s the charm, it’s the humour, the sparkle in your eyes. Your eyes have got to sparkle

Doctor Thompson: My eyes sparkle!

Doctor Mathews: No, you just look tired

Doctor Thompson makes a sad face

Doctor Mathews: I think you’ve got a wee eye infection, mate, it doesn’t look normal to me. It’s alright man, it gets better with time, trust me

Doctor Tar Quinn: Okay where the bloody hell is Professor Funk o? actually, you know what? forget Funk o, where is the dean?

Doctor Pharaoh: I don’t know, man, my mind has just gone the other way, to be fair.

Doctor Mathews: Have you lot realised that he looks a bit worn, he looks like he’s going to die

Doctor Thompson: When you get to his age, you’ll understand

Doctor Tar Quinn: Christ! I need a cup of tea, I’ve been having a long day today talking to you gits!

{He gets up to make himself a cup of tea}

A few minutes later, Professor Funk o has suddenly joined the chat again and he doesn’t look too happy

Doctor Thompson gets scared

Doctor Thompson: Ah! bloody hell, I think I’ve just wet me trousers!

Professor Funk o: What the bloody hell do you think you’re playing at! my doctors misbehaving like this, dismissing patients when they need help!

Doctor Thompson: What, I didn’t know we even had patients at this moment

Doctor Mathews: If there were, then it would probably be nothing more than a middle aged woman with a headache who doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Either that or some great big nit’ s got some cooking pot stuck on his bonce, so we’re good.

Professor Funk o: Thompson! Thompson!

Doctor Thompson: Oh God! he’s talking to me, he’s talking to me!

Professor Funk o: Thompson, do you remember Miss Peterson?

Doctor Thompson: Miss Peterson? who the bloody hell is that?

Professor Funk o: Your patient, she was one of your patients. Come on, man! last week you managed to diagnose a difficult case of Rig a mortis, now you don’t even know her bloody name!

Doctor Thompson: Well, she slapped me, that’s probably the reason why

Doctor Mathews: Bloody hell, Mick! I always thought you were the most gentle doctor here, what are you bloody doing?

Doctor Thompson: She slapped me, I didn’t slap her

Doctor Pharaoh: Well, what were you bloody doing then? putting your hands down her knickers? you fut!

Doctor Thompson suddenly flips and gets hold of a syringe

Doctor Thompson: You can’t kill me, I’m invincible! Ha ha ha, I can turn you into a frog! Fucking Wizard man!

Professor Funk o: Thompson!!!

Doctor Thompson leaves the chat, abruptly as well as Professor Funk o

Doctor Tar Quinn: Oh God blimey, ha ha ha

They all start quietly laughing unable to take in the shock of what’s just happened

Doctor Pharaoh: Oh dear, is there a doctor in the house?

Doctor Mathews: That’s the worst case of Rig a mortis I’ve ever seen

Doctor Pharaoh: I don’t think that was Rig. And to think I knew everything there was to know about medicine, I think take another two years

{Doctor Frank Todd suddenly joins the meeting after being absent for a while}

Doctor Todd: Hey guys, good meeting?

They all just stare at him,

Doctor Tar Quinn: Yeah, I think we’d better have a chat

Doctor Todd: Is it bad?

Doctor Tar Quinn: Yeah, it’s quite bad

Doctor Todd: Oh bloody hell, I’ve only gone for half an hour, all hell’s already broke loose

End of meeting